Harry was sitting at the Gryffindor table, eating his breakfast, when a rather fat envelope fell onto his kippers. Unsuspecting, he opened it. Hermione glanced over at it, did a double take, and whispered "Harry, don't read it!"

"Why Hermione, it can't be THAT bad."

"Fine, but when you go into shock, I'm not helping." With that she ignored him.

25 things not to do when facing off Voldemort for the fate of the world.

25. Try to kill him with your ugliness. If looks could kill, Hogwarts would be exterminated.

24. Do a Riverdance.

23. Poke him and go "Die Moldy Voldie!"

22. Tell him he would look really good in a man-skirt.

21. Give Voldemort a good look, then go into hysterics.

20. Ask him if the rumor is true: DOES the Dark Side really have donuts?

: 19. Start advertising the benefits of Voldemort going over to the side of the Order.

18. Slap him on the butt.

17. Ask him what you were doing again.

16. Ask if you can have one value ten paper expenditure.

15. Tell him you'll pay him if he lies down and pretends to be dead.

14. Ask if he's color-blind. Black is SO last season.

13. Ask if that's a grey hair. AND LOOK! ANOTHER!

12. Ask him exactly WHY he wanted to have the power to read minds.

11. Think really perverted thoughts and go "READ MY MIND VOLDIE!"

10. See if he'll play Red-rover.

9. Say, "Oh, can we make the pretty gold light again?"

8. Ask him if he wants a make-over. They're holding auditions for Queer-Eye-for-the-Straight-Guy

7. Start singing "I feel Pretty" Then, ask Voldie to. When he does, invite all the Death Eaters to come listen.

6. Tell him you know what, and you're going to tell you-know-who if he doesn't meet your demands.

5. Whisper conspiritorily "I know what you did last summer. Wormtail was involved."

4. Tell him he's pretty.

3. Hand him Lockhart's bright pink robes and tell him how they compliment his complexion.

2. Ask him if he owns a unicorn with fluffy clouds on it's butt.

1. Say "My mom and dad, yeah, they go WAY back with your parents, got to know em real well when they died. Your parents know you've been a very NAUGHTY BOY!"

Harry was quite pale by the end of the list, but there was another piece of parchment in the envelope, and hopefully it was an apology.

Instead, a clipping of parchment fluttered out, reading "Could you proofread this for me? Thanks. I want to produce it someday."

Narrator: Today, we find ourselves in Las Vegas. (GO figure…) Tonight, we follow the ever conniving James attempting to get Lily to marry him, or at least go out on a date, and he has finally cooked up a plan other than asking her while she's sober…

Setting: James and Lily are at the bar. James being used to alcohol (and the bad influence of Sirius coughcough), can obviously down more than Lily, without getting drunk.

James: Yes bartender, another round of shots please

Lily: Who knew conshuming large amountsh of alcohol could be sho fun? WHEEE! twirls on bar seat Hey ish that Peter, and a GIANT MOUSE? runs and hides in boys bathroom

James: Ugh. This is a minor setback. gets Lily from unfortunately crowded men's bathroom

Lily: Hey, Jamesh, do you have what they had?

James: Lily, be quiet. I wanna spy on Peter!

Both: spy on Peter

Peter: Minnie, have another shot why don't you. forces it down Minnie's throat"

Giant Mouse a.k.a Minnie: chokes Alright. Peter I will marry you. Just keep away from me.

Peter: spazz attack

Lily and James: o.0

James: Okay…Lily, will you marry me?

Lily: Yesh. I will Jamesh my love!

James: crows Then let's get MARRIED!

Lily: Okay.

Narrator: The next morning, Lily wakes up with a hangover and with a wedding ring on her finger…

Lily: Oh, not good. runs to bathroom and proceeds to throw up. What is going on James?

James: Uh. Nothing?

Lily: stern stare

James: Alright, alright. Just promise you won't hurt me!

Lily: No.

James: Alright. Igotyoudrunkandinthatstateyoumarriedme.

Lily: Great just great. I have to live with an arrogant jerk. Oh, and just a guess. SIRIUS HELPED COME UP WITH THIS!

James: Maybe…

Lily: James, you lucked out. I was raised never to kill my husband. I have no qualms about killing his BEST FRIEND!

Fin.

There was a thunk. Harry had passed out from shock. A cackle broke out among the Slytherins. Hermione tutted.

"I told you so."

FIN!

R&R por favor!