Hi there! This is Belle. Elin and I have spent all DAY writing this BY OURSELVES. This is irritating, because it's actually a very short chapter, considering. However, what really bugs us (Both start to snarl) is that our CO-WRITER forgot to show up. We are mmaaaaaaad. Especially since she was entrusted with our valuable cast list and other preparation material. We are not pleased --
Anyways, R&R. Please!
Disclaimer: There is a song in this chapter. We don't own it. If we did, I can tell you now that we would not be sitting here writing these deranged ramblings. Thank you.
Ten o'clock in the Smaug Memorial Theatre, and things were heating up. Literally. There's nothing like a bunch of adrenaline-filled amateurs – sorry, actors – going to their first audition to warm up a room. As Morgoth took his place in the centre of the judging panel – fashionably late as always – he glanced to his left to see Saruman drooling slightly and murmuring things about 'great power'. He rolled his eyes and looked to his right, where Ringwraith No. 5 was sitting examining his nails. He muttered something that sounded suspiciously to Morgoth like 'None of these morons has the X Factor.' He did a double take.
Nails?
X Factor?
'Excuse me?' The Ringwraith looked up – at least, he assumed that was what it was doing. It was kind of hard to tell, what with the black cloak of doom and all.
'Uh…. Never mind,' it hissed, with a remarkably good English accent.
Shaking his head and trying to ignore the Ringwraith's continued mutterings, he turned to face the array of talentless beings assembled in one of the wings. He sighed. This was going to be a long day.
With one last, desperate plea to the Dark Lord for the strength not to destroy the lot of them, he reluctantly summoned the first applicant.
'OK, who's first?'
There was a slight scuffle backstage before a small figure crawled forward, hissing something about nasssssty hobbitsesss. Morgoth sighed. He had been wrong. This was going to be a veeeerrrrrry long day.
'So,' he checked his clipboard. 'Smeagol…'
'Gollum.'
'Bless you.'
The creature narrowed its eyes to slits, but said nothing. Morgoth pressed on.
'OK, so, who did you want to play?'
The creature fixed him with a steely gaze.
'Lysssssander, precioussss.' he replied.
Morgoth groaned inwardly. First Saruman drooling all over the table, now this. He looked at the Ringwraith for support. It was still muttering.
'I assume you have prepared a piece for us?'
Gollum stared back at him, blankly.
'Some lines you can recite, or a poem or…' he trailed off.
'Make him sing,' hissed Ringwraith No.5.'
Morgoth glanced sceptically from Gollum to the cloaked figure on his right. Neither of them even blinked. Not that he could actually tell with the Ringwraith, but… He was about to protest, but then Gollum spoke.
'OK, preciousssss, I will sing for you…'
'Oh, my…' muttered Legolas.
'I'm too sexy for my loin cloth
Too sexy for my loin cloth
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for middle earth
Too sexy for middle earth
Rohan and Gondor
And I'm too sexy for your play
Too sexy for your play
No way I'm onstage acting!'
'Good,' muttered the Ringwraith.
'I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk
I'm too sexy for my ring
Too sexy for my ring
Far too sexy for that thing
And I'm too sexy for my cat
Too sexy for my cat
What do you think about that?'
Morgoth blinked. Cat?
'I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk'
Sam groaned, bending over on his seat in the queue. 'Bad mental image… really bad….'
'I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy poor pussy cat'
Morgoth sighed. Again with the cat?
'I'm too sexy for my ring
Too sexy for my ring
Ring's going to leave me
And I'm too sexy for this song'
'Damn straight,' muttered Aragorn, glancing up from his sword. He hoped he'd be able to fit this in before his 11 o'clock fencing session.
Morgoth winced. The Ringwraith muttered. Saruman drooled.
'NEXT!'
Gollum scowled.
'They didn't like our performance, precioussssss. We'll show them, yessss, we'll show them….Oh.' He looked up. 'By the way, precioussessss, has any one ssseen a gold ring? Only…. I lossst my birthday pressssent…..'
'NEXT!' howled the Ringwraith. 'What the hell was that? Awful, you had no feeling, no depth… it was like listening to a drunk corpse howling along to Celine Dion!'
Gollum slinked out, muttering about nassssty wraithsesssss as everyone else turned to stare at the Black Rider, who resumed the examination of his fingernails. The whole room frowned this time. Nails?
There was a slight pause.
Celine Dion?
