Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, would these sort of things REALLY happen? Be thankful that I don't.
Most Eligible Bachelor
Morino Ibiki – No.1 Rookie of his year, expert in psychological warfare, master of pain and torture, veteran Special Jounin for nineteen years, leader of ANBU's Torture and Interrogation Squad – screamed like a girl. That had been confirmed by everyone within a five-block radius of his house that morning. As for the reason behind the scream, everyone within a five-block radius knew that too. As did the rest of the villagers. As did all of those who wandered into Konoha Village that day. As did a certain masked Jounin, who had sat hidden in the shadows of the corridor near the entrance to Ibiki's apartment, watching the scene unfold before him.
"Morino Ibiki, the bringer of our happiness! The cause of our marital bliss! The uniter of two lonely hearts! Your salvation is here!" Gai was practically dancing with joy in front of the scarred – and scared – special Jounin, slapping him on the back every now and then. Ibiki winced with every slap. Behind him, Anko, Lee, and the two Maito children were nodding great encouragement, flashing thumbs up and sending him sparkling grins.
"What do you want from me, Maito?" he growled. He had not woken up on the right side of bed this morning. And seeing all those horrible – he still shuddered at the horror of it. To have the Leaf's most enthusiastic family (and Lee) call on him first thing in the morning was almost too much to bear. Luckily, he had been trained to be patient, and to withstand punishment of all sorts. Well, almost any sort of punishment.
Kakashi chuckled quietly at the sight of Ibiki's face. He had spent many long and tiring hours racking his brains for something that even the master of torture would find distinctly unpleasant. Convincing Gai and Anko to go along had been easy, though. They actually believed it was good for him. Now all he had to do was watch, while they threw themselves into the role with typical gusto.
"Nothing, my dearest friend! I don't want anything from you! I want to give you something!" Gai exclaimed happily, as he hugged Anko close to him. "I have just come to the realisation that while you were responsible for bringing the love of my life into my arms, you have no one to keep you company, in the long and cold winter nights!"
"What!" Ibiki grunted. "I only set you two up because I wanted to get her off my back."
"That's not very nice, Ibiki," Anko frowned. Then she smiled happily, and even slightly dizzily, at her husband. "But I forgive you. He's far more worth it than you."
"Nevertheless, my friend – the bringer of our love shall not go unrewarded! It is time that I repaid you the favour! Anko and I have dedicated ourselves to this cause! We shall find you a wife worthy of your noble and romantic heart!" Kakashi waited for it… he wanted to savour this moment. Everything slowed down as Gai's arm rose dramatically. His legs were standing akimbo. His mouth started to widen. The sunlight burst through the shades covering the window and reflected off pearly whites. The bushy eyebrows went up. Then, the thumb. The dreaded… horrifying… irrevocable – Nice Guy Pose. "It's a promise of a lifetime!"
Kakashi grinned under his mask. Morino Ibiki had never been on the receiving end of one of those before. Now let's see how he handles it. Sweet, sweet revenge flooded through his heart.
"What!" Ibiki growled menacingly, grabbing Gai by the scruff of his bright green jumpsuit "Were you the ones responsible for THAT!" He pointed out the window at the horrors he had woken up to.
"It's all part of the plan," Gai assured him, seemingly unfazed by the aura of imminent and painful death that hung around Ibiki at the moment. "First, we start with a small publicity campaign, just to let the ladies know that you're available and looking."
"You call THAT a small publicity campaign?" Ibiki was almost at the point of shrieking with rage. Kakashi could barely hold in the laughter. From door to door and wall to wall, posters of Ibiki covered the buildings of Konoha, decorating almost every square inch of bare space available. He had helped to put them up himself. Of course, all the work of designing them had been done by Gai and family. He looked down at the sheaf of papers he still held in his hands.
MORINO IBIKI!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FACE! KONOHA VILLAGE'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR IS NOW LOOKING FOR A BRIDE TO SHARE THE ETERNAL HAPPINESS OF MARITAL BLISS WITH HIM. LADIES, PLEASE TAKE A NUMBER! REMEMBER, BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!
This poster had a picture of Ibiki with his forehead protector off, showing his scarred head. It had taken Gai several days of tailing Ibiki around the village with a camera before he had been able to obtain the perfect shot he wanted.
MORINO IBIKI!
HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN BLEED AND STILL FEEL GOOD! ONE MOMENT OF PAIN, ONE LIFETIME OF PLEASURE! KONOHA'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR IS NOW LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL TO SHARE HIS "TECHNIQUES" WITH.
That one had been pure Anko. Kakashi had nearly choked the first time he had read it. Sometimes, he wondered about that woman…
MORINO IBIKI!
HE KNOWS YOUR MOST INTIMATE THOUGHTS. SPECIAL JOUNIN, AND VETERAN OF A THOUSAND BATTLES – LADIES, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO FEAR, WITH HIM BY YOUR SIDE! MATCHMAKER OF MAITO GAI AND MITARASHI ANKO, A HIDDEN ROMANTIC TRAPPED UNDER THAN TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME EXTERIOR. NOW THE TIME TO SEE WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THAT COOL FACE HE SHOWS TO WORLD. KONOHA'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR IS LOOKING FOR A PARTNER TO SHARE HIS LIFE WITH.
At least Lee had been slightly wiser than his sensei. He had gone to Sakura for help in the phrasing of the message. Of course, Kakashi was now doubting the sanity of his former student in agreeing to help. But that was Sakura. There was a hidden sadist rivalling Ibiki underneath that all that pink, fluffy hair.
Gai was now being throttled slowly by Ibiki, flopping around bonelessly in the larger man's steel grip. Anko, instead of rushing to save her husband, was squatting down beside her children and pointing out Ibiki's methods, instructing them to pay close attention so that they could learn to do the same eventually. Both children were wide-eyed in awe.
Kakashi grinned as he slipped away to put up more posters. This was going to be fun.