A/N: I am so sorry for the late update! I have struggled so hard even writing a word down, and what I have come up with is not good! It is not betaed, and English is not my native language. Please forgive all errors.

Sorry for the really bad last chapter of this story!

Chapter 4: progression

Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt.

Mary McLeod Bethune

Horatio let a week pass before he approached Yelina again. She had let Ray Jr. test as a donor, and to everyone's relief he was a match. The operation gave no guarantees, but increased Madison's chances, and the dark cloud hanging over their head seemed to finally disappear. The operation was to take place in just a few days, and Horatio could not let it go by without making an effort to be friends with Yelina by that time. Ray Jr. deserved both their support, and so did Madison. The bone marrow transplantation is painful both for the donor and the receiver, and it was a very brave act on Ray Jr's part. It was probably even braver that he did it without questioning the fact that Madison suddenly appeared as his half-sister, and Horatio wondered whether the boy had observed more in his parents' marriage than anyone had been aware of.

"Yelina," Horatio said as she opened the door.
"Horatio," she didn't slam the door in his face, that was a good sign, but she did not invite him in either.
"Can we talk?"
"I don't think we have any more to talk about"
"I do," he answered taking one step towards her. "I do."

She took a step outside and closed the door behind her, making it clear he was still not welcome in her house.
"Talk," she said.

"I am sorry," he met her eyes making sure she saw his sincerity.

"I know," she looked straight at him, but with a straight face he could not read.
"I do realize now, that I have been wrong in so many things."
"Yes you have."
"There is no excuse for the way I handled it."

"Yes there is." This answer totally took him by surprise and he almost chocked on it. He had prepared a long serenade of excuses in his head and fell out of track by her change.

"What?" he said, fully facing her.
"There is," she repeated her statement. "There is many excuses Horatio, and I might have done you unjust too!" She looked at him straight in the eyes before turning away.
"No. No you were right," his voice stern now.

"Yes I was, but there isn't always just one right way. There isn't always right or wrong. We were just on different places Horatio. You had the time to digest the information, you never gave me the same, and I probably need even more time than you. You were ready to move on beyond the shock, while I had it just thrown in my face without given the opportunity to process it." Her eyes wet as they met his.

"What are you saying?" He stood still now, almost holding his breath.

"I love Ray. I still do. And I miss him. Every day I miss him, and I want to remember him the way he was when we got married. I don't know for sure what happened those last years when he stayed away from us periods at time. I don't know if we were number one in his life anymore. I hope we were. I even think we were. I need to think we were. I just haven't figured out where this woman, Susie, and her daughter fit into the equation. You seem to be okay with it though, and that made me angry, still does. How can you just accept them like that? Don't you care what she did to your family? Don't you care what he did?"

"I do"
"Then how can you be so okay with it?"
"You have just answered your own question Yelina. I had time. I wasn't okay with it. I was angry at first, but I had the luxury of not being the betrayed party here. He was my brother, you were his wife as you so eloquently explained to me just a week ago. I could keep my feelings at some distance and focus on the child. Madison is innocent, she's just a child, and she needed me when I first met her. When all comes to all, Ray Jr. and Madison are both my family, and they are equal family, and they can't take the blame of their father's mistake."

"But Susie? I am so angry at her."
"I know, and you have all the right to be."
"Aren't you? How can you?"
"Not any more I am. Not any more. She has changed, Yelina. The woman she is today would never have done what she did, I know that. If I hadn't been forced to act properly because of Madison, I would probably not have given her a chance either, but I had to do right by Madison, and therefore I have had the privilege to be forced to getting to know Susie as well. What I have witnessed is a 180 degree change in her life. I can't be angry at the woman she is today. I am not even sure I am angry at the girl she was back then either, I honestly think it was meth and fear acting on her part. What I am having trouble with still is Raymond's part in it, but I truly believe he loved you and only you. Susie has never given me a reason to believe otherwise, and Raymond never did either. He was a man of honour when he grew up, he was when he married you, and he died that way, I know that. I won't accept anything else. Not from the brother I knew."
"He had a child with another woman Horatio. How am I going to accept that? And how can I get passed that when he is not here to tell me the truth?"

"I don't know. I don't know. We can only believe we knew who he was. Never doubt the man you knew."
"And the evidence? A living child is pretty strong evidence, don't you think?"

"Only evidence of a sexual intercourse, it says nothing about true feelings. You said it your self, he stayed away weeks at the time. He did it to protect you and Ray Jr. I think you were right. I think he loved Susie in a way, but not like he loved you. He did truly love you Yelina. I could always tell by the way he smiled when you were around and how proud he was of you and Ray Jr. But he did see the good in Susie, and I do believe Madison is a result of a mistake made by two people in an unusual situation."
"Adultery isn't that unusual"

"No, and unfortunately, domestic violence isn't either."

"What?"
"Susie's husband wasn't exactly treating her well. I think Raymond protected her. He was her haven, and she might have thanked him in ways she shouldn't. For Susie, I think Raymond became the only safe anchor in her life, and I think for Raymond to protect her, and to stay true to his undercover story, had to play close to her. And living that out must make an impression. She wasn't any anonymous case; she was a name and face, and a living person. It must have had an impact on him. He did care for people, which are one of the reasons we both loved him so much. That was Raymond, he always cared. He shouldn't have gone as far as he did. I must believe meth has something to do with that, and not seeing his family for weeks, I find no excuses, but that doesn't mean you were less important. It still doesn't mean it was OK though. God I wish he was alive so I could kick his ass!" He let it out louder than he meant to, and with a hint of broken anger in his voice.
"Horatio!" she turned to him shocked, but with a tiny smile just beneath the surface.
"What? He was my brother! Don't you think I haven't kicked his ass now and then?"
"I know you have. I know he has kicked yours on a few occasions as well, but you grew up!"

"Yeah, we did, and life turned more serious, didn't it?" The tension between them was less manifest now, and his shoulder lower.
"Yeah, life did turn serious. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be, yet here we are."
"Indeed we are. So, where does that leave us?"

"As family I guess. I need you in my life still Horatio. I am still angry at you for not telling me sooner. But it is only your timing I am angry at. Not for wanting to protect me, even though I do feel you handled it the wrong way. But I do see you were in a tight spot here. Next time, heaven forbid there be a next time, I expect me to tell you though!"
"I promise!"
"Thank you." She turned to walk inside again, not inviting him in.
"Are we OK?"

"We will be, in time. Just give me time"

"So, you are willing to forget?"
"Not forget, moving on."
He smiled at her. "Yes, moving on"
"And Horatio," she stopped him while he was heading towards his car

"Yes," he turned back at her.

"Maybe you would like to have a dinner with us when Ray Jr. is up to it again after the procedure?"

"That would be fine. That would be just fine."

- the end -