Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and he doesn't own me. Well, not that we ever fought, but still...

Help From LEP

After he had disposed of Naruto, Ibiki trudged on, muttering curses under his breath. Gai, with several tissues stuck up his nose, was walking alongside him, unusually silent. It was probably wooziness due to the massive haemorrhaging he had just experienced. It was already past noon, and the sun was blisteringly hot. Ibiki looked at the next address on the list.

Kamiashi Rin. High-level Chuunin, medical specialist. Liked slicing up people. Had an obsession with Chinese dragon mythology, though. An 80 match. She lived in a high-rise apartment complex, the highest room in the tallest tower. So Ibiki walked through the scorching deserted plaza, up through the freezing air-conditioned apartment staircase, fought through the series of dragon-shaped booby-traps, reached the highest room in the tallest tower, only to find…

Kakashi, the son of the White Fang of Konoha, reading his perverted book on the bed.

"Where's the kunoichi who's supposed to own this apartment – Kamiashi Rin?" Ibiki demanded. Kakashi looked up from the page he was reading.

"Oh, you didn't know?" he inquired. "She's on her honeymoon. Just left today."

"WHAT!" Gai bounded in from the entrance. "Kakashi! My eternal rival! Why are you in this lady's apartment?"

Kakashi quirked a smile and a raised eyebrow, "I could ask you the same thing…" he murmured. "But anyway, she's one of my former teammates. Asked me to take care of the place while she was away." Ibiki groaned. This was getting more and more ridiculous. First, that matchmaker program had given him Tsunade of all people, as his first match, and now, a newlywed. He was going to have serious words with the Admin-nin after this was all over.

Ibiki stared down at the last name on the list. This was it. His only hope left. If he did not manage to get a date with this kunoichi, he would either have to pursue Tsunade – which would get him killed by Jiraiya – or go after someone that the perverted Sannin and his cohorts had picked. He didn't know which was worse.

"Today, our competition shall be the race to find Mizushawa Seina!" Gai proclaimed. He and Kakashi had decided to tag along, since the masked Jounin said he needed to go over to Gai's house afterwards "to discuss something with Anko". Ibiki wasn't sure whether he wanted to know the details. He had enough trouble on his hands already.

"All right," Kakashi replied Gai lazily. "On the count of three: One, two, three." Gai took off like a shot into the distance, while the masked man just carried on walking normally. Ibiki shook his head at the foolishness of their antics and concentrated on figuring out a method of introducing himself that wouldn't scare her off. He only had one shot left at this – he had to get it right the first time.

Kakashi sidled up close to him. "You know," he murmured quietly. "I know a couple of methods that would make the first meeting go much easier."

Ibiki was intrigued. "Interesting," he rumbled. "What sort of techniques do you suggest?"

Kakashi tapped the Sharingan eye covered by his forehead protector and smirked. "All I need is one good look at her, and she'll be trapped in my genjutsu. And Sharingan-based genjutsu are a lot more difficult to get out of than regular ones. Want to make her believe she's about to take a shower in front of you? Or that she's loved you all her life, and can't wait to consummate the relationship?"

Ibiki scowled. "I don't like jokes like that, Hatake."

"Oh, it's no joke. I can prove it quite easily. Jiraiya-sama once told me about a time Uchiha Itachi managed to get him away from Naruto using a girl under genjutsu -"

"That's not what I meant," Ibiki cut him off sourly. "Just forget you ever mentioned it to me."

"As you wish," Kakashi smiled secretly under his mask. Baiting Ibiki was almost as fun as tricking Gai. The fact that he had been "ordered" by Jiraiya to help Ibiki as much as possible only added to the satisfaction he was feeling. He continued to enjoy the day as they strolled towards the apartment where Mizushiwa Seina stayed.

Gai was waiting for them at the entrance, panting slightly, but when they arrived he straightened and laughed loudly, pointing at Kakashi. "Ha! I beat you, my eternal rival! This makes it 502 to 500!"

"Whatever."

"Ugh, I hate you, Kakashi… you're so cool about this it really makes me mad!"

"Hmm… did you say something?"

"Both of you, cut it out," Ibiki's voice interrupted the oft-heard conversation. "Look, from now on, I don't want any advice," he shot a glare at Gai, before turning to Kakashi, "nor do I want extra help. I will handle this on my own. You two keep quiet at all times. That's an order."

"But –" Gai started to protest.

"No buts! I've already been made the laughing-stock of half the village. I don't need your antics to increase that number."

Gai subsided, and Kakashi just nodded indifferently. Ibiki strode down the corridor to the apartment door, braced himself, and then knocked.

A rather nondescript young woman opened the door – brown hair, pale brown eyes, regular features. She was a spy's dream come true – the ultimate unnoticed person in the background. "Yes?" she asked, in a soft voice.

Ibiki cleared his throat. "My name is Morino Ibiki. I know it's rather sudden, but…" he was interrupted by Gai tapping his shoulder. Ibiki shot Gai a glare that would have frozen a supernova. Completely unfazed by it, Gai pointed to where Konohamaru, the grandson of the Third Hokage, was climbing up the stairs with a number of scantily-dressed females.

"Hey Ibiki!" he waved. "Took me some time to find you, but what do you think of these girls, eh? Anyone of them interest you?" The girls around him all cooed and giggled, throwing kisses at Ibiki, or wrapping themselves around Konohamaru. Gai's eyes were bulging, and Kakashi was paying very close attention, for once.

Ibiki's ruminations on the probable fate of the young man before him – grandson to the Sandaime or not – were rudely interrupted by the soft closing and locking of the door of Seina's apartment.

"Wait, Seina-san!" he cried. "I can explain this!"

"No thank you," the answer came back firmly. "I saw the posters outside my apartment yesterday. You have some very interesting tastes, Morino Ibiki, but I'm afraid I don't share them."

No matter how much Ibiki continued to plead, or try to explain, she refused to open the door to him. Finally, he gave up and retreated down the stairwell, accompanied by Kakashi, Gai and Konohamaru – who had been given one of Gai's patented lectures on the vices of the shinobi. Even Ibiki couldn't come up with a punishment that would be more fitting for the young ninja, so he didn't bother. He took stock of his new situation, and realised something. Strangely, all the women had disappeared without Ibiki noticing.

"Where did all those women go?" he asked.

Konohamaru brightened, and then bit his thumb. "You want them back? I can get them back easily for you, watch: Kuchiyose-no-Jutsu!" With that, he ran his bloody thumb down a scroll and activated it. Instantly, the dozen scantily-clad ladies appeared in clouds of smoke. His chest puffed out proudly. "It took me two years to climb up to the most famous brothel in all the countries and get them to agree to the summoning. Behold the results!" He waved a hand lazily at the girls who were now busy cooing over him.

Ibiki couldn't believe his senses. What sort of IDIOT develops a summoning technique for prostitutes?