Chapter2ma2
A/N- Sorry if this sucks, I found it kinda difficult to write from Alex's POV, for some reason.
Alex couldn't sleep, again. Ever since she'd left Newport she'd been having this problem. All she was thinking about was her. Awake, asleep, somewhere in between, she was always on her mind. It was constant, and it was starting to make Alex feel like she didn't want to think.
No matter how hard she tried to direct her thoughts to something else, it wasn't successful. They just kept falling back, into visions of her. The last time she saw her, was the particular memory today.
Marissa had actually looked like it meant something, that they were going to have anything anymore. She actually looked like she cared. Alex saw that, but she also saw that it wasn't enough. She'd invested everything into that relationship, and where did it get her?
Here. Where she was constantly lonely, cold without her touch. Waking up in the middle of the night only to be haunted in her thoughts as well as her dreams. She'd got burned. Again. She just wanted to stop hurting.
People thought that Alex wasn't the kind of girl that cried. The truth was, it was all she'd been doing, ever since she turned away from the bonfire. She hadn't been able to hold back then. She had, before, while Marissa could still see her. She didn't want her to feel guilty. She was still thinking about Marissa's feelings, even when the girl just shattered her heart into tiny pieces.
She tried to convince herself, sometimes, that Marissa didn't realise how deeply she felt for her, didn't realise how much she hurt her. But she knew that was a lie. When Marissa had mumbled, half asleep, half drunk, that she loved her, she'd believed her. She believed her with all her heart. And that made it so much easier to break.
She didn't think she could ever put it back together. Sometimes, it felt like what she had with Marissa was just an illusion. Then she'd think about what she was feeling, and the fresh wounds on her heart would remind her how real it was.
It was never anything but real for Alex. In fact, it was the most real relationship she'd ever had with anyone. The only time she had been completely open and honest about herself. She'd told Marissa things that she'd been keeping to herself to years. She trusted her, and she thought Marissa trusted her too.
Marissa had told her once, that she thought she was broken, and Alex could fix her. And Alex had told her, that even though she didn't think so, she'd spend forever trying if that was what Marissa wanted. She meant every word. She'd brushed the tears off Marissa's cheeks the countless times that something made her cry. She wouldn't have to say anything, because they had a connection.
Their connection had been severed, and Alex felt like it shouldn't have happened. Two people, tied up together that way, shouldn't be separated. She was only accounting for her own feelings, though, and she wished they had both cared enough to stop it from happening.
She would always care; there was no denying that. Part of her, in fact, most of her, would always be in love with Marissa. She had been her reason for being, even if it was only for a little while. She'd never forget that, from the intensity of their first moment to the heartbreak of their last.
That didn't stop her from wishing, on occasion, that they had never met. Although Alex liked to think it was better to have had that, than to have never experienced something so powerful, she also couldn't deal with the hole it had left in her.
Not just a hole in her heart, but in her entire being. She had become a different person after Newport. She wanted to hate Marissa for it, but she couldn't bring herself to think about her that way. She knew that, even before she wanted to try.
When Marissa had told her she'd never let her go, she'd believed her. Now she was falling, so fast. No one was there to catch her. She'd never needed catching before, and especially not while she was with Marissa. She'd always seemed to be so high.
She'd never been a needy person, or a jealous person before Marissa, either. When she and Jodie drifted apart, it didn't hurt her. When Jodie cheated, it didn't hurt her. When Marissa began to pull away, her feelings went beyond hurt. She tried to cling onto what they had, but she lost it anyway. Lost her anyway.
Sometimes she was a little bitter about that, if she was honest with herself. She may have told Ryan that it wasn't about him, but deep down, she didn't believe that. She resented him, for having something that she didn't.
All she had wanted was for Marissa to come after her. If Marissa had come after her, she knew there would have been no question of her leaving. She wouldn't have been able to do it.
She had waited, and it didn't happen. All she had wanted, and all she didn't get became the same thing. That had never happened to her before. In her head, she heard Marissa ask for a second chance, and she wished it would become a reality. She wanted a second chance, and she wanted to give Marissa a second chance at being fixed.