Disclaimer: I shouldn't need to say it anymore, but it's becoming a bad habit. I don't own Naruto.


Back Alley Meeting

"He's too young for you!"

"So what! Love transcends age barriers!"

"I won't allow it!"

"May I remind you that I AM THE HOKAGE! Who are you to tell me whether I'm allowed to do something or not?"

"But Tsunade…" Jiraiya whined.

"No buts! The computer program showed that he was a very good match for me," Tsunade cut him off. She softened, staring off into the distance. "Maybe, after so long… Dan would be happy… I guess."

"No, no, no, no…" Jiraiya moaned, holding his head in his hands. It reminded her oddly of Naruto when he knew he was in trouble. She smirked slightly.

"Then again," she muttered thoughtfully. "There's no guarantee that Ibiki would find me attractive. He practically ran out of the Admin complex yesterday. Maybe he has someone else in mind…"

Jiraiya was nodding vigorously. "Yes, yes, I'm sure that's it. There must be plenty of other girls out there that would be much prettier, or younger, or better than you –" His eyes widened as he just realised what he said, and was met with a punch that shot him into the wall. "Oww…"

Tsunade shook her head grimly and snorted, "Idiot. Well, we'll see. If Ibiki doesn't seem to have anyone else in mind, and comes to see me, then I won't refuse him."

Jiraiya got up, and carefully nodded, holding out his hands to placate her, "Yes, yes… that's it. Wait for him to come to you. Don't go chasing after him – that's unwomanly." With that, he rushed out of her office before she had time to reply.

Tsunade permitted herself a small smile. Even after all this time, the old fool was still in love with her. That made him so easy to manipulate. She sighed and went back to the desk. Being Hokage sure was tough sometimes – but it was fun, too.

Ibiki looked around nervously as he took the back alleys instead of his normal route through Konoha Village. It was rare to find the Special Jounin in a mood other than darkly sober, but in this case, the circumstances justified it. At any moment now…

A hand clamped onto his shoulder, and he stiffened.

"Ibiki!" a voice boomed. Ibiki heaved a sigh of relief and turned around to face Gai. Normally, Maito Gai would be the last person he wanted to meet. However, as of yesterday, there were now two other people in whose company he would feel distinctly more uncomfortable. One would be sitting in her office, doing paperwork – he fervently hoped – but the other was still at large. Which was why Ibiki had bolted back to his apartment as fast as possible yesterday and barricaded himself in. Special Jounin or not, you didn't take unnecessary chances when there was the possibility of a Sannin out to get you.

"What are you doing, hanging around in the back alleys by yourself?" Gai inquired. "Shouldn't you be out there, pursuing the woman of your dreams?" Ibiki ground his teeth. Right now, all he wanted to do was to get back to the relative safety of his triple-barricaded, booby-trapped apartment. But a lack of foresight uncharacteristic of him had led to an empty kitchen, and so he had to risk this trip to get supplies for the next few days. Maybe the next few months. Or even a year. However long it took for Jiraiya's temper to cool off.

Ibiki realised that Gai was still waiting for his answer. "I'm just out to buy food. No women-chasing for me. That nonsense has caused me enough trouble already," he spat out. Gai raised the mountain of hair he had in place of an eyebrow. Apparently, he still didn't understand the deeper implications. "Do you have any idea what will happen to me if Jiraiya-sama finds out that computer matched me with the Godaime?"

"Oh," Gai muttered. He looked sheepish for a second. "Well, um… how would he find out? Heh heh, heh heh…" His voice trailed off.

Ibiki smelled a rat.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" he roared, grabbing the green-clothed man by the collar again.

"Uh, well… I was so pleased that my efforts have helped you find such a prestigious match that I… um… I may have mentioned it to my eternal rival Kakashi," Gai mumbled. Ibiki shook him harder. "And maybe a few other people… a dozen or so."

Snorting with disgust, Ibiki dumped the contrite man onto the alley floor. There was no helping it now. He was doomed. Whenever not on duty, the people of this village were notorious gossips. Maybe it was to make up for all the other secrets they were forced to keep. He wondered how long he had left to live. Not long, he was sure of it. What made it worse was that his death would never even be recorded. No monument for him, since he had died off-duty, probably in an "accident". At any moment now…

Another hand clamped onto his shoulder, and he stiffened.

"So, Ibiki… What's this I hear about you and Tsunade?" Jiraiya's voice inquired.

"It's all a big mistake," Ibiki said, and winced inwardly. Those were famous last words.

"You see, Ibiki? Nothing can stand in the way of true love!" Gai pronounced ecstatically. "Even Jiraiya-sama, the hidden romantic that he is, has volunteered to help you in your quest for true love – provided it is not Hokage-sama, of course." Ibiki heaved another sigh as Gai continued to prattle on. He still had mixed feelings over that encounter in the alleyway. On the one hand, he was profoundly grateful for the unexpected benefit of being able to keep his life, and having a reason to avoid Hokage-sama. On the other hand, knowing Jiraiya-sama's reputation with women, he wasn't sure if he wanted the help. Then again, refusal would have been tantamount to suicide. When it came down to a matter of life or death, Ibiki found the choice pretty easy.

Which was why he was now heading towards the house of the second kunoichi on the list that Izumo and Kotetsu had so graciously provided, accompanied by his self-appointed matchmaker. Kimawabe Aoi was supposed to be an 86 match for him. She was a newly-promoted Jounin, specializing in surgical extraction of information, had an excellent record, and was only about 2 years younger than him.

And she lived in a pretty, coral-pink house with lavender curtains, statuary, and a garden of flowers out in front.

Oh well. 86 was 86, after all. He couldn't expect her to share all of his tastes. Though he did wonder how such a woman existed in a village full of hardened assassins. He and Gai walked up the main path to the front entrance, and knocked lightly on the door.

A beautiful woman opened it. She had large, pale-brown eyes, delicate features, and a wavy rope of blonde hair falling to her shoulders. Her poise and grace were remarkable, and an air of fine breeding surrounded her like a cloud. In fact, she matched his mental picture of the owner of this house perfectly.

"Yes?" she asked, in a smooth, cultured voice. Ibiki was struck slightly mute at the novelty of the situation, but started to recover, and was about to reply when a blond terror jumped the hedge surrounding the garden.

"Hey, Ibiki!" Naruto yelled. "Jiraiya sent me to find out what sort of woman you prefer. He said to give you a range of choices, so… here: Kage Bushin no Jutsu! Henge-no-Jutsu!" With that, the young ninja multiplied himself several times over, and then transformed into a dizzying variety of girls in all shapes and sizes.

An interesting thing to note was that they were all naked, and in provocative poses.

Several events happened at the same time. First, Gai keeled over from loss of blood. Second, Ibiki could feel his eyes widening beyond his control. Third, the lady of the house took one look at Naruto, sniffed in disgust, and slammed the door shut.

He should have just asked to be killed quickly back in the alley.