The Ex Utrem ad Persona spell, which is used in this chapter, was described in Chapter 9.

Chapter 18
The Sorting, and That Evening

Sunday, September 1, about 7 p.m.
The Great Hall, Hogwarts SOW&W

The students to be Sorted were at the front of the Great Hall, with the High Table behind them and the four House tables in front of them. But immediately in front of John, Paulina, and the firsties was the four-legged stool that was brought out once a year, on which was placed the patched, frayed, and dirty Sorting Hat.

Professor McGonagall stepped forward, holding a long roll of parchment. "When I call your name, you will put on the Hat and sit on the stool to be Sorted. Abbott—"

John Potter stepped forward and called out, "Sorting Hat! I am John Potter, the Potter Regent and a seventh-year transfer student, and I ask that you Sort me first!"

The Hat calmly asked, "Why should I do this, John Potter?"

"I'm responsible for myself and three other people, all of whom you will Sort today. It becomes much harder for me to protect the three people if we're in different Houses. One of our foursome is a great fit for Ravenclaw, but I'm a poor fit for Ravenclaw. One of our group is loyal to the bone and is hardworking—a great fit for Hufflepuff. One of our foursome becomes cunning when someone makes her angry. In a worst-case scenario, Sorting Hat, the four of us, if Sorted in the traditional way, would wind up in four different Houses. How can I protect them then?"

"Whom do you ask to be Sorted out of turn?"

"Me, John Potter, who is the Potter Regent and a seventh-year transfer student. Also, my wife Paulina Potter, another seventh-year transfer student. I'm the guardian of Harry Potter, a first-year student. I'm the Protector of Hermione Granger, another first-year student."

"Very well," the Sorting Hat said, "I call John Potter for Sorting, out of turn."

"MERLIN'S SAGGY SOCKS!" the Hat blurted, seconds after the Hat was put on John's head.

John thought at the Hat, May I make recommendations?

The Hat thought back, You know the future. Of course you may make recommendations.

John thought, Neville Longbottom nowadays comes across as nervous and timid, not a Gryffindor; but Neville in May 1998 would have made Godric proud. Since evil kids go into Slytherin nowadays, send Draco Malfoy, Zacharias Smith, and Ron Weasley to Slytherin this year, and Ginevra Weasley next year. But send Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle to Hufflepuff—Hufflepuff helps the slow students, and Draco can't cause so much trouble with his minions in a different House.

After a l-o-n-g time of the Hat sitting on John Potter's head—

—instead of the Hat announcing a House, the Hat said, "Next! Stand up and step aside, John Potter. I call Paulina Potter out of turn."

Paulina sat on the stool while she wore a photogenic, beauty-queen smile that told those people who could see this smile, nothing about what Paulina actually was thinking or feeling.

After several minutes, the Hat called out, "Next! Stand up and step aside, Paulina Potter. I call—"

Undoubtedly everyone expected for Harry Potter's name to come next.

"—Hermione Granger out of turn."

As the eleven-year-old girl eagerly hurried to the stool, many students commented on the Potter crest on her right sleeve—

"Who's she?"

"That's not a wizarding name."

"A first-year Muggle-born is a Protectée of House Potter?"

After a time, the Hat said, "Next! Stand up and step aside, Hermione Granger. I call Harry Potter out of turn."

By the time Harry was sitting on the stool and was mentally conversing with the Sorting Hat, John had put his hand on Hermione's shoulder, and Hermione and Paulina were holding hands.

After a while, the Hat yelled, "GRYFFINDOR, GRYFFINDOR, GRYFFINDOR, GRYFFINDOR! Professor McGonagall, Hogwarts assigns Gryffindor Married Suite 1 to John, Paulina and Harry Potter."

As Harry and Hermione went to sit on the bench at the empty first-years section of the Gryffindor table, and John and Paulina went to sit among the Gryffindor seventh-years, the normal Sorting began. McGonagall called out, "Abbott, Hannah."

Meanwhile, the Weasley twins were chanting, "We got Potterzzz! We got Potterzzz!"

Hermione said to Harry: "I'm sure our Sorting will be written-up in the next edition of Hogwarts: A History."

Lavender Brown squealed when she was Sorted into Gryffindor—

—mainly because now Lavender would be in the same House as her new idol, Paulina Potter.

But also, Lavender was happy because now she would share a dormitory with Hermione Granger. Lavender did not recognise Granger from parties, which meant that either Granger was an American like Paulina, or Granger was a British Muggle-born. But if already Harry Potter was holding hands with Granger, Granger was the coolest witch in their year, and now Lavender got to room with her!

Neville could not begin to guess how he had been Sorted into the House of the Brave, but he was not about to complain one bit. The relief he felt, being put in the same House as Hermione Granger and the three Potters, was too big to be described.

Neville in 1991 had no way of knowing that the Sorting Hat had seen John Potter's memories of Neville in 1998—in whose chest beat the heart of a warrior. After the Hat saw those memories, Neville's Sorting into Gryffindor was a no-brainer.

Nor did Neville know that Headmaster Dumbledore had ordered that Neville be put in Gryffindor, but this order had had zero effect on the Hat's decision.

For Albus, the Sortings as they progressed were a mixture of good and bad.

The Hat had obeyed Albus's orders and had put both Harry and the Longbottom boy in Gryffindor. But the Hat also had taken the unprecedented step of Sorting the Potters (and the Granger girl) out of turn, and had put John Potter in Gryffindor against Albus's specific order.

Some of the Sortings were puzzles to Albus. The Smiths were a reliable Light-sided family, always Sorting into Hufflepuff; but Zacharias Smith had Sorted into the Dark House. This was the exact opposite of the Crabbe and Goyle boys, whose fathers were Kissed Death Eaters, but who had been Sorted into Hufflepuff.

But John Potter being Sorted into Gryffindor, and Harry Potter not living in the regular Gryffindor boys' dormitory, were not the disasters that Albus at first had thought they were. Because Harry still would share a Great Hall table, and classes, with Ronal—

Wait, Slytherin? The bloody Hat just put Ronald Weasley in Slytherin? Does the Hat not understand the importance of the Greater Good?

"NO!" yelled newly Sorted Ron Weasley. "Bloody hell, NO! Sort me again—I refuse to go into the House of the slimy snakes! Weasleys have been Gryffindors for generations."

"But you're no Gryffindor," the Hat replied calmly. "Nor are you a Hufflepuff, nor a Ravenclaw. You're scared of spiders, you've no loyalty to anyone but yourself, and your intelligence shows itself only when playing chess. You're ambitious, though you're too lazy to work for anything that you cannot earn easily; and you have cunning when it comes to destroying those people of whom you're envious. You see Muggle-borns as subhuman. Slytherin House as it is now, suits you, though Salazar would be ashamed to have you in his House."

The headmaster said, "Hat, you have made your point, but I insist that you re-Sort Mr Ronald Weasley."

The Hat replied, "This won't happen—my orders come from the Founders, not from you. Professor McGonagall, is the Sorting complete, or do you have more names to call?"

"One more name," McGonagall replied.

Snape stood up and pointed to the Slytherin table. "Mr Ronald Weasley, you've fifteen seconds to run to your proper table and to sit down there, or you'll be assigned the first detention of the new term!"

Back at the Gryffindor table

John and Paulina, at one end of the table, and Harry and Hermione, at the other end of the table, were telling their respective tablemates that they had "dodged a curse"/"dodged a bullet" by Ron Weasley not being Sorted into Gryffindor.

In the middle of the table, Fred, George and Percy, when asked, said nothing about their youngest brother's Sorting, and immediately tried to change the subject.

During the Welcoming Feast

Paulina walked up to the Head Table and presented the "Paulina Potter is Hermione Granger's magical guardian" document to McGonagall.

Dumbledore said, "My dear, I see no need for this. I have complete confidence in Professor McGonagall as the magical guardian of any Gryffindor Muggle-born."

Paulina replied, "Your scheming is easily spotted, headmaster."

Then Paulina walked over to where Poppy Pomfrey was eating, and gave her a copy of the document.

As soon as Paulina returned to the Gryffindor table, John stood up and walked to the Head Table. "Headmaster, do I have your permission to address the room?"

"What about?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes twinkling.

"About Harry Potter—the myth and the reality."

John looked Dumbledore straight in the eyes, all but daring the bearded bloviator to read his mind. John felt no mental attack; instead, Dumbledore frowned and glanced down at John's right hand—where the Potter Regent ring was.

McGonagall said timidly, "Albus, I'd love to hear what Mr Potter has to say about Mr Potter."

Dumbledore tried to stare John down. "Everything I have done for Harry has been for his own good."

John replied coldly, "Are you trying to convince me, or trying to convince Professor McGonagall? Director Ragnok and I know what you are."

Dumbledore said, "And if I refuse permission to speak?"

Dumbledore's question drew sharp looks from McGonagall and Flitwick.

John replied, "Then I find the school gossips and tell them about Harry. It takes longer this way, but the word still gets out—and your name gets mentioned, unfavorably."

"Very well, you may address the Great Hall."

Which John did. He told hundreds of listeners that the Roy Locke books about Harry Potter were cover-to-cover lies. The real Harry Potter had not grown up in Wales; he had not grown up in a blue palace; and Harry had not grown up with George and Rowena Potter, because those two people did not exist. The real Harry Potter had not gone on even one magical adventure.

Then John told the students and professors about the real Harry's life—but John used understatements and euphemisms. The first-year students in all four Houses often looked at John in puzzlement, not understanding what he was trying to say.

But even with many understatements and euphemisms, the seventh-years and the professors looked at John in horror.

"...It was I who told Harry Potter, at age ten, who his parents were. Harry's relatives never had spoken his parents' names in his hearing."

When John told the Great Hall that Harry had grown up with his mother's no-magic sister, Petunia Evans Dursley, John turned around and looked Snape straight in the eyes. Snape almost fell out of his chair in shock. Then Snape glared at Dumbledore.

Young Harry's face was white and he looked sickly.

Hermione's hand was gripping Harry's hand, and she looked sympathetic.

Despite John's words, and Snape's glares, Dumbledore's eyes twinkled and he looked serene.

John pointed out to his listeners, "One thing you guys should realize about what I told you: Harry Potter's family on his father's side goes back hundreds of years, yes; but Harry himself knows about none of his heritage except for what I have been able to teach him in the past five very busy weeks. Harry thinks like a Mundane-born, and he'll make the same mistakes around you wizard-raised kids that a Mundane-born makes.

"Oh, and let me tell you one more thing: about Harry's owl-mail. Until this July, there was an owl-mail redirect on Harry. If you ever wrote him a letter, or sent him a birthday card or a Yule card, your owl went somewhere, and perhaps someone read what you wrote. But Harry? He never saw it. This most recent July 31st was the first time that Harry received birthday cards and birthday gifts from magical people."

At the Slytherin table, during the Welcoming Feast

The other Slytherin firsties were unpleasantly surprised to have Zacharias Smith amidst them. They all had attended children's parties with him, and they had each decided that they did not like him. So tonight, none of the other new Slytherins warmly welcomed Smith into the House of Snakes. However, neither were they rude to him.

On the other hand, Ron Weasley was ignored by the other Slytherin first-years; and when he could not be ignored, he was insulted. The insults grew, and came from half the table, when Ron Weasley demonstrated his (total lack of) table manners.

Ron Weasley was sitting, not by his choice, at the very end of the Slytherin table. Meanwhile, three bodies up towards the seventh-years' end of the table, on the other side of the table, firstie Daphne Greengrass was telling both third-year Sam Flint and his older brother Marcus Flint to get lost—

Daphne yelled, "Am I the only person at this table who reads the newspaper? The Dark Lord—the evil idiot—is dead, and all the Death Eaters except for a Russian, they're all dead too! You Flints, and many other kids at the Slytherin table, you have dead Death Eater fathers. But the Prophet did not print only 'So-And-So the Death Eater died yesterday,' the Prophet revealed what he said under truth serum at his trial. The Death Eaters weren't heroes who were fighting for a noble cause, they weren't role models; they were disgusting, sick murderers!"

Sam Flint yelled, "You're a blood-traitor to say that!"

Daphne ignored the insult and yelled back, "But you want to know who at this table has a father alive? Meaning, not Kissed by a Dementor? Everyone whose father wasn't and isn't a Death Eater. So before you threaten me because you're bigger than I and you know more magic than I, remember that every firstie you threaten has a father who will defend his child against the half-orphaned son or daughter of a disgraced corpse! Get a clue that the game has changed, you inbred morons, or it will be you lot who suffer."

Tracey Davis said, "My father has been taking shit from Death Eaters for twenty years. He'd love to give a bit of pushback, Flints."

Millicent Bulstrode said, "Same with my father."

Blaise Zabini said, "My father is dead, but not by Dementor's Kiss, and my stepfather is a lust-mad milquetoast. But my mother? She's un-Marked; and you really, truly do not wish to make her angry."

Daphne smiled sweetly at the Flint brothers. "My father, unlike some people"—Daphne chin-pointed at the bearded wizard who sat on the golden throne—"does not believe in giving misbehaving Slytherin children 'unlimited second chances.' Like I said, the game has changed."

Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy was sitting at the first-years' part of the Slytherin table, keeping silent whilst he ate. Between Paulina Potter's words and her Relationship chart on the train, and Daphne Greengrass's words now, Draco had no idea what to think.

About an hour later
After the Welcoming Feast, in Gryffindor Tower

McGonagall gave a short speech to the first-years, to the two transfer students, and to the other Gryffindors, which boiled down to If you have a problem, talk to a prefect, because this is what they are here for; only if Gryffindor Tower is falling down should you bother me.

Then McGonagall took the three Potters out of the Gryffindor common-room portrait-hole, and across the hallway to a portrait that John never had noticed before—

This portrait showed a young woman with blond hair and smiling brown eyes; and a man with red hair and a trimmed red beard. Both the man and the woman were wearing velvet robes with narrow shoulder-covers—meaning, robes from centuries ago.

McGonagall said to the portrait-couple, "Lord Geoffrey, Lady Heather, these are John Potter, the Potter Regent; his wife Paulina Potter; and John's second cousin and ward, Harry Potter, the Potter Heir. Mr Potter, Mrs Potter, Mr Potter, these are Geoffrey Weasley, the one-time Head of House Weasley, and Heather Weasley his wife."

The portrait-couple bowed/curtseyed to the three Potters who, caught by surprise, belatedly returned the courtesies.

"Well met and good e'en," said Lady Heather.

Lord Geoffrey smiled as he asked, "Now, a password or passphrase, if you would be so kind?"

John and Paulina looked at the deputy headmistress with raised eyebrows, while the elder Potters said nothing.

McGonagall said archly, "You don't trust me to know the password?"

Paulina said, "Bless your heart. What happens if Harry is in his bedroom asleep, and John and I are 'enjoying our marriage' up against the wall, just inside the front door? I reckon you'd be embarrassed by what you see."

McGonagall looked scandalized.

John said, "Harry lived a nightmare life with the Dursleys for ten years, and Dumbledore put toddler-Harry with the Dursleys. Swear on your magic that you had not even a guess where Harry was living, and we'll trust you enough to let you hear the password."

"I cannot make such an oath."

Paulina said, "We bid you goodnight then."

McGonagall huffed, then walked away.

Not that John was paranoid or anything, but before he set the passphrase, he checked for Listening Charms nearby. He found two such Charms, and removed them both—

—but not before saying clearly, very close to one of the Listening Charms, "Albus Percival Dumbledore is beginning to piss me off."

Then John cast a Muffliato that was small enough in size that only the three Potters and the portrait-door were inside the Muffling Charm. Now John grinned at Paulina. "It's time to set the passphrase. I defer to you, O intelligent one."

" 'Spiders under the stairs,' " Paulina replied.

Harry gave Paulina a surprised look.

"Sleep well," Lady Heather said, as the door was being opened.

In Gryffindor Married Suite 1, as soon as the door was shut (and after the Potters checked for Listening Charms), Paulina took charge—

"Harry, breakfast begins at seven, and the first class begins at nine, so normally you can sleep late if you're willing to miss breakfast. But the morning after the Sorting, the Heads of Houses want everyone in the Great Hall by 8:15. This is when class schedules—at Hogwarts, they're called timetables—are handed out. Anyway, we'll wake you at 7:30, so you can shower. We'll collect Hermione in the Gryffindor common room sometime between 8:00 and 8:15, then we'll go to the Great Hall together. I strongly suggest that you go to bed now."

Harry said, "Sure, I'll go to bed now, but I won't sleep good. I ate too much, and my tummy hurts."

John said, "A Stomach-Soother Potion will fix you up. Greyclay!"

John was not sure that a Potter house-elf could pop through the Hogwarts wards. Maybe the situation would be different if an unmarried student called for a house-elf; but however it was allowed, John called for Greyclay, and Greyclay popped into the suite. Five seconds later, a vial of Stomach-Soother Potion was on the table.

Paulina asked, "Harry, do you mind if I practice a spell that I haven't had a chance to practice before?"

Young Harry looked at Paulina warily. "What spell?"

"The 'From Bottle to Person' spell. Mostly it's used to give healing potions to unconscious patients. The spell puts the potion directly in someone's stomach."

Harry said, "Erm..."

John said, "Paulina, I trust you completely, but Harry still believes a little, that every adult he meets is out to fuck him over."

Paulina said, "Language, John!"

Then Paulina looked at Harry and asked in a soft voice, "Is this true? You think I'm uncaring or a klutz, and won't cast the spell correctly?"

Harry now was blushing red. "You're great at magic, Paulina, but if you make a mistake, maybe you'll blame me for it."

John said, "How about she practice on me first, so you can learn to trust her?"

Harry looked relieved. "Yeah, let's do that."

John summoned Greyclay again, who was told to go fetch another vial—but this second vial was to be filled with pure water, not any kind of potion.

Paulina took the vial of water from Greyclay, thanked him, then put the vial on the table.

"Ex Utrem," she incanted, then pointed her wand at the vial of water; "Ad Persona," she incanted, then pointed her wand at John's stomach. Paulina kept pointing her wand at the same part of John's stomach.

After about ten seconds, Paulina pointed her wand at the floor.

"Is the vial empty?" John asked Harry.

Harry went to the table, picked up the vial, and shook it. "Yeah, it's empty."

John asked Paulina, "How did you know the vial was empty?"

She shrugged. "My wand stopped vibrating in my hand."

Paulina asked John, "How do you feel?"

"Less thirsty," John replied.

Paulina nodded. "Which means that the water that was in the vial, now is in your body."

"I suppose. But you mentioned 'vibrating.' Where you were pointing your wand at me, I felt a vibration at the spot on my stomach that you were pointing to. The vibration was as though I were holding Uncle Vernon's electric shaver there."

Harry said he now trusted Paulina to cast the Ex Utrem ad Persona spell safely on him, so she cast it—sending Stomach-Soother Potion directly to Harry's stomach.

Harry, like John, reported that one spot on his stomach felt like someone was holding Uncle Vernon's vibrating electric shaver there.

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor common room

As Hermione had walked from the Great Hall to Gryffindor Tower, she had had a minor decision to make: whether to write a quick note to her parents and to owl-post it tonight before curfew; or to wait to write her parents a letter tomorrow, after she had attended classes.

Tonight's note, had Hermione written it and sent it, would have said I'm in Gryffindor! Actually, all four of us are in Gryffindor. Headmaster Dumbledore tonight warned everyone away from the "third-floor corridor on the right-hand side" unless they "wish to die a most painful death," which is exactly what John and Paulina predicted.

This little note of Hermione's, had it been written and sent, would have been a disaster for John and for Paulina.

But disaster was averted when Professor McGonagall finished giving her little speech and left the Gryffindor common room. Because then almost all of Hermione's new Housemates fired question after question at her; and it was unthinkable to Hermione to refuse to answer questions. Hermione did not even have time to break out her parchment and quill before curfew demanded she go upstairs to her dormitory and climb into bed.

Even then, two of Hermione's new roommates, an Indian girl and a blonde, continued the bookworm's interrogation.

What surprised Hermione was that Lavender Brown had as many questions about Paulina Potter as about Harry Potter, and about Hermione herself.

Several hours later, in the headmaster's office

The room was empty of humans; Dumbledore was in the headmaster's suite and was snoring.

Well out of the way, where nobody would bump into it accidentally, was the four-legged stool that was used for Sortings. The Sorting Hat was set upon the stool.

The Hat said lowly, "Spirit of Hogwarts, it's time for the annual Sorting briefing."

In front of the Sorting Hat, the Spirit of Hogwarts appeared.

The Spirit of Hogwarts looked like a marble statue of a young woman—a statue which could move and talk, and which was wearing four-colour robes that displayed the Hogwarts crest. The Spirit of Hogwarts was the facilitator for the magical operation of the castle; a Muggle-born would say that the Spirit of Hogwarts was the school's operating system.

The Spirit of Hogwarts, right after she appeared in front of the Sorting Hat, did not ask what to do next. She created a Silencing Charm so that the headmaster-portraits, any house-elves who were nearby but invisible, any ghosts who were nearby but invisible, or the headmaster (if he should walk out of his suite) would not hear what was said between the Sorting Hat and the Spirit of Hogwarts.

Once the Silencing Charm was in place, the Sorting Hat briefed the Spirit of Hogwarts about the most interesting things that the Hat had learnt from peering into forty or fifty eleven-year-olds' minds this year.

This was something that the Hat and the Spirit of Hogwarts had been doing together on Sorting Night for the past thousand years; and nobody but the two of them ever knew what was said between them. Dumbledore had "insisted," to both the Hat and to the Spirit of Hogwarts, that they each divulge the first-year children's secrets; Dumbledore had predicted frightening, but wildly unlikely, dire catastrophes if the children's secrets were not shared. But both the Hat and the Spirit of Hogwarts had told Dumbledore to sit down and to shut up; they would tell him nothing.

This year's conversation between the Hat and the Spirit of Hogwarts about the Sorting was quite different than the thousand before. Once the Silencing Charm was cast, the Hat said, "Seventh-year transfer student John Potter, who was Sorted into Gryffindor, is a time-traveller from 1998. Actually, he is the older version of first-year student Harry Potter. John Potter's wife Paulina Potter, another seventh-year transfer student, who also was Sorted into Gryffindor, also is a time-traveler from 1998. Actually, she is the older version of first-year student Hermione Granger. Here is what I've learnt about the next seven years..."