Not satisfied with being a champion, Spike decides to become a statesman. You can only imagine the consequences. Meanwhile, Anya returns to vengeance.
KREON: You saved our village from those bandits.
SPIKE: Oh. So those were the bad guys. Which makes me the good guy. Funny how things work out.
KREON: They kill our sheep, steal our horses, ravage our pastures. We drive off their raids at great cost. My father died fighting them. They are the deadliest of warriors, yet they couldn't kill you. Kreon's talking very formally cause he assumes Spike is someone very important.
SPIKE: Trust me kid. I've fought deadlier women.
KREON: You're not human.
SPIKE: What was it that gave me away?
KREON: I'm Kreon. What's your name?
SPIKE: Spike.
KREON: That's an unusual name.
SPIKE: I could say the same about yours.
KREON: Come to our village, so we can offer you thanks. It's the least we could do to repay you.
SPIKE: Not like I have anything better to do. they start to walk I take it I'm going to be welcomed as some sort of hero?
KREON: No.
SPIKE: No! Why the bloody hell not?
KREON: You're more than a hero. At least I think so.
Spike worries about the exact nature of Kreon's hero worship.
SPIKE: So tell me, kid. You got a girl?
KREON: I have my mother and my sisters to support.
SPIKE: Right. Cause your dad's dead.
KREON: I'm too young and too poor to take a wife. Couldn't even afford the dowry my sister Penelope. Now she's too old to marry.
SPIKE: So you're not the oldest?
KREON: No. She's 18.
SPIKE: You have got to be bloody kidding.
KREON: Men won't marry a girl her age. Andrea has better prospects, since she's only 14.
SPIKE: Fourteen! What the hell kind of a sick society . . . those Amazons are the least of your problems. Hell, if I were a teenage girl about to be sold to some dirty old man, I'd run off an join them. pause Is that what happens?
KREON: They kidnap children to sell as slaves. Sometimes they initiate a few of the girls into the tribe.
SPIKE: So they don't take volunteers?
After several hours of searching, Anya is led to the extremely powerful witch who wants to attach herself to the Amazons.
ANYA: Finally. she gets off the horse and puts her hand to her lower back I miss teleporting. And cars. So where is she?
PROTHOE: Right here.
ANYA: That's not Willow.
HIPPOLYTA: I told you before, you can't join.
MALENA: I can help you in so many ways. You what I can do.
HIPPOLYTA: We can't accept anyone who has children.
MALENA: I'm going to kill them. Even if you don't accept me.
ANYA: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Why would you ever do that?
Malena and Hippolyta glare at the oddly-dressed stranger who is budding into their conversation.
MALENA: Who are you?
ANYA: I asked first. Why would you kill your own children?
HIPPOLYTA: Who ARE you?
ANYA: She's about to commit murder, and I'M the one being given the third degree? My name is Anya. Now tell me why you plan to murder your own offspring.
MALENA: My husband's taking them away from me.
Anya smiles.
ANYA: I'm sorry. That's horrible. So the bastard's leaving you?
MALENA: For a load-bearing Masistian.
ANYA: Is there any other kind?
Malena laughs. Anya's mind starts to race. To be around this much vengeance is absolutely exhilarating. Her old instincts come flooding back.
MALENA: He would be nowhere without me. I saved his live time and again. I devoted myself to him. Left my homeland. Left my people. And how does he repay me? By running off with some teenage princess and robbing me of my two sons.
ANYA: You want vengeance. You want to make him suffer like he's never suffered before.
MALENA: That's why I'm killing his children. And his wife. And his wife's father. He left me with nobody. I'll do the same to him.
Malena is a tall, slim woman in her late twenties curly with black hair and dark, intense eyes. She is quite beautiful, but in a rough, ferocious and rather intimidating way. Anya can tell she means business.
ANYA: You have an excellent instinct for vengeance. What is your name?
MALENA: Malena.
ANYA: But Malena, you're making several beginner's mistakes. Let's talk. she puts her right arm around Malena's shoulder and starts walking away from Hippolyta You want to cause your evil ex-husband excruciating physical and psychological pain. But your plan will only cause him psychological pain. He'll suffer too little, and everyone else will suffer too much. Don't you think there's a more direct way to hurt the bastard?
MALENA: I suppose.
ANYA: You're a witch. A very powerful witch.
MALENA: The most powerful in the kingdom.
ANYA: Did you use magic to help your husband?
MALENA: Many times. He owes his life and his wealth to my magic.
ANYA: Then why not use magic to hurt him as well?
MALENA: I plan to us magic to kill his wife and her father.
ANYA: Isn't there an easier way? Malena, couldn't you just do a spell to, say, but boils on his penis?
Malena laughs.
MALENA: I don't know that one.
ANYA: I see. So you just skipped straight to the killing spells. How, by the way, were you going to kill them?
MALENA: By giving them poisoned clothing.
ANYA: Haven't heard of anyone trying that one since, well, since people stopped being gullible enough to fall for it. Why not just, oh, I don't know, flay them alive?
MALENA: You can do that? With magic?
ANYA: Well, I can't.
MALENA: But you know someone who can. Could you introduce me?
ANYA: under her breath Wouldn't that be one helluva get together. Now Malena, there's something you should know about me. Vengeance is my job. I have helped thousands upon thousands of scorned women. And I'm going to help you. If you follow my advice, your husband will suffer horribly, that stupid girl he's married will be humiliated, and you will get your children back.
MALENA: What about her father?
ANYA: He'll also be humiliated. And possibly covered in festering sores. We'll have to see where the vengeance takes us. But first of all, take me to your home.
Anya and Malena disappear and reappear in a home in a bustling provincial city. Anya looks around, a little stunned.
ANYA: Did you just teleport?
MALENA: That's how I travel.
Her two sons run up and hug her.
ANYA: You'll have to teach me how you do that.
Spike receives a hero's welcome from the grateful villagers. He has no problem basking in the undeserved adulation and being rewarded for his predatory behavior.
KREON: Would you like something to drink?
SPIKE: Had my fill of blood for now. Got any beer? Ale? Mead? Stuff you drink to feel tipsy?
KREON: We have wine.
SPIKE: That'll do.
Kreon pours him a mug. Spike downs it.
SPIKE: Not bad. A little weak, maybe.
He puts back another glass, then meets Kreon's family: his mother Doris, Penelope, Andrea and 11 year-old Atalanta. Like everyone else (except Kreon) they are simultaneously awed and unsettled by Spike.
SPIKE: I'm sorry to hear about your husband. How long ago was that?
DORIS: Eight years. My son was only twelve.
SPIKE: Pretty young to become the man of the house.
DORIS: My husband's brother, helped out. Until he was also killed. Thank you, for what you did.
SPIKE: You're welcome Doris. But it was nothing, really.
KREON: You're right. That's just the beginning. I should take you to Zalpa.
SPIKE: Wait. What's Zalpa?
ATALANTA: You have funny hair. Can I touch it?
Spike looks down at the 11 year-old.
SPIKE: No.
ATALANTA: Why does it look like wool? And why doesn't it move when you move? Do you use oil? Glue?
SPIKE: Curious little tyke. What's Zalpa?
KREON: Our people's leading city. They need to hear the news. Tens of thousands will celebrate your arrival.
SPIKE: That many? I suppose it would be wrong for me to let the people down.
Kreon gets the two best horses from the wealthiest man in town and they take off. Kreon's somewhat surprised by how awkward Spike is on horseback. Spike has begun to realize that Kreon is using him. But he can't help but be seduced by Kreon's promises that he'll be given the rock star treatment. So he decides to play along and see where this adventure leads. He does worry about being brought into a war where Willow and Kennedy may be on the other side. However, he knows the two of them would never attack other humans, which means he would risk nothing by fighting a purely defensive war.
KREON: Why didn't you kill them?
SPIKE: I don't do that anymore. Not to people.
KREON: Not even in self-defense?
SPIKE: Defended myself quite well without killing.
KREON: I forgot. Why kill when you're invincible.
SPIKE: I'm not invincible. Nearly invincible, perhaps.
Zalpa is 20 miles to the east of Kreon's home town. When they are about halfway there, the two of them notice an armored rider galloping at top speed towards them from the north. The rider cuts right in front of them, forcing their horses to stop. Then it wheels behind them. Kreon and Spike turn their horses around.
PANTHESILEA: So you're the new champion.
Spike can hardly see her face from beneath the Corinthian helmet, which only exposes her eyes and mouth. He laughs at her choice of words.
SPIKE: I'm neither. But I am the bloke who taught your sisters a lesson. That why you're here?
PANTHESILEA: I am Queen Panthesilea. I have come to challenge you.
SPIKE: Sorry love. Don't do fight ladies to the death anymore.
Panthesilea dismounts, as does Kreon. He pulls on Spike's arm and convinces him to dismount as well. Kreon takes Spike off into the distance.
KREON: This is perfect!
SPIKE: Explain to me how fighting people I can't kill is perfect.
KREON: She's the queen. That means she's the head of the tribe. You defeat her, she becomes your slave.
SPIKE: What would I do with a slave? Besides the obvious, which I'm not at all interested in doing.
KREON: In exchange for her freedom, you make her pledge that her tribe won't attack this country.
SPIKE: I could do that? And she wouldn't renege?
KREON: Absolutely. She has honor. Otherwise she would have ambushed us instead of insisting on a fair fight. Plus, she'll be afraid to break her word cause she'll know you can kill her. And there are plenty of other lands her tribe can raid.
SPIKE: You're saying I could solve all your problems by shooting down this one bird? If that's all it takes, why hasn't anyone tried before?
KREON: They have. She's never lost. That's why she's the queen.
SPIKE: Never lost.
Spike smiles. His competitive instinct has been fired up. He walks up to Panthesilea. She's covered head to toe in armour, except her thighs. She's as tall as Spike, maybe a fraction of an inch taller. Her crested helmet makes her look appear to tower over him. He likes her long legs, but wonders why she chooses to hide her face behind her helmet.
SPIKE: Got yourself a deal. Let's dance.
PANTHESILEA: First let's see what weapons you're hiding under that cape.
SPIKE: What cape? I'm not wearing a bloody cape. Oh. You mean the coat? The only weapon under this coat is me. I don't need any other weapons.
Panthesilea takes off her helmet and lets down her long brown hair. Her face is quite striking. Brave, beautiful, and she came to challenge him. Spike's more a little smitten. Even with Slayers, he always had to make the first move.
SPIKE: If that's the way you wanna play, fine with me. I'll show ya mine if you show me yours.
He takes off his coat and tosses it to the ground. Kreon quickly picks it up. Panthesilea removes her bronze corselet and bronze greaves. She's wearing a short, sleeveless chiton dress with a belt around her waist. The dress, which is ruffled just above the hem, comes down to the middle of her thighs. In her right hand, she holds her spear. On her left hip, a sword hangs from her belt. Panthesilea looks at Spike, twirling the spear between her fingers. (She has attitude! Spike would be in love, if only he wasn't already.)
SPIKE: Name's Spike, Penny. I take it you've done this sort of thing before.
PANTHESILEA: No man has ever defeated me.
SPIKE: Good thing I'm not a man. Tell me Penny: do all the blokes like it as much as I do when you come on this strong?
PANTHESILEA: Only the dumb ones who think they can take me.
SPIKE: Careful Penny.
PANTHESILEA: Stop calling me that, Spike. she spits his name out contemptuously, with emphasis on the P and the K.
SPIKE: Careful love. Keep up the sweet talk, and I might decide to take my time with you.
The two fighters stand thirty feet apart. People have started gathering on the hills 150 to 200 yards to the east. Kreon's ridden over the hills to alert to locals and draw the largest possible crowd.
PANTHESILEA: Honestly, I'm a little disappointed. I thought you'd have, you know, muscles.
SPIKE: Like to see if your sword is as sharp as your tongue.
PANTHESILEA: Sure you don't need a weapon?
SPIKE: Yeah.
PANTHESILEA: I'm not.
She throws her spear at Spike, hitting him in the left pectoral, two inches from his heart. It wouldn't have mattered, since Spike grabbed the shaft to make sue the wood didn't enter his body. He rips the spear point out of his chest and thrusts it into the ground. Panthesilea charges Spike, reaching across her body to grab her sword's handle with her right hand, as if about to pull it out of the scabbard. While he watches for the sword, she kicks Spike in the chin with her right foot and hits his face with a left jab and a right hook. Spike staggers back a few steps.
SPIKE: That's the way I like it. Hand-to-hand. Weapons are so cold and impersonal.
Panthesilea throws a right roundhouse kick. Spike blocks it, but before her right foot reaches the ground, she hits his nose with a right elbow. Spike wasn't expecting the elbow. No one had ever done that combination against him before. Penny takes advantage of Spike's surprise by landing a left punch to his stomach and a right uppercut to his chin. The blows nearly knock him down. Kreon and the other observers are worried, while Panthesilea's already robust confidence is growing. She continues her attack by launching a right hook kick for Spike's head. He blocks it. He also blocks her left jab and right cross, then lands a right jab to her nose. She hits his ribs with a left hook, but Spike blocks her right hook to his head, grabs Panthesilea and tosses her to the ground. She quickly gets up and wipes away the blood coming out of her nose. Spike tries as best he can not to notice the blood. He doesn't want to become TOO predatory.
Panthesilea takes her sword in her right hand. She comes at Spike, her sword raised high, ready to swing it downward into his skull. While he's focused on the blade, she hits his mouth with a left cross, then swings her sword for his neck. Spike backs out of the way. She steps forward, raises her right arm above her head and swings downwards. He moves his head to the left and the blade misses his right ear by two inches. Spike grabs Penny's right arm and throws her forward. She falls on her face. When Spike moves in, she rolls over and swings for his legs just below the knees. Spike jumps in the air to avoid the blade. But when his feet hit the ground again, she sweeps them with her left foot and stands up. While Spike is on his back, Panthesilea tries to stab him in the chest. Spike reaches up and grabs her right wrist with both hands when the point of the two foot-long blade is less than three inches from his skin. She bends down and punches him in the jaw with her left fist. Spike puts his feet against her chest and pushes Penny away. She does a forward somersault and gets to her feet, switching her sword to her left hand. Spike stands up and turns to face her as she throws a straight right kick for his chin. Spike moves his head back out of the way. She tries a right jab. He grabs her fist with his left hand. The instant he blocks the punch, she thrusts her left arm forwards and drives her sword into his stomach, right through his diaphragm. Many of the onlookers gasp as they see the blade emerge out of Spike's back. Spike lets go of her right fist and puts his left hand on her neck, stroking her right cheek with his thumb. After she lunged forward to stab him, their bodies are practically touching.
SPIKE: So this is what a guy has to do to get close to you.
After staring into her eyes for a few seconds, and using his left hand to push her head back about a foot and hold it in place, Spike nails her in the chin with a right uppercut. Panthesilea sails 15 feet before landing on her back. The crowd lets out a great sigh relief. The sword is still in Spike, which Penny notices, to her dismay. As she stands up, he pulls it out of his body with his left hand and takes the spear out of the ground with his right.
SPIKE: Thanks giving me a weapon, Penny. It's time I returned the favor.
To the astonishment of Panthesilea and the crowd alike, Spike tosses her the sword. She snags it out of the air with her right hand. By now, she's figured out body wounds won't get the job done. She has to go for the face and possibly the neck. Spike holds the spear with both hands, wielding it like a staff. She thinks maybe this guy doesn't like weapons because he doesn't know how to use them. That could work to her advantage. The two adversaries circle round one another. Spike calmy waits for her to make the first move. She stabs for his neck. When Spike moves his spear point to parry the blow, she quickly changes course and swings for the shaft, hoping to cut his spear in two. But because of his vampire reflexes, Spike spins the spear clockwise, and its iron point clangs against the steel blade. Almost immediately, he sticks his right leg forwards and sweeps her legs out. Panthesilea falls on her back. Spike puts the spear point to her throat. When she swings her sword to cut the wooden shaft, he kicks the sword away with his left foot. He presses the point against her flesh, though not hard enough to break the skin. Weaponless and in danger of receiving a mortal wound, Panthesilea puts her hands up, conceding defeat. The crowd cheers. Spike waits for them to settle down. He knows their antics will only humiliate the Queen and make her less like to agree to his deal.
SPIKE: Get up.
Spike pulls the spear back a foot. As she stands up, he puts the flat side of the point under her chin to ensure compliance and prevent any funny business.
SPIKE: Tell me Penny, what have I won?
She grabs the spear where the point meets the shaft, pushes the spear away and downwards, then pulls it towards her so its point is against her heart.
PANTHESILEA: My life. Make it quick.
SPIKE: You're not the begging type. I like that. Tell you what. I'm going to let you go. Grab your knick-knacks, ride off into the sunset, rejoin your tribe and continue doing whatever it is you gals usually do. On one condition.
PANTHESILEA: What?
She asks this warily, expecting Spike to demand sex. He pulls the spear away from her heart.
SPIKE: Promise me you'll never bother these nice people again. turns to Kreon What's the name of this country?
KREON: Thermadonia.
SPIKE: looks back at Panthesilea As you might have gathered by now, I'm new around here. You give me your word that no member of your tribe will ever again menace or disturb the lands and the people of Thermadonia.
PANTHESILEA: That's it?
Spike realizes he could have tried to negotiate a bigger concession. He looks at her gold rings, gold earrings, gold necklace, and the gold snake bracelet on her upper arm.
SPIKE: Come back and meet me tomorrow at Zalpa. We'll formalize the agreement then. I would appreciate it if you brought tribute to seal the alliance between our nations. And to show how grateful your people are that I spared your life. You're a remarkable woman. I'm sure you would have been dearly missed. Spike's styling himself as the king of a country he's only spent a few hours in. Clearly he's let the people's adulation and Kreon's ambition go to his head.
PANTHESILEA: You have my word.
Spike tosses the spear back to her. Kreon throws Spike his coat. He grabs it and puts it on.
SPIKE: Looking forward to it, love.
Spike smiles. Panthesilea backs up, picks up her sword and puts on her equipment, all the time watching Spike to make sure he doesn't try anything tricky. She doesn't know what to make of him. He acts belligerent, but doesn't kill her, even when she wounds him. He acts randy, but doesn't try to take advantage of her. His personality is an uncanny combination of obnoxiousness and nobility. After she leaves, Spike walks over the the crowd. They are stunned he didn't kill her. But after Kreon explains why, they cheer. When Spike gets near them, he grabs his stomach, grimaces and bends forward. Kreon runs over to him.
KREON: Something wrong?
Spike stands up straight again.
SPIKE: Just a bit peckish. What with getting stabbed and all, I think I need some more blood.
NICIAS: A sacrifice?
KREON: Yes. He needs a sacrifice.
SPIKE: Sacrifice?
He begins to get worried. Nicias comes back with a lamb, cuts the animal's throat and drains the blood into an urn. Spike's relieved they didn't mean human sacrifice. Then again, why did they call it a sacrifice? What do they think he is? Spike lets it pass for now. He drinks two quarts of the blood, feels better, and continues towards his destination. Some of the spectators gallop off to tell people in the neighboring towns what they have seen. Others follow Spike. More and more people join the group as they travel on. The people keep about 100 yards back from Spike and Kreon, chatting amongst themselves. Since everyone's talking at once, Spike couldn't make out what they're saying even if he were trying to listen. He's busy talking with Kreon, trying to learn what he can about the world he's stumbled into and begun meddling with. When he gets within sight of the city walls, Spike dismounts. He's much more comfortable with his feet on the ground. A delegation meets him outside the gates: ten old and middle-age men, must of whom don't look happy. Spike glances up and sees dozens of people peering down from the parapets.
XENO: What do you think you're doing?
SPIKE: What the bloody hell does it look like I'm trying to do?
EMPEDOCLES: It looks like you're leading a mob into our city.
Spike looks over his shoulder.
SPIKE: Can I help it if I'm popular? he looks up at the people peering down from the parapets and smiles at them Just came to tell you I've taken care of your Amazon problem. Made a deal with looks at Kreon, who's on his horse 15 feet behind Spike what's Penny's name?
KREON: Panthesilea.
SPIKE: Right. Queen Panthesilea. Spared her life in exchange for peace. Thought you'd be happy I did such a great service for your people.
PHOCION: There are three tribes. Two of them can still attack us with impunity. And they probably will, after your provocations.
SPIKE: Three tribes. Took care of one today. Give me two days to finish the rest off.
CLEOMBROTUS: And then what will you do?
SPIKE: I dunno. Throw a party. You blokes don't look like the partying types. pauses. smiles Are you gents afraid I'm gonna move in on your territory, take you power? Guess you have a right to be afraid, on account of me making myself so popular so quickly. Those people behind me – hell, I've probably done more for them in one day than any of you have in your entire bloody lives. Good thing I don't want your power. chuckles You know you can't keep me out of your little town. I could kill all of you myself. Or, I could tell the people behind me, and the people behind you – the ones inside your walls – to do it for me. But instead, I'm gonna leave. You don't want me around – fine. Thanks for the hospitality.
Spike turns around and walks away. Kreon gets off his horse and runs after him.
KREON: What do you think your doing?
SPIKE: Leaving them wanting more. Tomorrow, they'll roll out the red carpet. both of them walk towards the crowd of supporters, who are puzzled Tell these people to fan out, spread the word. You and me, we're going to recruit ourselves an army. Kreon smiles
ARISTIDES: Does he think he can intimidate us?
ADEAS: I know I do.
HERACLEIDES: Soon. he'll come back to carry out that threat.
TELAMON: Unless we make him our leader.
DEMOTELES: I think I speak for everyone when I say I would rather die than allow that to happen.
PHOCIAN: He'll be the one to die.
EPHIALTES: The people will trust our judgement regarding this foreigner. They know us. He's a stranger. They'll believe anything we tell them about him.
XENO: Then it's agreed. We stand together and defend our city.
After acquiring two fresh horses from among Spike's supporters, Kreon and Spike return to Kreon's home. They arrive just before sunset. By then, Spike has explained his plan. Kreon can't believe Spike's serious.
KREON: An army of girls?
SPIKE: The Amazons are predators. Predators strike where they see weakness. Spike would know Ten of them raid some field and see twenty armed men waiting for them, they'll leave and find an easier target. Put out an army of men, and they'll stay away until those men have to go back to work. If you're weak, they beat you. If you're strong, they run away. Either way, you can't beat them. What you need to do is lull them into a trap.
KREON: An ambush. I get that. But why only girls?
SPIKE: Because they've never fought before. The Amazons will never see it coming. Not to mention the brilliant irony. But Spike's not sure Kreon, or anyone else in this dimension, knows what irony is.
KREON: Girls can't fight. Spike laughs
SPIKE: Ever tell that to your sisters?
KREON: You're including them?
SPIKE: All girls 14 to 18 who live in the danger zone.
KREON: What about the ones who are married?
SPIKE: They're husbands might mind. Does that bother you?
KREON: Not really.
The poor, single Kreon smiles. He begins to see appealing method behind Spike's anarchic madness.
SPIKE: Plus, we colour the whole thing with patriotism. Daughters defending the sacred motherland and so on. Any bloke resists and won't let us take his wife or daughter, we call him a traitor.
Kreon is easily seduced by Spike's demagoguery.
KREON: Marriage can be treason? smiles Brilliant.
The next afternoon, Panthesilea travels to Zalpa with ten other Amazons. Following them is an ever-increasing horde of jubilant teenage girls.
ANDROMEDA: How are these girls?
PHILIPPIS: sarcastically Recruits?
KLYMENE: They do seem friendly.
PANTHESILEA: Maybe they're his followers.
PHILIPPIS: Whose?
PANTHESILEA: Spike's. A man that powerful must have followers.
ANDROMEDA: I don't believe this. You like him!
PANTHESILEA: No I don't. I'm just curious.
KLYMENE: We know. He's not like other men. You've said that like a dozen times.
PANTHESILEA: Because it's true.
Late in the afternoon, Spike stands outside the gates of Zalpa, waiting for Panthesilea to show up. Thousands of people have come by from the countryside, and thousands more have come out from the city to see the show. The hundreds of rowdy teenage girls disturb the local leaders' sense of propriety.
ARISTIDES: Will you look at what you've caused. You're a menace!
SPIKE: If I wanted to be menacing, you'd be dead by now.
ARISTIDES: Are you threatening me?
SPIKE: No. Just putting things in perspective.
ARISTIDES: Look what you've done! Look at those girls.
SPIKE: Aren't you a little long in the tooth to be checking out those nibblets?
ARISTIDES: Those girls are drunk!
SPIKE: Some of them, yes. Long as men like yourself don't try to take advantage of them, I don't see the problem.
Aristides, aghast at Spike's rudeness, walks back inside the town. Spike doesn't see the harm in alienating someone who'll never like him anyway. A little later, Panthesilea arrives. She gets off her horse and walks towards Spike, as do the ten other women.
SPIKE: You brought company.
PANTHESILEA: So did you.
SPIKE: Not very often they get to lay eyes on a woman of your caliber. Or, in this case, women. Care to introduce me to your friends?
PANTHESILEA: These are the princesses of my tribe.
SPIKE: Brought the whole royal family. Pleasure to meet you all. they look at him with a mixture of contempt and confusion Guess the feeling isn't mutual. I noticed the bags on your horses. Don't mean to get crass, but is that my tribute?
Each of the princesses walks back to her horse, takes two bags and brings them over to Spike and their Queen.
PANTHESILEA: Ten gold talents. As a token of friendship.
The women drop the bags to the ground. He reaches into one of them and takes dozens of gold coins in his hand.
SPIKE: Usually I hate it when a woman says she just wants to be friends.
Spike doesn't know what a talent weighs, so he doesn't realize that he's just been handed 600 pounds of gold. Kreon does. He reaches two hands into one of the bags and tosses the coins in the air for all the people to see. They "ooh" and "ahh" and cheer as the gold glistens in the sunlight. Spike looks at the number of bags and begins to wonder how much more loot these ladies have back at their camp if they're willing to part with this much treasure so easily.
SPIKE: Thanks for the heavy metal. It's an honor to have you on my side. tries to think of something else dignified and diplomatic to say, which is difficult, since Spike is neither of those things. I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Panthesilea goes down on one knee. The other women follow suit. Spike struggles mightily to keep from gloating. After the women ride off into the setting sun, thousands cheer Spike. He leaps atop the city wall.
SPIKE: A give this wealth to the people of Zalpa. He doesn't know this, but his ten gold talents are worth 100 silver talents, which is about equal to one year's worth of government revenues in the city. The town and its people are now literally bought and paid for.
Spike leaps down, lands outside the wall and walks over to Kreon.
SPIKE: Time to go.
Kreon is even more confused than he was the day before.
KREON: You said we were going in today.
SPIKE: I said they'd throw out the red carpet. But it's not bloody time to walk on it. We still have work to do. Things go well, it'll be worth the wait.
Once again, Spike heads west. He has an army to run, an army which by now has swelled to several thousand teenage girls. Spike's standing is such that no man dares try to resist him, and the girls love the freedom and power he appears to be offering. Most of them appear to think this is some roving party. Spike tries vainly to remind them of the seriousness of the endeavor. (he's alternate universe Giles on acid) The next morning, Kleon helps him spread them out around the meadows the Amazons would likely attack. Then Spike goes out on his own to find the enemy. As a vampire, he's about as fast as a horse, but much stealthier. He spots 100 fighters. They split up to look for places to attack. He hears the name of an area Kreon mentioned to him, and figures that's where they'll strike. Spike rushes back to that spot and makes sure the young women are in place. In the meadow itself, four men watch over several dozen sheep, not quite understanding what's going on around them. Spike also hides and waits. The Amazons know not to attack the white-haired man in black. But no Spike and no soldiers means they have the green light to ravage with impunity, especially since Spike's provocative actions have created a de facto state of war between the tribes and the Thermadonians – exactly what the archons in Zalpa had feared.
Twenty Amazons gallop into the meadow, filling two men with arrows. The sheep and the other two shepherds flee. The women give chase, ready to ride them down. A few of them pull back their bowstrings and prepare to fire. Then they hear a terrifying, high-pitch roar. Three hundred girls leap to their feet and charge the Amazons, rushing out from behind hills and beneath trees. the two men and the livestock run the other way and squeeze between the onrushing groups The Amazons turn and try to flee, only to realize they are completely surrounded by hundreds of young women armed with small hatchets. The din of their yelling is thunderous. The horses cry out in terror. There's nowhere to go. Never in their worst nightmares did any Amazon ever dream of this day. Within seconds, the young women converge on their targets. After about a minute of loud and obviously fierce fighting, there is a moment of silence. Then the girls let out a great cheer and disperse, delighted with their success. Andrea runs up to Spike. Her arms and her dress are splattered with blood. Now Spike is horrified.
ANDREA: We did it! We did it!
SPIKE: Can't argue with that.
An already dazed Spike walks by her and gets a look at the carnage. The bodies of the horses and the women have been chopped and ripped apart. All that's left are hundreds of pieces strewn across a literal pond of blood. The site turns Spike's stomach. At the same time, the stench of all that blood instinctively tempts him, so he turns and walks away.
SPIKE: That didn't quite go off as planned. he finds the two shepherds who escaped. They're happy the attackers are dead We should take the the bodies – I mean, the parts, back to the tribe, so they can be given a proper, whatever.
The local farmers load the human body parts onto several wagons. Spike gets 200 yards ahead of and upwind from them, and tracks the women back to their camp, where – with sincere solemnity – he presents the remains to the other 80 Amazons in their squadron. The grotesquely butchered bodies have a crushing psychological effect. When the rest of the tribe finds out, they decide Thermadonia is no longer worth raiding. As Spike travels back, he consoles himself with the knowledge that this one massacre brought the fighting to an end. He soon finds out no one else needs consoling. The country is euphoric. Spike's smashing success leads to men to (for the time being) overlook his grievous violations of so many of their cultural norms. Everyone loves a winner. Around midnight, Kreon meets up with Spike outside Zalpa. All around them is riotous celebration.
KREON: This is unbelievable!
SPIKE: That would be my word for it.
KREON: What a beautiful night.
150 miles to the northwest of Spike, Kennedy and Willow lie on top of their blanket, gazing up at the stars. They know nothing of Spike's activity, since they belong to the tribe that has yet to encounter him.
WILLOW: Still can't get over how different they look.
KENNEDY: Is it just me, or is the moon orange?
WILLOW: A yellowish orange. points up at some stars Have you named that one?
KENNEDY: Looks like a kidney. But that's a lousy name for a constellation.
WILLOW: How bout that one? I think it looks like a hand.
KENNEDY: It does. A left hand. But with only four fingers.
WILLOW: You don't see the pinky?
KENNEDY: I do. I just don't see the ring finger. No that one over there's a crossbow.
WILLOW: Huh. I guess it could be that. If you really use your imagination.
KENNEDY: Oh come on! I let you get away with planet Dagon Sphere.
WILLOW: It's clearly a planet, and it looks like a Dagon Sphere.
KENNEDY: Looks to me like a tennis ball. Does a Dagon Sphere look like a tennis ball? Willow yawns, rolls over and puts her arms around Kennedy
WILLOW: I'm too tired to argue.
KENNEDY: It has been a busy day.
WILLOW: And a fun day. Just like the last two.
KENNEDY: Can't argue with that. I still feel a little guilty.
WILLOW: Why? It's not like we're hurting anyone.
Willow kisses her. Kennedy smiles and gets on top.
KENNEDY: That might not be the case after Marpe tries to get her tongue pierced. Willow and Kennedy laugh
WILLOW: You may have started a painful little trend round here.
KENNEDY: Who finds it painful? Kennedy licks Willow's neck. Willow smiles ear-to-ear as her eyes start to roll back.
Meanwhile, 200 miles to the southwest, Anya talks with Malena.
ANYA: The boys are sleeping soundly. They're so adorable. Good thing you didn't kill them. pauses What's wrong?
MALENA: Hecate has another.
ANYA: You mean the goddess. She's worshipped in these parts?
MALENA: Someone new has gained her favor.
ANYA: Someone new. A new witch. Anya figures it out and looks very nervous I wouldn't worry about the competition.
MALENA: Hecate thinks she's stronger than me. It's because I've been holding back. I must find this witch and show the goddess what I'm capable of.
ANYA: Oh boy. Ya know something? I wouldn't worry about the newcomer. She'll probably leave in a couple days. I'd give her, oh, I dunno, five days to recognize your vastly superior powers and flee this dimension in fear. Besides, using up all your powers fighting this new witch – that's just what your dirtbag ex-husband would want. Save your strength for hurting him.
Malena slowly smiles. Anya realizes she may have a future in public relations.
MALENA: You're right. Speaking of which, I've figured out how to flay him alive. The problems are learning how to do the spell from a long distance away, and how to make sure he keeps on living for years afterwards.
Even Dark Willow never thought of this. Anya realizes she still has a lot of work to do before she can shift Malena's mindset from vicious gore to ironic cruelty.
The next morning, Telamon unilaterally and unconstitutionally declares Spike strategos, making him the general of Zalpa. The people are ecstatic. Adeas, Demoteles and Ephialtes go along with this development. The other six archons silently object to this unforeseen betrayal, but they know it's pointless to resist. After that, Spike becomes de facto ruler over all of Thermadonia. Over the next few days, the mercenaries who fought but could never defeat the Amazons flock to Spike. He uses them to defend the frontiers of the expanding kingdom. (Spike is a hero to feminists and misogynists alike.) Three days after being made ruler, Spike stands in Zalpa's council chambers, looking down at a map. Four middle-aged men stand on the other side of the table.
TELAMON: I've been getting reports of a swamp monster in Loris.
SPIKE: That's 80 miles south of here. 20 miles beyond our borders.
ADEAS: That's the point.
SPIKE: I kill it, I get Loris. What about everything in between?
DEMOTELES: They'll welcome you.
EPHIALTES: Or they'll be afraid of you. Either way, they'll join us.
SPIKE: A swamp monster. Do we have anything more specific?
TELAMON: The other day, it killed a child at the water's edge.
SPIKE: Probably just a bloody crocodile. What the hell – I'll kill it.
KREON: I'll prepare the chariot.
Spike walks out of the room into a lobby. A soldier comes up to him and walks with Spike as he heads outside.
SPIKE: What's wrong, Memnon? Problems in the north?
MEMNON: Just some minor raiding. The garrisons are in no danger. Your strategy's working brilliantly.
SPIKE: And what strategy would that be?
MEMNON: The alliance with the Amazon. She ravages Amastria along its western flank. You use the money she gave you to hire mercenaries to seize and hold their southern borderlands. The Amastrians are too busy fighting off the Amazons to launch a counter-attack against you.
SPIKE: Yes. That would have been a brilliant strategy. Spike's actions have had some unintended consequences But we didn't seize anything. I liberated those people. Your soldiers are protecting them against their former oppressors.
MEMNON: Whatever. Rhetoric's not my thing. But the attack will come. And right now, this kingdom isn't prepared for it.
SPIKE: What are we up against?
MEMNON: Ten thousand foot. Three thousand horse. All heavily armored. And Thermadonia has never beaten them.
SPIKE: Because it's never been united. I can muster twice those numbers.
MEMNON: But you have no armor. Only light troops. They hold the hills, but get crushed on the plains. When you took over those borderlands, you moved onto the plains. Now you have to fight on your enemy's terms, and you don't have the equipment to win.
SPIKE You do.
MEMNON: I only have 3,000 men.
SPIKE: So the locals hafta do the job. What if we gave them longer spears than the enemy has? Then they could hit the enemy first. Of course! Here's what your men train them to do. Get me something to write on.
KREON: Your chariot is ready.
SPIKE: Thank you. I'll be there in a moment.
Anya materializes right in front of Spike. Kreon, Memnon and the four advisors jump back in petrified disbelief. Spike's also a little flustered.
ANYA: We have to go home.
SPIKE: How did you – did you just - ?
ANYA: I need to talk to you.
SPIKE: I have a few questions of my own.
He walks off with her so they can be alone.
ANYA: This is even worse than I thought. It's been a week. You've abused your powers enough. Vacation's over.
SPIKE: I abused MY powers? You're teleporting! Have you become a Vengeance Demon again?
ANYA: No. I befriended a very powerful witch. She taught me a few tricks.
SPIKE: Looks like I'm not the only one who's been having an adventure.
ANYA: True, but at least I haven't set myself up as a tyrant.
SPIKE: A tyrant? The people chose me. They want me to help them.
ANYA: Help? You're spearheading wars of imperialist aggression.
SPIKE: Bollocks! I'm building a nation. If a town asks to join, who am I to stop them? I rule by consent.
ANYA: Spike, I know it's been fun, but it's time to go back to our reality.
SPIKE: Only been a week. Probably isn't even dark yet in Sunnyhell. I still have some time.
ANYA: True. You could stay another week. Or you could do the remotely sane thing and leave before all the enemies you've made cut your head off.
SPIKE: What enemies? My people love me.
ANYA: YOUR people? Will you listen to yourself? This isn't your world. I have to take you home before you go completely native.
SPIKE: I can't leave them in the lurch. It would be wrong. Just let me tie up some loose ends. When I return, it'll still be Saturday night.
ANYA: You're going mad with power. You know that, right? I can imagine what a thrill it is having thousands of adoring admirers willing to do whatever you command. To possess such immense power, to be treated like a living god –
SPIKE: Jealous? he can tell Anya is swooning to her own speech
ANYA: Yes. At one time or another, we're all tempted by the siren song of omnipotence. And that's why you must leave now. If you stay, it's only a matter of time before you go mad with power and end up bald and fat like Marlon Brando in that "Heart of Darkness" movie Xander likes so much.
SPIKE: laughs Me? Bald and fat?
ANYA: I know. The horror.
SPIKE: Anya, I'm not going power mad. I'm just doing what I can to help people.
ANYA: And developing a rather robust cult of personality while you're at it. You're teaching these people to idolize you.
SPIKE: So it's wrong for them to like me?
ANYA: From what I hear, they're worshipping you. Pretty soon, this is going to get completely out of control. These are simple, backward people, and you're taking advantage of their primitive nature. Besides, if you don't come home with me, I'm telling.
SPIKE: How very mature.
ANYA: Hey! That's how you got me to take you hear in the first place.
SPIKE: True. But that means, if you tell, you'll also be getting yourself into trouble.
ANYA: I didn't say who I was going to tell. Have fun. Try really hard not to get decapitated. I know I've said some things you might find to be cruel, but it's only because I care about you. And also because I believe polite subtlety's for cowards. Anya disappears. Kreon, Memnon and the advisors run over
KREON: Was that a friend from your world?
Anya returns to Sunnydale just after sunset. She makes a call from a pay phone on Main Street.
LORNE: Angel Investigations, back in business. How may I help you?
ANYA: Lorne! You're just the guy I want to talk to.
Lorne gets excited.
LORNE: Well then. What is it you want to talk about?
ANYA: It's Spike.
Lorne gets disappointed.
LORNE: Oh. Why?
ANYA: Do you know anything about a dimension called Scyra?
LORNE: Doesn't ring a bell.
ANYA: Doesn't matter. It's the place Fred sent Willow during her fight with Cordelia. It also happens to be an Amazon dimension. Or, more accurately, a dimension containing some Amazons. After coming home, Willow found her way back there and took off with her girlfriend.
Lorne laughs.
LORNE: That, that just takes the cake. more laughter Are you serious? Two lesbians, jetting off to an Amazon dimension? more laughter
ANYA: Do I sound like I'm joking? The good news is they're back. Malena could sense when Willow left the previous day, a half-hour earlier in Sunnydale time. The bad news is, Spike managed to find his way in. Apparently your story of Angel's adventures in Pylea led him to think that he could walk in the sunshine in another dimension.
LORNE: gasps And he burned up. Great golly Miss Molly.
ANYA: No. He's set himself up as a despot ruling over the non-Amazon population of Scyra. Not the whole planet. Just a country in Scyra named Thermadonia.
LORNE: How did he do that?
ANYA: By defending them against the Amazons. They noticed he had superpowers and couldn't be killed by a sword through the heart, so they assumed he was some sort of superior being. In Scyra, they don't have vampires. They have a few demons, but they're just non-verbal animals. They've never seen anything like Spike.
LORNE: And I assume he's taken full advantage of their ignorance. What exactly has he done?
ANYA: He's embarked on a program of territorial expansion and initiated some sort of cultural revolution. He's only been there a week. He can stay for a couple more weeks still return here before sunrise. Given what's he's accomplished in a week, I'd hate to give him a month.
LORNE: What do you want me to do about it?
ANYA: I want you to tell Angel. He shows up, they no longer think Spike's so special. Angel ruins Spike's fun, Spike goes home.
LORNE: Interesting plan. Let me ask you a question. Do you really care about the people in this dimension?
ANYA: Lorne, please. Could you get any cattier?
LORNE: Actually, I can get a lot cattier. But that's beside the point. You're afraid Spike won't come back alive.
ANYA: I won't deny that's a factor.
LORNE: Now me, I want Angel to come back alive. And I can achieve this goal simply by not sending him.
ANYA: I know it's a risk. But that's what Angel does every day. Plus, I think Angel and Spike have this intensely competitive big brother-little brother rivalry, and if Angel finds out Spike's being worshipped in another dimension, he'll get jealous and want to put a stop to it. Just tell him. You have the spell. He can decide whether he wants to go. A day there is a half-hour here. And I don't think any of you have plans tonight.
LORNE: Okay. I'll give him the 411, see if he wants to accept the charges.
ANYA: You mixed your metaphors, but I'll give you points for effort. Thanks, Lorne. You're a dear. they hang up
LORNE: A dear what? shrugs and goes into Angel's room, looking worried.
ANGEL: Is there a problem?
LORNE: No. Not a problem. More of a situation.
NEXT: Not to be outdone, Angel becomes King of Amastria. If the people of Scyra worship Spike and Angel, imagine what they'll think of Buffy. Plus, Anya comes up with the most poetic act of vengeance in her 11 century career.
