Part Eighteen

197S9.9.25

So this is it. This is the final test? We woke up, got the message that we were supposed to report to the lower levels of this road, down near the caves. I didn't know there were caves… I wonder if they're dangerous.

What am I saying? If those tyshat Maesters are sending us there, it must be dangerous. Maybe they'll cut our legs off as a handicap this time. It'd only be appropriate.

Anyway, so now we're here. There are definitely caves, they're definitely dark, and definitely damp. Ah, perfect. Send all the recruits down into the underground to get lost for the rest of time… but make them wait for hours first to receive instructions.

Am I sounding bitter? I really shouldn't be. Last night… it was incredible. Lai continues to amaze me at every opportunity with everything he can. I don't think I ever realized that sex could be so… extended. It seemed like we were together for most of the night, never ending, never taking our hands from each other, always active, never separated. I never knew he could be so—

Ah, there's Paine. I guess Noojster finally got tired of her all cuddled up to him. I don't know, last night must've been one of those nights where everyone is on the same wavelength. Maybe… well, no, that's probably a foolish hope when dealing with a Taydrcaagan, but maybe she finally convinced Noojster to not try to kill himself this time.

We're all sitting around again, doing our thing, writing in each of our zuinhymc. I wonder what'll become of them when we're done with them? I'm almost at the end of the space I have on this thing… I need to be concise from now on. Maybe I'll just stop writing in it after this next test. I'll save it… Gippal's record of his trials in the Crimson Squad. Sound good? If I'm famous one day, maybe I'll publish it. The scandal! I bet some of the things I've written would really embarrass Lai.

Lai. He's got the chrysknife strapped to his leg, like he covets it and wants to protect it. I've had to tell him already that it's not going to break on him like an ornamental weapon, that sandworm only have four teeth for a reason. Those things do not break. I had to demonstrate by pulling out the tooth I have left – it's a little broken, but it did its job – and hurling it at the rock wall of this place. Yeah, letting out a little aggression for being back here, but I killed two birds with one stone I guess. The tooth didn't even get a scratch on it. You have to know just the right way to chip it away, the right angle to hold it at, and the right pressure to place on it in order to shape it.

I hope Lai can use it. I think it'll be the most useful weapon he's ever had, if he stops being afraid to break it. It may look pretty and delicate, but yes, it's quite deadly.

Anyway, every now and then Lai leans over and looks at what I'm writing. I don't think he quite comprehends how the gaopuynt works to type in the letters instead of hand-writing them. I can't stand hand-writing. I always got smacked for poor penmanship anyway…

Heh. Every now and then, Lai pokes the nadidh key and makes me skip a line. One day maybe he'll have one of these of his own, but I doubt he'll ever be able to type as fast as I can. That is, if he ever gets over the fact that it's machina. I think he's still kind of worried that any machina is going to explode on him.

…look at me. I just keep babbling about him. What's wrong with me?

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Well, this is it. If I die, this could be my last entry. We're supposed to fight for weapons. Fortunately, I know where to hide some of my own, and Lai's got that knife.

I have a feeling we'll make it out of this just fine, but just in case I don't – Lai, I love you.

197S9.9.26

--So hysa ec Gippal; so rusa ec Home, eh Bikanel. E ys yh Al Bhed. E fyc y lyhtetyda vun dra Crimson Squad, pid dryd ec hu suna. Ymm naluntc uv ed ryja bnupypmo paah anycat. Drao cahd ic, dra mycd lyhtetydac, ehdu y lyja frana y cdnyhka paehk yfyedat. E's hud cina fryd ed fyc, pid ed dneat du gemm ic. Ed vemmat ajanoputo eh dra lyja fedr cdnuhk hakydeja asudeuhc; tacbyen, videmedo, yhkan, tecybbuehdsahd, naknad. Fa ymm dneat du gemm aylr udran. Syho uv ic tet. Drana yna vuin uv ic nasyehehk huf, yht frah fa asankat, dra Maesters uv Yevon crud yd ic, dnoehk du gemm ic. Fa aclybat yht fa yna vmaaehk. E tuh'd ghuf ruf muhk E'mm ryja drec, pid ev cusauha amca vehtc drec, nasaspan ic yht, ev drao'na hud ymnayto tayt, gemm dra dnyedunc uv Spira, dra Maesters uv Yevon!--

--My name is Gippal; my home is Home, in Bikanel. I am an Al Bhed. I was a candidate for the Crimson Squad, but that is no more. All records of it have probably been erased. They sent us, the last candidates, into a cave where a strange being awaited. I'm not sure what it was, but it tried to kill us. It filled everybody in the cave with strong negative emotions; despair, futility, anger, disappointment, regret. We all tried to kill each other. Many of us did. There are four of us remaining now, and when we emerged, the Maesters of Yevon shot at us, trying to kill us. We escaped and we are fleeing. I don't know how long I'll have this, but if someone else finds this, remember us and, if they're not already dead, kill the traitors of Spira, the Maesters of Yevon!--

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I still have this. We're still running, but now night has fallen and I don't think they're after us. I want to take this time and some of the space I have left on this thing to set down what happened.

I don't think I even fully know. It was… whatever it was, it didn't get me.

Anyway, we ran into the cave, and almost immediately everybody started fighting for weapons. It was like someone just threw a pile of them in there and expected everyone to fight for them. We brought our own, concealed as best as we could, but I managed to pick up another gun while I was at it.

Then, they started killing each other. I don't know why, but there was gunfire and flashes of light and screaming and blood, and all the candidates were shooting each other. Bodies piled up on the ground. Pyreflies were everywhere… I thought they were from the bodies, but they had been there before, I guess.

Yeah, they had been there the whole time. It's hard to remember.

Anyway, we went in… everybody else was dead, it looked like. It was just us… Nooj, Lai, Paine, and me. We went in as far as we could, holding guns and knives at ready, and then the pyreflies started appearing in gigantic clusters. They were everywhere. I thought I heard some sort of animal snarling and coming toward us.

Then, I heard Lai shout at me… was it Lai? I don't know, maybe it was Paine, but I turned around and there was this thing flying at me. It was a weird almost human shape, greenish yellow, and I could hear it screaming. I ducked… what else could I do? I felt a hot wind as it swarmed around me like a fleet of tiny, stinging bees… and then it hit Nooj.

I can't explain what happened. They went into him, and it was like something attacked him from inside. He screamed and doubled over, clutching his head. We couldn't get through to him no matter how much Lai and I called to him, he didn't respond, didn't even act like he recognized us.

And then he straightened and pointed his gun right at Lai's forehead. I remember that clearly, like watching a sphere recording, clear as though it were on a screen.

I didn't know what to do. Lai… Nooj was going to kill Lai. And if he did, I was going to kill him.

It made sense at the time. I aimed my gun – the one I'd picked up off the floor – right at Nooj's temple. I mean, what better way to reason with a guy than by pointing a gun at his head? Yeah, I don't get it either.

But it didn't work. Lai… I don't know why or how… but he… he did it to me, too. He was going to kill me. He aimed his gun right at me, at my head, and he wasn't kidding. He was serious. We were all going to kill each other.

I don't know. I just don't know. I don't understand. I mean… we're friends, the three of us. We're more than that… we're brothers. Brothers. Brothers don't point guns at each other.

Then Nooj started screaming again. It's all… all really fuzzy here. I was so scared. I could taste the death in the air, feel it pulling at my fingertips and I was overcome with all these unbidden emotions… remorse for my parents being killed by Sin, regret for my stupid mistake with the engine that made me lose my eye, despair because the man I love was about to die, anger at the Maesters for putting us through this, hate for Yevon and everything associated with it, confusion regarding how I could hate Yevon but love Lai, jealousy for Nooj knowing the way machina must think and feel, homesickness for the safety of Home… those are only a few of the things that flooded through me. I don't remember all of them, but they hit me like a wave.

Is that how it feels when you're about to die? It must be terrible.

We should have all died. We should have killed each other. But… we didn't. Because Paine was there. She saved us. She broke us apart… I don't remember what happened next, but I got up off the ground, leaving that damned gun there, and Lai and I dragged Nooj to the exit as fast as we could.

The whole thing is so clear, but so distant. I feel like I watched it, not experienced it.

I don't understand why it happened… but when we got out, we had to give our reports. We didn't even have time to compose ourselves. I stammered something about the negative emotions, but I don't think it made much sense. I had just almost been killed by the man I love. Yes, the man I love. And I had just almost killed my Commander. Captain.

And then they told us that we had passed the test. What was it, to resist the urge to kill each other? What a reprehensible test… and they call my people barbarians! And then, no sooner had they given us our orders and we had been given three seconds to rejoice than they started shooting at us!

I can't believe this. I can't believe I'm typing this. It's all… so strange. I can't believe it happened, but it did – I trust my memory. And now they're most likely hunting us, searching for the survivors, wanting to kill us off too.

What are we going to do? We're refugees now, refugees from the most powerful people in Spira. I want to take them – Nooj, Paine, and Lai, I mean – back to Bikanel. We can hide there. If I give my word that they're good people, the Al Bhed will hide them. We could use a military mind like Nooj's – if he ever recovers from whatever happened to him in that cave -- and I'm sure Paine and Lai can find a place. I would reveal the existence of Home to save them.

But no, I don't think that will work. I don't know what we're going to do. No… Lai, he's crying. I have to stop this, or I'm going to weep too.