Part Thirteen
197S9.9.20
We were all ready to have a go at the last bit of this stupid mission, but then apparently Noojster received orders from the Maesters to stay put for another day.
I'm so bored. I've taught Lai how to play beka, and we played it for a couple of hours last night and again when we all woke up today. He had apparently been up for a few hours and was bored since he'd run out of plants to play with, so I created some makeshift "dice", he called them, and taught him how to play. Paine watched us for a while, but then she called us something nasty under her breath and went away. I think Noojster really was pissed that she'd been groping me the last time we slept.
The sleep cycles are so erratic now that I can hardly tell what time of day it is anymore. I take sleep when and where I can get it, and it doesn't matter if it's during the day or the night, and it usually only comes for a few hours at a time. It makes me erratic when compared to the others here… often times, I'm sleeping when they're all awake.
Which means that I wake up in the middle of the strangest things, sometimes. Like just now, I woke up from a short nap where I was having a very nice dream about standing on the helm of an yencreb, spreading my arms as it soared through the air. There've been these rumors that old Cid dug up an yencreb from under the sea somewhere… I wonder if he ever got it working. Anyway, I got sidetracked. Apparently, Lai was more bored than I'd thought… he was mixing stuff together, dried pieces of plants that looked like they should never have anything to do with each other. When I asked him what he was doing, he just looked up at me innocently like "Oh, nothing!"
When Baralai says "Oh, nothing!" in that voice, something's up. It was the same tone of voice he used while Paine and I were suffering from green-face. Chyga, I still haven't gotten him back for that. So, he put the little mixture together in a paste… and then he just ate it.
What if it had killed him? Oh, no, but it didn't kill him. Didn't turn his face green either. In fact, it didn't really do anything funny, at least not that I really found funny at the time.
Now it's funny, though. To see that look on his face -- that lusty, husky look that he normally reserves for right when he's about to tell me it's okay to do "whatever" to him -- when I wasn't even touching him…
…it makes me wonder what, exactly, he ate, because wow. I've never let a man possess me before, but it was like… I couldn't say no, or even turn it around on him. He got so aggressive at me, like he HAD to get off and he HAD to do it right then and it HAD to be with his dick in my ass.
I mean, honestly, I can never say no to the guy anyway, but when he's forcibly taking off my clothes, it's even harder.
…
Everything's sexual in the Spiran language, I swear!
Anyway, it was weird. I've never felt so, uh, helpless, I guess. It's hard to say what it was like. I mean, I'm so used to being in control, to having a handle on the situation (EVERYTHING is sexual! I can't write ANYTHING!), and this was just the total opposite of that. I was had, and not only was I had, but I was had by the guy who we all mistook for 'little' when we first met him.
He's not so little, no way. He's bigger than me, and stronger, and I think I've just somehow missed that this whole time. But it was interesting.
I think I liked it.
That scares me.
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I can't stop thinking about it.
This is really, really, really bad.
No, Gippal, you are NOT a vub, you are not a bottom, you don't let yourself be had by guys! It doesn't work that way. You're the one in control, you're the sexy one who always gets what he wants.
Heh, look at me, writing to myself. I think that's probably kinda lame.
I've become all self-conscious. Do the others know? Can they tell? Am I walking funny? Did I get all the blood washed off? Can they smell it? Did I suddenly become more girly just because of this? These are only a mere sampling of the questions running through my head at every possible second. It's creepy.
Then, unfortunately, I look at Baralai, and I remember what it was like, and it makes me think that I don't really care what the answers to any of those questions are. I mean, he looks so happy. I can't be sure if that's from what he did to me – I hate even writing that – or if it's from this most recent endeavor of his.
He told me last night after I wrote in this thing that, as he was experimenting with some of his alchemy while I was sleeping, he found something for Nooj. I immediately blurted out something like 'something to help him with the pain?', and then Lai just looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about.
Oops. I mean, I'd meant to talk to him about the pain that I can tell Nooj is in, but I hadn't done it yet. I convinced myself to, really!
But no, he said, something to help his 'seasickness', which I think is caycelghacc. I guess it would be. But then he asked about what I meant, and suddenly, I was telling him that I think Noojster is in pain, like, 98 percent of the time.
He thought about it for a moment and then said that he had something for that too, and then he went away. He came back, and then I taught him how to play beka, and then we went to sleep. I didn't think anything of it until a few moments ago when he confided to me all secretly that he had made some pain medicine for Nooj and that he had taken it and it had worked. I don't know when this all happened, but it must have been last night or this morning.
Baralai is so proud of himself. Apparently, he's been dispensing it through Paine so that he wouldn't have to tell Nooj directly that he knew of the pain he was in. I think that's a good move. Noojster is a private guy – I've known that ever since he threatened me with an instant, gruesome, painful death if I breathed a word to anyone else about the little sounds he sometimes makes when I'm working on him – and so, once again, Lai's done the right thing. And to think, this is all because of a slip of my tongue.
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So, Noojster's letting the other squads bathe and drink from our water source. I can't say I totally agree, because aren't we all supposed to be in competition with each other?—
…
I think the mentality of the Maesters is getting to me. I swore at the outset of this that I wouldn't let us all turn against each other. It's already happened, and I had to make the choice to protect my teammates over the others. I made it instantly, too. With Baralai involved, there wasn't even a choice for me.
It seems like I have to protect him at all costs, or at least that's the attitude I've adopted. I don't know why… if anything, Baralai's proven to me that he can take care of himself. But yet, I feel like I have to protect him too. That includes going against my peacemaking mission and causing the death of one of the other recruits.
It was necessary, though. But was any of this necessary? Was it really needed to send us all out here into the middle of Bikanel to kill each other? I just don't get it. I mean, we were all volunteers, right? We volunteered for this job – you would have thought we would have been treated better, instead of, like, cannon fodder or whatever we are. The Maesters could have made a volunteer army of us, and those are the best kinds, because you have the people there who want to be there. But no, they're just killing off the people who want to be here.
It just doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense, except the people I'm with now. I'm not sure I entirely get everything about the other three, but I understand them all, in a way. Dr. P and I… well, she's like an older, teasable sister. I like that, because she fights back with me. It's good to have someone to argue with, even if I think I irritate her. And Noojster, well, he's the guy in charge… I've already written extensively about how I feel about him. I totally look up to him, even if he's Taydrcaagan. I've committed myself to helping him in any way I can… and making him feel proud of where he is, even if it's probably a pretty big step down from where he was.
And then there's Lai. I'm still not sure how I feel about him. I mean, yeah, we sleep together all the time when we're both sleeping at the same time, and we have sex, and he seems to enjoy the affection I give him and he's free with his own… but, uh, you know, I'm not sure if this is a relationship or not. It seems like Noojster and Dr. P are doing the relationship thing… which completely astounds me. I mean, the guy's trying to die… how is something like a relationship possible? But I could be wrong, too. Maybe they're just having each other the way Lai and I are.
Or are we? What are Lai and I doing? I mean, it'd be one thing if we fucked and got it over with, but what's all this about me protecting him and cred? Why did I let him have me, then, and why do I almost feel giddy about it when I even so much as think about it? It's impossible. I feel like I want to ask him, but then… that seems like completely base, like I need to put a label on it in order to experience it fully.
I don't care what it is. I like it, and I think Lai does too. I don't know how long it will last or where it will go or what we'll end up doing to each other, but… I like it. And I'm going to keep doing it, as long as he'll let me.