OK, first of all I just want to stress that I do NOT in any way own or ever will own the rights to Microsoft Word, the annoying paperclip thingy or Yugioh.
Oh yeah, I got the idea for this chapter from an email forward I'd received a long time ago that was making fun of Microsoft Word, so this is in case you're wondering where I got my insane ideas from this time!
Finally, RATED 13 or whatever the equivalent of 13 is for one mention of a suicide note.
Have a nice day!
Joey's Adventures in Microsoft World
"Stupid English assignment!" Joey cursed as he shoved a whole mountain load of homework into his scruffy rucksack. "At this rate I'll be lying next to Shakespeare by the time I finish all his essays!"
Getting home, he booted up his PC and waited. And waited. And waited.
"You have to make sure it's plugged in," Yugi whispered knowingly to him, surprising Joey by popping in out of thin air.
"Wha- how did you get in here?" Joey threw himself against the wall, as far as he could get away from Yugi and made the holy sign.
"Mind tricks, Joey…it's all in the mind," Yugi tapped his head.
Scrunching his forehead, Joey remembered a time not so long ago when he was sitting in a bar… Apparitions of Tristan and Duke had seemingly appeared out of thin air too. But today he was sober, he was sure of that!
"Hey Yug, your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me!"
"Who says they haven't already?" He said mysteriously, pools of violet light in his eyes drawing Joey in, making him feel sleepy, making him feel…
"Cut it out Yugi!" Joey yelled, snapping up. "I got homework to do, so mess with Tristan instead!"
"Homework?" Yugi said brightly. "Hey, maybe I can help!"
He plugged the PC in, and the machine whirred as it came to life.
"Awright!" Joey high-fived. "Let's get some serious Shakespeare busting done!"
He opened up Microsoft Word, and-
"Arghh! What the hell's that…that wire thing…it's staring at me!"
Yugi looked at the screen; then at Joey's frozen face of horror. With careful deliberation, he said, "that, my friend, is the office assistant, Clippit."
"Clippit?" Joey eyed the paperclip incredulously.
With a metallic clang, the paperclip leaned forward and a set of options appeared.
"What the…?"
"Just click off it, that usually does the trick. Joey," Yugi began, "have you ever used a computer before?"
He remembered a few weeks ago, when he'd been trying to teach his Yami all about the joys of modern technology. Yeah, that hadn't gone too well. Yami had ended up threatening to smash the paperclip when it refused to acknowledge his existence in the spell check.
xXx
"But it doesn't recognize my name either," Yugi said earnestly, trying to calm Yami down.
"Bow down at my feet now, or I will render you unconscious and banish you to the Shadow Realm!" Yami announced, typing furiously.
"Yami! This isn't a chat room, this is an animated graphic…a moving picture!"
The paperclip had blinked before it responded to Yami's 'request' with "I am sorry, I don't know what you mean."
Yami growled, and raised his Puzzle…
xXx
"Heh, heh, heh…" Joey chuckled nervously at Yugi's question. "Of course I have- look, I can write a letter…" And with that, he began typing-
Dear Whurld,
I just carnt take this anymor. I've decided
"Joey!" Yugi peered over his shoulder, shocked. "What kind of letter are you writing? This looks like-"
Suddenly the paperclip popped up with a new set of options:
It looks like you're committing suicide!
Office Assistant can help you write your suicide note. But first, please tell us how you plan to kill yourself!
Chainsaw
Pills
Backstreet Boys
Jump
"Err…yeah, I read one of these in the help column of one my sister's magazines…" Joey mumbled sheepishly.
"What's a 'whurld'?" Yugi asked skeptically.
"Erm…" Joey looked panicked.
"Tsch, never underestimate the power of the spell check!"
The room was met with silence.
"OK," Yugi began after an embarrassing pause, "let me just handle this right?"
Suddenly the computer froze.
"Argghhh!" Joey yelled as the screen became fuzzy. "What's happening, Yug?"
"I…don't…know…" Yugi breathed as the fuzzy black and white dots merged into lines…becoming clearer…becoming something more sinister…
"Greetings."
"Yowza!" Joey shot up a mile. "I didn't know computers could get possessed!"
The face of Yami glared angrily back.
"Now listen carefully, Joey Wheeler, the whole fate of the universe depends upon-"
Yugi pressed his face against the screen; the grotesque distorted features causing Yami to jump back in horror (come on, you know, when you press your lips on the window- do you know how disgusting that looks on the other side?).
"Yami, you can't do this! This is a computer, not a TV!"
"Woah," Joey said, entranced. Yugi glanced over at him; he was staring mesmerized at a button on the keyboard. "Since when was there a bright red button…"
"There wasn't…" Yugi said slowly.
"No!" Yami pounded his fists from the other side of the screen. "Don't press that button!"
"Relax, Yami, you can stop this now," Joey smiled reassuringly. "We all know you're not really there…"
He pushed the button.
The screen went blank, then started glowing eerily. A metallic voice cackled, crackling slightly as it boomed over the speakers.
"Muhahahaha! All will quake at the wrath of the Microsoft Office Assistant!" Suddenly the paperclip popped up on screen, flicking it's tail menacingly. "The world will soon be mine, thanks to a little surprise…Arise, my minions!"
To Yugi's horror, thousand upon thousands of tiny paperclip replicas began to emerge, filling up the screen.
"It's a virus!" Joey screeched, running around in circles like a headless chicken. "It's gonna take over the whurld, we're all doomed!"
"Of course," Yugi whispered to himself. Two could play at that game…
Whilst the paperclip was preoccupied with it's spawn of insanity, Yugi grabbed a USB link and waved it madly at Joey.
"Where's your port?"
"Wha-?" Joey stared, stupefied.
"Port, you know, hole, cavity…you know, the hole in your head!"
"Oh that," Joey laughed. "Here." He lifted a tuft of hair aside and pointed to what could only be described as a USB port.
"Right." Yugi rammed the link into Joey's head and rammed the other end into the computer. "Now Joey, spell 'world'!"
"W-H-U-R-L-D? Is that right?"
"No, but keep on spelling it!" Yugi hissed excitedly. He returned his attention back to the paperclip.
"-Too long have I been subject to the abuse mortals hurl at me, too long have I been there to pick up the rubbish. No one appreciated my help when I offered it, people even set up their own parodies of me! I became known as 'that sodding paperclip' to all in cyberspace-" if it had a fist it would shake it at the world right now- "but now, that will change. I am the underlord, but I will be the overlord when I rise up and take back what is rightfully mine!"
"And what's that?" Yugi asked sweetly.
The paperclip glared at him for a second before answering. "The whurld will be mine!" There was a sudden look of horror on it's face. "Did I just implicate a grammatical error?" It tried again. The whurld will be mine-the whurld…" Now there was a look of unsuppressed panic. "Noo, a virus! Whurld-mine- the whurld-whurld-"
"Sorry?" Yugi said brightly. "You still in monologue?"
And with that, he pulled the plug.
"W-H-U-R-L-D…W-H-U-R-L-D…"
Yugi looked at Joey's deadly concentrating face for a minute before he laughed. "It's OK now Joey, you've just saved the world."
"Have I?" A puzzled look appeared on his face before it broke into a grin. "All for spelling one word wrong? Just wait til the whurld hears this!"
Yugi patted him on the back. "I think Joey, that sometimes it's best to keep these things to ourselves."
And with that, he pulled the USB out of Joey's head and vanished into thin air.
Rubbing his eyes at the spot where Yugi had been before, Joey murmured- "Yugi? You're not here anymore…did any of this actually happen? Was it all a dream?"
xXx
A few blocks away, Yugi sighed in relief.
"Good work, Yugi, once again we made sure that the world is a safer place."
Yami high-fived Yugi. "Another mission accomplished for Team Pharaoh!"
"Team Pharaoh?" Yugi spluttered. "Team Yugi, more like!"
And the moral of the story is: Nothing is ever too weird to be true.
Or: Sometimes even mutts can save the world...shame we'll never know!
Weird? Surreal? Yeah, I know.
That turned into more of a fic-let! Well, let me know what you thought of it- I could always do with more ideas and opinions!