Fucking with Snape

Chapter Three

Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

That bastard! He can't take a bit of his back so he thinks to top my evil plot? Bastard! I am still getting teased about the singing leprechaun these three weeks later!

This cannot go unanswered. It will not go unanswered. I am a Griffindor and it would be a dishonor to my house to not respond to this challenge, for a challenge it was.

It's time to bring out the big guns! Time to unleash my weapon of mass destruction.

But then again. Is this the proper course of action?

Perhaps he had a horrible childhood? Maybe this is why he is such a git? Perhaps he didn't get enough love when he was a boy. Maybe his mum didn't hold him enough or pay any attention to him when he was a baby. Perhaps she never talked baby talk to him or something. Maybe he is an only child, or perhaps the youngest of many. Maybe all of the teasing he endured in school has warped his mind.

I look in the mirror. My expression is dangerously thoughtful. Ron would be very frightened if he were looking at me now. With good reason.

What Severus Snape needs is something to love.

In the mirror I see my reflection smirking back at me. Be afraid Severus Snape. Be very afraid.

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It's here!! Yay! I am dancing around my room with glee! It's here and it's perfect! The very anthesis of Professor Severus Snape.

But how to deliver the package?

Class time, via owl? Meal time, where everyone can see? Oooooh yes! Meal time. Via owl with a Howler attached, so everyone can hear. Must find spell to disguise handwriting and must go to Hogsmeade to deliver via anonymous post.

Fortunately it's Hogsmeade weekend tomorrow.

Must also steal something personal of his. That won't be easy. Will have to borrow Harry's cloak. He will ask questions though.

Well then, will have to 'borrow' Harry's cloak.

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I love Monday's!

I am rather chipper this morning, which is earning me odd looks from everyone at the table. They are all looking decidedly glum and in serious need of caffeine. No matter. They will be perking up in about ten minutes, as will everyone else in the Hall.

I pick at my eggs, resisting the urge to giggle maniacally. I never realized that I was such a good actress, as I sit here and concentrate on looking as unperky as my housemates. This is so very, very hard to do. The waiting, I mean. It seems like anticipation of an event slows time down to a crawl.

Eventually, time does indeed pass and all of our attention is directed toward the fluttering of many wings, signifying the arrival of the morning post. The noise level in the Great Hall has increased dramatically as the students reach for the various packages and envelopes being dropped into their places. Then the three rather large owls that have swooped into the hall, carrying a large box capture all attention. All eyes follow, as they fly the length of the hall to the High Table and gently deposit the box on top of the plate in front of Professor Snape.

An owl then hops on top of said box and offers the now scowling Professor Snape a red envelope. Said Professor glances around the Hall, (If his eyes were wands, he'd be casting Unforgivables at us) and snatches the envelope from the owls beak.

I, along with the rest of the students and staff are giggling, albeit behind our hands. The atmosphere in the Great Hall is thick with anticipation.

He tears open the envelope. Here we go now, take this Professor!

"Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love," it howled. There were nervous giggles all around at the horrified expression on Snape's face.


"There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy."

I watched his hands twitch, knowing that what he what he desired to do at this moment was to seize the singing envelope and rip it to shreds. Can't do that though. Unless you like third degree burns.


"There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time
It's easy."

We muggles couldn't resist humming, " DUM DA DUM DUM DA DUM DUM!"

I have never seen Snape looking quite so transfixed. His eyes are almost bulging and his pasty skin is actually turning a violent shade of red. Griffindor red.


"All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy."

It seems that Dumbledore knows this song, as he and McGonagall join the rest of us as we snap our fingers and hum,

" DUM DA DUM DUM DA DUM DUM!"


"All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need."

He is going to explode! Unless he hyperventilates first, my he is panting! He makes to rise from his chair when the envelope announces:

"Happy birthday Severus! Meet Mister Snookims!"

The box opens with a soft pop and a light plume of smoke.

The Hall echoes with a resounding, "AWWWWWW!" as the cutest little Scottish Terrier puppy you ever did see leaps out of the box and onto the chest of the stunned and angry Potions master. He instinctually catches it and is rewarded by a tongue bath that only a puppy can give.

Even Malfoy is laughing. This is truly my best work. Poor Mr. Snookims is currently the unknowing victim of an outright frosty glare from Professor Snape. It's a glare I have never seen in class, Lord even his nostrils are flaring. If that lips curls any more it will hit a nostril.

Mr. Snookims is busy playfully gnawing at Snape's knuckles. He rises, and tosses his head at the laughter filled room then strides toward ..Oh shit.. me!

The Hall is now deathly silent, save the cackles coming from the Slytherins.

He is looking Avada Kedavra at me now. War has been declared by one cocked eyebrow.

Ignoring Ron, who is whimpering beside me and trying to hold me back, I stand and cock my brow in kind. Bring it on!

AN: "All You Need Is Love" The Beatles. Lyrics by: Lennon/McCartney.