Part Ten

197S9.9.14

The others are clearly not accustomed for desert travel. They can hardly move in the sand, and it slows us down. A lot. Even though we move at night, the heat is still rising, and we don't move fast enough to get far enough to end this trek before we're going to run out of water.

We didn't bring enough water. There's certainly not enough containers for it, especially not with the way the others are sucking it down. I told Lai not to drink too much water, but he… well, he needs it, I guess. He's water-fat. They all are, even Nooj, though don't say that to his face.

I'm always seeking shade, and there's never enough. We always have to use the tent at least in some way to make enough room for all of us. The others don't believe me when I say it's better to crowd together in the little shade than to use canvas to make shade. We don't have the appropriate materials out here.

You'd think the Maesters were trying to kill all of us.

But, anyway, the others are too concerned about the stink of our bodies or something. Then… just get used to it. And for the love of whatever, stop breathing through your mouths! I tried to tell them, but they still don't do it. No one listens to me. Why not? I live here, I trained here, I grew up here… I should know. I am Al Bhed. We know the desert life.

And then Nooj with the whole 'don't urinate' speech he gave us. He thought he was being knowledgeable about the desert way of life, I think. Something about being trained as a Warrior, or whatever. Well, yeah. I don't know about Spirans, but I've known a lot of Al Bhed that have died from conserving too much water like that. So, needless to say, I'm reluctant to do it. But Nooj commands, so he'll get. Or I'll just piss when no one's looking.

I'm going to sleep. And I'm going to keep kicking everyone to move faster. We can't dally… or we'll be easy targets.

197S9.9.16

Taydrcaagan.

197S9.9.17

Need… water… I never thought I could be able to do that.

I did it yesterday, but I thought it was chance. I thought I was just lucky... but I did it again just now. They always said that when we were desperate, Al Bhed could find water. That we could smell it. And I did. I swear, I could smell it, cool on my nostrils… and I found it. I could dig in the sand and find it.

Now I've drunk as much as I can. We're resting in this small bit of shade. No longer are the others shy about piling together… but I can't sleep.

I haven't slept. Not since that. Not since I realized he's Taydrcaagan. Not since the sand bear attacked us, and he tried to die.

Tried to die. Tried to die. Tried to die.

No matter how many times I say it, how many times I type it or read it… it never makes sense. I can never understand. I can't help but to think it's somehow my fault, our fault, everybody's fault. We can't make him want life.

It's what the machina's doing to him. It's trying to kill him. It is killing him.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. It's all different now.

Taydrcaagan.

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I have, I think, exhausted my unknown ability to sniff out water. It's not working so well anymore. I get more tired searching for it than I do marching forward and killing fiends. It takes everything out of me, but I know I have to do it for the others. I know they need water and I need water, and so I expel every last bit of energy I have to find it. It takes everything. I've never been so tired as I have been after searching for water.

And still, all the time, I have to kick the others forward. Since what Nooj did, everyone seems slower. Even I seem slower. It's like there's a heavy presence on all of our shoulders all the time. Maybe it's because of what we saw him do. Maybe it's the awkwardness. Or maybe, all in all, it's just the lack of water and how shriveled our bodies have become.

Paine, I think, is starting to sunburn, even though Baralai keeps applying the salves to block out the sun onto her delicate skin. My skin color hasn't changed; Lai's is dark, so he's okay; and Nooj, somehow, doesn't seem affected. Only Paine needs to worry.

The sun can kill you. It can seep into your brain and make you go mad, especially if you're not used to it. I think I could stay out in it for days without really having to worry, but for someone like Paine with her pale skin… I can't imagine how much those red splotches have to hurt.

Baralai and Nooj have been reading the stars all night, and they say we're about a day away from the end. A day away and then we'll get new assignments, something to shake things up. I don't know if I can take being here anymore… everything reminds me of the sand bear incident. It's too fresh in my mind, I need to put distance between myself and that event. I remember too clearly the string of events, the last round of ammunition, resorting to the knives. I remember being frozen as I saw Nooj walking forward, toward the mouth of the fiend. The panic that flowed through my veins. The way Paine had to save Nooj. The way Baralai and I didn't. What does that make us? Do we, too, want him to die?

No. No. That's not it. We didn't know. She reacted so quickly… did she know? Does he share the secrets of death with her in the depth of night? In the throes of passion? I want to know what the secrets are… but I am afraid.

Yeah, Gippal, afraid. I am afraid of him, of death, of Taydrcaagan. Nooj would tell me I'm too young to understand… but he's not that much older than me. But, then again, he is, if not in years. He is in experience. I've lost an eye, and he's lost half of his body, half of his mind, to machina. I can, in no way, compare to him.

That's why he's our leader.

That's why I'd follow him anywhere. Even though he's Taydrcaagan, though he's seeking death, I will follow him. Perhaps not to death, but as far as my footsteps will take me. He seeks honor in his death… that's what a Taydrcaagan does. I'll make sure he gets it. That's something everyone deserves.

…but still, the syacdanbecdumc are against my legs, reminding me of exactly what dishonor is. I should get rid of them before the sun makes us insane, driving us all to do terrible things. Perhaps I have already begun to lose my sensibilities. It would explain the water-sniffing, the obsession with the Taydrcaagan, the fanatical loyalty.

Or is that just who I am?

I'm surprised I remember my name anymore. I'm surprised Gippal hasn't been lost in the sands, given up, a sacrifice for the water. I… think I can sense it again. Nearby… though I have no energy, I have to delve down again into my resources and find some so that I can find the water for us.

It's here. Somewhere. I'm being driven water-crazy.