Hitori (alone)
by mewling
(akaku somaru machi de
kage wo hodou ni
egaita futari ha
doko ni itta no?
sotto sugi satteku
kisetsu no naka
nokosareta
boku dake...)
In the city turning shades of red,
what ever happened to those two,
who painted shadows on the road?
In a season rapidly moving on
I'm the only one left behind.
Takeshi liked to smoke.
Chihiro knew this because she often found cigarette butts on a little dish by the apartment door. His breath always smelt like mints mingling with smoke. She'd never seen him smoke.
Sometimes he would run his fingers through her hair and say, "You're beautiful, you know. I really do love you." Chihiro would smile and say she loved him too.
Then she'd shift up and kiss him, even though she knew they were both lying.
It was two a.m. The apartment was quiet, and Chihiro lay on the futon alone. Through the window, the night sky was grey with the city lights. You couldn't see a single star.
It was always like this. His work was on a different schedule than hers. He'd come home late, or she'd leave early, she'd take a night shift and he'd come back to the apartment early. Sometimes she'd be making coffee as he entered and went to bed and they'd share a passing, impersonal moment of conversation. Or they'd meet each other at the door, as one went in and the other went out, and laugh politely at the coincidence.
The kitchen was rarely used except to make coffee. Remnants of beef bowl and other fast food lay in the rubbish bin. Chihiro didn't think they'd shared a meal since they met. It was strange to think that although she and Takeshi could spend days without even seeing each other, they slept in the same bed everyday.
Chihiro didn't mind this, or the extra hours she spent at work. It was the times when she was alone with her thoughts like this that she feared the most, because they reminded her of things that she could never forget, and of people she would never see again. Chihiro remembered a time when she and Takeshi had each taken a week off to spend some time together.
"A bath house? Why would you want to go to one of those old fashioned places?" Takeshi had said. And Chihiro was quiet, but he had never realised he had touched a nerve.
It was only a short while, but those were the most precious memories Chihiro had. She would think about what she would do if she ever went back, what she should have done. And every year she was a little more ashamed and clinging onto things that happened such a long time ago.
"Everything's so boring now," Chihiro remarked to the empty bedroom. Her voice gained weight in the pressure of the silence. She didn't like the way it sounded. She'd been alone ever since she'd married. She missed when she was young and used to climb things, chase things and was surrounded by her friends. And of course, there was that time when she was ten… Chihiro sighed, and turned over. She was having a hard enough time sleeping without thinking about him.
(sunao ni
yowasa wo miseru
koto sae
dekizu ni ita
bukiyou na
ai datta
mou ichido ano toki no
futari ni modoreru no naraba
mayowazu ni kimi no koto
dakishime
hanasanai)
It was an awkward love.
I couldn't even come out
and show how weak I was
If we could go back to who we were then
without a second thought
I would take you in my arms and never let go
Chihiro was quiet as she ate her breakfast. For some reason, Takeshi was eating breakfast with her, and also silent. She noted, with cool indifference, the tense angle of his shoulders, the nervous motions of his long fingers as he ate and his averted eyes. She wondered what he wanted to talk about it, and felt no desire to ease his apprehension.
Finally he set down his rice bowl on the table and stared directly at her. Chihiro couldn't prevent the arch of her eyebrow.
"Chihiro," he said, "It's about your name." She had been expecting this for a while, and said nothing, keeping her eyes on the tea she was pouring.
"It's not like I don't respect your right to assert yourself," he went on. That's exactly what it is, thought Chihiro, sipping. "It's just that, well, at work, it isn't the best for my reputation."
"That's your concern." Chihiro was surprised by the coldness in her tone. She sounded so… old.
Takeshi's face was an uncomfortable shade of red. "Ogino isn't such a wonderful name, you know. It would mean a lot to me if you changed it to Kawashima."
Chihiro opened her mouth to reply angrily, but Takeshi held up his hand to stop her, and continued. "They'll spread rumours. And with all the work I've been putting into getting a promotion, it's hardly good for my wife to have a different name while I try to impress people."
"I don't understand," Chihiro argued hotly, her face red now too, and she tightened her grip on the tea cup. "Change your name to Ogino, then. I'm not the one with the issue." She knew why this was a silly thing to say.
Takeshi leant back on to the bookcase, running hands through black hair frustratedly. He was usually a very easy going guy. Somewhere distant in Chihiro's mind, she realised this would be their first confrontation, since they rarely spoke. More prevalent in her mind was the connotations of changing her name to his.
Ogino Chihiro was Ogino Chihiro. Kawashima Takeshi was Kawashima Takeshi. Neither of them owned the other.
Takeshi had stood up now, and with his back turned to the seated Chihiro, he began picking up things on the shelf behind. "I think well enough of you to presume you know why I can't do that." Feeling ridiculously threatened, Chihiro stood up too, collecting the dishes.
"I know that this marriage was arranged by our families," Takeshi went on. Chihiro setting plates in the kitchen couldn't see him, but his voice amplified through the apartment. "So we don't have some of the bonds that might connect another couple. But it does mean that you can approach these matters in a more… business-like manner." He sighed again, and said "I do love you Chihiro."
Tears welled up in Chihiro's eyes. It wasn't the fault of Takeshi, who had always been a civil sort of nice to her, that she was to touchy. She was just frustrated that she wasn't a child anymore.
But she wouldn't change her name.
(kuroku somaru yoru ha
hiza wo kakaete
kimi to ita hi wo
omoikaesu yo)
The night turning shades of black
cradling myself,
thinking back on the days
we were together.
"I also want to talk about having children."
Chihiro dropped a plate, and cursed. "I thought we already-"
"I know! Chihiro, you're not a child anymore. I don't know what it is that you're always so nostalgic about, or who it is you're in love with, but you need to grow up, forget about it or get some closure! You can't just marry someone for the security of the contract and the economic convenience for you. It's a two way agreement."
Chihiro dangled her hands in the rapidly filling sink and watched them with blurred eyes. She wouldn't cry.
Takeshi appeared in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the white plaster frame. In his arms were her coat, handbag and a small duffel bag filled with what Chihiro recognised as her own clothes. He can't throw me out! Chihiro thought, horrified.
"You should go for a walk, or a small vacation. I'll call your work; just think about what I've said for a few days."
Chihiro said nothing.
"The water's overflowing."
"Shit!" exclaimed Chihiro, turning it off hurriedly. Takeshi laughed a little, and gave her the coat and things. She stared at them while Takeshi mopped up the spilt water. She wondered if this was an indirect way of telling her she could run away of she wanted to.
But that wasn't like someone who was worried her name might affect his reputation. She was suddenly tempted to run away.
"You're right," she said at length, thinking of forests and tunnels, "I do need to go… somewhere."
(kitto osanasugite
miezu ni ita
ai to iu na no
imi)
I'm sure I was just too immature
I couldn't see the meaning
of a thing called love.
In the hotel room, Chihiro frowned, her clothes spread over the bed. She couldn't believe she wore this stuff. White dress shirts, stockings, tight black skirts. But then again, at this age she couldn't wear a striped t-shirt and shorts.
Her frown deepened.
Two hours later, she was wearing a pink dress white sandals and her hair out. The dress stopped at her knees and had nice, straight lines, which was good because Chihiro was tall, but it contrasted oddly with the purple band around her wrist. She was getting looks from men, but she didn't care. She hadn't felt this free since she was in Junior High.
The forest was a dark as Chihiro had remembered it. She thought it was a small miracle it hadn't been constructed upon. Or perhaps not, she thought, such a coincidence. She felt silly and happy, even though the forest was so dark.
It soon became evident it was stupid do buy white shoes. The armpit of Chihiro's new pink dress was dark with sweat. (1) Her small bag, although it only contained a few onigiri, a small thermos of tea, her wallet and cell phone (she wasn't so foolish as to leave it behind) became heavier by the second.
These trees looked awfully familiar, but then again they all looked rather the same. Chihiro sighed and paused, feeling as though her age was beginning to collect again.
"I'm lost, aren't I." The forest was silent. She put down her bag.
"Ah!" she cried, as the bag rolled down a sight incline, "My food!" She followed it down, stumbling slightly.
And came out on a road, to a very familiar tunnel on a surrounded b very familiar vines.
Chihiro stared into its black, yawning mouth, eyes wide, bag forgotten.
(ano toki
mune ni tsumotta
ikue no
omoide sae
oto mo naku
toketeyuku)
That time
all the memories piling up in my heart
melt away without a sound
Moments passed. She couldn't move. I've got to go in (2), she thought.
"Be reasonable," she whispered to herself, "Why are you so afraid? It's not like there's a dragon in there." A second goes by, and she laughs at her own stupidity.
Dragons remind her of things she doesn't need to forget anymore and she wanted more than anything to be on the other side of that tunnel, with the people she loves more than anyone. And she wasn't afraid of the dark.
Chihiro marvelled at the density of the dark. She ran her hand along the side of the wall to make sure she was walking straight. She felt sick with excitement and trepidation, her heart thumping almost painfully in her chest. I'm really here! Light shone at the end of the tunnel. Chihiro broke into a run, feeling the cold air rush through her hair and against her bare arms.
I wanted so badly to go back, she thought, but I always thought that you would come. She could see shapes forming through the opening. Even though you all meant so much to me—
--I didn't want to look back.
Also, at that time that is so precious, being Ogino Chihiro was so important; I don't want that to change. If I change my name, I won't ever be that Chihiro who was brave, who was loved, and I'll become bound to someone else. I haven't been able too see this any other way.
She flew out of the tunnel, and stumbled to a halt. I wanted to go back to that time so badly--
Around her were just trees of the forest were she had entered.
--because I wanted to be free.
The light of the afternoon was fading, and the cold breeze of the afternoon struck Chihiro's hot skin painfully. She felt the anticipation drain from her belly. Empty.
(mou ichido ano yoru ni
ima sugu modoreru no naraba
satteyuku kimi no se wo
dakishime
hikitomeyou...)
If I could go back to that night right away,
I'd hold you from behind as you walked away
I'd keep you here...
It was just a tunnel, after all.
Chihiro looked around wildly, searching for a clue that she hadn't been in love with a dream for most of her life. Wasn't that…
…her bag, the one she'd dropped? It was on the same side too, so she hadn't gone through the looking glass (something that had terrified Chihiro after she'd read Lewis Carroll in Junior High).
Looking over her shoulder, she looked at the tunnel warily. A tunnel that led nowhere. She frowned.
Not nowhere- back to where she started? It didn't make any sense. Magic..?
Spirits..?
Chihiro's legs somehow managed to move themselves over to pick up her bag. She feels her new dress sticking to her burning legs and as they remind her how long it's been since she had last run. A little bubble of hope grew.
Chihiro sits down, leaning against a tree in view of the tunnel entrance, and starts to eat her little picnic. It is quiet, and there seems nothing strange about anything at all. She thinks that they really are precious memories; but nothing can be done about them now.
For her, that little experience defined her and made her special. Even if she couldn't go back, nothing would change her feelings. Munching, she looked up at the sky, a dark blue. The sound of a bid reverberates through the dense forest, and Chihiro felt her mind clear, if just a little.
(katte na koto da to
hyaku mo shouchi no ue da yo
sugu jyanakute ii
boku ha hitori de machitsuzukeru)
I'm well aware how selfish it is of me,
it doesn't have to be right away,
I'll keep waiting alone,
Drinking the last of her tea- tepid, despite the thermos- she fixed her hair, and straightened her dress. With dismay, she noticed the pretty fabric smirched with dirt, grass and curious black tunnel gunk. She settled her bag on her back and stood.
Chihiro walked those few meters to stand in front of the tunnels entrance, which breathed cold air at her.
She remembered even in junior and senior high school, she had been alone. Friends were only temporary; all relationships would, over time, grow cold. Faces and names of her friends in school were vague and faded- it was unlikely they would meet again. She didn't really care.
After all, Chihiro knew better than most there was no such thing as forever. She shut her eyes.
Licking her lips, she wondered what it was, this feeling. An evening wind ran through, buffeting her back and spraying her with leaves and other debris. Wasn't it better, like this? Never being really attached meant she could never really be separated. Didn't that mean she wouldn't hurt anymore?
Tears were running out of her eyes. Her breath was harsh.
Her skinny arms were crossed across her chest, rubbing the cold appendages. Her dress beat across her thighs, and the sound of the wind almost drowned the sound of her tears. Almost.
Loneliness.
(kimi to ita omoide ni
yorisoinagara ikiteiru
nasakenai boku dakedo
ima demo wasurerarenai )
I live side by side with my memories of being with you
it's pathetic of me,
but even still I can't forget them
She cried because she wished she could bring the memories of that time alive, and that remembering the name of the colour of his eyes would make her feel better. She cried because realised she had hurt people being cold, and couldn't change it. She cried because she wanted to be an innocent child again. Because she wanted to be strong again, because she really, really, wished she didn't care so much.
She cried because what had happened when she was ten happened when she was ten and would never happen again.
Opening her eyes she shouts down the tunnel, voice hoarse. "I really did love you, you know."
The smile on her lips contrasted oddly with the tears on her cheeks. "I really did," Chihiro whispered softly.
She looked up at the sky. Now it really was dark.
----------------
If Takeshi was surprised to see Chihiro come home the next morning, hair out and wearing a dirty pink dress, he did not show it. Instead, he watched her, as if waiting for an answer.
As Chihiro took off her shoes and put on her slippers, she realised for the first time how small the apartment was. For some reason, she felt more mature than Takeshi today, something- she now realised- she had never felt before. She smiles inwardly, and goes to put her belongings away.
"Have you thought about it?" Takeshi stood behind her, in the bedroom doorway. In Chihiro's mind's eye, he is leaning against the frame, casual like to hide his nerves.
Chihiro, who was in the process of putting her clothes away in the closet, said a simple, "Yes."
"Well?"
She put the last shirt away, and pulled the closet door closed. Chihiro rose and stood in front of him, smiling prettily. His eyes ran over her loose hair with a surprised sort of curiosity.
"As adults, we can both agree that my last name won't hold you back in your work, if you're good enough. If it's too complicated, you don't have to say we're married." Chihiro thought that although speaking her mind was nice, it wasn't the great reliever it was said to be. Reaching up, she ran the hand through his short, dark hair, and wished it were longer. "I want to have children, but not now. I've never really been interested, but I'd probably enjoy the company."
He caught her hand, and kissed it. Looking at her, he smiled the polite, impersonal smile she expected. "I understand, Chihiro. It's your choice after all. I promise to stay with you and love you forever."
With a smile that mirrors his, she said, "I love you too, and I promise I'll think about it more. It's important to both of us."
Then she leant across and kissed him. Warm, smokey and familiar.
Even though she knew they were both lying.
(Mou ichido ano toki no
futari ni modoreru no naraba
mayowazu ni kimi no koto
dakishime
hanasanai)
If we could go back to who we were then
without a second thought
I would take you in my arms and never let go
A/N: I wrote a weird, rambling, poorly described story about disenchanted wives (hint hint) again. Geez. For someone who prides themselves on their non-romantic humour capabilities, I sure do write a lot of sappy sob-stories.
And it was so out of character. And Takeshi was in it too much. I kept trying to bring in the rest of the Spirit World, thinking, the readers will get bored! I don't like this. I didn't even intend it to be a songfic, or so damn (for me) long. I kept accidentally writing in present tense all the time.
I need to improve so much.
Also, for certain reasons, I shouldn't be writing Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi fanfiction at all…
The song, Hitori, by Nakashima Mika, is good (listen to it) although it didn't really have anything to do with the story (sweatdrop). Recently, I read a Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi doujinshi (3) on the internet… it's good too… if you're interested it was at a site called Doujinshi Adoptions… They're short, but funny, and the art's cool too.
(1) People sweat. Why does this never happen in stories?
(2) This is really awful grammar (like most of this) but it sounded so odd when I wrote I must go in, so I changed it.
(3) Doujinshi is …err… Japanese fan comics.