A/N: Sorry for the delay... I kind of shot myself in the foot with the ending to the previous chapter, as I really had no idea what Carter's 'most embarrassing' thing was going to be... then you guys reminded me about some of the 'real' embarrassing situations she's been in on the show... anyway, it was tricky! I worked on one version of this chapter for a few days before deciding to go in a completely different direction with it. That original plan will probably turn into another chapter of 'Inordinate Events,' after I finish this one completely.
This one is long! Very, very long. But it seemed to require more back story and explanation than the previous chapters, although I didn't want to explain too carefully and have it be boring... anyway, I hope you guys like it. It's got flashbacks... lots of them. I hope it's not confusing. After this the rest of the story should be linear. I was getting bored with this, but I did manage to fit in several things I've been wanting to write into a story for quite some time now into this one - I'll let you know which ones they are if you really want to know.
Also, I try to write stories I wouldn't be worried about my stepson reading - which means that most of the more suggestive remarks are vague and clean enough to go over a few heads without (hopefully) being too bad. I also probably rate them higher than they usually need... that being said, there are a few bad words in this chapter but I think they've all appeared on the show before.
Previously…
"Daniel, sir, look… the point is that all that… accident… did was make everyone even more interested than ever in our bad run of luck off-world. Now, maybe the mental picture of the Colonel falling so gracefully out of a net and landing smack-dab on top of Daniel kept everyone amused for a while, but if we manage to get out of our current predicament, things are going to be even more humiliating than ever before!"
She knew she'd regret saying it the moment it was out of her mouth. Sure enough, her CO's immediate response made her blush with the memory it evoked.
"Oh, I don't know about that, Carter. Just last week you said you'd never been more embarrassed in your life."
Ch 5: Get Carter
Last Week…
"I've never been more embarrassed in my life," Carter groaned, covering her eyes with her hands despite the fact that it made the IV in the back of her left hand smart.
"It's not that bad, Sam," Daniel tried to comfort her, squeezing her foot through the thin infirmary blanket. He was sitting sideways on the foot of her gurney. Teal'c stood next to her IV rack with his hands clasped behind his back, and her CO was perched on a stool near her pillow, fiddling with Dr. Fraiser's penlight.
"Yeah… and don't you think you're being a little overdramatic, Carter? I mean, aren't you forgetting that time you went all cave-woman and jumped me in the locker room?"
She let her hands drop to her sides (her arms felt noodly) and tried to glare at him. She figured, based on the fact that he laughed at her, that she was still a little bit too full of drugs to glare properly.
"Yeah, and what about the time you drank that stuff on P3X595 and took off your…" Daniel supplied helpfully.
"Daniel!" she objected, fixing him with a glare. He looked sufficiently rebuked, so apparently her glare wasn't completely useless.
"You appear to be yourself once again, Major Carter," Teal'c said, speaking in a soothing tone. "Should you not focus on that?"
"I guess," Sam grumbled, plucking at her blanket and frowning down at the hospital gown someone had changed her into.
Janet Fraiser entered and quickly surveyed SG-1. "All right, boys, clear out." She narrowed her eyes at O'Neill and snatched her penlight from him. "I've been looking for this, sir!"
"Is Sam okay?" Daniel asked, looking worried.
"Get out of here so I can examine her and then I'll let you know," Janet said, picking up Sam's chart and glancing at it.
"Oh come on, doc, lighten up, we just want to make sure she's okay…"
"As do I, Colonel. So if you'll excuse us…"
Daniel chimed in rather unhelpfully with, "Come on, it's not like there's anything left to hide at this point, Sam…"
Sam considered trying to kill Daniel (or herself) with her pillow, but doubted she had enough strength at the moment. She expected her CO to follow up Daniel's smart comment with one of his own, so she was surprised when he smacked Daniel's arm and pointed him at the door instead.
"Doc, when you're finished up here and Carter, when you're feeling up to it… well, General Hammond wants to hear your um… side of the story."
He shoved Daniel out the door and flashed an encouraging smile in her general direction but shifted his eyes so that they didn't quite meet hers, settling for a few moments on her nose and forehead instead. Teal'c met her eyes for a fraction of a second as he bowed slightly on his way out, but even he seemed to be in a hurry to go and reluctant to look her in the face.
"God, Janet, just kill me now!" Sam said dramatically once they were alone, rubbing carefully at the raw skin on both her wrists.
Her friend and doctor looked at her and gave her a sympathetic smile as she put her stethoscope in her ears. "I'm sure it's not that bad, Sam… at least you didn't get the mother of all STDs from eating alien cake and sleeping with an alien only a couple of weeks old… and don't even get me started on Daniel…"
"Yeah… I guess we've all had our share of embarrassing incidents off-world… it's just that lately they've been happening more and more. But at least they were group embarrassments… oh God. Speaking of that… any word on the latest pools? Have they… already heard about what happened this time?"
"Well, apparently the pool is getting really big. You guys keep throwing everyone for a loop. Some of the predictions are getting pretty out there… but nobody in their right mind would have bet money that you'd be tied up by your own CO! What the hell happened out there, Sam?"
"I wish I could remember all of it... Then again maybe it's better that I don't. Better let them back in, Jan, so we can get our stories straight for Hammond."
"Only if you let me stay and listen," Janet bargained.
"Fine."
vvvvvvvvvvvvv
Flashback… yes, a flashback within the flashback. Terrible, isn't it?
"Daniel… would it be bad for diplomatic relations if we skipped out on this little 'party in our honor' tonight?" Jack asked. He was stretched out on his back in the P63C39 version of his hotel room. These 'information exchanges' were always so boring. Well, boring if your name wasn't Daniel Jackson or Sam Carter. They were both right as rain. Teal'c had been doing a lot more kel'no reeming than he usually did. Jack had spent most of the past several days babysitting his scientists and avoiding the really boring (yet perfectly hospitable) denizens.
Daniel, who was voluntarily putting on the local duds for the party, turned from the mirror and looked at Jack with his 'use extra patience with Jack today' face. "Yes, Jack. That would be bad."
"These guys are so… lame though. I'm willing to bet they're using the term 'party' really loosely here."
"Jack…" Daniel started. He trailed off as Teal'c entered the room.
"Um, Teal'c, I believe your job for the day was 'keep an eye on Carter,"" Jack commented, looking around the large Jaffa dramatically for their fourth team member. "And I don't see her, so… where's Carter? Please do not tell me she convinced you she has to stay in the alien lab all night long doing… whatever it is she does in alien labs all night long."
"I left her next door in her own quarters, O'Neill," Teal'c stated calmly.
"She's not playing dress-up too is she?"
"I do not believe so."
"How'd it go today with Alam?" Daniel asked Teal'c casually as he cleaned off his glasses.
"As predicted. Major Carter continues to be charmingly oblivious to his attentions."
"Huh?" Jack asked quickly, looking back and forth between the two of them.
"Oh come on, Jack… you didn't notice that scientist guy that's been following her around since we got here?"
"The shrimpy little guy?"
"Yeah. She's predictably oblivious to his er… infatuation… and he's probably going to be a little bit upset when he figures out she's just that nice to everyone."
"Wait, so…" He trailed off as the connecting door to Carter's room opened and she joined them and stopped just inside the door, looking at all of them suspiciously.
"What?" she asked hesitantly.
"Nothing," Jack and Daniel said together, both giving her 'we weren't just talking about you' looks.
She shrugged and leaned against the dresser, waiting for Daniel to put on his shoes. Jack got to his feet with a slight groan and surveyed his team. "All right, now, let's not forget the rules tonight. No drinking or eating anything we didn't bring."
"Jack… that's so rude, we've been here for days and they've been nothing but nice..."
"Daniel, I don't care. They're welcome to any of the rations and delicious water we brought with us, but nobody goes near anything alien."
"Even if they have cake, sir?" Carter asked with a grin.
"Watch it, Major," he warned, nudging them all out the door. The sooner they got to this little shindig the sooner they could leave.
vvvvvvvvvvvv
It didn't take long for Jack to remember who Alam was. He was the little beady-eyed guy trailing after Carter with a look on his face that might have been funny if it wasn't so disturbingly pathetic. Not entirely unusual… but this time it looked like Teal'c had picked up two little admirers of his own.
That was a bit of a twist… unless they happened to be hanging out with Jaffa priestesses or whatever, Daniel was usually the one with alien girls following him around. Teal'c was pretending not to notice the attentions of the female scientist and historian they'd been working with for the past few days.
Carter noticed her CO checking his watch for about the tenth time since they'd arrived, and made her way over towards him, absently accepting the bottle of their own water that Alam had insisted on fetching.
"Sir? I think this building is structurally sound, I don't think you need to keep holding up the wall," she tried, leaning back against the wall next to him and surveying the large room. For a party, it was remarkably quiet. Everyone seemed to be following the 'six inch voice' rule.
He smiled sarcastically and said, "Very cute. Can't we just tell them it's past our bedtime on Earth and get going?"
"Daniel thinks we should stay a little bit longer, sir. What did General Hammond say when you contacted him this evening?"
"Oh, the usual. He refused to tell me the hockey scores from the game I missed, told us to be careful, yadda yadda yadda."
"I see. Well…" she trailed off as Alam reappeared with some sort of alien fruit that looked a little bit like pineapple but smelled more like herring.
He offered it to them hopefully. Carter busied herself drinking her water so she didn't have to be impolite, leaving her CO, who had no problem in that department to refuse the fish-smelling fruit and say, "Sorry, we're on a strict diet back on Earth… there's a wicked little lady with an arsenal of needles at her disposal that would have a fit if she knew we were tasting alien delicacies."
Alam looked a little bit confused but smiled and said, "Of course." He turned his attention to Jack, who was scowling at him, and said, "Colonel O'Neill, you should have joined us in the lab today. Major Carter was most fascinated by our research into…"
The little guy continued catching Jack up on what he'd missed that day, with obvious enthusiasm. Jack tuned him out immediately, glancing at his 2IC. He smiled in surprise; she was clearly doing the same thing. Usually she was more polite and discreet, on the rare occasions when she found herself just as bored as he was. He was even more surprised when she suddenly interrupted Alam's rambling by saying, "Would you excuse us please?"
"Wh… oh, um, of course. Sure. I'll be back later." Alam joined another little group of people, with a confused-puppy look that was apparently universal.
"You okay, Carter?" Jack asked carefully.
"Yeah, of course. But I was with the guy all day, sir, do I really need to hear him repeat everything I already heard?"
"No. No you don't. Are you sure you feel okay?"
She nodded and finished off her bottle of water. He looked at her carefully for a few moments and nodded. Everyone was allowed to be a little impatient now and then, after all. He certainly didn't have the market cornered on that… he realized she was staring at the top of his head. "What?" he asked, self-consciously running a hand through his hair.
"Nothing, sir." She looked away quickly and was trying to hide a smile. "Your hair looks good like that. I'm going to go find Daniel."
She walked away with a little bounce in her step that wasn't usually there when she was in uniform. He watched her go, slightly confused by her behavior and more certain than ever that they should all go get some sleep. Soon.
vvvvvvvvvvvv
Daniel smiled at Sam as she joined him. He was speaking with one of the local historians, Phint, and his wife, who was called Idin. "Hey, Sam, how's it going?"
"Fine. Especially since I lost that Alam guy for a little while."
Daniel glanced at the people he was talking to nervously. That was a very Jack-ish thing to say right in front of their new allies. "You okay?"
"Yeah… why?"
"No reason. You look a little flushed is all…"
"Nope. I'm fine." She smiled brightly at him and hugged him around the shoulders impulsively.
Daniel made his puzzled face at her for a moment and said, "Um, Sam, why don't you go find Teal'c, and I'll go see if Jack's getting ready to go settle in for the night?"
"Okay," Sam said cheerfully. "But he's way more than ready, you know that." She pecked him on the cheek and hurried off.
Daniel turned back to the couple he had been speaking with, giving them a slightly nervous smile. "She's uh - she tends to get a little overworked when we visit new places. Would you excuse me, please?"
vvvvvvvvvvvvv
Teal'c had successfully evaded the two local women who were cultivating inappropriate feelings for him. He was too amused by their attentions to be flattered, as O'Neill had suggested. Combined, the two young women were not even half of his age. It was rather ridiculous.
He was glad to see Major Carter approaching him. She looked much more relaxed than she usually allowed herself to become while they were on an off-world assignment. "Teal'c! Hey, there ya are!" she exclaimed happily, hugging his arm and slipping her hand into his much larger one, swinging their arms as Cassandra Fraiser used to do when she was young.
He looked down at her in alarm with his eyebrow raised. "Major Carter, are you unwell?" he asked quietly.
"I'm fine!" she exclaimed, rolling her eyes in a very exaggerated fashion. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
"You do not seem to be yourself right now, Major Carter," Teal'c said patiently, trying to steer her towards the other two members of their team, who were speaking quietly to each other and looking over at her with obvious concern. Clearly they had noticed her unusual behavior as well. "Major Carter, let us join Colonel O'Neill and Daniel Jackson."
"Okay." She hugged his arm again and looked up at him with a huge smile. "You're like the strongest person in the world, Teal'c!"
"And you are most definitely not yourself, Major Carter," he muttered as they began making their way through the room to the rest of their team.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
"Carter, your cheeks are bright red!" Jack exclaimed, pressing the back of his fingers to her forehead once Teal'c had half-dragged her over to them.
"Maybe it's embarrassment," Daniel muttered to him, blinking in surprise as Sam swatted Jack's hand away and muttered something that sounded a lot like 'mother hen'. Could have been 'other men,' Daniel supposed, but that didn't make much sense.
"Did you eat anything, Carter?" Jack asked sharply.
"No, of course not! Why, did you?"
"Did you drink anything?"
"Nope. Just Colonel O'Neill-approved bottled water from Colorado Springs, Colorado!"
Jack and Daniel both looked at each other slowly, then back at her. Something was clearly wrong with her, but they didn't know what.
"Something airborne, maybe?" Daniel guessed.
"She appears to be the only one affected, in the entire room," Teal'c stated, pressing a steadying hand on her shoulder as she somehow tripped while standing completely still.
"She looks… kind of wasted," Jack observed, clearly choosing his words carefully.
"I am not wasted!" Sam objected indignantly, scowling at him.
"Sorry. Of course you're not. Let's all go back to our rooms and… figure out what we're going to do about this."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvv
By the time they got back to their rooms, Carter seemed to be saying whatever popped into her head. She was acting sort of like a little kid after eating way too much candy. A kid with ADD. At an amusement park. And maybe the kid had a couple of drinks in her too.
She informed Daniel that he should really think about getting Lasik eye surgery, since his allergies made contact lenses uncomfortable, and went into a diatribe about how much better he looked without his glasses and how he was always breaking and losing them anyway. By the time she finished, with a very loud and insistent, "And they're always slightly crooked!" Jack was feeling sorry for poor Daniel, who had done nothing to bring on the sudden attack.
She asked Teal'c if he used waterproof eyeliner and if so, what brand, and was it delivered to the base on a regular basis, or did he have Daniel or the Colonel pick it up for him? Teal'c refused to answer.
It would have been funny if it wasn't so disturbing. And nobody had come up with a good reason as to why she was the only one having a problem.
They all filed into her room. She looked around it and rolled her eyes. "There's nothing to do in here!"
"There's lots to do in here," Jack said. "Like sit down and talk to us so we can figure out what's wrong with you."
"There's nothing wrong with me!"
"Jack, maybe you should stop bringing that up," Daniel muttered quietly, going over to Sam's neat pile of things. He rummaged around for a bottle of water and brought it to her. "Here, drink this, Sam," he said gently, handing it to her.
She took it but didn't drink it, collapsing dramatically on her bed instead and complaining, "This is boring."
"Not for us," Daniel couldn't help but comment. She didn't seem that bad really, just… not like herself.
Jack was staring at her hand. Actually, he was staring at the bottle of water in her hand. "Alam," he muttered.
"The scientist?" Daniel asked.
"Yeah… I think he's behind this."
"Jack… aren't you being a little paranoid?"
"No. He's been sticking to her like glue, he might have noticed if it was someone else. And he gave her the only thing I saw her eat or drink while we were there."
"Why would he…"
"I don't know. But I think we need to go have a little chat with Alam."
"No, that guy is soooooooooooo boring!" Sam objected, grabbing one of Jack's arms and one of Daniel's in an attempt to make them stay there. "Stay here, we'll play a game or something. Colonel, you've always got a deck of cards with you - we can play poker… oh, strip poker!"
"Okay, that's it. Daniel, stay with Carter, Teal'c, we're gonna go…"
"Jack, don't leave me alone with her!" Daniel begged, and suddenly Jack had a scientist clinging desperately to each of his arms.
Jack looked back and forth between the two of them and nodded. There was no way Daniel could handle her by himself. "Okay. Teal'c, stay with Carter."
"Very well," Teal'c agreed, nodding.
"Carter… try to get some sleep."
"Not tired!" she said cheerfully, patting him on the arm before finally releasing it. She started a closer inspection of the room, apparently hoping somebody had come in while they were gone and left her something interesting to play with.
"Great," Jack muttered as he and Daniel left the room and headed back to the gathering.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Infirmary
"I remember all of that - it was kind of like being drunk," Sam commented. "It was like… in the back of my mind I knew I should shut the hell up but I just couldn't make myself care enough to stop talking."
"Yeah, well… we found Alam and he admitted adding some 'flavor' to your water - apparently he uh… Daniel?"
"He thought you were being professional and hiding an interest in him and that if he gave you that stuff you'd um, open up a bit," Daniel tried to explain.
"What was it anyway?" Sam asked them.
Jack shrugged and said, "Doc?"
"The tests aren't completely conclusive yet. It's similar to sodium pentathol and pure adrenaline."
Sam looked down at her shoulder, which was sore and had a small bruise over a puncture mark, and had a vague recollection of her CO injecting her with something. "You tried to give me an antidote, didn't you sir?"
"Yeah… we made Alam give us one and by the time we got back to you, poor Teal'c was about ready to zat you…"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
P63C39
"Looks like we got here just in time," Daniel said quietly as they entered Sam's room again. She was jumping on the bed in her tee-shirt and underpants, trying to get Teal'c to join her.
"Teal'c, come on, it's fun! And the ceiling is high enough, you won't bang your head! Come on, don't be a party pooper! Hey, Teal'c? Teal'c, come on! I won't tell the Colonel if you wanna jump on the bed a little. You don't wanna look uncool, that's okay, I understand! Come on, we…" she paused in her jumping long enough to notice that Jack and Daniel had returned and said brightly, "Oh, hi guys! What's up?"
"You, apparently," Jack said dryly, concealing the antidote Alam had given them in his hand. "Come here a minute, Carter."
"You come up here, sir! You can jump with me if you want… oh but it might not be good for your knees. Never mind, you're uninvited. Daniel, take off your shoes!"
"Carter! Get over here now. Please." Jack was about two seconds away from throwing up his hands in resignation and spending the evening laughing his ass off at her behavior. Only the thought of how mortified she would be whenever she was back to normal, and how pissed off she'd be if she remembered they'd enjoyed her predicament, kept him on track. He was in full-on stern-CO mode, barking out orders like they were at boot camp, as it was the only thing that was appearing to have the slightest bit of control over her.
Frowning and mumbling things that were definitely insubordinate, she nevertheless followed the order.
"Good. Now, I'm just going to give you a little shot and…" he started, taking the syringe that Daniel had discreetly handed him from their medical kit and filling it with the antidote.
He was still slightly nervous about injecting his 2IC with an essentially unknown substance, but after interrogating Alam thoroughly, he had to admit the guy really hadn't meant any harm, and that he was concerned about Carter's condition as well. Still, it had been fun watching Daniel punch him in the face…
"A shot?" Carter shrieked, diving behind Daniel and attempting to use him as a shield.
"I'm not crazy about them either, Major, but it'll help you. Now come on."
"No way!"
"Daniel," Jack ordered with a nod.
Daniel nodded and got out of Carter's grip with a twist and turn she herself had taught him several years ago. Unfortunately it didn't work completely, as Carter had never taught Daniel every move she had. Jack, with the syringe in his hand, couldn't interfere, and they were wrestling around so much (while Carter giggled) that Teal'c was reluctant to interfere and risk injuring either of them accidentally.
"He's never gonna get her," Jack said after a few moments. "Teal'c, get in there. Guys, just hold her still."
Teal'c quickly restrained her, pinning both arms behind her back, both of her wrists held tightly in one of his hands, in an iron grip. Daniel jumped away from her rubbing his ribs, which she'd elbowed solidly in their little scuffle.
"Okay, now, Major, this is going to hurt a helluva lot more if you keep squirming around," Jack warned, grabbing a pre-soaked cotton ball and moving towards her. She tried to get away from Teal'c again when she saw the needle, throwing her weight back and kicking with her legs. Jack rolled his eyes. "CARTER! Be still or we're restraining you! That's an ORDER, MAJOR!"
She went still then but she was glaring at him so angrily he had to look away. He tugged at the sleeve of her tee-shirt until her shoulder was exposed, disinfected the area, and gave her the shot.
"OUCH! That hurt!" she exclaimed angrily.
Jack disposed of the syringe and turned back to them, surveying her closely. Nothing was happening. "Okay, T… you can let her go."
"Perhaps that would not be wise, O'Neill," Teal'c suggested.
"Hey, Sam?" Daniel asked suddenly, speaking for the first time in several minutes.
"What?"
"Why'd you take off your pants?"
"It's really hot in here," she stated, rolling her eyes and looking at Daniel like he was quite possibly the dumbest person she'd ever met.
"I warned her that if she removed any more clothing I would be forced to restrain her," Teal'c told them.
Jack and Daniel both raised their eyebrows, wondering how much more she would have taken off with Teal'c right there. It was probably best left to the imagination.
"Which you're doing right now anyway!" Sam pointed out.
"Teal'c, let go of her, now," Jack repeated.
"Very well."
Teal'c released her wrists and stepped away from her, fearing retaliation for restraining her, but all she did was scowl at him and cross her arms over her chest. "Well, not that having a needle stuck in me isn't a laugh riot, but…" she started sarcastically as she headed towards her pack.
She never finished the sentence. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed. Jack caught her awkwardly and moved her to the bed, which was extremely low to the ground. His back and knees screamed we hate you, O'Neill! at him as he lowered her dead weight to the mattress (or whatever these alien guys used for mattresses - they were kind of like Styrofoam).
Daniel sat down next to her immediately and checked her pulse and temperature. "She's asleep… she seems okay as far as I can tell, but Alam didn't say this would happen."
"Maybe she's just crashed from using up so much energy," Jack said nervously. He ran a hand through his hair, frowning down at her.
"Teal'c… you and Daniel go back to Alam and tell him what happened, find out what you can. Bring him back with you only if you absolutely have to."
Teal'c nodded. He was glad to be given this assignment - although Major Carter was currently unconscious, he did not like the possibility of having to monitor her again if she woke up in the same state of mind.
"Oh, yeah, get samples of the first thing he gave her and the antidote too. Fraiser will need those."
"Come, Daniel Jackson. We will move quickly, O'Neill."
vvvvvvvvvvvvv
Infirmary
"Teal'c made us run all the way back to Alam's place," Daniel grumbled.
"You needed the conditioning," Jack said with an unconcerned shrug.
"That's the last thing I really remember," Sam said thoughtfully. "I mean, passing out. There are a few random images of us getting back to the Stargate and… stuff…" she blushed as she said 'stuff.' Jack didn't blame her. "But… nothing really clear, everything's kind of like a dream until I woke up here."
"Any idea why she reacted so violently to the antidote yet, Doc?" Jack asked.
"Not exactly, although I'm inclined to agree with Dr. Jackson, that it was originally intended to counter the effects of the first stimulant. Something in it just reacted badly to something in Sam, and just sort of intensified the effect of the original drug - kind of like contracting the flu from a flu shot. I need to do about three more days worth of tests on it, but I'm working on the assumption, for the time being at least, that it's at least partially due to the naquadah in her blood."
"Whatever it is, I'm fine now," Sam interrupted. "Just… tell me what happened after I woke up from the antidote."
The three men of SG-1 looked at each other nervously. "Umm, Jack, it looks like you're up," Daniel said with a smug smile.
vvvvvvvvvvvvv
P63C39
Jack checked his watch for the tenth time and wondered when Daniel and Teal'c would be back. If they didn't have any brilliant solutions, he was sending them straight to the Stargate to get Dr. Fraiser. He glanced at his watch again and crossed the little room to the bed. He checked his 2IC's pulse and temperature again - she was a little more warm than normal, but her breathing was normal and her heart rate was good. She really just seemed to be asleep.
He thought about trying to get her back into her pants, but decided that was just too weird. He went into his, Daniel's, and Teal'c's room, grabbed one of their blankets, and covered her with it, then sat down on the floor across from her, leaning against the dresser. He bent his knees in his usual wide, sitting-on-the-ground stance, and checked his watch again.
Carter kicked the blanket off violently and sat up. She scanned the room quickly and her eyes stopped on him.
"Hey Carter," he said carefully.
"Hi," she answered, biting her lip as though she was trying hard to remember something.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, getting to his feet but not moving closer to her yet.
"Okay. Where are Daniel and Teal'c?"
"They went to talk to Alam."
"That smarmy, beady-eyed little…" she started.
"Yeah, I'm not a big fan either," Jack said cautiously. He couldn't figure out if she was back to normal or not. Right now she looked more bewildered than anything else. "Do you want some water?" he tried.
"Is that supposed to be a joke, sir? You know, most of the time you're pretty funny but sometimes you're just downright… inconsiderate!" She rubbed her shoulder where he'd given her the shot, and looked like she might cry. Or punch him. Possibly both.
He'd prefer it if she did neither. "Sorry… I wasn't thinking."
She snorted and said, "So what else is new?"
"Hey, easy Major."
She rolled her eyes and demanded, "So, it's okay for you to make 'Carter has no life' jokes but I'm not allowed to make one little comment about something that's completely ridiculous anyway?'
Apparently the antidote hadn't worked.
"Um… what?"
"You know what I'm talking about," she accused. "You propagate the 'dumb Colonel' bullshit yourself in the first place - why does it bother you if I further the myth?"
He spent a moment marvelling at her vocabulary even when under the effects of alien drugs and said, "Because, CARTER, there's nobody here but us at the moment."
"So what?"
"So…" he shifted on his feet uncomfortably, sticking his hands in his pockets. He wasn't entirely sure what the drugs were doing to her but she seemed almost incapable of lying, and he felt like it would be really unfair to lie to her while she was like that. "Look… just because I kind of encourage… or at least don't discourage… the 'bullshit' you so colourfully referred to… I don't want any of the members of my team believing it's really true."
"We don't," she said quickly with a big smile, crossing the room to him quickly and patting him on the cheek reassuringly. "We know you're full of shit, Colonel," she added sweetly.
He rolled his eyes but used her close proximity to feel her forehead again, frowning when he realized the fever was back and seemed even higher than before. "You're still hot."
She twined her arms around his neck and said, "Aww, you're still hot too, sir."
He pried her arms off of him, surprised at how strong she was, saying, "Ohforcryinoutloud, that's not what I meant… but thanks… but… Carter!"
"Yes?"
He started talking very, very fast. Even Daniel would have been impressed. "You're… you're under the effects of an alien substance and you don't know what you're saying or have no control over it or something I don't know exactly yet but if you were in your right mind you wouldn't be looking at me like that and when you're back to yourself if you remember this you're going to be furious and embarrassed and…"
"How come you're the one who stayed with me, sir?" she interrupted, apparently choosing to ignore everything he was saying.
"Bad knees. Teal'c can run faster. You scared Daniel to death. Now. Go sit down somewhere and just… be quiet. And put your clothes back on. All of them. Shoes even."
"Why?"
"Because… we're going back to the gate as soon as Daniel and Teal'c get back."
"But I thought I had a fever, are you sure it's safe for me to walk all the way back to the gate? It might be smarter to just stay put."
The tone of her voice was completely off for that type of remark. Off for Carter in general. She said it like it was a pick-up line. He gave her shoulders a little shove to put some more space between them and winced when her hand went back to the spot on her shoulder. He felt a twinge of guilt at giving her the shot that had apparently only made her worse, then making the wound smart by pushing her there again.
"Umm… well, if you have trouble with it the rest of us will help you. Pants, Carter. Now."
"You know, you're kind of a wet blanket, Colonel, especially for someone who's always teasing the rest of us for being boring," she grumped as she located her previously discarded pants and pulled them back on.
"Yeah, well…" he started defensively. He stopped and frowned. "Just sit down, put your socks and shoes on, and be quiet until Daniel and Teal'c get back."
Based on the death glare she shot at him while she reluctantly obeyed all of his orders, he had really pissed her off. But it was certainly better than the alternative.
She sat down on the bed and continued to scowl at him. He sat back down in front of the dresser and looked back at her evenly. His frown deepened as the situation reminded him of when she'd first got Jolinar and Hammond had made him interrogate her.
"What?" she asked.
"Just… thinking of something bad."
"What?"
"Why are you so nosey?"
"Why are you answering my questions with questions?"
"Carter… be quiet. Please."
She was quiet for nearly two full minutes. Then she got to her feet and started pacing the room, almost but not quite stomping with each step. "This is so boring!"
"Well, neither one of us is leaving this room, so just find something with which to keep yourself occupied. Preferably something that doesn't require a lot of talking."
He realized as soon as he'd said it that it was a mistake. She turned to him with a look that he'd never seen on her face before (not in real life at least) and said, "Well, I can think of lots of things that would keep us both occupied, sir. Happily occupied, no talking required…"
"Carter, shut up! For the love of God, shut the hell up!" he ordered, clapping his hands over his ears and squeezing his eyes shut.
Closing his eyes was a very stupid tactical error, because he couldn't see or hear her, so he wasn't expecting it when her fingers closed around his wrists and she pulled his hands away from his ears. He opened his eyes and groaned at her proximity and the look on her face. He struggled to remember what he was supposed to be doing for several seconds and finally got it.
"Carter, listen to me very carefully. You can glare at me like you hate me now all you want, I don't really care. At least you won't hate me when you're back to normal. Now, you're going to go sit down on your bed and stay there - silently - until I tell you to get up. You can either follow the order yourself or I'll get out the restraints. You have three seconds to choose, starting right now."
To her credit, she really did seem to be trying to do what he told her. He could see it, way in the back of her eyes. She almost succeeded too. Then her gaze went kind of fuzzy again and she smirked. "I wouldn't have thought you'd be into the whole 'strap a woman to the bed' thing, Colonel, alth…"
He sighed and moved quickly, spinning her around by the shoulders, clamping a hand firmly over her mouth, and pinning her to him before she could do anything other than give a muffled scream and grab uselessly at his forearms. He looked around the room and located her pack while she struggled. She'd have some ties in there - after the fiasco on the Unas planet with Rothman they all carried them. But getting her over there without her getting away was going to be tricky, and she was probably so pissed off at him now that she might even try to run away.
With her so close to him, he could tell she still had a pretty high fever too, and he was concerned she was going to overexert herself and pass out again.
She went limp suddenly and he immediately took his hand off her mouth to check her pulse, relaxing the arm that pinned her to him. "Carter? Y'okay?" he started. She stomped on his foot and started trying to get away again. He swore loudly but it was more from the situation than pain - he was wearing his boots after all.
She was laughing. "I can't believe you fell for that, sir, it's the oldest trick in the book!"
He dragged her over to her pack and grabbed it quickly with one hand, dropped it on the dresser, and started rummaging through it blindly, figuring the ties had worked their way down towards the bottom. "You know, I do feel sorry that this happened to you, Carter, but you're not exactly making me feel too bad about enjoying this just a little bit."
"We could enjoy this a lot if you'd just…"
"SHUT UP," he growled, but he was having trouble holding onto her and looking for the ties at the same time anyway, so there was no way he could cover her mouth again. He let out a triumphant cry when his fingers closed over the little group of plastic tie restraints. He pulled them out, ripped off the little strip that bound them together with his teeth, and grabbed them. "I'll do them in front if you can be nice about it," he offered.
"You know, Colonel, there's something I've often wanted to say to you and now seems like the perfect opportunity to do it…"
Great. She was about as un-Carter as it was possible to be and she was still smart enough to figure out he wouldn't report her for insubordination. She really did have a free pass to say whatever she wanted at the moment. He was just worried she'd eventually say something out loud now that she'd really regret forever. If she chose now to start vocalizing all those unspoken things between them… he wasn't sure what it would do to whatever messed up non-relationship they had now but he knew it wouldn't be good.
"BITE ME, SIR."
Well, that settled that. He was almost relieved that was what she wanted to say. Of course, it meant she was getting cuffed from behind rather than the front. He slipped the ties around both her wrists and tightened them, making sure she couldn't get loose but that they weren't pinching into her skin.
"Daniel! Teal'c! Save me from this deranged lunatic!" Sam started pleading suddenly.
Jack looked to the doorway, surprised. Teal'c and Daniel were standing there, looking very surprised to find their CO actually physically restraining her.
"She was completely out of control…" he started to explain.
"Not completely," Sam started. "Not for lack of trying though, b…"
Jack clamped a hand over her mouth again and stated, "It had to be done."
"Indeed," Teal'c agreed. "I too considered it but when I was guarding Major Carter she did not appear to be a danger to herself… or to me."
Sam licked Jack's hand. "Ew! Dammit, Carter!" he wiped his hand on his pants, freeing her mouth for speaking again.
She focused her attention on Teal'c and gushed, "Aw, Teal'c, I'd never hurt you! You're like the best big brother I could ever have. And you're really big, brother!"
"I am old enough to be your grandfather, Major Carter," he reminded her patiently.
She shrugged and said, "How about doing one of your brotherly duties and kicking this big bully's ass for me, huh? And then letting me out of these things?"
"I cannot, Major Carter. I must abide by O'Neill's decision."
"Come on… I love you, Teal'c! And… oh forget it." Realizing Teal'c would not be persuaded to help her, she turned to Daniel with a huge grin. "Daniel… my sweet, adorable baby brother… you'll help me, won't you?"
"Sam, I'm older than you," he reminded her, although Jack thought he looked pleased with the label anyway.
"Oh, that's not important, Daniel, all that matters is that I love you so much, you're like a little brother and a puppy all in one! And you're so smart, Daniel, please tell our dearly beloved CO that he can cut these off now? I'll be good, I swear."
Daniel wavered and said, "Jack, maybe…"
"Ack!"
"But…"
"Daniel, don't even! Carter, stop trying to manipulate Daniel! Daniel… tell me what Alam said."
Daniel nodded. "He said the antidote can make you sleepy, although he's never heard of anyone passing out so quickly. He seemed really surprised, and worried. But she seems okay now… physically, I mean. She's obviously still… afflicted."
"Yeah, that's putting it mildly. Okay, new plan. We're all going to the Stargate. We'll talk to Fraiser, get the all-clear to bring her back, and let the doc sort her out."
"That's probably going to mean more needles, isn't it?" Sam piped up.
"Yup. Boys, grab your gear. T, you'll have to carry Carter's crap too. Carter… I'm going to let go of you now. If you don't walk along with us quietly, I'll tie your legs together too and you can bunny hop your way back to the gate." It was an empty threat, but she looked intimidated by it enough that she nodded and stood still when he let go of her.
"Jack, you can't…" Daniel started to object. His objection seemed to make Carter realize it was something he'd never really do.
"Fine, I won't do that, but I will have Teal'c throw you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes."
Sam gulped and nodded, knowing he would do it, and waited patiently while everyone gathered their things. "If you cut my hands free I could carry my own pack," she tried when they were all ready to go.
"I don't think so. As it is I'm not sure I trust you to stay with the group. All right boys, it's dark out there… Teal'c, you're behind Carter, I want you watching her six at all times…"
"I thought that was your job, sir," Carter said innocently.
"Carter… one more comment like that and I'm turning Danny's bandana into a gag," Jack said seriously. The idea just occurred to him, but it was actually a pretty good one.
"Jack, I wore that all day, it probably doesn't taste very good," Daniel objected.
"All the more incentive for Carter to keep her mouth shut by herself then," Jack said, putting on his baseball cap.
"I am not letting you put something that Daniel's sweated all over in my mouth!" Carter argued. She smirked suddenly and said, "And if the rumors some of the nurses have started about the two of you are true, that actually leaves out quite a few interesting possib…"
Daniel looked stunned and turned bright red. Jack snatched his bandana from its pocket and waved it in her face. "Pretty ripe, isn't it? Don't test me on this, Carter, I'll do it."
"I don't want my bandana in Sam's mouth anymore than she wants it there!" Daniel said, snatching it out of Jack's fingers. He stuffed it back into his pocket and said, "As the bard advised, 'neither a borrower nor a lender be.'"
Jack rolled his eyes, muttered, "Geek," and spun Carter around to face the door.
"Okay…" He curled his fingers around her arm, just above the elbow, and nodded to Daniel. "Grab her other arm."
"I don't think this is necessary," Daniel mumbled, but he did as ordered. The most important thing was to get her to Dr. Fraiser as fast as possible. Arguing with Jack would just waste time.
As they stepped outside, Teal'c asked, "Daniel Jackson, what is a 'lenderbee?'"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Infirmary
"So…" Janet said finally, snapping her clipboard shut. "That explains why I was summoned to the Gateroom in the middle of the night to watch the Colonel and Daniel frogmarch you down the ramp. Don't worry about it, Sam, I'm sure the General will completely understand."
"I know he will, it's just…"
"Embarrassing," all four members of SG-1 said together.
Sam yawned, hid it behind her hand quickly, and glanced at Janet, hoping she hadn't noticed. Of course, she had. "Okay, boys, story time is over and Sam needs to get to sleep," she told them firmly.
There were the customary grumbles from Daniel and Colonel O'Neill, but they got to their feet anyway. The three male members of SG-1 said goodnight to her and filed out of the infirmary.
Janet checked Sam's vitals once more, looking down at her tired friend. She'd been through an exhausting ordeal, that was certain. Dr. Fraiser knew her patient needed to rest, but Janet had one more question she wanted answered from Sam.
"Sam… you were gagged with Daniel's bandana when you came through the Stargate," Janet reminded her.
Sam turned bright red and said, "W-was I? I don't remember…"
It was almost a convincing lie. But she looked so sheepish and embarrassed that Janet didn't buy it.
"Sam…" Janet tried to control a suspicious smile. "What did you say on the way back to the gate?"
"Nothing," Sam said quickly.
"Sam? Come on, I've got to know!"
O'Neill poked his head back in the infirmary. "Carter? Does that selective memory of yours need to be reminded that I gave you a direct order not to repeat what you said to Dr. Fraiser?"
"No, sir!" she said quickly, looking immensely relieved to have a good excuse. Sometimes, what happened between SG-1 had to stay between SG-1. It was the only cliché the Colonel actually approved of.
Janet scowled at the both of them. "Get out of my infirmary, Colonel."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Sir?" Sam called as he disappeared. He peeked in the door again. "Thank you, sir."
He winked and said, "Good night, ladies" before leaving them once more.
Janet scowled down at Sam, who was pretending to be sound asleep. Oh well - she might not have got to hear the whole story, but she did collect a nice chunk of change in the pool that week.
vvvvvvvvvv