Interlude: All is Flux

The first thing I remember was pain, right around my middle back. Then, in my neck. My eyes slowly opened to the sight of dried blood on my vanity. The cut on my hand had clotted, probably not long after I fell asleep.

The pain jolted me awake; I sat up too fast and my neck spasmed. The throbbing in my head came next. Somehow I felt worse than I did the previous morning after my binge drinking.

I gently stretched my spine out, then set about rotating my neck in long, slow circles. That eased the spasms, but made the throbbing worse. I was either going to need some ibuprofen or some whiskey. Since my demon of a mother was probably home, that limited my options a bit.

I found the painkillers in my purse and swallowed them dry. I didn't have anything to drink and I wasn't interested in running into the witch. After cleaning up some of the mess I'd made—and feeling foolish for losing my shit so badly—I snuck into the bathroom as quietly as I could.

The hot water was a balm against my aching neck muscles. I set the jets to dig deep, and they performed all the wonders of a skilled masseuse. I pondered my shower from the other night, the one that ended with a visit from Cat. Thinking of her brought a smile to my face, the sort of wistful daydreamy grin that would probably make me sick to my stomach if I saw someone else wearing it.

My mother's words quickly ruined the little bit of happiness those thoughts brought me.

Homeless. She said I'd be homeless. Cut off completely.

What kind of woman could say that to her daughter?

I'd lost myself to blinding rage the night before, but this morning the rage gave way to a tortuous weight in my chest; an awful ache with which I had become intimately familiar over the years. The woman hated me. The feeling was mutual.

The worst part was that I had reached out to her. I gave her the chance to be a mother. I wanted her honest advice. And she laughed at me and then threatened me with those horrific things. And I bet she had absolutely no trouble at all getting to sleep either.

I swore on my own life I'd never have my own kids. I'd never inflict this kind of horrible neurosis on anyone else.

I abandoned the shower and quickly retreated to my room. I found a text from Cat waiting for me, and suddenly my smile was back.

Remember we're going to Tori's today to practice!

I had actually almost forgotten, given how my night had ended. I didn't even want to let the spiteful harpy know I was going over there; I was sure I'd get the third degree. I regretted even trying to talk to her the night before. If I had enough sense to shut my mouth about it, maybe I could have gotten away with keeping things quiet. But no, I had to try and bond with the psycho. Now she'd be breathing down my neck any time Cat came over or anytime I went over there.

The bottom line, and the question that still dogged me after three days, was: what the hell were we? I mean, we exchanged orgasms. And we hung out on the pier, but we did that all the time. It wasn't exactly unusual. Cat tried to bring it up the previous evening but…well, we got a little distracted and never really found our answers.

And what if she did want to be more? What if I did? What if we both did? Was I willing to let my mother kick me out of the house? Cut me off? Just to be with Cat?

Maybe I just needed some alone time. Beck and I had been dating more or less since our eighth grade year. That's a fairly long time; like a quarter and change of our entire life experience. Maybe I needed to figure out who Jade West really was and what she wanted. I mean, who knew what the future would hold? Anything was possible now that I knew I was open to certain other possibilities.

These thoughts occupied me until almost lunch time. I waited for my mother to go on her walk and then decided to sneak out and grab something to eat on my way to Vega's.

"Oh…hi, Jade."

Despite my persistent headache, I saw right through Tori's polite smile. It was a weird sort of dance we did, pretending we didn't dislike each other. Well…she pretended we didn't dislike each other. Or more specifically, she pretended I didn't dislike her.

Still…there was a bit of comfort in that stability. I wasn't used to such consistent behavior. In my sappier moments, I was almost grateful for it. Almost.

Of course, I'd never tell Vega that.

"I know I'm early. I hope that's not okay."

Did she stifle a laugh? "It's fine, come in. I'm just working on—"

"I don't care."

I followed her to that weird, oversized couch in the living room and put my food down. I wondered where the hell that thing even came from. It was garish and entirely impractical., especially if you were one of the saps who were stuck sitting in between two or three other people. Just because they lived in the Hills didn't mean they needed overpriced, ridiculous furniture that was more trendy than functional.

I sat down on the side of the couch closest to the door and put my feet up, unwrapping my burger. Some days, I ate salads. Some days, I ate meat. Today was a meat day.

Tori trudged back to the dining room, where I assume she was sitting before I showed up. She seemed off. Her shoulders were slumped. She was tense.

"Normally it bothers you when I cut you off and refuse to care." I was absolutely trying to bait her. I can't even tell you why. It was just reflex.

"I'm not in the mood for the mind games," she huffed. "This is really stressful."

"Why? You've written songs before."

"With Andre, usually. And never completely out of the blue like this. Just off the cuff, no prep work? Ugh. I prepare. I plan. It's what I do. It's who I am."

"And you got stuck with the worst possible act. Gee, it's almost like someone knew what they were doing when they switched everything around."

"Tell me about it."

I zeroed in on Vega; on her body language, her eyes, any little twitches. Whatever happened, it really wasn't her fault. Damn it, anyway.

"Did Trina ever own up to it?"

"No," Tori whined. "It doesn't really matter at this point, does it? We'll make it work. Or not."

She rose from her seat and trudged to the couch, then collapsed in a heap. The corners of my mouth twitched. Part of me wanted to smile at her frustration. Vega wasn't used to struggling so much. She fell ass backwards into Hollywood Arts and she often landed lead roles or performances just based on her looks or who she was. I admit, it brought me a perverse sense of pleasure anytime I saw her fighting through something like this.

When her phone went off, however, her entire demeanor changed. Her cheeks lit up. Her shoulders squared. She got the silliest, sappiest smile I'd ever seen. I winced.

"Oh, Chrysler. That's gross."

Tori ignored me until she finished typing a response. "What's gross?" She didn't even look at me.

"That look. Since when did you get a boyfriend?"

She cocked an eyebrow and gave me her best spoiled princess face as if to wonder how dare I ask such a question. "There is no way I'm discussing my love life with you. That's the one thing I've got going for me right now and I'm not about to let you rain all over it."

"Oh, relax," I said, smarting from the nastiness implied in her words. "I've got my own love life to worry about. I don't have time to care about yours. Or not care about it."

I should have known that was the wrong thing to say. Tori's spoiled princess face melted into a friendly look of concern that put me in the same camp as her actual friends.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have assumed the worst."

No, you shouldn't have.

I shrugged it off. "Forget it," I said. "I've given you plenty of reasons to assume the worst about me."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I'd rather be lobotomized with a rusty, spiked dildo."

For a moment, the half-Latina looked more like a pasty irishman. "Wow. That was so unnecessary."

I shrugged. "And?"

"Is it Beck? I know you guys broke up—"

I glared at Vega. "Rusty. With spikes."

She huffed. "Fine, point taken."

For some reason I couldn't begin to fathom, her response made me chuckle. Then giggle. She looked at me as though I were crazy.

"Did you…did you do that on purpose?" I asked.

"What?" Tori was snickering now, too. It was tentative, as if she were expecting some other shoe to drop.

"Point taken. Spiked dildo. Was that supposed to be a joke?"

"Oh…! Oh, gosh, no!" She seemed to get the joke now, and was a bit more free about laughing.

It was stupid. Absurd. But at that moment, it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. And it came from Vega, of all people.

We laughed together, until we forgot what we were laughing about. Then, we kept laughing. It didn't even stop when the doorbell went off. Tori struggled to her feet and wiped her eyes.

"I needed that," she chuckled.

"Me too."

We shared a look, and it was, somehow, not revolting. In fact, it felt genuine. Authentic.

Friendly.

Ew. Gross.

The doorbell rang again, and suddenly, the awkwardness of the moment sank into my very bones. "Better get that. Could be someone who actually likes you."

Tori's smile faded just a bit. "Oh, if only someone really did," she muttered as she threw the door open.

"Hiiiii!"

Cat stood outside. And next to her…

"Look, I brought Sam!"

Cat grabbed her roommate's hand and raised it high, as if there might be some confusion as to which one of them was Sam.

"I was told there would be chicken," the blonde dead-panned, looking expectantly at Tori..

Oh.

Sam.

That's great.

Tori glanced at Cat, then me. "Oh…um. There may be some nuggets in the–"

Sam pushed by her and made a b-line straight for the fridge. By then, I was on my feet. I approached Cat as Tori ushered her in the rest of the way and closed the door. Cat seemed ready to hug me, but thought the better of it.

"Hi!" she said cheerfully.

"Hey. What's with Puckett?"

"Puckell."

"Who?"

"I thought maybe she could help me finish the scene. I always feel safe around her."

I figured I would need my poker face today, but Cat's words almost brought it down. She needed Sam to feel safe? Safe?

"What do you mean?" I asked, doing my best to sound like I was anything but hurt. "I don't make you feel safe?"

"Well sure," Cat said. "All my friends do, but…I don't know. It's different with Sam. Anyway, I'm ready to try the scene."

Cat gave my hand a subtle squeeze as she slipped past me. I turned to find Sam already waiting for the microwave. The sight of her made my stomach flip, but not in a good way. Her hair was down, and she wore a snug t-shirt and some black tights under a snug pair of jean shorts. She looked great, which just made me even more self-conscious.

I always feel safe around her.

Ouch. Why did that comment hit me so damn hard?

Cat hurried into the kitchen and grabbed Sam's free hand as she poured hot sauce over the bowl of chicken nuggets she'd made.

"Come on, Sam! Let's try it!"

"Hey, hey, watch the chicken!"

She dragged the blond over to the couch and sat next to her, then smiled at me and smacked the cushion next to her. She didn't say anything but she didn't need to.

This was going to be a weird day.

Something seems off about this.

Cat had situated herself between Sam and me. We made plenty of eye contact; her smiles gave me butterflies. A few times, she caught herself reaching for my hand and then retreating, knowing that we hadn't discussed anything yet.

But I also noticed her body language with Sam. Even when she first sat down, she leaned more towards Sam. Throughout the movie, she kept her body more open toward Sam. It was unconscious on her part, I think. Instinctual. But that simple fact said quite a bit.

As we approached the scene, Cat turned from the screen, burying her face in Sam's shoulder. The sight made me so upset; like I was stabbed in the back and kicked in the giblets all at once.

Tori managed to distract me for a few minutes when Andre started harping at her about her love life; apparently she hadn't been listening to him and got all dreamy-eyed on him. That was twice in one day. Must have been pretty serious. I took Andre's comments as a sign to join in. I reminded her of that idiot Rider, and everyone else rattled off the name of one of Vega's disastrous boyfriends. Then her sister interrupted with a phone call.

"She needs my help," Tori said.

I'd never seen such genuine concern in her eyes before. I couldn't stand either of them, but the look on her face suggested something more serious was going on.

Of course, I wasn't about to be the voice of reason. Not directly. "She needs professional help," I groused. Vega glanced at me, but her fury died when our eyes met.

Shit, so much for my poker face.

"What? Go help her already. Quit gawking, weirdo."

"She's in the driveway. I'll be right back."

"Yeah, thanks for the warning."

Tori rushed out the door. I watched her go, then tried to focus on the movie. Cat was already covering her eyes again. She kept burying her face in Sam's shoulder, but Sam was unmoved. Even I'd have lifted my arm or something.

Sam hated physical contact as much as I did, but Cat was often an exception to that rule. Having experienced Cat's friendly touches and her more intimate, romantic touches, something slowly dawned on me.

Cat had mentioned there was one girl she was possibly interested in when we talked that first night. At first, perhaps in my half-drunken state, I thought she met me. Especially given what happened right after. But maybe she hadn't. Maybe she had meant…

"I don't wanna see this," Cat whined. She turned and buried her face in Sam's shoulder. The pang of jealousy that shot through me was profound.

"Cat, come on. This is almost the part."

"I can't!"

"But you know what happens. We acted it out!"

Cat slowly lifted her head. "That was different. It was you and me! I knew you wouldn't hurt me. But this…" She looked at the screen, then turned away, burying her face in Sam's shoulder once again.

Anyone looking at my face would have seen absolutely nothing wrong. Not a hair out of place. Not a missed breath.

If you'd have looked at my hands, you'd have seen my nails digging into the skin of my palms.

"Look, if we have to, I'll call my cousin who used to interrogate people for the army. He's got those little wire things that hold your eyes open."

Cat's brow furrowed and she looked genuinely terrified. My heart was a rock in my chest.

"Jeez. Why are you being so mean?"

Sam chuckled. "You've met her before, right? Mean's kind of her thing."

Cat huffed. "Yeah, but not since…um…"

She looked at me in a panic. My gut reaction was to glare at her, which probably made her feel worse.

"Not since what?" Sam asked.

Cat huffed again. "Nothing, why are you being so nosy?"

"I promise, I couldn't care less."

"I don't need to see it. Right? Sam, you know I don't."

The blond grunted. "You dragged me over here, don't make me participate. Listen to Jade, she's the expert, I assume."

"Dang it."

I appreciated the affirmation, but before I could capitalize on that, Sam shifted; she raised her left arm and rested it on the back of the couch, behind Cat. "Okay, look. Remember last Halloween when you thought you used magic to turn Dice into a monkey?"

If it were possible, Cat's cheeks turned redder. "That doesn't sound like me."

"Are you sure about that? Oh, Sam, I turned Dice into a monkey! Oh, Sam, the creepy doll that weirdo left us carved a pumpkin!"

Cat's hand shot out and covered Sam's mouth. "Shh! Don't mention her!"

Sam gently removed Cat's hand from her face. "My point is, none of that was real. You lived through it, and it wasn't real. Just weird coincidences. But at the time, it was scarier than this because you didn't know the outcome, right?"

"I guess."

"Well here, you know. You've read it, you've acted it out. So how can it be all that scary?"

"But it's so gross!"

"Makeup. Didn't you tell me you once turned Tori into a zombie? I bet if you look closely you can probably figure out what they used to make that Tawny chick look like that. You may want to do this for a living some day, right? So be professional, see if you can figure it out."

Cat's eyes twinkled with an epiphany she had never considered. Mine did too; how had I never thought of that? I was the film nut. How had I never drawn that simple comparison that was right in front of me the entire time?

Cat turned back to me. "Okay. I think I'm ready now."

I wasn't.

I hit the play button and settled in, surprised and relieved that Cat managed to stomach the gory scene. As Sam suggested, she even tried to work out what sort of makeup, fake blood, latex, and other things might have been used. Knowing the movie as well as I did, I was impressed by her guesses.

But those moments, while something of a victory for Cat, also made me realize something: Cat was almost certainly in love with Sam.

It seemed a big leap, but Cat declared it in every moment of her time with Sam. The way she leaned on her, spoke to her, looked at her, touched her. She did those things with me too, but there was more behind it with Sam.

I doubted even Cat realized it yet. This entire thing was new to her. But as much as it killed me, I didn't want to be the one to stand in the way when she figured it out. It was the right thing to do.

So why did it feel like I ripped out my own heart and stomped all over it?

I stood alone outside. It was nearly evening and we were still at it. Tori and Trina had come back a while ago. Trina apologized for borking our acts. While she didn't stick around to practice, we did manage to make some progress. Cat watched the scene half a dozen times and we pulled off three solid performances. Afterwards, she worked with Beck on the musical number. I took the opportunity to disappear, choosing to sit alone on the Vega's patio. They had a ridiculous view of the city from here, and I hoped the view—or the solitude, maybe—would help inspire me to get started on the stupid soliloquy I had to write.

After an hour, my pen remained in its cap, my notebook untouched, and my mind frustrated beyond belief. It was that moment, of course, that Cat chose to emerge.

"Hey, Jade. Whatcha doing?" Her smile and eyes were so bright, it was disconcerting.

"Nothing," I grumbled. "Trying to write this stupid soliloquy. How's the song going?"

"Pretty good, actually. Beck has to sing it in a lower key, but Tori talked him into wearing my dress for it."

I rolled my eyes. "Any chance to get Beck into a dress."

Cat giggled. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that time he wore that one and did Tori's stunt." She giggled again, then sat in the chair next to me. "I miss you in there."

I tried shrugging off the pain that lanced through my chest at those words. I tried keeping my poker face up. But Cat's brow furrowed in concern and I knew it was cracking.

"What's wrong?"

Damn it. What was I supposed to say? I wasn't ready to do this now. Hell, I wasn't ready for any of this. I hadn't been ready to break up with Beck, I hadn't been ready for what happened with Cat the other night, I hadn't been ready to feel what I was feeling, or for my mother to flip her shit and threaten to throw me out and cut me off or to realize that Cat was, in all probability, in love with Sam.

I was out of control. Or I guess more accurately, I wasn't in control of anything. It had all hit me so fast, I hadn't even really processed the breakup before this thing with Cat happened. The emotions and sensations of that were incredible and made me feel closer to her than almost anyone else. To the point where I had honestly considered for however short a time to tell my mother to go to hell and asked Cat if she wanted to be…with me.

But it would end badly. Maybe she'd be all for it, but I knew—absolutely knew—she was in love with Sam. She declared it in every look, every touch. And that was great. I was happy for her. But if I told her that, would she accept it? Or did she have to come to it on her own, like with most other things?

Might as well throw my mother under this bus, I thought. It's kind of on her anyway.

"Jade, you're worrying me."

Here we go. Another huge change. I hate all this. This is why I shouldn't get close to people.

"I, uh…I made the mistake of telling my mom about me."

"Oh. What did you tell her about you?"

Her question was so innocent, it killed me. "About me being…well, whatever I am. Bi, I guess. I didn't tell her about you and me, just that I thought I was interested in girls."

Cat nodded. She was with me so far. "What did she say?"

I took a deep breath. "It wasn't good. She threatened to kick me out and cut me off, financially."

Cat connected the dots; she blinked, her eyes kind of moved back and forth, her lips mouthed words I couldn't hear. When she realized what I was saying, her shoulders slumped and her pretty lips turned downward. "Oh," she said. "Well that's not good."

"I know. And it's at such a bad time. I mean, I'm eighteen now, once I graduate she's got no more legal obligations toward me."

Cat slid her chair closer to me. She took my hand and squeezed it. "I'd never want those awful things to happen to you," she said gently. "If that means we can't…you know. I mean, it'll make me sad, but knowing you're safe and have a place to live will make me happy. Maybe that will cancel out some of the sad."

My heart both broke and swelled with that. I wanted to be honest, to tell her it was for her own good anyway, that she'd realize her feelings for Sam soon enough and maybe then she'd be able to be with someone who isn't such a miserable, cynical ass. Okay, Sam was a cynical ass too, but less so than me. And she wasn't miserable, not like I was.

"You're the sweetest, most amazing person in the world," I said, gently squeezing Cat's hands back. "You really are."

Cat's cheeks lit up and a sweet smile broke her through the sadness on her face. "Oh, stop it," she said. "But…what does this make us now? I've been so confused."

"You and me both." I wrinkled my nose at her. "I think it makes us best friends. I think it makes us more than that, even."

"Besties and then some," Cat said whimsically. "I like that." She was instantly lost in thought for a moment. "Does it make us sisters?"

I chuckled. "Don't push it. Sisters don't do the things we did."

Cat giggled, but when the realization set in, she was promptly disgusted. "Ew. Gross, Jade!"

"Maybe when things settle down we can revisit that question."

Her expressive eyes darkened with sadness once more. "But I liked being able to hug you without getting yelled at."

My heart was melting into a gooey puddle. I slowly stood, and pulled Cat to her feet as well. I hated myself for putting her through this. For putting myself through it. But it was for the best. I was almost sure of it. Kind of.

"Come here, already," I said, and pulled Cat into the tightest, warmest embrace I could muster. Her thin arms wrapped around my neck and pulled me close, pressing my breasts into hers and sending my heart rate through the ceiling.

"Thank you, Jade," she whispered. "I'll miss this."

I will too.

"Tell you what. So long as there aren't a ton of people around, anytime you want one of these, come get one. Anytime. No yelling. I promise." I quickly added, "Though if I give you the look, it means wait til later, okay?"

She pulled back just enough to look me in the eye, as if making sure I wasn't kidding.

"You mean it?"

"Of course."

"Yay!"

She squeezed me again and I felt her lips press into my cheek. My body shook; I wanted nothing more than for her to keep kissing me: my lips, my neck, lower…

Down, girl.

"Do you think…maybe someday, when you've moved away from home, we could…I mean do you think it's possible we could…?"

I smiled gently. "Maybe someday we'll have another chance. Sure."

"If we do…I mean, who knows where we'll be in ten or twelve or twenty years…but I hope we can take it."

She hugged me one more time, then turned, finally releasing my hand after a long, slow moment. With one final glance and a hopeful smile still hiding her sadness, Cat vanished back into Tori's kitchen.

I turned from the house and sank into the chair she'd been in. The scent of her perfume lingered on it. I fought the lump in my throat, but it was no use. The tears hit hard. Within them was all the pain, frustration, and anger I felt for my mother; all the love and affection I felt for Cat; all the confusion I felt for Beck…

"Hey. Need a friendly ear?"

Beck.

I rose quickly, wiping my eyes, making sure he didn't see them. "No. I'm fine. Thanks."

He was behind me before I knew what was happening. He didn't touch me–he knew better–but he made sure I felt his presence.

"Fine," he said gently. "No talking, then. But I can see you're hurting over something and I want you to know that I'm here. I'm—"

I turned and fell into his arms, clutched him tightly, and let the tears flow. And there, in his arms, for the first time in weeks, I felt some degree of safety.

Maybe I never should have left…

I spent most of the next week locked up in my room, working out my demons through my soliloquy. For those who don't know, that's basically a monologue where a character is talking to themselves for the benefit of the audience. Kind of like an exposition dump that clues you into all the things going on in their mind, since generally, in a stage production, you can't get inside of their heads with things like camera angles or slow dolly shots or any of the other tricks filmmakers use to communicate. For the most part, you'd think someone was crazy for busting out into a monologue like this in a film (and certainly in real life). But on stage, it's part of the unique relationship the characters have with the audience and the non-existent fourth wall.

I had a lot of demons to work through. My mother. Beck. Cat. Being bi. The school year ending. High school ending. An uncertain future. All very heavy, dark stuff. And it inspired some…interesting imagery. I wondered as I wrote if I'd emotionally scar anyone in the audience. One could only hope.

And yes, I did include Beck in my demons. I had avoided him since the rehearsal. He caught me at a vulnerable moment and my walls came down. I gave in. And I knew if I saw him that week outside of school, I'd give in again. Same with Cat; I avoided her, too. We talked at school, but beyond that I tried to put some distance between us. I needed to focus and threw myself into my writing and rehearsing.

I avoided my mother, too. I always tried to, but the few times she actually made dinner for both of us, I ignored her texts and didn't have a single bite of anything she made. She didn't care to actually check on me and make sure I wasn't dead or abducted. I guess she figured she'd hear about it from somewhere else if that were the case.

The time away helped my mind and heart recharge and heal a bit. The pressure of these days was still intense, with finals at school and the potential payoff of winning the showcase always looming. The inevitable end of my time at Hollywood Arts weighed heavily on me. Parting ways with acquaintances whom I'd tried to tolerate for so many years. It was a lot to handle.

The day of the showcase dawned pleasant enough. I woke up, showered, waited for my mom to leave on her morning run before making breakfast…same routine I had all week. Except this time, I didn't make it back to my room before she got back. In fact, she appeared so quickly after I started frying up my eggs, I suspected she hadn't actually left.

I was genuinely speechless when I sensed her approach. Shit. Seriously?

"Today's your showcase thing?" Her tone was icy, more so than usual.

"Yep."

Tense silence followed. "I wasn't entirely sure, since you've made it your purpose in life to avoid me."

Her tone was sharp, but there was something in it I didn't quite recognize. "The date hasn't changed since I told you the first time. Why do you care?"

She stared at me in that icy silence for a moment. Then, to my shock, her eyes lowered. Looked to the floor. Her head followed. She turned away. I'd never seen her in that posture; it was always looking down her nose at me.

"Good luck," she huffed and stormed off. I expected her to come back and yell, maybe run me into the ground, but no. The door slammed and I didn't see her again that day.

Small favors, right? Still, something felt off about it.

I was usually pretty good at keeping cool in tense situations. Or giving the appearance of keeping cool. While everyone else ran around the green room, trying to get in last minute rehearsals–whether another practice run for Beck's song or someone to hold the gloves for Robbie's martial arts–I sat alone in a corner, facing the wall, symbolically and physically turning my back to the chaos so I could focus.

Once I felt at least partially centered, I decided to grab a bottle of water from the mini fridge. As luck, or fate, or plain old irony would have it, that was the moment an intruder chose to try and sneak a glimpse through the door. No one else noticed it; everyone was too wrapped up in the chaos of the moment and their own concerns. But I saw long blond hair and a pale face with indistinguishable features peering around the slightly open door.

I knew it wasn't part of the event staff or the facilitators of the showcase; we had met all of them already and none of them looked like this.

I observed the observer for a few moments; when she withdrew, I followed quickly. I caught her in the hallway, rounding a bend, heading for the audience seats. I stalked her in silence, not making a sound, not giving her any reason to change her course or speed up. I'd seen enough horror movies to know how the monster–human or otherwise–stalks its prey. I was silent as Tawny Walker Black in The Scissoring.

It was only when the intruder was about to enter the arena itself that I let her know I was behind her.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

She turned, startled. I wonder if this is how Tawny feels? Just the part where she successfully stalks her prey, not the actual stabby stab, murdery part. Although when I saw the startled face, it's possible that thought crossed my mind as well.

Tara Ganz.

"Oh god," she whispered.

I stormed toward her, hands balling into fists. "Yeah, tell him I said hi when you meet him."

Tara backed away a few steps and ducked into a side maintenance hallway. Damn it. Should have held off on the reveal.

I rounded the same corridor and to my surprise found Tara waiting for me about halfway to the next door. She lifted her arms as if to show me she was complying with some unspoken demand.

"I don't want any trouble," she said.

"Should have thought about that before you showed up here," I growled. "What were you trying to do, sabotage us?"

Her arms slowly lowered. "No. I just wanted to see…someone."

I stepped closer, jaw locked. "Uh-huh. Look, Beck may be single now, but that doesn't mean he'll go for Northridge trash."

The remark hurt; I could see the pain flash across her eyes. "I wasn't looking for Beck." She folded her arms across her chest. Her voice lowered. "I was looking for Tori."

What? Vega?

"Why were you looking for her? Trying to get inside her head? Screw up her performance?"

Tara shook her head. "No. That's not it, I promise. I just…" She sighed nervously. I got the sense that she wanted to share something but couldn't. Or wouldn't. "I, uh…I hurt her. Pretty badly, in fact. And I just…wanted to make sure she was okay. I didn't want her to see me, that would make it worse. I just wanted to know. For my own sake. That probably doesn't make sense."

"No, it doesn't," I said impatiently. "You act like you two were…"

Dating.

Oh, chrysler.

Oh, Jerry Chrysler.

The epiphany hit me like a car battery from above. As the realization sunk into my own eyes, Tara nodded. She knew I figured it out and she didn't deny it.

"She helped me through a really tough situation," she said. "And I took advantage of her and I hurt her so badly in ways she didn't deserve. I hate myself for it, and I'll never be able to forgive myself. She means so much to me. But I ruined it."

Vega and Tara… Vega and Tara… what the actual hell…

My brain couldn't accept it. My morbidly curious side was desperate for answers. How did that even happen? What did Tara do to screw it up? Did they…?

Judging from the pain Tara was hiding, I could guess the answer to that part at least. They almost certainly did. The idea blew my mind. Was Vega like me? Was this some experiment for her? It seemed like she and Tara may have had pretty strong feelings for each other.

Vega and Tara… Vega and Tara… How the holy frick did that even happen?

"I'm sure she had it coming," I said, trying to recover a bit of control in this situation. I was really tired of getting blindsided by this shit. My own sexuality, Cat's coming out, and now…this? Vega, too? No way. There was no way.

"She didn't, Jade. I was awful. What I did is worse than anything anyone else has done to her. Even you."

I cocked my eyebrow, irritated at the affront on my dignity. "Hey, now. Is that a challenge?"

Tara shook her head. "No. I'm sorry. I wish I could tell her, but if she knew I was here it would make her even more of a mess, I think."

"So you're the reason she came back all weird last weekend? Great. Thanks for that."

"I know, I know. I deserve all your hate and ridicule. But she doesn't. She's…she's so sweet. She's the best person I know. I wish I could tell her that. But she won't hear it. She won't ever talk to me again. And I deserve it." Tara wiped the tears in her eyes and the last of my rage faded into memory. This chick was hurting in a way no one should have to hurt.

God, I hate empathizing with someone I hate.

"Well don't cry about it, jeez," I said. "Relax, I won't tell her I saw you. Like, ever."

"You mean that?"

"I said it, didn't I? Of course I mean it." The edge returned to my voice for a moment. She jumped. "Just…go on. Go wherever you were going."

She wiped her eyes once more. "Thanks."

She walked by me in an obvious hurry, as if I might reach out and grab her. I smiled at that. "Just don't let her see you. If you screw up our chances today, I won't be so nice next time."

She nodded and sped up, disappearing out of the maintenance hallway.

"Look, I don't usually do this, but I want to tell you teenagers something," Sikowitz said in the moments after we were called to the stage. "I've taught for a long time and I've seen a lot of talent come and go. But you all...it's been the greatest pleasure of my career watching you grow into the incredible creators and performers I see before me. No matter what happens today, no matter who wins the showcase, I know each of you will find success in your careers. And in life. I'm proud of you all. Now...kick their butts."

It was weird hearing Sikowitz go all inspirational, but damned if he didn't. As everyone cleared out, I hung back. When it was down to just me and Tori, I took a breath…

And walked right by her for the door.

She didn't even notice. She's distracted. Shit.

I turned back. What would get her motivated? What would get her to focus on this showcase and not on whatever crap Tara inflicted? She was a bit of a drama queen. Maybe some big, heroic reconciliation speech from her longtime rival.

"So…this is it," I said. "The last hurrah."

Her smile was timid. She was nervous, all right. "Seems like it."

"Before we go out there, I wanted you to know that…I really don't like you."

Jade! Encouragement! Dumbass.

"Thanks," Tori grumbled, her face contorted in confusion and hurt. "I really–"

"I'm not finished!" My voice was sharp; full of a fury that felt oddly tempered in that moment. Almost as if I were doing it for show.

Was I? Could it be after all this time I actually…oh, no. Oh, gross. Another epiphany. Guess they were on sale this month.

I took a breath and spoke slowly. Calmly. "I don't like you…but, I do respect you. And that's a hell of a lot harder to earn with me."

Never in my life did I think I'd say those words to that person. She was searching for a response, but I didn't give her the opportunity.

"I kind of overheard what you said to Andre, since I was eavesdropping," I said. "Any other time, I'd be super glad to hear how nervous you are and I'd be trying to get in your head about it, so you'd make a fool of yourself. But just this once, I want you to succeed. For us, for the school, for everything we've worked for. And I know you will, because you're Tori Vega. You've never failed at anything. You don't know how. In fact, it's probably the one thing you can't do."

With every word, Tori's expression softened. She turned toward me more fully. Her arms fell to her sides. Her shoulders straightened. And I realized, maybe for the first time, just how ridiculously beautiful she was.

I'd admired certain features about her from the moment I saw her. But now, knowing what I knew about myself, I was comfortable at least admitting that I found her, physically at least, pretty amazing. And what's more…I liked how she looked at me at that moment. The confused smile. The appreciation. God, why did I want to move closer to her?

I closed the gap between us, got as close as I dared. I was flying on pure emotions and instinct as I reached for her.

What are you gonna do, West? Hug her?

I touched her shoulders. It was the most awkward thing I'd ever done. My arms were stiff and rigid. I felt ridiculous. But touching her sent a charge through my fingertips that reached my heart and threw off its rhythm for a second.

Oh, shit. Just ignore that.

"You can do this, Tori. You can do anything. And that's badass."

I had to get the hell out of there. I had no idea what just happened, but I didn't want to stick around to find out. I turned and left her, rushing out to join the rest of the group.

We won, of course.

I mean, there was never a doubt in my mind. I knew Beck's absurd rendition of that goofy Carl Crane song would be perfect. I knew Cat's performance would be amazing because I helped her with it. Well, before Sam kind of stepped in. I knew Robbie had taken some karate classes and that he'd be able to cobble something together. And Andre was a smart enough guy. I figured he'd come up with something funny, and he did.

I even knew Vega would pull off a passable song. She exceeded my expectations, putting together a catchy pop-rock number about being caught up in a tumultuous, emotionally frustrating relationship. The lyrics were impressive as hell. She glanced over a few times as she sang. Some idiot part of my brain thought maybe she was looking at me because…well, who cares. Probably just desperate for my approval like always. This time, though, she had it.

Trina Vega is the one who blew me away. Somehow, Tori managed to teach her how to sing. Or maybe just tap into some potential that none of us believed she had. She sang that same damn song Tori always sang. I love Andre and his gift for songwriting but after three years of hearing Vegas singing about making it shine, I was ready to put it to bed for good.

After the show, I waited for everyone to filter out of the arena. I didn't notice Tori, who was actually the person I was waiting to see.

Yeah, yeah. Don't judge me. I liked her song. I wanted to tell her. No big deal.

I slipped back into the arena. The place was empty except for some maintenance guys and…there, on the stage. The Vega sisters.

They seemed deep in conversation, but as I started walking toward them, Trina wrapped up whatever she was saying. We passed by each other, but my focus was on Tori. When I finally got to her, I lifted myself up onto the stage and sat.

Okay, dummy. You're here, now what?

I struggled with what to say, and I think that created a bit of tension–or anticipation–between us. "So I guess I was right, huh?"

"About what?"

I wouldn't meet her gaze, but I gave her my best crooked smirk. "I knew you couldn't fail. I mean it's just one of those infuriating things about you. One of many, really."

"I'm glad you're keeping track."

You have no idea, Vega. It was getting awkward fast, so I got to the point. "I liked your song."

It took a moment for her to respond. Probably in shock. "Thanks."

"I liked the imagery. Fire, rain, pleasure, pain. To me that's kinda profound, how interconnected all that is."

I felt her eyes on me, more than just a glance this time. "I guess I've learned that there can be beauty in darkness. And that it's okay to embrace it."

Holy shit. Did she really just say that? Vega? Miss Priss? Embracing the beauty in darkness? For the upteenth time that day, Tori Vega surprised me. I was almost speechless. Again.

"True," I said slowly (and lamely). "Glad you see it that way."

There was a moment of connectedness between us that was so overwhelming, so disconcerting, it nearly sent me into a panic. I pushed myself off the stage and hurried away from it.

"See you Monday," I called, turning back to her briefly.

"See you Monday."

The prospect excited me, and that prospect sickened me. What the hell is happening to me?

I hurried outside, suddenly in need of some fresh air. I found Beck sitting on the curb in front of the arena. His big, dark eyes were keeping watch; for what, I could only guess.

"No car today?"

He glanced back and smiled. "Nah, caught a ride with Sinjin. We're going to a race."

"Sounds fun."

"No it doesn't. Not to you."

Damn it, his smile was irresistible. "But for you, it's a perfect night."

He laughed and brushed his luscious hair away from his face. My knees shook. "Almost. Not quite."

I stood there next to him, taking in the warm, exhaust-choked air of Los Angeles, filtered just slightly by the gentle breeze. My head was still reeling. Cat, Tara, Tori, me…what the hell was going on? Was there something in the water? What did any of it mean?

I needed something I could trust as I sorted through all this. Something stable. Familiar. I needed something to keep me grounded as all our worlds were about to be turned upside down. And I knew I had it. It was sitting at my feet.

"So," I began slowly. "Pick me up tomorrow for dinner. But don't get all fancy. I want some artery-clogging burgers or something, not a six course meal of dead birds I can't pronounce."

Beck laughed, and my knees shook again. It was like beautiful music.

Or at least, familiar music. Maybe that was enough.

Maybe.

"All right. 8:00 work?"

"Whatever."

A car pulled up; some old jalopy, hand-me-down. I could see Sinjin's narrow face and poofy hair despite the oddly tinted windshield.

"You're riding in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

Beck rose to his feet. He turned to me and smiled. I didn't want him to kiss me, but honestly, part of me would have responded anyway. But he didn't. He shot me a wink, then disappeared into Sinjin's front seat.

"Hey, Jade! Wanna come with?"

Oh, poor, sweet Sinjin.

"Jade hates races," Beck said.

"Too bad. She smells nice."

"Dude. Don't be weird."

Beck waved one last time as the car drove off. I wondered if I made the right decision. Graduation was about change. Was it right for me to hold onto something because it was familiar? Was that ever a good reason for keeping a relationship going? Or was I just delaying the inevitable?

The doors to the arena opened once more, and a pair of familiar voices emerged.

"See? I told you this was the front entrance."

"I never said it wasn't. I said I wanted to find the chicken place by the front entrance."

"Do you ever think of anything besides chicken?"

"Yeah. Meatballs. Prime rib. Sliders. Sleeping. Sleeping while eating meatballs, sleeping while eating prime–"

"Samantha Gertrude Puckell!"

"For the hundredth time, that…eh, forget it."

I didn't even have to turn around as Sam and Cat approached. "The endless debate continues," I mused as I sensed them stop next to me.

"Hey, Jade. Great job in there, I saw at least two or three people crying during your monologue. And the one guy probably needs therapy."

I smiled at Sam's comment. "You always say the nicest things. What are you two up to this evening?"

"Debating on where to eat," Cat grumbled. "Like always."

"There's a pretty good seafood place on the pier," I said, slipping a quick wink at Cat.

This seemed to intrigue Sam. "Maybe I could do with a fish sandwich or two," she said.

"Yeah! And then we can walk at the pier and play some games!" Cat bounced on her heels, and her perky breasts bounced just perceptibly underneath her pink top.

"Yeah," Sam said, starting to match Cat's tone. "Oh, and they've got those awesome corn dogs there, too. Oh, and the cotton candy. And–"

"Okay, okay," Cat sighed. "I get it, you like food. You're going to eat yourself to death some day."

Sam smiled, as if the very thought was akin to arriving at the gates of Valhalla. "Yeah, but what a way to go." She glanced at me. "Wanna join us?"

Cat looked at me, wide-eyed with hope. I hated to disappoint her, but it didn't feel like the right time.

"As fun as it sounds, I've got some plans tonight. But thanks."

Sam shrugged. Cat's disappointment was hard to take, but I couldn't look away from her. "Well…maybe some other time?"

I smiled warmly at the perky little redhead who had so profoundly and dramatically changed my life in such a short amount of time. The one who stood with me no matter what. Who made me feel things I didn't know were possible and helped me find a part of myself I didn't know I was missing.

"Definitely," I said. "Another time, Cat. I promise."

Her smile filled me with such warmth and confusion. I watched Sam and Cat walk away together, half-expecting them to start holding hands as they did. But no…they talked. They laughed. That was all.

Cat glanced back at me one last time and offered me a little wave. I returned it. And for a brief moment, through all my confusion about her and Beck and everything else, I felt a moment of absolute certainty that there would be another time. I didn't know when or where or how, but I felt it.

And part of me–a big part of me–couldn't wait.