Fucking with Snape

Chapter Seven

All Hallows Eve

A/N: This chapter will be narrated by both Hermione and Severus. Oh, and I couldn't resist in regards to the band for the ball--you'll see. ~smiles~

I don't understand why I am this nervous. I mean, it's not like I am about to get married or anything. I am not in danger of getting expelled. I don't even think that I will get a detention, for I am sure that Headmaster knows what is afoot. I wouldn't be surprised if he participated, he just has that sense of humor.

I am nervous because I am so excited, I suppose. I don't think that anything like this has ever been done before. I certainly haven't read about it in ' Hogwarts, A History' but then again, why would the pranking of a professor be mentioned? If it were spectacular enough a prank, perhaps it would earn a mention in some future edition.

Hermione, my dear girl, stop talking to yourself and finish your preparations. Just a few more swishes and a few more flicks, and you begin the events that will go down in history. The Griffindor who out Slytherined a Slytherin.

Hopefully it won't be a posthumous honor.

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I hate chaperoning these events. The only saving grace, as it were, is the fact that I have the delightful task of being able to catch snogging students. I love taking house points, it's one of the few reasons why I continue teaching. That and the food isn't bad either.

The Great Hall looks as if the walls have been washed down with pumpkin juice and bat guano. Albus really has a gift for overdoing the decorations. I sometimes wonder if he may have some homosexual proclivities, in spite of his frequent snogging with Minerva. I shan't journey into that territory. No, instead I am currently pacing the floor, perhaps if I keep moving the decorations won't look so bad.

As I was saying, the Great Hall looks absolutely disgusting and I hate chaperoning these events. The dunderheads will be descending upon me in mere minutes and I am feeling, oh Gods dare I say it? Nervous.

I haven't been this nervous since the night I had my first-never mind. I'm not going there either.

Ahem.

As I was saying, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that Granger is going to attempt one of her pranks on me tonight.

Not that I don't owe her for the Lockhart debacle.

Severus my love indeed.

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I just love it when a plan comes together as well as this one appears to have. I cannot believe my eyes as I gaze down from the landing, down into the Griffindor common room and into a sea of black relieved only by the occasional stuffed vulture hat. I cannot help but cackle. Maniacally.

"Oy! Mione!" Ron's voice has sent me into a fresh gale of cackling. I mean really, Ron's voice coming from Snape's body. "Do we really have to wear these ruddy dresses? Why can't you girls wear this?"

"Yes Ron, you do," I answer him as I descend the stairs, "because it's much better this way. Girls are Snape as Snape and boys are Snape as Boggart. Don't you dare faint Neville!"

Really, that boy just makes me want to hex the crap out of him sometimes! The clock chimes and we all look at it. It was time to head for the Great Hall and the Halloween Feast slash Ball. If Snape doesn't kill me it ought to be fun, Dumbledore has hired this awesome band and I have already promised the first dance to Severus. Of course he is completely unaware of this little fact.

I take one last glance in a mirror and shiver at the face looking back at me, smiling. Sometimes I wonder if I am entirely too good at charms. It was so easy to teach this particular one, I just passed it along to each houses' prefect. I hope that the other houses will impress me as much as the Griffies have.

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I am going to kill the Granger bitch! I don't care if I get time in Azkaban for it. Nervy little bitch! It's bad enough that I have to look at myself in the mirror every morning, but now I am now graced with the presence of five hundred of me as well as another five hundred or so of me in..drag.

After I kill Granger I am going to kill Lupin and Longbottom. Fucking Boggarts-Heavens forbid Longbottom think of Dumbledore dressed in drag. Oh no. It must be me, evil, snarky me. All I have ever tried to do is teach the nincompoop. I can't help it if he's lilly livered. How he ended up in Griffindor is beyond me. Hufflepuff would have suited him better.

After I kill Granger, Lupin and Longbottom I am going to kill Albus. Why you ask?

The fucking band, that's why.

What ever possessed the man to hire The Vampire Lestat? Granger probably. Do you have any idea how twisted it is to see yourself squealing at a singing vampire? In a high pitched, nails on chalkboard sound that only adolescent females can make? Well multiply that by five hundred and you might have a fair picture of the scene before me.

Or how about five hundred or so of you..Gods they call that dancing?

I mean, was the Lockhart thing all that bad? She took advantage of his mucking it up and got me with my own, didn't she? Hell I'm the one who had to put up with all of the questions concerning my upcoming nuptials. I'm the one who had to suffer the humiliation of having to justify any point removals and detentions to Albus Bloody Dumbledore.

And now I have to listen to vampire music..this Goth crap what ever that is.

Oh goody I am approaching me and I'm ..smiling?

"Hiya Professor! Having fun?"

Oh joy. It's the bitch herself. I don't smile back. "No."

"Oh I am so sorry," her voice dripped sarcasm and if it weren't for the fact that I was talking to me in Grangers voice I'd be ticked off. As it is, I am rather amused.

"I'm sure," I returned successfully keeping the laughter out of my voice.

"Well how about a dance then, to cheer you up?" she asks and looks over her shoulder at the group of me as they attempted to inflict bodily harm on each other in time to the music.

"That is not dancing."

She..I laugh at me. "No. That's moshing."

"I don't mosh, Miss Granger."

" I should hope not Severus. It looks most dangerous."

Was that? No it can't possibly be, "Madam Pomphrey?"

Somebody please kill me.