Ten thousand thanks to the fabulous people who reviewed our prior chapter! Proceed to the next installment. We will meet again at the close of the page.
Sometime later that evening, after a full day of shopping escapades, snapping at whistling perverts, and magnificently burning dinner with his first attempt of domesticity (thank God Remus had had prior experience in kitchen fires), Sirius was in desperate need of a break. Being a woman was fun, in its own little way, but everyone needs a release. And, s/he thought, a little more cheerfully, what better release is there than sex?
At the moment, Sirius and Remus were lounging in the living room, Remus reading a newspaper and Sirius staring poignantly at him, perhaps trying to silently bore holes in his head with the message of "I must have sex." However, Remus apparently did not care about his stunning shot at telepathy. Sirius was peeved. Finally, in a moment of weakness, s/he let loose the fatal sigh. Remus glanced up.
"Yes, dear?"
"I'm bored," Sirius complained. "I need to do something."
His/her significant other set down his newspaper, then tapped it with his wand so that it neatly folded itself back together, and got to his feet. "Bored? All right, then. I think we've got some Muggle board games somewhere around here—they're kind of charming. If I remember properly, you're quite the Scrabble player…." But before he could go to the extremely dusty and equally disorganized chamber that was their attic, Sirius shot out his/her smooth, womanly hand and caught him by the back of the robes.
"That," s/he said plaintively, "was not what I meant by doing something." Again, s/he tried to bore pornographic messages into Remus's head which, apparently, registered this time around. An only vaguely characteristically mischievous look cast across his face.
"Ah," he said lightly. "Well, then."
"Yes, well then, indeed." Sirius smiled. "Now, did we go through this buggering transformation trauma for nothing, or are you going to make me feel like a woman?"
Remus returned the smile and helped his boyfriend—girlfriend—otherwise tall and beautiful human being to its feet. With happy stupid grins plastered over their faces, the couple ambled up the stairs and into the bedroom. They locked the doors and shut the windows. Then the trouble began.
"Remus," Sirius said sweetly, "will you undress me?"
"For the sake of romance, I'll do anything, Sirius."
"Oh, but it's not for romance." Sirius grimaced a little. "It's just that I'm not quite sure how to remove this horrible device." His/her fingers thwapped gently at one of the straps of his/her newly purchased bra. Remus stifled a snicker.
"Hmm. A dilemma indeed. Well…." He faltered. "Off with your robes, then. Let's have a look."
Immediately, the equally new robes were unbuttoned and fell to the floor in a silky, sky blue heap. Sirius was left exposed in a set of matching blue flowered bra and panties. Madame Malkins had informed him that they brought out the color in his eyes, which, among other things, freaked him out to no end. He'd bought them just to stop the interfering little woman from prodding that stupid tape measure of hers into extremely off-limits places. Remus stared in awe. "Enjoy it while you can," Sirius muttered. "Pregnancy doesn't bode well with beauty." As an afterthought, he kicked off the panties and waited expectantly.
"Mmm." Remus thoughtfully examined the contraption constraining his boyfriend's breasts. This contraption in itself proved to be so tricky that he didn't even pause to puzzle at the situation's strangeness.
"I was fishing for compliments and consolation," Sirius grumbled. Remus looked up, surprised.
"What? Oh, sorry, you lost me for a minute there." He paused. "You'll have to forgive me….I haven't done this in a while."
"You've done this at all?"
"Let's not get into it right now….it'll threaten the moment. Do you think you could turn around?"
Sirius obeyed, still complaining as s/he pivoted. "The moment? I think the moment's long ruined, Moony. Being a woman is not as easy as it looks."
"Mmm." Remus twiddled unsuccessfully with the clasp. Sirius squirmed. "Hold still. You're making this difficult."
"Couldn't you just alohamora the bloody thing?"
"Sirius, darling, the human spine is formed in such a way that each individual vertebra is, in essence, locked together, and in performing the alohamora, I would run the risk of—"
"I am aware of how the human spine functions," Sirius hissed. "Just get this thing off of me."
"Hmm."
"Remus, please! That's getting very irritating." Sirius cringed at how horribly feminine s/he sounded, and decided to make up for it by doing something equally Neanderthal and masculine. "Look, there's a switchblade on my bedside table—"
"We're going to have to learn how to do this at some point, Sirius! And besides, it's wasteful to sever a perfectly good bra!"
"What's one less bra in the world? I bet I could just get one from Lily—she's reasonably busty and has lingerie coming out of the wazoo—"
"Aha. Got it." Remus triumphantly stretched out his arm in front of Sirius, dangling the lacy blue scrap of fabric from his fingers. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"
Sirius slowly turned back to his (her?) boyfriend's bright and twinkling eyes. Again, the overwhelming lust for sexual release returned. S/he grinned. S/he'd heard (from a wise and ancient grandmother of his) that women got far greater sexual pleasure than men. Time to put that theory to the test! s/he thought eagerly, and swiftly pounced on Remus, knocking him flat onto their bed.
"Oof!" Remus sat rather unintelligently underneath the six foot tall woman residing on his chest. "I think becoming a woman's made you feistier," he commented.
"I know." Sirius grinned happily. "And I'll forgive you for sounding like a mother concluding a sex talk. If you cooperate."
"Sirius?"
"Yes, love?"
"I don't mean to be cheeky, but….I can't have sex with my robes on."
Oh. S/he hadn't thought of that. Sirius compliantly rolled off of Remus and waited very patiently as he unfastened his robes, folded them into quarters, and set them inside their dresser. "I find it very unnerving when you do that," s/he said pointlessly.
Remus shrugged. "Habit. So, where were we?" Again, Sirius pounced, and he found himself pressed between the fluffy comforter and a pair of bare legs. They were very lovely legs, to be sure, but all the same. "I suppose I asked for that, didn't I?"
"You certainly did." Sirius ran his/her fingers through Remus's hair. Remus, in turn, began to sweep his own hands down Sirius's body, stroking the shoulders, the ribs, the waist, the newly rounded backside. Actually, Sirius had decided, it was very nice to have an ass. A usable ass, that is. Masculine hips are utterly worthless when you need to slam a door shut in someone's face. A world of possibilities had been opened! With this cheerful thought, s/he relaxed a little more and lazily kissed Remus on the nose.
"This is nice," Remus murmured.
"Isn't it just?"
"But you realize that we're going to have to do a bit of moving if we want this to work."
Sirius suddenly snapped out of the sexual haze. Remus was giving him/her an extremely pointed look. "What? No! We can't do that! I'm always on the top!"
"Not tonight, I'm afraid. Having a womb pretty much prevents that possibility."
Damn him, Sirius thought, inwardly flinching at the word "womb." He was right, of course. Unless there was some kinky little regime they hadn't yet heard of….perhaps a consultation to Cousin Andromeda was in order….but for now, Sirius reluctantly removed himself and allowed Remus to peel himself off of the bedspread.
"This should be interesting," Remus said happily. "I never get to be on the top…."
"May your chocolate stash be devoured by a swarm of angry doxies," Sirius said plaintively. Remus smiled gently as stooped down to kiss Sirius.
"Now, now. You don't want to think like that. We may be needing that chocolate later…."
Two and a half hours later, the two sat under the sheets, sweaty and warm with a brand new memory to press into their scrapbooks. Though it may have been recorded with more than one mindset….
"Why, why, why did McGonagall have to make me a virgin?" Sirius groaned. Remus chuckled and ruffled Sirius's hair.
"I don't know….maybe because you've never had sex with a woman…."
"And I still haven't had sex with a woman!" Sirius exclaimed. "I was the woman! So why?"
"Just luck, I guess," Remus said drowsily. "Although I must say, no version of the Karma Sutra could have prepared me for that little escapade."
"Yeah, me either." Sirius grumpily pulled the sheets over his legs.
"Sorry. Good night."
"Good for you."
"No need to be snippy….just sleep."
So s/he did. Things did look considerably brighter the next morning. Despite the first moments of agony, Sirius decided that the experience had been very pleasant indeed. Turning over to inform Remus of this revelation, s/he found the other half of the bed empty. Drat. So instead of reassuring his/her boyfriend that he'd actually had a very good time being dominated for the better part of three hours, Sirius rose from the bed and wandered over to the mirror, mildly curious as to what post-sex Sirius looked like as a woman.
Not bad, was the clear and present answer. Quite fantastic, in fact. A delicate rose had set into his/her trademark Black cheekbones, somehow softening their aristocratic sharpness. His/her eyes, were as large and blue as ever, though the lashes surrounding them had become decidedly more lush; the nose and mouth beneath them were softer now—in fact, Sirius mused, everything about him/her had become softer: his/her face, his/her hair, his/her behind….
"Just as beautiful as you were as a man," a voice intoned. Sirius glanced up from his/her figure. In the mirror, s/he could see the reflection of Remus, who was standing in the doorway with a smile and a potion bottle.
"What's that?" Sirius said suspiciously.
"Good morning to you, too." Remus crossed the room and stood on his toes to kiss Sirius's pleasantly un-scratchy cheek. Sirius smiled grudgingly, but still eyed the bottle with a suitable heap of wariness.
"Well?" s/he probed.
Remus regained his balance and lovingly cradled his morning's work. "It'll detect human life when ingested," he said quietly. "Really complicated, actually. Severus Snape's head would have been spinning in circles."
On the mile long list of things that Sirius didn't want to think about before noon, Snape definitely made the top five. Swiftly following was the prospect of having his newly sprouted feminine sexuality snatched away to unwieldy and uncomfortable swellings before he ever got to "find himself" on the other side of the sex chain. "Are—are you sure that I'll have gotten pregnant so soon? On the first try…?"
"Professor McGonagall did say that you were ovulating," Remus shrugged. Sirius winced.
"Don't say that word."
Remus's mouth twitched. "Ovulate?"
"Agh."
"Here." Remus firmly pressed the potion into Sirius's softened palm. Sirius experimentally uncapped it, sniffing at its escaping vapors. "Doggish as ever, even as a woman," the watching boyfriend chided. "Don't worry. It's not as foul-tasting as one might expect."
Sirius glanced up in shock. "You tasted it?"
"Absentmindedly, yes. Probably not such a good idea, looking back, but….are we going to wait her all day?"
"Oh. Right." Sirius raised the green glass bottle. "Cheers," s/he said, and quaffed the potion. Instantly, a stream of light shot out from around Sirius's naval, dangled in the air, and twisted itself into what appeared to be a rapidly shrinking green insect. When it had nearly vanished, the shrinking process suddenly stopped, leaving the petrified-looking woman in shock.
"What the hell is that?" Sirius squeaked. A choked whisper reached his/her ears.
"That's our child."
Sirius didn't even think to blame his new X chromosome for the tears that fell down his/her cheeks.
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