Disclaimer: Character was stolen, I am making no profit from doing so.

Setting:After The Blaze of Glory

(I was originally intending this as a one-shot, but if you like it, I can do one from Alex's point of view)

Marissa wondered when everything had got so screwed up. When was it that her life had fallen to pieces, pieces that wouldn't fit back together no matter how hard she tried to force them. And she had tried, so many times. But her life would never be like she wanted it to be.

Maybe that was a lie. Maybe she was just fooling herself into thinking she hadn't had exactly what she wanted, even if it was just for a little while. But thinking about the past wasn't going to bring it back. Wasn't going to bring her back. The funny thing was, Marissa knew she could be fixed. She just needed the right person to fix her.

Alex had made her happy, she couldn't deny that. She knew, because she had tried, too many times too count. Then she would wake up in the middle of the night, Alex's name on her lips, hands searching for her. Every time, she was disappointed. More than disappointed, in fact, to find Alex not there beside her.

No one saw the scars, those scars on the inside. The ones that are only visible if you look really deeply. Alex did that, she saw them. And she tried to fix them, the way Marissa wanted them to be.

Marissa couldn't explain why she was feeling this way when other people asked. It wasn't that she was ashamed of what her and Alex had, it was simply that she didn't want to be reminded of what she had lost. She couldn't bear to think about her. It hurt too much.

The thoughts kept coming, though, twisting around each other, tying Marissa up with her memories. Knots that couldn't be undone formed, until all she was left with was her twisted recollections. She had to do it, she told herself, it was the only way to stop hurting.

Only it wasn't. The pain didn't go away, she felt trapped, trapped within herself. It seemed like she'd have plenty of people to be there for her, but right now, it was like only one of them existed in her mind. The one that wasn't there anymore.

Marissa wanted to beg her to come back, she had wanted to run after her when she left, telling her that she'd do anything to take back what had just happened between them. She didn't do it. It repeated, sometimes, like a mantra, over and over in her head. She didn't do it.

She didn't do any of those things, and she didn't know why. Why was she such a coward, why couldn't she tell Alex how she felt about her? She didn't mean for their relationship to turn out this way. She had really believed they were better than that.

Sometimes, it got so that she couldn't even remember why they broke up. So Alex felt like she didn't fit in in her life, so what? They could have made an effort to fit into each other's lives. Should have made an effort.

Marissa was sick of giving up on everything in her life. She sure didn't mean to give up on Alex. She had, though, and she had been regretting it ever since. She thought maybe she'd be regretting it for the rest of her life.

To some people, that might seem extreme, but those were the people who didn't realise how much of herself she kept hidden. How much of that she had shared with Alex. She'd let her in, only to shut her out when things got too much.

She wanted to say those words to Alex, those words she'd never managed to quite get out. Every time she made an attempt, it was like she choked on them. Not because she didn't mean them, but because she did. That had scared her, beyond words. Maybe that's why she didn't vocalize it, not to any one. While she had watched Alex walk away, all she could think about was how much she loved her. Needed her.

She'd been pretending for too long now. Playing a part. She never felt like she had to do that with Alex. She wasn't constantly judging her, not like the rest of Newport society. She couldn't appear broken in front of these people.

When she was alone, however, was a different story. She was broken, then, when no one was watching. Every day, she'd break a little more, as her feelings built up. She'd hurt Alex, and that was perhaps what hurt her the most in her moments where she was open, raw.

Alex hadn't deserved that. Marissa hadn't deserved Alex, she realised now. She wanted to go back. The look on Alex's face at the bonfire, as if she was holding back so much hurt, haunted Marissa in her dreams.

All of her memories of Alex were tainted now. All she wanted was a second chance.