Part Fifteen

197S9.9.22

I got pretty far in the knifemaking last night… but, at the end of the night, right when I was about finished cutting down the edges, the top tooth broke. It had been my knife for the whole endeavor, and it finally got tired, I guess. The tip snapped right off and almost hit Paine in the face.

I confided to her what I was doing… only because she asked. It's kind of hard to avoid the question "What exactly are you doing with those teeth?" So I told her, straight-up, that I was making a traditional knife. I mean, it is pretty traditional, back from the earliest days before the Al Bhed really conquered machina. We still have the holdovers – it's like a rite of passage for us to make a chrysknife, as I've heard them called in some parts of Spira – but no one really uses them anymore. I can't see why… they're really nice, and rather deadly.

Unfortunately, I think I'd let it slip to her sometime previously that I rather liked the pair of blades I already have… so she guessed that I wasn't making the chrysknife for myself. How do women do that? It's like they know every move a guy makes before he makes it. They must all be psychic. But, anyway, I didn't know it until that very second, but I told her it's a gift for Baralai.

She made the most girly sound I've ever heard Paine make, and that includes every noise I've ever unwillingly heard her make during her excursions with Nooj. It was kind of like "Awwwwwwhh!" I mean, what are we, kittens?

But, yeah, I guess it's a gift for Lai now. She suggested that I write something meaningful on it for him. But, you know, what could I possibly write there? Or carve, as it is, if the other knives can hold up that long to finish this project. I mean, that's awfully…

…well, sappy, I guess. It's like something I'd do for a serious girlfriend or something. Lai's, clearly, not a serious girlfriend. Or is he? Well, not the girlfriend part, but a serious boyfriend?

Why am I even thinking this? He was just supposed to be, like, a battle boy I guess. But that all changed when that duel happened, and then when I let him—

Don't care. Really.

We're on the boat now. Happily, Noojster seems to be doing okay. Lai's told me he's made some medicine that helps with his various issues… they all seem to be working, since he isn't on his stomach puking yet. Heh.

So I've heard these rumors of some project that's being undertaken against Sin. Apparently they've built some kind of big gun… it has to be a ray gun, that's the only thing that'd even possibly work. There've been rumors about that before, but no one's actually done it since we've never had enough funding nor enough freedom to build such a thing. But I guess the Maesters are backing it this time, and actually getting Al Bhed to do the job – real Al Bhed, not the converted ones.

Maybe it'll work. I wonder if we'll be back from the next mission in time to see it.

Well, it seems like we're about to take off… I want to go stand at the front and feel the wind start to move by me before I go to meet Noojster. I think he wants me to give him a tune-up again. I can't imagine it'll be easy on a moving ship, but… well, whatever the guy wants, really.

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…he didn't want a tune-up.

Man, the story about the poison on the leader of Squad Three sounded so weird. Noojster just… well, he wanted to talk. About that. And so I told him what I thought about the poison, but it sounded so stupid. I couldn't put any words to exactly what I heard and how I knew. I think he thought I was making things up to make him feel better.

But I wasn't! It's the truth! If it wasn't, I… well, no, I probably still wouldn't have let Lai fight. He was injured. And…

It doesn't matter. It's over. It's all over. Nooj didn't know why the Maesters would have had the syacdanbecdumc – we didn't know back then, and still don't know now – but we did agree on one thing: we couldn't let them get them back. They came so close; I don't even know how I got onboard this ship without being searched. Lucky, I guess, or something. If they'd searched me, I would've killed them. Too bad.

But anyway, those defiled machina are gone now. Nooj stood guard, and I finally removed them from the loops inside of my pants for the first time since I put them there after that duel in the sands. They've even stayed right in place each time I've taken my clothing off, never moving, almost like they didn't want to be discovered either. The poor things, being defiled and then being put into the hands of the Maesters. I pity them. No machina should have to go through that.

We set them free. Nooj took one and I took the other, we gave them one last look-over, and then held them over the railing and dropped them into the sea. They hardly made a sound as they fell in, almost like they were happy to be going to a better place.

I can't help but to think that someday someone's going to find them, and that person will never know what the story behind them is. They'll never know that they saved the life of a young priest of Yevon… maybe the next person to lay a hand on those pistols won't even know what Yevon is. It makes me hopeful for the future, really.

After I dropped it, my hands felt so empty, and so pure all of a sudden. It was like these last days of the horrible torture of having those defiled machina on my body were just erased, and I could feel the tingling in my hands. I don't really know why or what it signifies, but the next thing I touched with that hand was Nooj's hand. It was the hand that he had dropped the other pistol with. It was like… I don't even know. The dishonor was gone now, replaced with something new. It was kind of like loyalty… I've always known I'd be loyal to Nooj, I guess, but now it was like a pact. Our honor was cleaned.

It seems so simple, but sometimes the simple things are the most important.

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We remained stationary again for a little while tonight while the sun set. I don't know why they did that, but I took advantage. I went swimming… and I took Lai this time.

We stripped down to our skivvies – yes, our skivvies – and jumped off the stern into the water below. Or, well, at least I jumped. Lai kind of… closed his eyes and forced himself to fall. It was pretty funny. I wonder if he's ever been swimming before. He must have, because he could keep himself afloat pretty well.

The other two didn't join us – I don't know what they were doing, but I think Nooj might rust or sink if he jumped in – and no one else seemed to feel up to swimming, but I did. I totally got Lai back for attacking me in the water when we finished the trials on Bikanel… yeah, I dunked him under the waves a few times.

Of course, the little chyga wouldn't stand for that, so he had to do inappropriate things to me while submerged. Not like I'm complaining. Lai can hold his breath for a long time. I wonder if he's considered Blitzball…

Before I knew it, the first moon was rising. It's quite a sight to see the moon rise over the ocean. And then… Lai said the weirdest thing. He said that he didn't want to be separated from me.

I still don't know how to take that, but at the time, I had to say something. So I admitted that, yeah, I'd kinda gotten attached to him too. It's true! I really have. I'm man enough to admit that. I've had sex with Lai more times than I've had sex with anybody else, and it's only been a couple of weeks. That says something.

I don't think it says quite as much as the fact that I can't help but to feel incredibly thankful for every time I get to touch him. I mean, he's like a blessing. It's amazing that I still have him… he should have died out there. We all should have. But somehow, we're all still alive, and that binds us in some really important way.

I don't know how, exactly, just yet… but hey, maybe we can all remain together. That'd be great, but I know it doesn't work that way. They'll probably send us off to four separate corners of Spira. But… maybe Lai and I can stay together. It's what he wants, and somehow, it's what I want too.

I can't imagine Nooj and Paine splitting up, either. So… what if we all, the three of us, refused to serve under anyone but Nooj? He'd call us stupid for doing it, but I kind of feel obligated in a way. I mean, it could work, couldn't it? They wouldn't go against their four best soldiers' wishes…

Oh, wait. It's the Maesters we're talking about. They'd be just stupid enough to do something like that.