Part Nineteen

197S9.9.25

Where are we going? I'm not as familiar with Spira as I should be. I think Nooj said we were heading for Luca, but he didn't even seem certain. I'm not really sure he can be trusted anyway.

No, I have to stop that. Of course he can be trusted. He's just deeply affected by this, as we all are.

Poor Lai. Poor Lai… I don't know how long it took me last night to convince him that I forgive him. I still don't know why he pointed that gun at my head or why he wanted to kill me, but a man brought to death… I know what it feels like now. I know. I can't say I'm comfortable seeing Lai with a gun, or even Nooj with a gun, or myself with a gun… we should all ditch these weapons and get new ones.

I still have those plans… but I can't make a weapon while I'm running like this. Always running, and with no set destination. I can't say it's bad, because at least we don't do the hurry-up-and-wait thing, at least we know we're not going headfirst into a harebrained scheme plotted by people we can't even see or touch…

No. Anything we get into now is our own doing.

We're getting near to the Mi'ihen Highroad, I think. Rin has a place there. I'll talk to him and see what he thinks, see if he has a way to get us all safely back to Bikanel. There's no better place to hide than with the forbidden people, right? Or would that merely bring Yevon's wrath down on the Al Bhed even more?

I think they might be inclined to forget about us if we went there… unless they used it as just another of their string of reasons for attacking the Al Bhed over and over again. Maybe my people won't be so receptive… but you know, if we had Noojster there to guide us, maybe we could have a chance at driving Yevon back, even taking over. I could see it working… the Al Bhed are good fighters, and we have guns and not these pathetic swords and knives and staves used by the fighters of Yevon. We could shoot them seventeen times between the eyes before they'd even get within striking distance.

Maybe I can convince them. I'll try, anyway. I'm a smooth talker, right? I can talk anyone into anything, right? Yeah, that's how Gippal works.

I still can't figure out what happened in that cave. It bothers me every second of the day, even when I'm thinking about other things… even when I'm holding Lai against me, stroking his hair, breaths away from telling him the thing that I think could make this all better…

That cave poisoned us. I don't know what was in there, but it was a foul poison, designed to make us act irrationally. That's all there is to it.

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Something's really wrong with Nooj. He was acting really funny this afternoon… I was just doing as I normally do, fixing up his parts, giving the regular maintenance that I think he's come to rely on… and he was so uncomfortable. And he was… I don't know, I guess it was twitching, though not in any way I've ever seen anybody twitch before.

But he kept… I don't really know. Something weird is going on here.

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I'm nearly out of space. This thing can't hold much more. It's almost nighttime, then we will set out on the next leg of this journey to nowhere.

I get the feeling that Nooj wants us to separate. I just want us all to get back to safety… if we have to separate, so be it, as long as we reunite again sometime soon. I want to take Lai with me, but not because I don't think he'll be alright on his own… but because I don't want to part with him.

Yes, I've become a sentimental fool. I don't care. Right now, with the way he's acting… I don't really know if he's stable. I hate to say he needs me, but I think it's true. I don't think I could forgive myself if I left him like this without knowing what's going to happen to him.

I can look back at what I've written, and sometimes (like right now) I do… and seeing what I wrote yesterday… just in case I didn't make it through, the only thing I wanted anyone to know was that I love Baralai. And yet, I can't even say this to his face.

Yet, I can take him in my arms and hold him and lie to his face by saying everything's going to be alright. How is it going to be alright, exactly? I'd like to know myself. I know that with the four of us together, we'll figure something out. But if we're not together? Then what?

How can I be there for him if we're separated?

Who will tend to Noojster's leg? Who will Paine curl up with when she's drunk?

It's hard to think about being separated from these guys… it's like they're such a huge part of my life right now that I can't imagine what I did before I met them. Maybe I really have grown up, and these three people are all I know of my adulthood… well, besides the cruelty of Yevon and that shadowy figure in the cave.

I think… yeah. I don't know what's going to happen when we start moving again tonight. I have to take every opportunity I have now, even if Baralai acts like he's scared to touch me. It's not the same. I just want him to know that I forgive him for whatever that poison did to him, but he's so… cold. I don't know how to fix it. I can fix any machina that's not working properly, but I have no idea where to start with Lai.