The Secret Lives of Quick-Change Comedians

1

Rescue Me

Author's Note: All mentions of age are in human years and all characters are portrayed as anthros.

Mungojerrie did handsprings and back walkovers down the road to keep himself warm in the chill of the winter night. He was a handsome tom of nineteen years; his fur was marked with black, orange, cream, white, and ginger. His hazel eyes glittered in the icy moonlight, as did the silver charms set in his blue collar. He paused after a row of back walkovers and looked over his shoulder.

"Come on, Teazah!" he called. His voice was laden with a rich Cockney accent.

"Couldn't you jus' wait up fo' two seconds?" asked his twin sister, Rumpleteazer, who was tired, but not yet tired to the point of being giddy as her brother was. Her voice was laden with that same Cockney accent.

Rumpleteazer, as you may have guessed, was the same age as and looked very similar to her twin brother. Her coat was marked in the same colors, but with a good deal less black. Her mischievous eyes were sparkly, like Jerrie's, only brown, and she was obviously smaller and more feminine.

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer had quite a reputation around the Jellicle Junkyard, where they were commonly known as the "Notorious Duo", and where they made one of their two homes. Their other home, a mansion called Victoria Grove, was not as much a home as it was a center of operations. They enjoyed making mischief for the family they shared the mansion with, which had earned them their status as the resident thieves and pranksters of the Junkyard. But that status had mostly been given them in good fun, and they were generally well liked by the Jellicles, as well as any other cats they happened to meet.

Mungojerrie hurried along, admiring the clear, lovely night. Suddenly he stopped short, causing Rumpleteazer to run smack into him.

"Owwie! Wot'd ya do tha' fo'?" Rumpleteazer asked, pushing herself off her twin's back. Mungojerrie wasn't paying attention.

"Did you 'ear tha'?" Jerrie asked.

"Wot?" Teazer asked.

Mungojerrie didn't reply, but instead began to advance into a dark alley, much to his sister's obvious dismay.

"Jerrie! Come back!" she hissed uneasily. "Anythin' could jump out at ya!"

But Mungojerrie was more curious than afraid. He kept advancing, ignoring Teazer's protests.

Rumpleteazer groaned softly to herself when her brother disappeared into the inky blackness. She didn't want to follow him, but she didn't want to be out on this dark street alone, and she certainly didn't want Jerrie to be in that even darker back street by himself. She took a small, frightened step forward.

"Jerrie?" she said in a soft, rather scared voice. She was slowly advancing in the direction Jerrie had gone, when suddenly…

Wot 'n the bloody 'Eavisoide wos that!

There was a loud clamor of banging metal, as though someone had leaped onto one of the garbage cans that lined the alley. Spurred on by fright, she lurched forward.

"Jerrie! Mungojerrie!" she called. "Whe' a' ya?"

Suddenly, she ran headlong into her twin brother's back.

"Mungojerrie!" she cried. "Ya gave me such a froight!"

"Shhhh!" he admonished softly. "Someone's 'ere."

Teazer froze and looked around, but she couldn't see anyone in the pitch dark.

"Maybe we oughta go 'ome," she whispered, keeping as close behind Jerrie as was possible.

"Maybe you oughta stay," said a voice behind them, mocking Teazer's accent. The twins turned and saw that two toms were blocking their way out of the alley. The toms' faces were hidden in the shadows, but Jerrie recognized their voices.

"Macavity's agents," Jerrie whispered in Teazer's ear. "Don' move."

Some cats were of the opinion that one or both of the Notorious Duo worked for Macavity. Mungojerrie had, in fact, formerly worked for the Napoleon of Crime, but he'd never committed any of the dastardly deeds – murder and the like – that Macavity and his agents were known for. His jobs had been limited to petty theft from the human family he lived with at Victoria Grove and other humans in that neighborhood. However, his history at Macavity's Lair was not pleasant, so no one but Rumpleteazer knew the true story, and Jerrie didn't seem to be in a hurry to tell anyone else.

Teazer, who was too frightened to move even if she'd wanted to, nodded slowly.

"Wot d' you want?" Jerrie asked, looking confident so that the toms would know he could put up a fight.

"Nothing much," said the tom on the left. "Just your sister. She looks like a 'fun' queen."

" 'Ow dare you!" Teazer exclaimed indignantly, suddenly overcoming her fear.

"Oh, how dare us," the other tom mocked.

"Come on, Teazah, let's get outta 'ere," said Jerrie irritably. "We don' gotta stay an' listen ta this trash."

They turned to leave the other way, but two more toms blocked them.

"Oh, no, we insist," said one of the two new toms. "Stay and have a little fun."

"Your idea of fun is disgustin', if you ask me," said Jerrie frankly.

"No one asked you, Mungojerrie," said the first tom. He stepped closer to Jerrie, and Jerrie immediately knew who he was: Zeus, a large alley tom with a reputation for liking queens a bit too much.

"If you so much as touch 'er…" Jerrie threatened.

"You'll what?" Zeus asked him.

"No agent of Macavity's is gonna taike moy sista fo' an 'ussy!" said Jerrie hotly.

"Is that so?" Zeus asked. "Just watch me."

He grabbed Teazer by the arm and pulled her close. Jerrie rushed at him and violently shoved him away. Zeus stood up, enraged, and he and the three other toms surrounded Jerrie and Teazer.

"You know how much I hate annoyances, Mungojerrie," said Zeus. "And you, my friend, are annoying."

"Get…away from us…now," Jerrie said through clenched teeth. Zeus just scoffed at him and took hold of Teazer again.

Then something completely unexpected happened. Jerrie gave a terrifying growl, and his eyes glowed and turned completely white. He raised his paw and struck Zeus so hard that it sent the large tom sprawling.

"The Evil Eye!" one of the other toms cried. "He has the Evil Eye!"

"Let's get out of here!" said another. The three of them ran off, terrified. Zeus got up, hissed contemptuously at Jerrie, and then followed them.

Teazer stared at her brother in disbelief. She'd never seen him do such a thing before.

"Wot…on earth…?" she asked.

Jerrie turned to look at her. His eyes no longer glowed white, but he still looked quite angry. "A' you okay?" he asked her concernedly. "Those blackguards!"

"Jerrie, Oi wanna know wot jus' 'appened," Teazer insisted.

"Oi growled an' they all ran off. Tha's all," said Jerrie, looking confused.

"Jerrie!" Teazer shrieked. "Yer eyes turned white for 'Eavisoide's sake! An' wot's the 'Evil Eye'?"

"Oi dunno," said Jerrie. "Prolly jus' some silly superstition."

"But tha' doesn' explain yer eyes turnin' white," said Teazer uneasily.

Jerrie laughed. "Don' look a' me loike tha', Teaz!" he said. "Oi'm not some evil creature from Mars, if tha's wot yer worried about. It wos prolly jus' a reflection of the moonloight."

He paused a moment, looked around, and then shivered.

"It's bloomin' col' ou' 'ere," he said softly. "Le's go."

They hurried to Victoria Grove, where the family was asleep. All the lights were out, but a cozy fire flickered in the fireplace to keep out the winter chill.

"A' ya sleepy now?" Teazer asked jokingly.

"Oi 'ave ta admit it, Oi s'pose," Jerrie replied, stretching out in front of the fire. He fell asleep within minutes. Rumpleteazer curled up on the sofa, but she had a harder time falling asleep, though the fire was relaxing. She snuggled as deep as she could into the sofa cushion, until at last the sound of Jerrie breathing lulled her to sleep. When the early morning sun's rays woke her up, she put on her special Woolworth pearl necklace that Jerrie had given her quite awhile back and looked around for him. She finally found him in the stream nearby, taking a bath. She started giggling, for she knew how much Mungojerrie hated getting a bath! Every time he knew it was coming, he would hide. If he was caught, it was something of a sight.

"An' wot, may Oi ask, is so fonny?" he asked as he climbed out. Rumpleteazer just laughed harder as Jerrie shook out his coat, causing it to fluff up, and licked it down smooth. Mungojerrie rolled his eyes and walked up the path to the mansion still trying to smooth down his fur. Rumpleteazer regained control over herself and caught up to him as he was walking inside.

"Wot made ya decoide ta take a bath? You 'ate baths!" she said. Mungojerrie sat in front of the fire, drying himself.

"Oi don' moind as long as Oi do it moyself," he told her. "But when mistress does it…ugh! It's awful."

"Oi see," Rumple said, trying her best not to giggle. Only a small laugh managed to escape her.

"Wotcha wanna do now?" she asked, quickly changing the subject and hoping her twin hadn't noticed the giggle.

"Oi koinda thought we'd go down ta Kensington Square," Mungo said thoughtfully. Teazer jumped up and down in circles around Jerrie. They'd be almost sure of seeing one or two of their friends at Kensington Square!

"Quit that 'oppin' an' le's get goin'," Mungo said playfully, slipping into his vest. "Oi'm droy now."

As they neared the square, they caught sight of a reddish-colored queen named Bombalurina and her best friend, Demeter, sitting and chatting in a sunny corner. Mungojerrie couldn't help but sigh to himself. He and Demeter weren't always quite friendly with each other. Demeter was one of those who suspected him of being an agent for Macavity, so she stayed away from him and often shot indirect insults at him, and Jerrie resented that and shunned her because of it.

" 'Ey!" Teazer called. Bombalurina and her cousin turned and saw them. Demeter turned away, but not before Mungojerrie caught her rolling her eyes at him. He gave her a small scowl in return, as if to say, I'm not the bad guy here!

"Hi," Bombalurina greeted. "Did you hear about the jewel heist in town?"

"No," Mungojerrie said frankly, knowing the female well enough to know that she was going to go into detail. Demeter shot him a meaningful look. Jerrie simply turned away and ignored it. It was the kind of look that told him she thought he was guilty. Though he knew he hadn't stolen the valuables, he also knew he'd never be able to convince Demeter.

"Is ana'one else 'ungry?" Rumpleteazer asked when Bomby had finished with her explanations.

"Oi am," Mungo offered. He'd completely forgotten about breakfast.

"Well why don't you steal something then? It seems to be what you do best," Demeter said. She shot him another meaningful look. Jerrie rolled his eyes at her rather lame attempt at insulting him and started to walk down the street, when suddenly his eye caught something sparkling in a nearby garbage can. Curious, he reached in and pulled out some expensive jewelry. He stared in surprise at the gems that lay twinkling in his paw.

Demeter glared at him. "So that's where you were last night," she said accusingly.

"Oi didn't…Oi wosn't…" Jerrie stammered.

"Wait until Munkustrap hears about this! You'll be far over your head in hot water. You can't just walk away this time!"

"What do you have to say for yourself? You went too far, Mungojerrie!" Munkustrap's tail thrashed angrily as he glared reproachfully at the young tabby tom that sat before him. It was well after midnight, and the tom looked rather peaked. Munkustrap felt sorry for him, but he couldn't let this crime go unnoticed.

"This is like an elephant in the kitchen; it's just too big to ignore," a black and white tom named Alonzo put in.

"Exactly," Munkustrap said, wishing that his father, the Jellicle leader Old Deuteronomy, were there.

"Oi didn' do it!" Mungo insisted. " 'Onest Oi didn'!"

" 'E ain't loyin'!" Teazer put in.

Munkustrap cast a doubtful eye on the twin troublemakers. He liked the two in spite of their pranks and mischief, but Mungojerrie had gotten himself into hot water. He would have to set things right to get out of it.

"How do we know? You two were the only ones who left the Junkyard last night. We need proof," a small black tom named Mistoffelees said quietly. Jerrie was one of his friends, but they simply had no way of knowing that Jerrie wasn't lying.

"Oi 'ave proof!" Jerrie said quickly, eager to vindicate himself. "Teazer 'n Oi got jumped boy a gang o' Macavity's agents las' noight."

"Oh?" said Munkustrap. "Do tell us."

"We wos walkin' ta Victoria Grove an' Oi 'eard a noise," Jerrie explained. "We went inta an alley ta investigate an' they surrounded us."

"And how can you prove this?" Munkustrap asked.

"Teazer saw the whole thing," said Jerrie. He looked over at Teazer, who nodded.

"Oi certainly did," she said. "They surrounded us an' one o' them said some…ratha vulgar things ta me."

"So, ya see, Oi'm tellin' the truth," Jerrie concluded.

"Of course you are," said Munkustrap. "Jerrie, she's your sister, not to mention your partner in all of the mischief you two create. She's obviously going to vouch for you."

This refutation of his alibi made Jerrie angry. "Send for one o' Macavity's agents, then, if you loike!" he said. "Oi'm sure they'd be more than 'appy ta tell ya."

"I'm sure they would," said Munkustrap. "However, I think you know quite well, Mungojerrie, that Jellicles do not communicate with the likes of Macavity's agents."

"So…that's it, then? You're willin' ta b'lieve Oi'm loyin' jus' 'cause you's afraid o' Macavity?" Jerrie asked, outraged.

"I am not…afraid of him," said Munkustrap, his face growing warm. "I do not consort with such hooligans. That is all."

"Coulda fooled me," Jerrie said under his breath. Alonzo jumped out of his seat, but Munkustrap motioned for him to remain calm.

"How dare you insult my brother in such a fashion!" Alonzo growled.

"Well, if the boot fits…" Jerrie replied.

"Why, you…" Alonzo rose again and was perfectly ready to strike Jerrie, but Munkustrap again held him back. Jerrie gave Alonzo a look.

"Munkustrap, we don't have to listen to this trash," Alonzo said to his older brother. "Send him away. He is obviously guilty."

"There could be truth in what he says," Munkustrap told him. "We cannot decide one way or the other with this information. It's too inconclusive."

"But what if he is lying?" Plato asked. "Are you willing to risk the safety of the entire Tribe by taking him at his word?"

"As protector, it would be a neglect of my duties to do such a thing, no matter how reliable the tom," Munkustrap said, more to himself than to Plato.

"Oi can't believe this!" Jerrie cried. " 'Ave Oi eva given any of you any reason not ta b'lieve me?"

"He's right," put in Pouncival, who, aside from Teazer, was Jerrie's best friend. "What if he's not lying? We can't just throw him out on the street like that. It doesn't seem right."

Munkustrap didn't know what to do. Both Plato and Pouncival had points. Letting Jerrie stay could mean jeopardizing the whole Tribe, but forcing Jerrie into exile could put him in danger. Jerrie had never lied to the Tribe before. But was it worth it, trusting him? Everyone made mistakes, and it only would've taken one moment of weakness for Jerrie to give in to the temptation of taking the jewels. And if he had done it, it could mean that he was connected to Macavity, as Macavity was the usual proprietor of such deeds. And if he was connected to Macavity, he had to be sent away.

"I'm sorry to have to do this to you, Mungojerrie," he said. "But you are hereby sentenced to exile. You are forbidden to enter the Junkyard or communicate with any member of this Tribe. Re-admittance to the Junkyard and Tribe will be granted only on the condition that you do reparation for the crime you have committed, or until we find irrefutable proof that you did not commit the said crime. May the Everlasting Cat go with you."

Mungojerrie's dark eyes widened in dismay. "Exile?" he asked, incredulous. "Munk…you can't do this to me! It's not possible!"

"I'm sorry, but that is my decision," said Munkustrap firmly. "If you refuse to leave, you will be forced out."

Jerrie stood frozen on the spot, utterly shocked. Exile! For a crime he hadn't even committed! It was too much.

"You can't do this withou' Ol' Deuteronomy's approval!" Teazer cried. "You 'ave no roight!"

"I'm afraid I do," said Munkustrap.

"Oi won't let this 'appen," Teazer said furiously. "Oi can't."

"Shhhh!" Mungojerrie rebuked her. Even though he was being sent away, that didn't mean that Teazer had to go with him. It was better for her to stay at the Junkyard, where it was safer.

"This is nonsense!" Teazer repeated, stamping her paw. "Wot makes you think tha' the's anything roight about sendin' Jerrie away?"

Munkustrap made no reply.

"Foine," Teazer scoffed. "If Jerrie leaves, Oi'm leavin' too."

"No, Teazah," Mungo said, looking at her sadly. "Oi can't let you do tha'."

"But, Jerrie…we always do everythin' togetha, no matta wot. Oi loves ya' too much ta let you go out the' alone!"

"It's safer 'ere," Jerrie said softly. "Please, Teazer…listen ta me, jus' this once. Oi couldn' live with moyself if you got 'urt."

"We's done it befo'," Teazer protested.

"We 'ad no choice," Jerrie reminded her. "Now we 'ave a choice, an' Oi'm asking you ta taike it. Oi'll come back eventually, Teaz. Oi know Oi didn' do anythin' wrong, an' Oi'll make them see it, no matta wot it taikes."

"Promise?" Teazer asked. Tears marked her colorful fur.

"Promise," Jerrie agreed, brushing his sister's cheek affectionately. He let Teazer cry on his shoulder for a moment, knowing it would soften the blow somewhat when he turned to walk away. But he himself was having a hard time choking back tears. He didn't often cry, and he certainly wasn't going to cry now. He would walk calmly away, without looking back, without asking for reconsideration. He had too much dignity to plead with Munkustrap over a crime he hadn't even committed.

The familiar feel and smell of her brother's soft fur against her face gave Rumpleteazer great comfort, but not great enough. When he finally pulled her away, she couldn't bear to let go of him. It took all the willpower she had to make herself let go. They had never been forced to separate like this, and they'd never thought they'd have to be. As Jerrie walked away, trying to keep a dignified and calm look on his face, Teazer broke into open sobbing.

Mungojerrie did not dare look back. He could hear Teazer crying somewhere behind him, somewhere back in the Junkyard, but he knew that if he looked back, he'd never have the strength of mind to leave her behind again.

Teazer began to call after him hysterically.

"Le' go o' me! Oi 'ave ta go after 'im…'e moight get 'urt! Jerrie! Mungojerrie!"

Jerrie kept walking.

Oi won't cry. Not me.

And with that, he took off running, to hide the tears that now flowed freely from his hazel eyes.

He knew he had to prove his innocence to the Tribe. But how? How could he prove anything to a Tribe that had sent him into exile on inconclusive evidence?

A good place to start would be to find whoever had actually stolen the jewels. He had no idea where to begin, but he figured the sooner he began, the sooner he'd be back at the yard with Teazer.

Back at the Junkyard…

Rumpleteazer cried for an hour, and finally she didn't have any tears left to cry. She could only sit and think of something to do and try to help out around the Junkyard. By now, it was surely around five-thirty or six in the morning.

She'd never thought that Jerrie would be forced to leave her like this! Munkustrap was being unfair, and that was all there was to it. He himself had admitted that the evidence was inconclusive!

"Rumpleteazer? Is that you crying in there?" a kindly voice asked.

"Yeh," Teazer said, trying to wipe her eyes with her paws before the other cat saw her.

"I thought maybe you'd like to come talk with the other kittens. Etcetera and the others are missing your conversation this morning," an older queen named Jennyanydots said. Rumpleteazer sniffed a little before trying to answer.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Jenny asked before Rumple could say anything. Teazer nodded.

"Munk sen' Jerrie 'way!" she said. " 'E sentenced 'im ta exoile! Moy Jerrie!"

"That's too bad," Jenny said. "What did Jerrie do?"

" 'E didn't do anythin'!" Teazer cried.

"I see," Jenny said.

"Oi dunno 'ow Munk could think 'e stole those jewels! Oi mean, 'e moighta', but still…Oi knows 'e didn'. 'E woulda tol' me, a' least," said Teazer. "Jerrie's neva done anythin' loike tha'."

"I was coming to ask you if you would get this ingredient for me," Jenny said, handing Teazer a little piece of paper. "I'm out of a certain medicine, and I need this to make more of it. I'd appreciate it very much."

"Ya mean it?" Teazer asked, jumping to her feet. "Would Oi eva!"

"Wonderful," Jenny said. "I'll see you back here later then."

Jenny knew as she walked away that Rumpleteazer would see this job as an opportunity to find her brother and talk to him, but she pretended not to. Her sympathetic heart told her that the tabby queen wasn't lying when she said that Mungojerrie was innocent.