CHAPTER 2: retrospect

To him that you tell your secret you resign your liberty.
Anonymous

The tomb stone was grey and gave no comfort today. Raymond Caine, His name stood out. He hated seeing it there, hated it, there was no other word for that numb feeling. Despair maybe; hopelessness. It was eternity, no way back. He knew death was forever, he saw it in his job every day, in this particular case though he was not willing to accept it.

Usually he doesn't meet people until after their death, and he learns about their life in retrospect. Usually he closes a case, knowing he has found the truth. Closing the case of the person he knew life of before his death only opened a wormhole of questions and he started doubting there was ever a real truth. The more he learned about Raymond, the more he wondered if he had known him at all, and the more he regretted letting him go. He should have protected him, shielded him, and done his job as a big brother. He did it now though, protecting his family, loving them, shielding them and guarding them.

"You should never have died, Raymond, Fuck you for dying! Who gave you the right to die!"

He rose from his kneeled down position and rose to his full height. With a deep breath he pulled all his mental strength into actual energy and shifted the focus to today.

He rang her doorbell waiting for her response. He dreaded the moment he had to tell her the truth, but the present demanded that the future claim priority over the past. At this moment he literally felt sick to his stomach and an urge to turn around was only defeated by the thought of a pale girl in the hospital bed. He had felt so helpless holding her hand. She didn't say much. Her eyes were tired. A child was not supposed to be that tired. Her eyes were supposed to sparkle, and now he was willing to do anything to she that glowed in her eyes again.

Yelina opened the door to the house and possibly opening the figurative door to Madison's future in the same act. Right now he had trouble walking through the physical door.

"Horatio, what brings you here? Did we have an appointment?"

He barely spoke to her, just shook his head to the latter question. "No appointment. No appointment, but we need to talk".
"Everything OK? Is it Ray Jr? He's alright is he? Nothing has happened"
He could see the worry filling her eyes, and he calmed her immediately. "Ray Jr is fine".

"Sit down," she led him in the direction of the couch "Want some coffee?"
"Yes, please"

He happily grabbed the delay of a coffee and hoped it would build a barrier between him and the truth he was about to tell her.

"So, what's up?"

She sat above him staring straight at him across the coffee table.
"Uh, it is Madison," he stared, "She is ill, Leukaemia."
"Oh my God, is she going to be OK?"
"I don't know."

He paused trying to find the words. She leaned forward trying to reduce the distance even by only a few inches. He pulled back the equal amount of space, holding his coffee cup so hard he was afraid that he might crush it.

"I am so sorry."

"They want to give her a bone marrow transplant," he looked down in the blackness of his cup.

"Any donors?"

"No," He almost stopped. "No, not yet. I wondered, I need to ask, I mean, could… could you let Ray Jr take a test? He might be a match."

"What about her mother, what about you? Surely one of you must be a match?"

He could not look her into the eyes now.
"Horatio, don't look away. Don't do what you always do when you don't want to be straight with me. You and Raymond both, you always look away. What is it?"

"Raymond," he said, "Raymond is Madison's father".

"WHAT?"

Her now empty coffee cup broke the instant it hit the floor leaving shattered china stained the ground.

"It is not possible. I don't believe you. No. NO! NO, you hear me? NO! Don't say that. You don't dare say that!"

The dialogue had turned into a monologue and Horatio did not find any words to turn it back again. Her accent came out stronger now that she was less in control of her feelings and her eyes flooded over. It was not anger, sadness or fury he saw in her face, but rather disbelief and fear; raw fear so hard and utterly naked. It drew all the oxygen out of the air making it impossible to breath. His chest felt heavy, and his hands were shaking, a rather unusual experience for him, and a feeling that scared him beyond words.
"Out. You get out of here now! Don't you put your foot in my house! How dare you? HOW DARE YOU?"

The door locked behind his back.

A/N: thank's for the reviews!
(Ja – det er mye dårlig norsk!)
Next chapter up soon!