"You have failed me for the final time," she said, raising her wand.
"Master, please, I-"
"Crucio."
Lily woke up coughing, her head pounding and splitting in pain, with Madam Pomfrey quickly pulling a vial of clear liquid away from her lips.
"Stay down, Potter," she said, forcing Lily to lean backwards when she tried to sit up. "You've been through enough as it is."
"He's a-angry," Lily said, continuing to hack up a lung and raising a hand to cover her blazing scar. She could still hear the victim screaming in her head, as if she was still in the same room as him.
"Stay down," Pomfrey repeated, pushing her back down again. "You've only just returned, and I need to check you for-"
"Lucius," she said in the other room. "It is time. We will do things your way."
"Dumbledore," Lily said, trying to swing her legs out of bed. "I n-need to talk to D-Dumbledore."
"The Headmaster will see you when I say you are ready," Pomfrey said sternly, catching her under the arm when she nearly spilled to the ground. "For Merlin's sake, stay in bed."
Lily took a few steps on shaky legs, noticing for the first time that she was still wearing her muddy robes, as well as her left wrist wrapped in thick bandages. Right, she thought, using her right hand to rub at her still pounding scar. I broke that, didn't I?
"Potter," Pomfrey said, grabbing her shoulder when she pushed past the curtains blocking her bed. "I really must insist you stay here."
"And what of the other girl?" Lucius Malfoy asked.
"Keep a close eye on her. She may prove just as useful, in a pinch."
"Fleur," Lily said, stumbling and grabbing on to the nearest side table, knocking off everything that was on it and covering the nearby floor in broken glass and spilled liquids. "She's in-"
"Miss Delacour is fine," Pomfrey said, grabbing her under the arm and helping her to her feet. "She is meeting with the Headmasters as we speak. Mind your step, dear. You have enough to worry about as it is. Don't need to add a foot injury to it."
Lily swallowed down the bile rising in her throat, squeezing her eyes shut tight to tune out the Dark Lord's dealings. She needed to focus. She needed him out of her mind.
"I have to-"
"You have to rest," Pomfrey said, guiding her gently back to the bed. "Please, Potter, just this once, listen to what I'm telling you."
"I need to talk to-"
"You need to rest and-"
Pomfrey was interrupted by the doors to the Hospital Wing slamming open, a frantic and wild-eyed, bushy haired girl running through and sprinting straight over to them, the thick soles of her boots crunching the glass on the floor.
"Lily!" Hermione shouted on the way over.
"Now, really," Pomfrey said. "This is a hospital!"
Hermione didn't listen. She was too busy throwing herself around Lily's chest, hugging her tightly before pulling back and giving her a quick glance over.
"You're all muddy," she said, some of the cracked and dried dirt falling to the pristine white floors.
"Out, Granger," Pomfrey said, pushing the girl away and forcing Lily to sit on the bed. "Potter needs to-"
"I'm not going anywhere," Hermione said, authoritatively crossing her arms and staring the much older woman down.
"Granger, really, I need you to-"
"I'm not moving from this spot," Hermione said, stamping her foot in that annoying, self-righteous way of hers that Lily currently very much appreciated.
"Hermione," Lily said, rubbing at her scar again. "Dumbledore. Fleur and Katie are-"
Lily let out a little groan when another spike of pain shot through her skull. She had to take a deep breath to shut out their voices, and when she opened her eyes, some stinging, hot tears spilled from their corners.
"I'll check on them," Hermione said, raising a nervous hand to her lips so she could chew on her nails.
"Then do so," Pomfrey said sharply.
"I'm not leaving yet. Not until Lily is alright."
"I'm fine," Lily said.
"Very well," Pomfrey said, snapping the curtains closed immediately. "But you will stay out there. Potter needs to change, and I need to inspect the rest of her to make sure there are no further injuries."
"I'm fine," Lily insisted, trying to stand again.
"You most certainly are not. Stay still, Potter. You've just ingested an unknown poison, and-"
"It's Elation Fixation," Lily said, coughing again, her throat feeling very raspy.
"And how do you know that?" Pomfrey said, narrowing her eyes at her.
"Because I made it."
"Oh, Lily," Hermione said, sighing on the other side of the curtain.
"Stay here, Potter," Pomfrey said, crossing through the curtain again. "And remove your clothes. The general curative I gave you isn't enough for a full dose of Elation. I'll need to give you something a bit stronger, with a dose of something else so you can sleep through the night."
"I'll be fine," Lily said, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes. She took another deep breath, trying to force the coolness of the air into her brain. She could still feel how furious Voldemort was, way in the back of her mind.
That was good. It meant that, whatever he wanted, he didn't get it.
"How long were you laughing for?" Hermione asked. "You sound all raspy."
"She was out of breath when she arrived here," Pomfrey said. "And that was only moments before you did. Undress, Potter. I very much need to check you."
"Why are you here, anyway?" Lily said, shrugging her robes off.
"Probably because all anybody is talking about is how Fleur ran through Hogsmeade carrying your unconscious body," Hermione said. "Honestly, Lily, you had me worried sick."
Lily felt like she might still be sick, and she let out an involuntary shudder when Pomfrey placed a piece of cold metal on her naked back.
"Breathe in and out slowly, Potter," Pomfrey said. "I need to check your lungs."
"I'm fine," Lily said, obeying the woman anyway.
"Oh, stop your whinging," Hermione said from the other side. "You just drank poison. You're not going anywhere."
Lily mumbled and grumbled through the rest of the check-up. She didn't want to take the potions Pomfrey kept offering, either, but between the matron and Hermione, they managed to bully her into it. At the very least, Pomfrey let Hermione sit next to her as the potions did their work, lulling her into sleep, and the last thing Lily saw as she closed her eyes was Hermione setting about knitting a sweater for Dobby, the night sky darkening the room.
When she opened them, she found Sirius sitting in the chair, instead, reading the morning newspaper with an increasingly disgruntled expression, morning light pouring through the windows.
"Not a good news day, I take it?" Lily said, her voice sounding more normal.
"No," Sirius said, not even flinching. "They're saying a raved 'fan' tried to kidnap you instead of a Death Eater. Fudge just doesn't want to face facts."
"Oh, good," Lily said, rubbing at her eyes and trying to ignore the turmoil of anxiety rolling in her belly. "I was hoping it wasn't actually Katie. We know who it is, then?"
"We have ideas," Sirius said noncommittedly, laying his newspaper folded across his lap.
"Well, go on, then," Lily said, leaning back into her pillow and listening to the dull rhythm of anger she was still feeling in her scar, wondering if she'd dreamt anything that would prove useful if she could only remember it.
"Listen," Sirius said, leaning forward and lowering his voice. "I'm not supposed to tell you much, just what's relevant for you going forward."
Well, now the anger was her own.
"That's not-"
"I said I'm not supposed to," Sirius continued. "Not that I wouldn't. But, first, I just want to know that you won't go doing anything stupid."
"That depends on what you're about to tell me," Lily said, crossing her arms and trying to remember that Sirius was on her side.
"It's not as bad as you think," Sirius said carefully. "I just need you to be careful, moving forward. Moody's been looking into quite a few things since your little rescue operation over the holidays, and we're reasonably certain of the facts, at this point."
"But what about Katie?" Lily asked. "Is she alright?"
"I'll get to her, Lily, I promise."
"But-"
"I'll start with what we're not 100% on," Sirius said. "We're almost certain the person impersonating Katie was Barty Crouch."
"The Ministry guy?" Lily asked, recalling the older gentleman and his bowler hat. "I thought he was out sick."
"Not him, his son," Sirius said. "He's supposed to be dead but based off your description of the man- the one you saw Lucius Malfoy handing the vial to- Moody's sure it's him. As to the senior, well- Dumbledore's finally convinced Fudge to search his home but we couldn't find him."
"Really?"
"It gets worse," Sirius said uncomfortably. "We found that House Elf of his wandering around the place, trying to keep it clean, only- well- someone tampered with her mind."
"No!"
"Don't tell Hermione. Anyway, she seemed convinced that nothing was wrong at all, and that Crouch Sr. was just overseas, visiting the yanks. Dumbledore offered to delve in and see what her true memories were, but Fudge overruled him and took the elf into custody."
"Alright," Lily said slowly. "That doesn't seem too bad."
"That's because I haven't gotten there yet," Sirius said with a sigh. "The elf was in custody less than 24 hours before she was found dead in her cell."
"No!"
"Definitely don't tell Hermione that part," Sirius said, scowling. "Aurors ruled it a suicide, and we can't get in there to investigate otherwise. One thing we're sure of is that the Ministry's got a mole, maybe even several, but Fudge isn't listening to reason. He thinks Dumbledore's just fear mongering to consolidate power."
"So, we have no idea where the Death Eater is, then?" Lily asked, trying to swing back on target to soothe the increasing emotions inside her. "What about Katie? I- she's alright, isn't she? I rescued the real Katie, didn't I?"
"No, we have no idea where Crouch is, Jr. or otherwise," Sirius said. "Yes, Katie is alright, and, yes, you rescued the real one."
"Thank Merlin," Lily said, sighing and releasing some of the tension in her shoulders.
"We checked her when you got her back to Grimmauld," Sirius continued. "She seemed to be going through it, but was otherwise fine. We're absolutely certain Crouch was Polyjuiced as her to get close to you- among other things."
"What does that mean?" Lily said, some tension returning.
"I'll get there," Sirius said. "The vial you saw Lucius Malfoy handing Crouch was Katie's hair, we're pretty sure. Only issue is, it wasn't nearly enough to last this long, but Crouch needed to be closer just to keep watch for an opening, as well as to get more hair from Katie when he ran out."
"So, he- he was someone else, then?" Lily said, definitely starting to feel sick.
Sirius nodded. "We're fairly certain he was disguised as Althaia Belby."
"Oh, Merlin."
"'She' disappeared when Moody pushed a bit too far," Sirius said, grimacing again. "I talked with Hermione while you were sleeping, and she mentioned Belby kept trying to give you detentions around the same time, to get you alone. We can't know for sure, but our guess is she would have taken you then if you'd gone. Thank Merlin you're so stubborn, really, but that's why Moody didn't want you going near her."
"Why didn't he just tell me?"
"Because he didn't know for sure," Sirius said. "He's an auror, Lily. There's an order to these things. Moody couldn't find definitive proof, and he didn't want you going and messing it all up just because he told you his suspicions."
"I wouldn't have messed it up."
"I know that," Sirius said, "but the other Order members seem convinced that you would have attempted to take things into your own hands."
"That's not fair!" Lily protested. "I've been trying to be good, just like you asked me!"
"I know!"
"I didn't go after Belby, even after Ron wanted to, and I haven't-"
"I know, Lily!" Sirius repeated. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just explaining things."
"Belby disappeared weeks ago," Lily said, crossing her arms again and dropping the volume of her voice. "Where's she been?"
"Where's he been," Sirius said. "And the answer to that is he's been walking around as Katie."
"What?" Lily said, her eyes going wide.
"Like I said, we checked her when she was at Grimmauld," Sirius said. "But we didn't when you lot came back to Hogwarts. We assumed she'd be fine at Hogwarts. At some point, though, Crouch got to her, and he had her under the Imperius since sometime in January."
"Oh," Lily said quietly.
"That's why she's been sitting up in the tower and not going to classes," Sirius said. "Crouch made her, so he could become her at a moment's notice if it became necessary. Didn't want somebody noticing a second Katie walking around. He also had her sneaking down in the middle of the night so he could get more hair or ask her questions. Stuff about what you'd talked about recently, what you liked, so he could use it to get you alone."
Now Lily really wanted to throw up, her brain racing and wondering if her little walk, hand in hand, was the real Katie. Merlin, she certainly hoped it was.
"Why?" she asked.
"Same reason they tried to take you at the World Cup," Sirius said. "And the same reason they set that trap for you over the holidays. They need you for something."
"Just tell me what, Sirius."
"Are you sure you want to know?" Sirius asked.
"No," Lily admitted, shuffling in her bed uncomfortably. "But I probably should, shouldn't I?"
"If you don't want to know, I don't have to say a thing."
"Just get it over with, Sirius," Lily said, closing her eyes. "Stalling isn't going to make it any better."
"Dumbledore reckons they want to use you in a ritual to bring back Voldemort," Sirius said after a long pause.
No wonder he was so angry, Lily thought, rubbing at her scar. If she focused on it, she could still feel the distant pounding of the Dark Lord's latent wrath.
"Anyway, it doesn't matter," Sirius said, no doubt trying to move on quickly. "That Beauxbatons girl chased him right off, didn't get so much as a scratch on her. In fact, she got him good; we could follow his blood trail right into the forest, where she lost him when he disapparated."
"Blood?" Lily said quickly. "Can't you use that to-"
Sirius shook his head. "We thought the same, but the aurors 'lost the evidence.'"
"There is a rat, then."
"Like I told you," Sirius said, nodding along grimly. "We're fairly certain that's how Peter escaped, too. His transfer time and route to Azkaban should have been a secret- mine sure as hell was- but Quirrell knew right where to go to nick him. Speaking of Quirrell, he's been sighted travelling abroad. Ten Galleons if you guess where."
"France," Lily said.
"Got it in one," Sirius said with a smile and digging out his purse. "How about that? Take a gander why?"
"Belby," Lily said, her stomach roiling again. The sight of Sirius's gold certainly didn't make her feel any better.
"Right again," Sirius confirmed a bit more darkly this time, setting the coins on her bedside table. "Moody went to check it back when she first disappeared, but the woman's servants turned him away from the house. When he went back, servants were all gone, and so were all of the woman's research notes and personal effects."
"She did a runner, then?"
"That's what it looks like," Sirius said, tapping the paper in his lap. "Ministry is claiming she's a 'super fan' of yours, incised by the claims from The Quibbler about your magical blood. They're saying she tried to take it so she could use it in her potions- with a bunch of anti-werewolf propaganda mixed in- and the Death Eaters are running with it because it's convenient for them. We think Belby is either dead or captive. Definitely before Crouch ran off, since they needed her hairs, but it's hard to tell how far back. Odds aren't great that you ever met the real one."
"And what about Quirrell?" Lily asked, doing her best to ignore that last comment. "Why was he there?"
"We don't know yet," Sirius admitted. "We think he was just there to get rid of any evidence, but he's made a big show of it, which has us wondering. We'll figure it out, though, don't worry."
"Right," Lily said. "And- err- what should I be worried about?"
Sirius sighed. "I want to preface this by saying I fought for you as hard as I could. I am not at all happy about it. Not one bit. So- err- direct your anger properly, is what I'm getting at. I'm just the messenger."
"Just get it over with."
"Dumbledore is worried about what might have happened before Fleur got there," Sirius said grimly. "Specifically, he's worried that Crouch might have messed with your mind."
"He didn't!" Lily said quickly. "I remember everything! I can tell you what-"
"It doesn't matter, Lily," Sirius said, shaking his head. "And, for the record, they will be asking you what happened, but Dumbledore isn't willing to take the risk. If he did mess with your mind, you'd have no way of knowing."
"I do know," Lily said. "He didn't mess with my memories."
"Lily-"
"He didn't!"
"I believe you," Sirius said, placing a hand on her trembling shoulder. "Just- it's just a precaution. He wants Snape to-"
"No," Lily said, feeling cold all over.
"Look, I'm not happy about it either," Sirius said, "but Snape is the best Legilimens in the school other than Dumbledore, so he's going to-"
"I'm not doing it."
"Lily-"
"You don't get it!" Lily said. "You weren't there!" He- he- I'm not doing it again."
"You have to," Sirius said firmly. "I already lost this fight, Lily, but I did win some concessions."
"I'm not doing it."
"Just hear me out, first. It'll be once a night for the next week."
"No, it won't."
"He's not going to look at anything but your Hogsmeade trip."
"He won't stop there."
"He's not going to say a single thing to you about anything other than his orders," Sirius continued.
"He will," Lily said, wishing she had something to hit. "He can't stop himself."
"And, finally," Sirius said, "you're going to get on that little mirror of yours and call me afterwards. If anything happens- if he goes off script at all- you're going to tell me, and I'm going to come and take you out of Hogwarts."
"What?" Lily said, horrified for a different reason now.
"This isn't working," Sirius said, gesturing to the Hospital Wing around them. "I didn't want you coming back to Hogwarts at all, but Dumbledore assured me it would be safe, and, well- now look at you."
"I'm not leaving."
"This isn't up for discussion," Sirius said. "If I have to take you out and school you myself, I will. I've already started filling out the required documents for it, just in case. If Hogwarts- if Dumbledore- can't keep you safe, then someone has to."
"But-"
"I know you'll miss your friends," Sirius said, softening his voice and placing a hand gently on Lily's knee, "but you'll still get to see them during the holidays, Lily, I promise. And, this way, you won't have to deal with everybody constantly-"
"This isn't fair!" Lily said. "You already took me out of the Burrow! You can't just-"
"I offered to put you back," Sirius said crossly. "You're the one who refused."
"You already moved all my stuff! What was I supposed to do?"
"If you wanted to go back, I would have moved it all back," Sirius said. "I still will, if that's what you're saying- it was just a precaution to keep you safe, in case Quirrell came for you again, and you know that. It's the same thing here."
"I don't want to leave!" Lily said pleadingly.
"You did last year!" Sirius countered. "What changed?"
"I- things are better!" Lily protested.
"Are they?" Sirius asked. "Ignoring your current predicament, what, exactly, is better?"
"There's no dementors!" Lily said. "And- and I'm in a club, now, and I've made more friends, and the common room isn't as bad with our own rooms, and-"
"And you spend every other night crying to me about how everybody won't leave you alone," Sirius said. "Are we just ignoring all that, now?"
"I was just venting!" Lily said. "I didn't want you to take me out of Hogwarts!"
"We'll talk about it later," Sirius said. "It's just hypothetical, for now. We'll see how Snape goes, first."
"But-"
"Later," Sirius said, standing abruptly and straightening his robes. "I need to go. Dumbledore has a mission for me. Just- just promise me you won't try to antagonize Snape, alright?"
"But-"
"I promise, Lily, I'll hear you out," Sirius said, giving her a loose, one-armed hug and kissing the top of her head. "Just stay out of trouble, alright? We'll talk after your session with Snape."
Lily stewed silently until Sirius was fully out of the room, not returning his farewells. She kept glaring daggers at the door well after he was gone, as well, as if her stare would be enough to destroy them utterly (it was almost enough to make her wish she was a Basilisk). Pomfrey brought her a plate of bacon and eggs soon after, insisting she watch while Lily ate it. She claimed it was to make sure Lily could swallow, but Lily wasn't buying it. That issue was solved within the first two bites, but Pomfrey continued to nag her to eat every time she settled into just pushing eggs around her plate.
Lily was hoping to leave afterwards, but Pomfrey wouldn't let her. The matron was insisting that she stay another night. Unfortunately for her, the Weasley twins decided to come visit a certain Slytherin, complete with a bag filled with her school robes. Lily changed into them and then slipped out while Pomfrey was dealing with Fred, who couldn't stop vomiting. Lily Potter entered the Hospital Wing, but Daphne Greengrass left (albeit taller than the real Greengrass; Lily couldn't shrink that far).
Daphne made her way to the top floor of the castle, exchanging a few pleasantries along the way with the Slytherins she was close to, but otherwise refusing all further opportunities. Only when Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode finally accepted that she didn't need them to accompany her to Chess Club, leaving her alone in an empty corridor, did she finally change back in her normal Lily self.
"Stupid bints," Lily said, running a hand through her short, red hair and turning near a portrait of Delilah Daisyknuckles. She had an appointment to keep with the Headmaster; he just didn't know it yet.
She didn't even get a moment to guess at what candy related password Dumbledore was using now; the instant she opened her mouth to speak, the gargoyle guard leapt aside, and out walked Severus Snape, a cruel smirk on his lips.
"Potter," he said, sounding oddly amused.
Lily clenched her jaw and kept her stupid mouth shut.
"What are you doing here?" Snape continued. "I believe you are supposed to be staying in the Hospital Wing."
"Pomfrey let me go," Lily lied.
"I highly doubt that," Snape said. "You will report back to her immediately. Do I make myself clear?"
Lily just nodded and continued her silence.
"Then go, Potter," Snape said, still standing and staring at her expectantly.
"I need to talk to Dumbledore," Lily said.
"The Headmaster is busy," Snape said.
"Then I'll wait."
"He will remain busy for the next two weeks."
"Then I'll keep waiting."
"The Headmaster will not be seeing you, Potter," Snape said plainly. "At present, he is meeting with Minister Fudge and his… pleasant assistant. He has no time for your childish whims."
Lily clenched her jaw and kept her stupid mouth shut.
"I believe you have already been dismissed, Potter," Snape said. "Do you require an escort to the Hospital Wing, or are you capable of finding the way yourself?"
Lily didn't dignify that with a response. She turned on her heel and started down the opposite.
"I will see you in my office tonight, Potter," Snape called after her. "Do not force me to hunt you down."
Lily was pleasantly surprised, her bad mood lifting a bit, when she turned the corner of the hallway only to find Hermione, Ron, and Neville running straight for her, Ron tucking the Marauder's Map into his robes.
"Lily!"
"Why'd you leave the Hospital Wing?"
"What'd Snape want?"
"Hermione!" Lily said in response, allowing the girl to hug her. "I didn't feel like staying, Nev, and I was just about to tell you, Ron."
"This is not going to go well," Hermione said, chewing on her nails hours later.
"It's going to be a disaster," Ron added.
"I'll be surprised if she doesn't kill him," Neville said.
"I don't need the three of you spreading doom and gloom, you know," Lily grumbled. "It's bad enough already."
"You just have to keep calm," Hermione said, nervously glancing at the dungeon hallway behind them, as if somebody was trailing them just to see how miserable The-Girl-Who-Lived could get. "Just don't let him get to you, Lily."
"And if he says something, you just aim for his jaw," Ron said, mimicking a punch.
"Ronald!" Hermione said. "She can't hit him! He's a professor!"
"Five Galleons says he swings first," Ron said, shrugging.
"Ron-"
"Just ignore them," Neville said as the two others bickered behind them. "You'll be alright, Lily."
"We'll see," Lily said, trying to ignore her roiling stomach. She could see Snape's office door just down the way. She could only imagine him sitting inside, eagerly waiting to ruin her life again.
"We'll be right outside," Neville said, clapping her on the shoulder. "Just shout if you need anything."
"I don't need the escort, you know," Lily said.
"We know," Neville said, shrugging. "But if you think we're going to leave you alone with Snape, you're an idiot."
"Yeah, Lily," Ron said, turning his attention away from the still nagging Hermione. "One of us will be outside the door at all times, we promise."
"Right," Lily said, not feeling any less sick as she knocked on Snape's door. "See you in a bit, then."
Lily entered the room, wondering if it would be a better idea to just turn around and run away. She ignored the bat-like man sitting at his desk, instead taking a moment to look around the room. The eerie, glowing jars filled with organs and lifeforms did not make her feel any better. One jar was filled with eyeballs, and she could have sworn they all swiveled to look at her the instant she entered the room.
"Having a nice tour, Potter?" Snape said.
"Yes," Lily said, poking a jar of live cockroaches. Those would be a nightmare if they were to escape. Lily didn't envy the elves that would need to exterminate them. She could hear the skittering of their legs on the glass, as well as each other, and it made her deeply uncomfortable.
"Sit down," Snape said, staring at her expectantly, hands perched on his chest.
"I think I'll stand," Lily said, not trusting her knees (or at least one in particular) to support her getting back up once this was over.
"You will sit," Snape insisted, pushing the chair closer to her with a wave of his wand. "And you will leave my ingredients alone." Lily set the jar of fish guts down. "We have a long night ahead of us. You have eaten, yes?"
"Yes," Lily lied, sitting down and wringing her hands together nervously. She couldn't manage to stomach a single bite, as a matter of fact.
"This will be unpleasant," Snape said, still staring at her from across the desk. "I am to willingly search out only your Hogsmeade journey, but your unfocused mind may wander naturally. Do try not to. The longer you fail, the more time we must spend in each other's presence."
"Right," Lily said, ignoring the way Snape's black, beetle-eyes staring straight at her face made her skin crawl.
"Remember," Snape said, picking up his wand from the desk. "This is not an Occlumency lesson. You are not trying to fight me or push me out. You are to relax and allow me to guide you to the proper memory."
"I know."
"There is the potential that the Death Eater responsible for your attack has lain a trap for me," Snape said casually. "If that happens, I will break the connection, and you will immediately call for Madam Pomfrey. Is that understood?"
"Yes."
"Then let us begin," Snape said. "Legilimens."
Lily was in what was clearly an old woman's sitting room, a cold cloth on her forehead, bundled up under a blanket and dying of a fever. She was staring up at the ceiling, trying to ignore every pain in her body, watching a tiny little bug make it's way across the plain surface. There were a dozen cats around her, two of them laying directly on top of her, and snow was falling outside the window.
I was sick, Lily remembered, a strange pressure on her brain. The Dursleys went on holiday to visit Aunt Marge, and they couldn't be bothered to bring along a very sick Lily, so they left her at the neighbour's house. Old Mrs. Figg was coming towards her, right now, carrying a tray with two steaming cups of tea.
"Off," she said, shooing away the two felines. "Hazel? Are you awake?" Mrs. Figg set down the tray on the nearby side table, sat down next to Lily's legs, and then placed a hand across her burning forehead.
Child Lily responded by turning to the side and vomiting on Mrs. Figg's pristine carpet.
"Oh, dear," the old woman said.
Focus, Potter, she heard in her head. We have a mission to attend to.
Lily tried, and then she found herself sitting back in Snape's office again.
"I said focus," he said angrily. "Not to force me out."
"I didn't mean to," she said, rubbing at her scar. "I just- give me a bit, will you?"
"We will try again. Legilimens."
Lily was sitting an set of swings at a nearby park, her little legs dangling over the ground, chewing her lip while she watched a father and mother play with their young daughter (who couldn't be older than four). They were having a picnic, and they brought a board game with them. Lily watched as the girl rolled some dice and then moved her piece, wondering if they'd let her join if she asked.
This one confused her. She was wearing her school uniform (the boys', of course, since it made it easier for Petunia to paint her as a troublemaker), and it felt like it was right before the summer holiday, but she couldn't remember ever visiting the park by herself. Merlin, she couldn't really remember visiting it at all. She looked to be around six or seven herself, at this point in time, but since she was unusually small for her age prior to Hogwarts, it easily could have been later.
"Lily!" she heard from behind her.
She jumped off the swing immediately, keeping her head firmly on the ground as she approached her angry aunt.
Ah, right, Lily thought, recognizing the angry look on her aunt's face.
"S-sorry, Aunt P-Petunia," little Lily said warily, anxiously looking back at the happy family with darting eyes.
This was after I got into a fight with some girls, Lily thought, just noticing her bruised knuckles and a developing black eye. She couldn't remember exactly what they said to her. She remembered her mother being brought up, and she remembered throwing herself at the biggest one. It wasn't often that she fought back; that meant that they cornered her, and she didn't see any other way out.
It also meant her punishment would likely be worse. How did she even get to the park without getting caught before now? That was what Lily really thought was strange. She could remember being taken to the office, but then everything got very hazy.
"You were supposed to come straight home," Petunia said, crossing her arms and glancing over at the other family. "Not waste precious hours wandering about."
Lily followed her aunt's gaze, recognizing the concerned look and whispers the two parents were exchanging.
"S-sorry," little Lily stammered out, not noticing a thing. "I-I got l-lost and was t-trying t-to-"
"No excuses," Petunia said, grabbing her by the arm. "Hurry up. She's waiting for you."
Right. That was why it was hazy. Lily tried to push the memory away, her own curiosity sated more than enough, but despite a slight blurring, nothing happened.
"I-I-" little Lily stammered, scared eyes looking all around. "I w-was just t-trying t-to-"
"Excuse me," the family's father said, jogging over casually. "I couldn't help but notice-"
Lily tried to push the memory away again, thinking only about Hogsmeade, but it wasn't working. The visuals of the current memory became dull and undetailed, the stranger's face disappearing entirely, but she couldn't get rid of it. Lily took a deep, mental breath, and then pushed as hard as she could.
"What happened, Potter?" Snape asked when she came back to in his office.
"I don't know," she said quietly, rubbing at her scar.
"I believe you were ordered to focus on one particular memory," Snape said.
"Then how come you didn't end it like you did the other one?"
"It does not matter."
"It does to me," Lily snapped. "It's not like I want to see these things."
"Then why is this what you thought of?"
"It wasn't," Lily said, touching her scar again. "I was- it just sort of happened."
"Well, do not let it do so again."
"Aren't you supposed to be guiding me?"
"I can only do so much," Snape said, shrugging. "It is up to you to at least recall the proper time period. You are fifteen, not seven. Try to remember that. We are here to ascertain whether anything was done to your mind, not to watch one of your many childhood delusions. Focus so we can-"
"They're not delusions," Lily shouted, standing up from her seat.
"It does not matter what they are," Snape said dismissively. "We have a task, Potter, and you are-"
"Merlin, just shut up," Lily said, sitting back down and crossing her legs and arms.
"Focus your mind, Potter," Snape said, closing his eyes to calm himself.
"I don't know how to pick a specific memory," Lily said, breathing out hot air. "You only taught me to kick you out. What am I supposed to do?"
"Just think about the day," Snape said. "Do not allow your mind to wander."
"I don't know how!"
"Just focus."
"I just said that-"
"Legilimens."
Lily was standing outside Number Four Privet Drive, wearing the same school uniform and backpack, holding the straps just as tightly as before, chewing her lip in the same nervous way. In fact, if the same injuries were any indication, this was the same day. But why didn't she follow Petunia inside?
Why was she back here when she didn't want to be? She expected Snape's voice to come into her head, to tell her off like it had the first time, but he didn't say anything at all.
Lily tried to refocus, and Petunia emerged from the house, head craned backwards, speaking with someone that wasn't quite in view. Little Lily turned her head to stare straight down at the pavement under her feet, which only further blurred the details around them.
"Lily!" Petunia said sharply. "Get in here this instant!"
"I- I w-was-"
"Do as you're told!" Petunia interrupted. "We have a guest, and you need to-"
This time, Lily ended the memory faster, giving one big push to end back sitting in Snape's office, her hands clutching the armrests of her chair hard enough to turn her knuckles white.
"Who was the guest?" Snape asked casually.
"I thought it didn't matter," Lily said, wiping some sweat from her forehead.
"Clearly, you are too fixated on this memory to accomplish anything else," Snape said dismissively. "Perhaps we should follow it through to it's logical conclusion, if only to make our task easier."
"Absolutely not."
"Then we are done for tonight, Potter," Snape said, shrugging again. "If you cannot focus on the task at hand, you need to spend the night preparing your mind. We will try again tomorrow."
"But-"
"You are too distracted with your own worries," Snape continued. "You need to be prepared to enter your memories in a calmer state. Dreading what is to come will only bring forth the memories that cause the issue in the first place. Go. We will meet again tomorrow."
"You just need to focus," Hermione told her on the way the next day, her hands quickly moving as she thought and rambled. "Just think about nothing but the Hogsmeade trip."
"Yeah, thanks, Hermione," Lily said irritably. "I think I got it."
"And try to keep calm, too, don't let Snape get to you."
"I got it."
"And-"
"Hermione, shut up," Lily snapped, turning to knock on Snape's door.
"I was only trying to-"
"Just stop," Lily said, groaning and entering Snape's domain.
The second round went just as poorly as the first, but Snape refused to let her go as early. It took two hours before he decided she was done, not even slightly closer to understanding what she was doing wrong. Every memory they looked at was from her childhood, from before Hogwarts, often from right after she'd gotten into huge trouble. She couldn't help but wonder if that was the trap, but Snape certainly made it feel like it was just her usual brand of incompetence. She left his office with a migraine and an urge to kill, Hermione, Ron, and Neville hopping up from the floor to follow after her, wondering with if Snape just really enjoyed watching the absolute worst time of her life.
"How did it-"
"Don't," Lily said, rubbing at her temples.
"Alright," Hermione said, not saying another thing until they were back in the dorm. Then, she looked anxiously at Lily, wringing her hands together, as the other girl dropped her bag on the ground and collapsed straight into her bed. "Err- we still need to work on."
"I'm not working on anything," Lily said, closing her eyes. "I'm going to bed."
"But-"
"Goodnight."
"You still need to talk to Sirius!"
"You talk to him."
"But-"
"Goodnight."
"Just don't go," Ron suggested helpfully the next morning, when she was trying to nurse her still-lingering headache with some hot tea.
"Very helpful, Ron," she said, still feeling sick as she took a sip. "I've just got to get through it. Nothing else to do, really."
"You could try talking to Dumbledore," Neville said, glancing up at the staff table. "Maybe he'd-"
"Dumbledore isn't doing anything," Lily said, sending a rude glare in the elderly man's direction. "Honestly, I'm a little sick of him assuming he can just do whatever he wants with my life. I'm fine, but no-" Lily threw her hands up in the air, mockingly dragging the syllable out- "I've got to spend every night this week alone with fucking Snivellous."
"Language, Lily," Hermione said.
"Shut up," Lily said, burying her head in her arms.
"It's not all bad," Ron said helpfully. "Err- at least nobody's making fun of you anymore?"
Lily just sighed into her dark space.
"No," she agreed. "They're just all back to the rumour mill again, is all."
"What are they up to now?" Ron said, shoveling some more egg into his mouth. "The gorilla thing again?"
"No, but that has been making a comeback," Hermione said. "Pansy Parkinson did try to get people to think that she was sleeping with Snape, but that backfired when Lily suggested Pansy was just projecting since she was seeing Slughorn for good Potions marks."
"Why would anybody believe she was sleeping with Snape?" Ron said with an incredulous laugh.
"Probably because I keep spending copious amounts of time alone in his office where occasional loud noises can be heard," Lily said.
"But why Snape?" Ron said. "I mean, I don't think the man could get with his hand."
"That's what made it so easy to get her back," Lily said, snorting.
"That, plus Parkinson being an enormous slag," Ron added.
"Ronald, please," Hermione said. "Honestly, you shouldn't encourage her."
"It's fine," Lily said, standing up and pulling her bag over her head. "It's just rumours. They'll move on eventually, and Parkinson will get used to it. I sure have. Come on, let's get to class."
"You know, mate," Ron said, grabbing her by the arm and whispering while Hermione and Neville went ahead. "If you want to just sneak away somewhere, for a break or something, you just have to ask. You can have the map back."
"I'm fine," Lily said, pulling her arm away from him. "Merlin, just stop worrying about it, would you?"
Lily tried to stomp out of the Great Hall after that, feeling immensely smug about how miserable Pansy Parkinson was sitting alone. She was starting to hope Skeeter would get back to her soon; then she could really get ahead of things, clear her name a bit, and maybe even get some good old fashioned revenge. That was the only thought that got her through the first class of the day.
"Miss Potter," McGonagall said, pulling her aside after class. "A word, if you may."
"I'm fine, Professor," Lily said, plastering a tight smile on her face.
"Be that as it may, a word we will have," McGonagall said, gently leading her by the elbow to the front of the room, where her desk was waiting.
"I need to get to-"
"Sit," McGonagall said, pointing at the closest desk. She didn't sit herself, merely leaning against the top of her own desk. "Now. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"No," Lily said, shrugging and still refusing to sit down. She had to readjust the weight of her bag's strap; it was really digging into her shoulder.
"Hazel," McGonagall said, eyeing the rest of the class as they left, all the way across the room. "I only want to help."
"Can you get me out of these sessions with Snape?" Lily said. "Because that's the only problem I'm currently having."
"No," McGonagall said, her lips a tight line. "Dumbledore is quite insistent on them."
"Then there's nothing you can do," Lily said, readjusting the strap on her bag again. It might be time to invest in a new one, if this one was causing her so many problems. "I'll be fine."
"Please, wait," McGonagall said. "I cannot help you with Professor Snape, but perhaps there is something else I can do."
"Really?" Lily asked skeptically. "And what is that?"
"I have had a word with Miss Brown and Miss Bell," McGonagall said. "Both would like to meet with you."
"No, thank you," Lily said, ignoring the pit in her stomach.
"Hazel," McGonagall said much more softly. "Both girls were under the Imperius that day. Meeting with them will do you some good."
"I think I'm done meeting privately with people I can't one hundred percent trust, thanks," Lily said. She wasn't even letting Sae or Ginny pull her to the side, at the moment, even though they'd both tried to the last couple of days. She just wasn't willing to take the risk. It was bad enough she was forced to spend any amount of time alone with Snape.
"Very well," McGonagall said after a long pause. "I will be keeping a close eye on you these next few days, Miss Potter. If you need a moment, you know my office is open to you."
Lily just smiled at her, not quite meaning it, and then left the room. Empty words didn't really do her any good. She just had to get it over with, no matter how bad it was.
"Legilimens."
She was in Hogsmeade. It was right there, she recognized the gates and buildings. Even in her memory, she felt tremendous relief flow through her. That lasted up until she noticed the dementors hovering above. At the very least, in her memory, it didn't feel quite as cold. Plus, she couldn't hear Petunia's voice, which was always a plus.
Close, Potter, Snape said in her head. Just focus and bring us to the correct time.
Lily breathed in deeply, the memory going fuzzy. This was the closest she'd gotten so far. She focused hard, thinking only about entering the cosy little village, Lavender chatting happily at her side. For a moment, she really did think it would work. She could even remember Lavender dragging her straight to the pet show, the little kitten's mewling piercing her heart. She really was starting to regret not adopting it.
Then, she was back in her dark cupboard, crying, with her tiny knees pulled up to her chest. She could hear Petunia shrieking outside her door about whatever it was she'd done, could hear Vernon trying to calm her down. Lily groaned in frustration and tried to push the memory away again, thinking about nothing but that cute little kitten, but it just wasn't working. It was like she was just stuck here.
"She's a freak!"
"Yes, dear, but-"
"I won't have it, Vernon! I won't!"
"Yes, dear, but-"
"I don't care what the woman says! I want her gone!"
Lily breathed again, trying to push the memory away before Snape could reprimand her for it once she was out. She was tired of failing, she was tired of remembering; she just wanted to move on.
No, Snape said, forcing the memory to solidify. I want to listen.
Lily didn't, and she tried to push it away again, only to feel a very strong tug on her mind as Snape forced her to stay put.
What is happening? She thought.
We are observing, Snape said.
Why?
Quiet, Potter.
"We can't do anything about it!" Vernon said. "I don't like it either, but who knows what these people will do if we try to-"
"I don't care, Vernon!" Petunia said shrilly. "You're not listening to me! You saw what she did to the Perkins boy! He's in the hospital! She's dangerous?"
A boy? Snape thought. Tsk, tsk, Potter. Someone's been naughty. Hurting those girls wasn't enough for you?
Get out of my head.
"She has to stay!" Vernon said frantically.
"I won't stand for it, Vernon!"
Let us go back, shall we? Snape asked. I have had enough of this insipid little argument. I want to see the incident that caused this.
Why are we doing this?
You are the one who insisted we come here. Let us see what-
No.
Not an option, Potter. Let us-
"No!" Lily shouted, nearly falling out of her chair as she came back to reality.
"Fool of a girl!" Snape said, slamming his hands on his desk. "We were almost-"
"I don't care!" Lily said, standing on shaking legs. "We're just supposed to be looking at Hogsmeade!"
"You are proving incapable of doing so," Snape said, shrugging smugly. "I am trying a new method. If you cannot bring the proper memory to the forefront, then-"
"I'm done," Lily said, gesturing wildly with her hands. "I'm telling Sirius, and we're done."
Lily whirled and went straight for the door. Just as she reached out for the knob, the lock slid shut with a click.
"Sit, Potter," Snape said, setting his wand down.
"Let me out," Lily said, taking a deep breath and flexing her wand hand.
"Sit down," Snape hissed through clenched, yellow teeth. "We are not done."
"I am," Lily said. "Let me out."
"No," Snape said after a long pause.
"Open the bloody door before I blow it down," Lily said, reaching for her wand, only to find the holster empty. When did that happen? She turned and found it resting on Snape's desk, right next to his own.
"Sit," Snape said.
"Give me back my wand," Lily said, her voice shaking. He must have taken it from her when they were in her head. Was he doing that every day?
"I will, once we are done," Snape said simply "Sit down. I must finish seeing that memory."
"Why?" Lily asked, her mind moving fast.
"Because the Headmaster believes somebody in your past has tampered with your memories," Snape said, coming out with it fully. "And I need to find out who. Sit down."
"No," Lily said. "I- I want to leave."
"You will sit, and we will continue," Snape said, sounding frustrated. "For once in your life, don't have a childish tantrum. You are a witch, and you will behave as such. I must look at your memories, Potter."
"We're only supposed to be looking at Hogsmeade," Lily said, her chin starting to quiver.
"And we will," Snape said, gesturing to the chair. "But, first, I will find our mystery woman. I am doing you a favour, Potter. Once I am done, you will be able to remember everything, and the Order will have valuable information to act upon."
Lily clenched her fists at her side and stared firmly at the ground. She didn't want to remember.
"I know who it was," she said quietly.
"It doesn't matter. I must see it for myself.
"I- it was Umbridge, she-"
"You will show me."
"I- I just want to leave. Please."
"Sit."
"I want to leave."
"Sit, Potter."
"Sirius said that-"
"I am merely following orders," Snape snapped. "Dumbledore wants me to find the truth. I am going to find the truth. If you wish to tell Black of our activities, do so when we are done. Until then, sit. Down."
Why didn't Dumbledore just ask her if he wanted to know? She would have told him.
"Sirius-" she said, taking a moment to swallow down the lump in her throat. "Sirius said that- that I don't have to."
"He will understand. The truth is more important."
Lily's clenched hands were hurting her, the tips of her nails digging into the flesh of her palms.
"I want to leave," she said, voice trembling as much as her body was. "Please."
One of her angry tears slipped down her chin and dropped to the floor, and then they were coming faster, and she felt stupid and terrible all over again for crying in front of him. She tried to wipe at her eyes, but that only seemed to bring them to her faster. It felt like an eternity was passing, and all she could do was stand there, sobbing in front of one of her least favourite people in the world. She could hear him get up from his desk and approach her. She was surprised when Snape but her wand into her hand.
"Sit," Snape said, grabbing her gently by the arm and leading her to the chair. "I am not trying to cause you distress, Potter. I am merely following orders."
Lily said nothing. She kept a firm grip on her wand, trying to take in deep breaths to calm herself down.
"I apologize for deceiving you," Snape said, his voice sounding oddly toneless. "It was thought that you'd resist if you knew the truth. Your mind has already been searched, and no trap was found, but we did find traces of previous tampering. Far more than that fool Lovegood could have left behind. Dumbledore thought it prudent that we discover the cause."
Lily didn't care. She just wanted to leave.
"Calm yourself down," Snape said, "and then you may leave. We will call it here for the night. Tomorrow, I ask that you show me these memories of Umbridge."
"I- I don't-"
"It is not up to us," Snape said. "Nor is it up to Sirius. You will not tell him our true objective. If he were to pull you out of Hogwarts, we will lose our opportunity. Do you understand?"
Lily nodded along, anything just to get her out of this room.
"If you have finished your crying, you may leave," Snape said. "Be careful who you mingle with, Potter. We do not know how many spies lie in our midst."
Lily didn't have to be told twice; she was already rising out of her seat. Just as soon as she was back, she'd tell Sirius exactly what they were trying to do to her.
She just needed a few days to figure out how to not get pulled out of school doing so.
