DISCLAIMER

All characters from the Blackadder series belong to Rowan Atkinson, Ben Elton and Richard Curtis. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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Major Moustache

(set during Blackadder Goes Forth)

(dug-out, inside, day; Captain Blackadder is reading a book, George and Baldrick are once again playing 'I spy with my little eye'.)

George:

"Right! Your turn, Balders!"

Baldrick:

"Alright, sir! Erm, I spy with my little eye, something beginning with…B!"

(Baldrick stares at Blackadder's book.)

George:

"Yes, well, erm, yes…a B, right? Hm, tricky one, that. Oh, hang on, erm, yes, is…is it my boots?"

Baldrick:

"No, sir."

George:

"Ah, shame. Alright, how about…my bottom!"

(George and Baldrick laugh childishly, Blackadder stops reading.)

Blackadder:

"Fortunately not, George. You're wearing pants, which means we can't actually see you bottom. And I'd like to thank you for that."

(Blackadder continues reading, Baldrick continues staring at the book.)

George:

"Thank you, sir. Well, can't you give me a clue, Balders? Help me a bit."

Baldrick:

"I'm already giving you one, sir."

George:

"I'm sorry?"

(Blackadder puts his book down again.)

Blackadder:

"A clue, George. It's my book."

George:

"Eh?"

Blackadder:

"My book. He's been staring at my book. Book starts with a B."

George:

"Oh, yes…"

Blackadder:

"Well done, Baldrick. You're getting the hang of this."

Baldrick:

"Thank you, Captain B. Same to you."

Blackadder:

"Yes, because this was definately one of the trickier ones, obviously."

George:

"My turn! I spy with my little eye…something rather hairy."

Baldrick:

"My bottom!"

(George and Baldrick giggle.)

Blackadder:

"Oh, God…"

Darling:

(from outside) "Dug-out! Ten shun!"

(They all salute as Captain Darling and General Melchett enter.)

Baldrick:

"Lieutenant! It's General Melchett's moustache, sir!"

Melchett:

(confused) "What is!"

(Melchett looks at George.)

George:

"Erm, rather hairy, sir."

Melchett:

(proudly) "Baaa! Thank you, George."

Darling:

"I agree, sir."

(Melchett wiggles his moustache proudly.)

Melchett:

"Yeees."

Blackadder:

"Extremely hairy, sir."

Melchett:

"Too hairy! Too big! Too bushy! You'd better not criticize my pride, Blackadder, or I'll have you bloody court-martialed!"

(Blackadder looks extremely frightened.)

Blackadder:

(nervously) "On the contrary, sir. The bushier, the better, I'd say."

Melchett:

"Good. Splendid. Hey ho."

Darling:

"Anyway, what we're here for…"

Melchett:

"Be quiet, Darling! We're talking about my moustache!"

Darling:

"Yes, sir!"

Blackadder:

"Captain Darling should love to talk about you beautiful moustache, like all of us, shouldn't he, sir?"

(Darling glares at Blackadder.)

Melchett:

"Yes, sir! He should, sir! You know what? From now on, not having a nice, bushy moustache is a court-martial offence! So start growing them, boys!"

Baldrick:

"Yes, sir! Right away, sir!"

(Baldrick leaves the dug-out to 'grow a moustache'.)

Blackadder:

"I'm glad to be under your command, General. How could we possibly win this war without your decisions?"

George:

"Well, huzzah to that, with shiny, sparkly knobs on!"

Melchett:

"Baaa!"

THE END