Anya performs the perfect career-ending act of vengeance. Angel shows the people of Amastria why he's the Champion of Champions. Giles goes on his date. And Buffy learns where Willow and Kennedy have been. Giles won't be happy when he comes home and learns the truth.
Giles and Estella are dining at the restaurant where Wood took Buffy.
ESTELLA: I don't want to sound cliched, but the pattern I'm hearing is every time you think you're out, they always pull you back in.
GILES: It's certainly not the oppressively happy weather or the tacky, unedifying culture that brings me back. But it would be wrong for you to assume that I view Buffy and her friends as a burden. To a certain extent, I need them as much as they need me. As much as I enjoy being around other adults, living my own life, and not thinking of myself as a glorified babysitter, I miss them when I'm back home. And while I'm certainly not bored or lonely when I'm in England, but I do feel like a part of me is missing.
ESTELLA: Like you left your heart in Sunnydale? they both laugh
GILES: Except that in this town, people might take that literally.
ESTELLA: True. Unfortunately.
GILES: I should have expected to feel that way. I didn't, but I should have. I've been closer to Buffy, Willow, and even Xander and Anya, than I have to any other group of people in my entire life. They know me better than just about anyone else alive.
ESTELLA: I suppose that can happen when you're working with the same small group of people for five years. Especially when the work involves risking your lives and fighting deadly enemies on a regular basis.
GILES: Working together to avert an apocalypse, or six – or however many it's been – has a way of forging lasting bonds.
ESTELLA: That probably has something to do with why my family's so close-knit. Not that we've ever prevented an apocalypse. But knowing you live in such a dangerous place does encourage a circle the wagons mentality.
GILES: When did your parents tell you what kind of place Sunnydale was?
ESTELLA: Earlier than your father told you about being a Watcher. I was six – old enough to be out playing with my friends when it was getting dark at night. It was a basic safety lesson: never run into the road after a ball, never invite anyone in after dark, look both ways before crossing the street, stay away from pale-looking strangers. Wasn't until I was maybe nine or ten that I began to understand the big picture about what it meant to be a Santos living on the Hellmouth.
GILES: Was that when you realized you had to remain in Sunnydale?
ESTELLA: No. That was when I went into denial for a decade. I didn't accept my fate until after my sophomore year at Stanford. That's when Vince got his JD from Yale and started a firm right here in Sunnydale. If my brother couldn't make it out, I knew I didn't have any hope. Anyhow, I think you know how the story ends, so I won't bore you with the details.
GILES: You wouldn't be trying to skip over an embarrassing rebellious phase?
ESTELLA: I did get a little wild my first two years at school, on account of it being the first time in my life I could stay out all night without risking a demon attack. The embarrassing thing is, like you, I didn't have a rebellious phase.
GILES: I beg your pardon.
ESTELLA: Don't try to defend yourself. It was the sixties. Back then, dropping out and getting wasted was the height of conformity.
GILES: You think I was a hippie? I hated those bloody fools. Beat a bunch of them up when they booed the Velvets.
ESTELLA: Ah! So you're claiming you were actually punk ahead of your time?
GILES: I like to think I had too many brain cells to qualify as a punk.
SPIKE: Now that I've come to town, there's going to be a lot less fear around here, and a whole lot more fun! the people in the largest of the coastal cities cheer Right now, this is history. he's unintentionally quoting Noel Gallagher at Knebworth in 1996. You know what I've done in a few days in Thermadonia. I've brought them more wealth and security than they ever dreamed possible. And I will do the same for you. For your fair city, today is the beginning of a brave new world. A world of peace, power and prosperity for all at the expense of none.
The people cheer again. This shows why Spike doesn't give speeches. Fortunately, in this world no one is familiar with any of Aldous Huxley's writings. The last sentence was meant as a pledge to help the poor without hurting the rich. Spike didn't mean for it to come out so Panglossian.
Amastria is a flat, fertile plain 40 miles wide and 50 miles long. Now that Spike has seized a ten mile-wide southern strip of the plain, the country is a 40 mile-wide square. In the center of the plain, 15 miles north of Spike's newly-established frontier, is the capital city of Lampedos. It is larger in area and less congested than Zalpa, and has nicer, more expensive temples and public buildings. However, it is less urban in character. Lampedos is home to many Amastrian absentee landlords who maintain spacious mansions in town. More than a third of the enclosed city is parkland or orchards. In addition, Many residents have gardens on their property, producing flowers and fruits which they sell to the city's merchants and craftsmen. Upon entering, Angel notices both the aesthetic beauty and the fact that this city could hold large numbers of refugees if the rural population was driven from the countryside by invaders. After being greeted with fawning gratitude from rich and poor alike (he found this embarrassing), Angel gets right down to business. He talks to the 100 oligarchs in the bouleterion. They don't like what he tells them.
DEMETRIUS: I can't quite believe what I'm hearing. You want to destroy our nation.
ANGEL: I want to save your nation.
DEMETRIUS: You have to destroy are nation in order to save it?
ANGEL: You have to give all your people a reason to support you instead of your enemy. Spike's promises are very tempting to a lot of people who wish their lot in life could be better. He'll lead his followers to ruin. But they won't realize that until it's too late.
ARATUS: Why should we believe you're any different than him?
Angel tries to contain his outrage at this insinuation. He remembers that these people don't know any better. Not yet, anyway.
ANGEL: Because I didn't lead an army to the gates of your city. Because I haven't tried to make you fear me. Instead, I've tried to make you trust me. You gentlemen claim to be the best men in your land. I believe that to be the truth. And if it is the truth, you have nothing to fear from me. The people will recognize your worth and willingly follow you. Everything will be like it is now, except for one big difference: your people will feel a connection to you. They will feel a connection, a loyalty, to this nation. And they will fight and resist Spike when he attempts to destroy their nation. When the people of Thermadonia see the people of Amastria standing together and defeating Spike, they will turn on him. But before that joyous day can arrive, you gentlemen must take the first step. The survival of your nation is in your hands.
Angel's done a masterful job of convincing the absentee landlords that freeing their serfs is in their own self-interest. But first, they're going to make Angel prove his worth.
MALENA: Physical agony isn't enough. I want him to be humiliated. I want his new wife and her father to be disgraced. Especially the father. He's the one who convinced my husband to leave me, telling Jason that if he married Calista he would be made king.
ANYA: An altered consciousness spell could do the trick.
MALENA: Make him believe he's someone else?
ANYA: No. Same guy. Different desires. Like the time I made an adulterous farmer fall in love with one of his pigs. Let's just say his standing in the community never quite recovered. Although I did feel sorry for the pig. Sure, it didn't get slaughtered like all its friends, but after a few months it must have started praying for death.
MALENA: What if I made Jason fall in love with his father-in-law?
ANYA: There's no way to make a human-on-human love spell permanent. After a day or two of getting spurned, you either kill the object of your affection or get over it.
MALENA: There are mutual love spells.
ANYA: Drug both of them? It lacks flair. We have to think of something creative. A punishment which perfectly fits the crime. her face lights up with inspiration That's it! What a brilliant idea!
MALENA: Which one of my ideas is brilliant?
ANYA: None of them. It's my idea that's brilliant. We make your husband fall in love with a troll.
MALENA: What's a troll?
ANYA: A big, dumb ugly monster. The only snag is summoning the troll. But I think we can find a way to do it.
MALENA: Will the monster love him back? Or will it kill him? If he's killed by a monster, the people might say he was a hero who died trying to protect them.
ANYA: Is your husband a big guy? Does he know how to fight?
MALENA: He's huge. And a great warrior. That's what got me to notice him in the first place.
ANYA: Good. Then he'll be able to do what we need.
MALENA: What are you talking about? Anya, is there something you're keeping from me?
ANYA: Don't ask questions, help me out with the magic, and tomorrow you will be praising me from the rooftops. Just remember, I'm the genius, you're the client. starts laughing Sometimes I even amaze myself.
MALENA: I still don't see what's so great about your idea. It's okay. Although, since I don't know what a troll is –
ANYA: You let me worry about that. Prepare the love spell and the summoning spell. I'll handle the troll aspect. hugs the confused Malena This is so exciting!
For the first hour, the Potentials and their boyfriends hung out in the basement, leaving the first floor to Buffy, Xander, Andrew and the other four Potentials. Dawn is in her room doing homework and Willow and Kennedy are alone in their bedroom. However, when the Potentials and their dates start colonizing the first floor, Buffy, Xander and Andrew are forced to move upstairs. Buffy walks into Willow's and Kennedy's room.
BUFFY: Have you guys seen Spike?
WILLOW: No.
KENNEDY: Of course I've seen him. Just not in the past couple hours.
WILLOW: Do you need him for something?
BUFFY: No. It's just, he's not here but I don't remember him leaving. And I've been here all night.
WILLOW: You know Spike. He hates crowds. And with all the visitors colonizing downstairs and the basement, where else was he gonna go?
BUFFY: I know. That's why before the boy parade arrived I went downstairs to tell Spike. But he was already gone.
WILLOW: Don't know what to tell ya, Buff. You're not worried about him getting into any trouble, are you?
BUFFY: No. It's just, I dunno, unusual.
WILLOW: For Spike to go all lone wolf? That's what he is. He likes to be alone.
KENNEDY: Like Greta Garbo. Except that they're completely different in every other way.
BUFFY: You're right.
WILLOW: About the Garbo comparison? I found that disturbing.
KENNEDY: I said only in that one way.
WILLOW: Cause one of them's an iconic sex symbol of, well, ambiguous orientation –
BUFFY: I meant you both are right about it probably being nothing to worry about.
Xander enters.
XANDER: So this is where the everyone's hanging out. Hey Will! You look different. Buffy, doesn't she look different?
BUFFY: Sure. I guess she's a little bashed-up from this morning.
XANDER: I don't think I've seen you this tanned and sunburned since we were in fourth grade and your family spent Christmas in Hawaii.
WILLOW: Cordy did try to burn me alive. Plus she threw a couple energy balls at me. That's probably the cause of my redness.
XANDER: So why is Kennedy so tanned?
KENNEDY: I'm usually this color in the summer.
XANDER: It's still spring.
KENNEDY: True. But a California spring is like a Long Island summer.
BUFFY: What's with the third degree?
XANDER: My sixth sense is telling me my best friend has something to hide. The corners of Willow's mouth always do that when she's trying to keep a secret.
KENNEDY: Do what?
XANDER: Crinkle. Fidget. I don't know the word for it. But she's doing it. It's not a bad secret. Otherwise Willow wouldn't look so happy. She's definitely giving me the smug "I know something you don't know" look.
BUFFY: I think the boredom may be getting to you.
XANDER: You do look well-rested. When I saw you in LA, you were too tired to even drive. I imagine you spent the whole afternoon sleeping.
BUFFY: No. She went out for coffee with Kennedy. They came home after we did. starts to think Xander's suspicions might not be baseless Four hours for coffee?
WILLOW: We went for a walk in the park. You know what? I am feeling pretty tired. So, if you wouldn't mind, I'd to get some shut-eye.
BUFFY: Okay.
XANDER: I guess you'll tell me tomorrow morning. When it comes to keeping secrets, you're nearly as bad as me.
When they open the door, Dawn's outside. She heard the noise and decided to join in.
DAWN: Hey there. You guys leaving?
BUFFY: Willow's going to sleep.
DAWN: Before she does that, can I ask her about the alternate dimension she went to today.
BUFFY: What alternate dimension?
XANDER: Maybe that's the secret.
Dawn goes inside. Buffy and Xander decide to stick around. Willow and Kennedy look nervous. They don't know how Dawn could have learned about that.
DAWN: When I was on the phone with Connor this afternoon, he said that when Willow was in trouble, Fred sent her to another dimension for a couple seconds.
Willow and Kennedy breathe huge sighs of relief.
WILLOW: Oh. That. Cordelia was burning me alive, and I couldn't use magics to escape, so Fred teleported me outta there. A few seconds later I came back about ten feet away from the fire. Some real nifty thinking on her part.
BUFFY: You didn't mention this.
WILLOW: It was only a few seconds.
BUFFY: What was it like?
WILLOW: I don't know. Like I said, it was only a few seconds. I was in a forest. Didn't see any humans or demons or animals. Then poof! I was back.
DAWN: Connor was curious, cause his own experiences. Fred told him it wasn't a dangerous place. She said the dimension was called Scyra. Other than that, she didn't know anything about it.
XANDER: So that's what you were keeping secret.
WILLOW: Yep. My very, very brief adventures in another world. My first time outta this dimension.
DAWN: Anyway, I checked my books – I mean, Giles's books – and I couldn't find anything about a dimension named Scyra.
WILLOW: I thought you were catching up on all that homework you didn't do when Connor was in town.
DAWN: It was just for a few minutes. That's when it occurred to me. Pylea – the place where Fred was a slave and Cordy was a princess – was like Sparta. A warrior elite lived off the labor of slaves. Pylea sounds like Pylos, the place in the southwestern Peloponnese that was on the edge of Spartan territory. So then I thought, what does Scyra sound like? Willow assumes Dawn is going nowhere with this And then I remembered Themiscrya, the mythical capital of the Amazons. Pylos-Pylea. Themiscrya-Scyra. Dawn laughs And I thought, wouldn't it have been funny if Willow had been sent to an Amazon dimension? laughs some more. Buffy and Xander don't get it. Willow and Kennedy look at each other and laugh nervously See. You two get the joke. Willow in an Amazon dimension.
Dawn, Willow and Kennedy laugh a little more. Then Xander starts laughing.
XANDER: Now I get it. At first I thought you meant the river, so it didn't make any sense. But Willow among a tribe of warrior women . . . so the whole dimension would be populated by Amazons? Sounds like a fun place to visit.
BUFFY: Would these women have superpowers?
DAWN: If they didn't, they'd probably make you their Queen.
BUFFY: It would be nice to spend a few days in a society where I would be a leader instead of an outcaste. Too bad it's not real.
DAWN: It could be. It's not like Willow spent enough time in Scyra to find out.
WILLOW: Good joke, Dawny. Very funny. Now, if you don't mind, I've had a really tough day, and I'd like to get some sleep.
Xander, Buffy and Dawn leave. Xander and Buffy go into Buffy's bedroom. Dawn goes to her own room and calls the Hyperion.
LORNE: Angel Investigations.
DAWN: Ugh, hi. Is Connor there? I'm Dawn. His girlfriend.
LORNE: Dawn! Of course. Nice to finally talk to you. I'm Lorne, the singing green demon who performed at the Bronze.
DAWN: I know who you are. Is Connor there?
LORNE: Actually, he's sleeping. Recovering from a very hard fight.
DAWN: Okay. Then just tell him I called to tell him something about Scyra.
LORNE: What about it?
DAWN: You guys didn't know what it was, and Willow doesn't seem to know, but I came up with this crazy etymological theory that it could be an Amazon Dimension. We all got a good laugh out of that joke. Willow being sent to an Amazon Dimension - wouldn't that be a hoot.
LORNE: That's not funny.
DAWN: Well, sorry. Guess it's the kinda joke where you had to be there.
LORNE: Willow was there.
DAWN: I know.
LORNE: Does Buffy know?
DAWN: That Willow went there? Yeah. We all know.
LORNE: Jeepers creepers. None of you know?
DAWN: What don't we know that we should know?
LORNE: Is Buffy there?
DAWN: Yeah.
LORNE: Put her on.
If Giles had not allowed the Potentials to have boys over, Xander and Buffy would have stayed downstairs watching television until Willow and Kennedy went to sleep for the night. Dawn would not have thought of telling her esoteric philological joke if she had not heard Buffy and Xander talking in Willow's room. She would have forgotten the joke and never called Lorne. Anya and Spike would have made it back later in the evening and no one would have been the wiser about their whereabouts. Therefore, if the boys had not come over, Willow could have kept her secret safe. Of course, the boys only came over because Giles had a date. Thus, it could be said that Willow would have gotten away with it if Giles had not chosen to reignite his long dormant social life on this particular night. Clearly, the Fates was against her getting away with an Amazon vacation.
Angel rides in a chariot to the mountains which form the northern border of Amastria. It's larger and plusher than Spike's, with a cushioned bench for two in back. Angel sits to the right of Lysander, his military advisor.
LYSANDER: We cannot let Spike isolate us. As he extends his power south, we must extend ours north. There are three passes through these mountains. The westernmost pass is the highest and narrowest, only wide enough for one man to go through at a time. The easternmost pass is the lowest and widest, but it is controlled by the Uxili, a mountain tribe who make us pay tribute in exchange for safe passage. The middle pass is the most convenient since it is closest to Lampedos. It is wide enough for two carts to pass through side-by-side. However, for more than a decade it has been too dangerous for commercial use. For a long time, their was a magic door through the rocks into a cave along the pass. Few knew about the door, and those who did feared to enter. But one day, three bandits and three wizards from the north country decided to explore. They suspected the powerful magics protected a great treasure. Two-by-two, the bandits and wizards attempted to find it. The first two groups were killed fighting their way to the treasure. The final group succeeded in capturing a fortune in gold and precious gems, and then fought their way out. But upon leaving the cave, the bandit slew the wizard and left his body in the pass. The bandit died in a storm while sailing with his riches to an island in the east. The wizard turned into a beast who lives in the cave and attacks all who enter the pass.
ANGEL: And you want me to kill the monster. Lucky for you, that's what I'm good at.
LYSANDER: And then, having opened the middle pass, I was thinking we could swing east and attack the Uxili in the rear. They'll never see it coming.
ANGEL: I think we can solve that problem peacefully. What is the land like to the north of these mountains?
LYSANDER: Very hilly and rocky. The valleys are fertile but narrow. The coastal plain has few good harbors.
ANGEL: So it's poorer than the land on this side of the mountains?
LYSANDER: Yes. Amastrians are grateful to the Gods for blessing us with the richest lands.
ANGEL: Sounds like up north there's not enough land to go round.
LYSANDER: I suppose. But what does this have to do with the Uxili?
ANGEL: Everything. I doubt they chose to live in the mountains. They extort you because that's the only way for them to make a living. However, if they were given land, they might leave the mountains. Then you could control the eastern pass.
LYSANDER: You're not thinking of giving them our land, are you?
ANGEL: No. I'm just wondering if there's vacant land north of the mountains where they could settle. Someplace that right now is too dangerous. But if we took care of the danger, the Uxili could go there. When I was in Thermadonia, I heard they were always attacked from the west by Amazons. Now that they don't have to worry about that, the people were saying they could graze bigger flocks. If there's a similar opportunity for us up north, that would help your people.
LYSANDER: Our neighbors would be grateful vassals, and our lines of communication would be greatly improved.
ANGEL: Allies. Not vassals. You conquer people, you create enemies. I won't make the same mistake Spike has.
LYSANDER: You like to bring people together. You seek concord while Spike causes discord. My people are fortunate that the Gods sent us you, and not him.
ANGEL: I don't think your Gods deserve the credit. Or the blame.
Three hundred miles to the west, peaceful Masistia is disturbed by a most unwelcome visitor.
OLAF: I am Olaf, ravager of cities and destroyer of women! he's a bit rusty, having spent the last two years in a boring troll dimension Bring me virgins and babies. Defy me and you will feel my horrible wrath!
The people have never seen a troll, or any other kind of non-human monster who can talk. They run away screaming, mothers carrying their crying children. Olaf destroys their huts and rips their olive trees out of the ground. The few brave men who seek to defend their property are easily knocked unconscious by Olaf. He bats away the javelins they throw at him as if these were toy weapons. Hundreds huddle at a nearby temple to seek the Gods' protection. Olaf slows down to drink what wine he can find, then attacks the temple. The people flee. Olaf pulls down the columns supporting the edifice, destroying it before resuming his pillaging. He stomps on sheep and tackles horses, breaking their spines with his fists. As he rampages from village to village, the people flee to the safety of nearby hills and mountains. Some of the more clever Masistians notice that the monster likes wine. They leave large quantities of it in his path, hoping to get him drunk so he passes out and they can cut off his head. The news of the disturbance soon reaches the king in his capital city of Pherae.
JASON: I'm going out there.
CALLIOPE: Darling, you heard the reports. No man or beast can stand up to this monster.
COENUS: Then we send an army.
JASON: I'm going alone.
COENUS: That's absolute madness.
JASON: I am afraid of no beast.
COENUS: You don't know what you're walking into.
JASON: I have seen and fought things that you cannot imagine. I will show your people what their king is made of.
Jason gallops on his horse past the fleeing citizens of his country, urging them to remain calm. When he nears Olaf, Jason dismounts. He wears no armor or helmet, and carries only a dagger on his belt Jason is tall and bulky, like a pro wrestler. He is only an inch shorter than Olaf.
OLAF: Bring me babies! Bring me babies or I shall burn your farms and slaughter every last one of your animals. I have had my fill of mead. Bring me babies!
Olaf knocks down a few more houses and uproots a few more trees.
OLAF: I am bored of destroying your pitiful possessions. How many of your women will I have to ravage before any of you small and toylike men stand up to me so I can grind your bones into dust?
JASON: Want someone to grind? Start with me, ugly man.
Olaf looks at Jason from 30 feet away and laughs.
OLAF: You shall do for now, foolishly brave one.
Olaf roars and charges at Jason. Jason charges Olaf. At the last instant, he falls to the ground and trips Olaf up. The troll does a forward somersault, creating a cloud of dust. He stands up and turns to face Jason.
OLAF: You are clever, but weak.
Olaf throws a right hook. Jason blocks the punch and grabs Olaf's right arm with both hands. He wants to throw Olaf over his shoulder, but Olaf is too heavy, and he hits Jason in the stomach with a left uppercut. Jason grabs Olaf's chest with both hands, puts his left foot behind Olaf's right foot, and pushes Olaf. He trips over Jason's leg and falls on his back. While the troll is down, Jason hits him in the stomach with his right fist. Then he grabs Olaf's horns and moves behind him, hoping to snap the beast's neck. Olaf reaches both arms back, grabs Jason's legs and hurls him upwards. Jason flips through the air and lands with a mighty thud. Olaf kicks him and Jason rolls along the ground. He stands up and charges Olaf before the troll can throw another blow. He tries to drive Olaf backwards, but Olaf only backs up one step before steadying himself and stopping Jason in his tracks.
OLAF: Perhaps you are not as clever as I thought.
Jason head butts Olaf in the nose. Olaf gets mad and drives his left fist down onto the top of Jason's head. Jason's legs wobble, but he stays on his feet. The next time he looks into Olaf's eyes, a white glow moves across Jason's eyes.
JASON: Why are we fighting?
Olaf tosses Jason backwards and to the ground. Jason lands in a cloud of dust but stands up before Olaf can reach him.
JASON: Is it because I called you ugly? I'm sorry. You're not at all ugly.
Olaf sends a right hook for Jason's face. He backs up out of the way.
OLAF: Your mental tricks have no effect on Olaf. Silly man. Thinking you can charm your way out of a beating.
Olaf lunges at Jason, who grabs the troll and tries to throw him. Jason isn't strong enough, and Olaf ends up throwing Jason over his shoulder. His back crashes into the earth, knocking the wind out of him. Olaf lies on top of Jason, ready to deliver a fatal blow. Jason reaches his arms up, grabs Olaf's head, pulls the troll towards him and kisses him on the lips. Olaf stands up and wipes his lips in disgust. Then things start to feel very different inside him. Olaf grimaces in pain.
OLAF: You have poisoned me. You wicked, cowardly, womanish man.
Olaf cries out as the pain intensifies. He looks down at the awful man who did him in. Jason is wide-eyed and smiling.
JASON: You're a man. I knew that all along. You're a man.
Olaf feels the top of his head. No horns. He feels his face. He looks at his hands. The urge to destroy has disappeared. Jason stands up. Olaf stands there in complete and utter shock.
OLAF: It's been so long. I never thought I'd return. But you. You brought me back.
Jason and Olaf stand there smiling and gazing into each other's eyes – two big, burly macho men in love. Larry would have approved Anya stands on a nearby hill, laughing so hard that she starts crying. When she regains her composure, Anya teleports back to Malena's house to tell her the good news. Malena looks terrified. Someone else is in the room. He turns around.
DEHOFREN: Hello Anyaka. Back in business?
Anya looks terrified and backs away from him. She stands against the side wall. Malena is against the back wall, in front of Anya and to her right.
ANYA: DeHofren, she has nothing to do with this.
DEHOFREN: She has everything to do with this. You made sure of that, Anyaka.
ANYA: What do you want?
DEHOFREN: The question at hand is What do YOU need? You need to be punished. This will cost you more than your last infraction. Malena, would you tell Anyaka what she's won?
MALENA: I won't let you kill my children, whatever you are.
DEHOFREN: I forgot. There are some things only a mother should do. Tell you what. Since you're not the one being punished, I'll make sure you won't have to live to see your sons die. It's Anya who deserves to watch.
Now Anya really is crying. She knows there's nothing she can do to stop DeHofren or convince him to change his mind. DeHofren puts his right hand against Malena's chest and starts extracting her soul. She cries out in agony, then pleads for help. She's already tried all the magics she knows. Her only hope is to seek outside assistance.
MALENA: Goddess Hecate . . . I beg you in my hour of need . . . save your most faithful, most humble servant . . .
DEHOFREN: Unlike me, the gods don't make house calls.
A few seconds later, DeHofren looks confused. She should be vaporized by now. Instead, Malena appears to be recovering. Her breathing slows back down to normal. She looks at DeHofren and smiles wickedly. By now he's very worried.
MALENA: That's because she doesn't need to.
DeHofren tries to teleport out of Scyra. But for the first time in his long, long career, he can't leave when he wants to. DeHofren screams in terror as he is sucked out of Malena's house. He feet leave first and his head leaves last. A few seconds later and a few hundred miles away, the three priestesses who sent Willow back to the Hyperion watch as DeHofren is sucked into an urn, which they seal. Back at Malena's house, Anya is speechless. Malena gives Anya one of her trademark intense stares.
MALENA: He picked the wrong women to mess with.
ANYA: How . . . how did you - ?
MALENA: Wasn't me.
Buffy, Dawn and Xander walk back into Willow's room. The lights are off. Willow actually is asleep. Buffy flips them on. Kennedy sits up and looks at the three of them. She can see they are quite mad.
BUFFY: Wake Willow up.
KENNEDY: Willow, honey . . .
A groggy Willow opens her eyes and sees her friends.
WILLOW: What's going on?
BUFFY: Dawn called LA and told Lorne her funny joke about Scyra being an Amazon dimension. He didn't find it so funny. And with Spike over there, neither do I.
ANGEL: Any idea how big this thing is, or what it looks like?
LYSANDER: All I know is that when people walk by, it sticks its neck out of the cave and devours them whole.
ANGEL: Big, but immobile. I can handle that.
Lysander and the other men hang back 50 yards from the cave. Angel slowly approaches, listening for the monster. When he is 30 feet in front of the cave, the creature's head shoots out, makes a lightning-fast right turn and goes for its prey. Surprised by quickness of its neck, Angel doesn't have time to swing his sword. All he can do is leap up the sheer rock face and climb to safety 20 feet up. At least now he knows the creature's range. Since it knew where he was before it could see him, he assumes its hearing is even better than his own. (Or perhaps it felt the vibrations of someone approaching. Either way, it will be hard to sneak up on.) Angel realizes his only hope is to be quicker than the great beast. He scurries along the rock face until his is 30 feet right above the cave opening. The demon shoots its neck up. Angel leaps to the rock face on the other side of the pass, twenty feet away. The beast's head quickly lunges for Angel. He climbs out of reach just in time. He felt the demon's nose rub against his left ankle. Angel looks over his shoulder at the animal's open jaws only a few feet below him. Its roar is deafening, and its stinking, bloody breath pours over Angel. He climbs up to the top of the rock face 50 feet above the ground. The animal's head slips out of sight and back into the cave.
Angel now knew the dragon's neck was both fast and flexible. When he was directly above the cave, the dragon twisted its neck 180 degrees around to face him. It didn't appear to have any readily exploitable weakness. So Angel decided to exploit one of the dragon's strengths. He picks up a boulder and hurls it down to the ground 50 feet below. The instant the boulder crashes into the gravel, Angel leaps down. By the time the dragon's head has emerged, Angel is already in mid-air. The dragon shoots its head 20 feet straight out, going for the object which it sensed landing. When it reaches that object, it realizes it has been tricked. By then Angel is on the ground and has already sliced through the left side of the dragon's neck with his sword. The dragon screeches and shoots its head back towards Angel. Holding the sword in his left hand, Angel stabs through the creature's skull and into its brain an instant before its gaping jaws would have swallowed him. When it stops moving, Angel makes sure to sever the head just in case. He then goes inside the cave to get a look at the rest of the creature. He cuts through the neck where it meets the body, once again just to be sure. The body itself is gigantic and bulbous. There are no legs and no tail. The body just lay there, and the dragon hibernated until the noise of approaching prey roused it from its sleep. Angel thought it looked like a tailless, legless, carnivorous brontosaurus. Confident the beast was dead, Angel emerges from the cave. The onlookers have walked up to get a look at his kill. They are enormously impressed, and were awed by Angel's agility and leaping ability. This proved to them that he truly was superhuman, not to mention brave and heroic.
ANGEL: Guess that's taken care of. What's next?
LYSANDER: We head through the pass. See what's on the other side.
ANGEL: Makes sense.
SILENUS: How many other beasts have you slain?
ANGEL: Depends on your definition of beast.
SILENUS: Are you a professional champion?
ANGEL: If you mean "Do I do this a lot," the answer's yes. If you mean "Do I get paid for it," the answer's only rarely.
SILENUS: Tell me about your victories.
The group heads north and Angel tells his war stories.
Estella is driving Giles home.
ESTELLA: I know you've had more than your share of existential crises, but I get the sense that this one is different, and somehow worse.
GILES: They're all different. However, this one is unique in that our enemy seems to be intent on obliterating the Slayer institution itself. It behaves as if its goal is not to destroy the world, but rather to render it defenseless.
ESTELLA: So this one's no ordinary apocalypse. laughs As if such a thing is possible.
GILES: Only on the Hellmouth.
ESTELLA: If there's anything you need, in terms of resources or infrastructure, just ask. I have access to a few million in discretionary funds.
GILES: That's very generous of you Stella, but honestly I don't even see how we could use that much money. Buffy and the rest of us are accustomed to saving the world on the cheap. thinks for a few seconds I did max-out all my credit cards bringing the Potentials here, but I'd feel wrong using public moneys to cover personal debts. Besides, the Council is supposed to reimburse me, once it comes back into existence.
ESTELLA: You're basically an academic. Think of it as a research grant. Just wanted you to know I'm here to help.
She pulls into Buffy's driveway and the two of them walk to the porch. The porch light is off. This strikes Giles as unusual.
GILES: I had a wonderful time tonight.
ESTELLA: Maybe we could do it again sometime?
GILES: I'd like that. Good night, for now.
Giles hears noises, so he turns on the light. On the right side of the porch, Amanda and Preston sit on a bench, making out. They stop when the light goes on and notice they have company.
AMANDA: Mister Giles! Hi. You're back already.
PRESTON: Hey aren't you the Mayor?
ESTELLA: I'll give you a call. Take care, Rupert.
Estella walks back to her car. Amanda and Preston ruined any chance for a good night kiss.
GILES: Wouldn't the two of you feel safer inside the house?
AMANDA: I guess that would protect us from – We'll be right in.
Giles enters the house. It's nine o'clock – two hours after he left with Estella, ninety minutes after the boys arrived and a half hour after Lorne told Buffy about Spike's adventures. The lights in the living room are dimmed. Sade is playing on the stereo. Giles cringes. He thinks maybe Buffy was right when she opposed letting the boys come over. Giles doesn't bother to look into the room. He walks down the hall, through the kitchen and looks out the window. Prashant and Madari sit on the back porch, talking with the outside light on. Giles decides not to interfere since unlike Amanda, Madari could see approaching danger in time to duck back inside. Chao-Ahn, Fadila, Izora and Ariella are playing mah-jong in the dining room. Giles doesn't try to find the other girls. Rona and Clarence are on the living room couch. Rose and Eric are in the sitting room between the living room and the kitchen. Molly and Keith are in the basement. Giles heads upstairs. Dawn's not in her room. Buffy's not in hers. Giles knocks on Willow's door, then enters.
GILES: So this is where everyone's hiding out.
WILLOW: How was your date?
GILES: It went well.
KENNEDY: What did the two of you talk about?
GILES: Buffy, is something wrong?
He can tell from the look on her face that she's worried. The room goes silent.
BUFFY: It's about Spike.
GILES: Is it the First? Have they triggered him?
BUFFY: No. It's definitely not the First. Spike's gone.
GILES: You mean he left town?
DAWN: That would be an understatement.
GILES: What's going on? What happened?
XANDER: Trust me when I say you are not going to believe this.
Angel and the men walk ten miles north from the pass. All they see is wasteland: rotting abandoned settlements, weed-choked fields, animal carcasses and bleached human bones.
SILENUS: Looks like the work of one of the savage forest tribes from the west.
ANGEL: Humans didn't do this. Quiet.
Angel listens for five seconds. Then he turns to the men and points to a hill 200 yards to the east.
ANGEL: Get away, now! Go to the top of that hill and barricade yourselves behind the animals.
LYSANDER: Why?
Angel turns around again. This time he is bumpy.
ANGEL: Get out!
The men run up the hill. The people in Scyra think Spike's and Angel's vampire faces represent their ability (as Gods) to morph into animals. Angel looks west, bends his knees and gets ready to fight.
ANGEL: (playfully) I can hear you. he makes a low growl Step on up and we'll find out how tough you really are. more growling
The animal comes out from behind a tree and approaches Angel. It walks on four legs, like a dog or cat. A really, really big dog or cat. The animal is twelve feet long from nose to tail, and four feet tall. It's skin is thick, bumpy and dark green with black stripes. Along its spine are a series of three inch-tall red triangular spikes. Its tail and feet are a bluish green. Its eyes are black with red irises. The back of the animal's head is rounded, though its face is flattened, except for its massive jaws which jut out as it grits its teeth and growls under its breath. Angel can't help but be intimidated.
ANGEL: Here kitty kitty. he smiles nervously
Two inch-long spikes shoot out of its tail, and the animal roars as it leaps for Angel's head. He leaps ten feet into the air, and the beast only succeeds in slashing the outside of his left calf. Angel lands. The animal turns around to face him.
ANGEL: You weren't expecting that, were you?
The animal charges Angel and goes up on its hind legs. Before it gets close enough to bite him, Angel hits the beast in the nose with a quick combination of left and right jabs. The animal falls down. Angel notices ten slash marks across his chest. The kitty swiped him with both paws. Angel doesn't know how it got within range. He soon figures it out. While watching the animal charge towards him, he sees the silver claws on its front paws go from two inches-long to six inches-long. When the monster slashes for his face and neck, Angel ducks down and puts his arms around its belly, pushing it onto its back. The animal rolls around, but Angel hangs on, his head a foot below the monster's chin so that it is unable to bite him. Angel bites its neck, going for the jugular. The monster retracts its claws, pins Angel on his back with its paws, and tries to bite his face off. Angel puts his left hand against the animal's chin, hoping to hold it off long enough for Angel to grab his sword in his right hand and stab the beast through the heart. He succeeds and forces the sword in one end of the beast and out the other. He pushes the animal's one-ton body off of him and stands up. Angel walks away, smarting from his wounds.
When he bit the animal, he didn't drink. But of course some blood got into his mouth. He notices the blood tastes funny. It isn't animal blood. Angel turns around. Thirty feet in front of him, the beast slowly gets back on its feet.
ANGEL: Shoulda known you were a demon kitty.
Angel brandishes his sword as the giant demon kitty approaches. When it leaps for his chest, Angel jumps to his right and rolls along the ground. He gets up, and the animal charges in an arc for his flanks, circling Angel and pinning him in place. Angel waits for an opening. When the kitty sticks its head too close, Angel swings for it with his sword. The demon quickly backs up. When it circles round and tries to lunge in and bite his legs from behind, and Angel kicks the demon kitty in the head. From a dead stop, it leaps for Angel's neck. He does not have time to jump out of the way, but he does have time to jump thirty feet backwards. The animal keeps coming at him. Angel raises his sword and prepares to slash its head if it tries to bite him. Instead, the monster doesn't leap up. It just runs straight through Angel, knocking him to the ground. Angel gets to his feet. The demon kitty spins around and hits him in the legs with its spiked tail, wounding Angel and putting him on his back. When it tries to get on top of him, Angel strains to push the demon back with his feet. Not able to remain balanced on only its hind legs, the beast backs up and lets Angel stand. It tries to bite him in the knees. Angel swings his sword and slashes the demon's face. It spins around and tries once again to sweep Angel's legs with its spiked tail. Angel groans as he struggles to jump a mere three feet into the air to avoid the attack.
Angel crouches and stares down his adversary. He even circles around the demon while growling, hoping to make it feel intimidated. Both of them are badly wounded and know they are one mistake away from perishing. The giant tiger demon swings for Angel's chest with the six inch-long claws on its right paw. (The claws can only elongated when they are off the ground.) Angel swings the sword in his right hand and cuts off the claws. But by doing this, he left the right side of his chest unprotected. The demon kitty stabs the right side of Angel's ribcage with the claws on his left paw, driving them six inches into Angel's chest. The demon takes the claws out and goes back on all fours, staying within four feet of Angel. He swings his sword to keep the demon from biting him as it darts its head forward and back. Finally, demon kitty lunges for Angel's right hand. Angel backs up, but the kitty grabs his sword in its teeth, rips it out of his hand and flings it to the ground. Smart kitty. Looks like Angel made the mistake.
Angel darts backwards and side-to-side, trying to keep the demon from biting him. He manages to get fifteen feet away from his adversary. But Angel knows he can't win by playing defense. So he leaps forward and upward. The monster does the same thing. They meet six feet above the ground. Angel twists his body so the big kitty can't bite his head off. Instead, it bites him in the right shoulder. Angel grabs its clawless right paw with his left hand. The two of them fall back down and roll along the ground. By the time they stop, Angel is on his back, the giant kitty is on top, but Angel has broken several small bones in its right paw. It lets go of Angel's shoulder and drives the claws on its left paw through Angel's stomach. He reaches up, grabs the beast's head when its teeth are a foot from his nose and snaps the creature's neck. Its carcass falls on top of Angel, the belly facing down but the head facing up. Angel uses his left arm to push it to the side. He slowly gets up, slashed in the neck, chest, back and leg, spiked in the leg, bitten in the shoulder and stabbed ten times in the chest. The men come down from the hill, astonished by what they just witnessed. Angel stumbles towards them.
ANGEL: So that's what made this such a rough neighborhood. Maybe now the Uxili can move here. he sits down, weakened by his injuries and in mild shock Could I have something to drink?
Aratus takes a leather gourd containing about a half-gallon of pig's blood from off the back of a pack horse and hands it to Angel. The horse's body heat helped keep it warm. When sacrificing to their gods, they had always drained the blood and left it on the altar while they themselves cooked and ate the flesh of the sacrificed animals. Therefore it seems natural to these people that Spike and Angel, being gods, drink the blood that has been offered to them. After all, the sacrifices are meant to please the gods and convince them to help their worshippers, and giving Angel and Spike blood pleases them and gives them the strength to help their worshippers.
Giles oscillates between incomprehension and outrage.
GILES: Spike's a king. There's a dodgy notion if I ever heard one. Over what – Lilliputians? This is beyond unbelievable. Willow, you can imagine how disappointed I am in you. I thought you knew better than to abuse magics for petty personal gain.
WILLOW: Buffy, let's remember I had nothing to do with Spike going over. And Giles, what I did was a victimless crime. No one got hurt.
GILES: Don't give me that. You recklessly risked not only your own life, but Kennedy's life as well.
WILLOW: I took her to a demonless, Bringerless dimension. Scyra is actually safer than Sunnydale.
GILES: Demons or not, a thousand things could have gone wrong. You could have fallen off a horse, or come down with a deadly virus foreign to this dimension, or been attacked by hostile humans.
WILLOW: You're forgetting that this afternoon I was drained. It would have taken me three, four days to get my powers back and been of any use to you and Buffy. Now that I've had time to rest, if you need me to perform a spell tomorrow, I can do it. Without that trip, I couldn't.
KENNEDY: And I've become real good with the bow, which could be useful to a Slayer, since the bow has a shorter reload time than the crossbow. Also, I could chase and shoot down vamps on horseback, though I doubt I'd ever get the chance. My point is, nothing went wrong, and I think we're better off than if we hadn't gone. Not that that's an excuse.
GILES: Then why did it sound like one? I'll talk to you later, Kennedy. Obviously Willow can't be held entirely responsible for the decision to stay in Scyra.
BUFFY: Nothing went wrong! What about Spike?
KENNEDY: We can't be held directly responsible for that.
BUFFY: Then who can?
KENNEDY: Spike, obviously. And Anya.
BUFFY: Plus you started the whole thing. When you opened the portal, you opened, I don't know, a big can of chaos or something.
GILES: Pandora's Box. You opened Pandora's Box.
XANDER: How long has Anya been gone?
WILLOW: About three hours.
XANDER: How long is that over there?
WILLOW: About a week.
BUFFY: So Angel's been there for one week, and Spike hasn't returned? What has he been doing?
ANDREW: This is just like that movie with Sean Connery and Michael Caine.
XANDER: You mean "The Man Who Would Be King?"
ANDREW: How did that end? I forget.
GILES: With the beheading of the imposter god-king.
DAWN: Okay. Bad parallel. I'm sure there's an explanation for why they haven't returned. One which doesn't involve beheading.
GILES: Who are these Thermadonians whom Spike has dominion over? Are they a tribe, perhaps a few hundred strong?
WILLOW: More like a few hundred thousand.
GILES: Did I hear you correctly? Are you telling me that Spike is directing the day-to-day activities of an actual nation-state? Good heavens. Their Earth is doomed.
XANDER: He's never led anything more than a vampire gang. I mean, come on! This is Spike we're talking about. How pathetic do these people have to be to worship Spike?
Buffy doesn't like the gratuitous Spike bashing. On the other hand, she's in no mood to defend him. At ten o'clock, Anya bounds into the room. She's euphoric.
ANYA: DeHofren is dead!
BUFFY: What about Angel and Spike?
ANYA: They're alive. And safe. But busy.
WILLOW: Which one of them killed DeHofren?
ANYA: Neither. Malena did. Actually, the priestesses of Hecate imprisoned him in a Sacred Urn and buried the urn deep in the ground. So he'll be trapped for a long, long time.
GILES: Medea – I'm sorry, Malena killed your former boss? What was he doing there?
ANYA: Coming after me. He found out I was doing freelance vengeance, and planned to kill Malena and her children to punish me. Malena called for help, and apparently Hecate really likes her. It was so cool, watching him scream as he got sucked out of the house.
WILLOW: What happens to all of his Vengeance Demons?
ANYA: I'm not sure. Either they go solo or revert to human form. But the best part was my brilliant plan. I came up with the vengeance to end all vengeance. At least all my vengeance. I made her ex-husband fall in love with a troll.
BUFFY: Sounds funny. But not exactly brilliant.
XANDER: Wasn't your boyfriend a troll?
ANYA: Yes. I summoned Olaf and made Jason fall in love with him.
GILES: Excuse me. His name's Jason?
ANYA: Jason of Pherae, King of Masistia.
XANDER: So how long did it take Olaf to break every bone in Jason's body?
ANYA: He didn't break any of them. Jason's big and strong and a very experienced fighter. He kept Olaf from killing or maiming him until he had the chance to kiss the troll. Then Olaf became human again. THAT was my stroke of sheer brilliance.
WILLOW: Interesting use of closure. What happened next?
ANYA: Olaf fell in love with Jason.
XANDER: Hold on. Are you saying your boyfriend was gay?
ANYA: No. But a millennium of hating women can have its effect. You have to remember, he think Jason made him human. He can't help but love the guy. And they're SO adorable together!
WILLOW: What about Jason's new wife?
ANYA: Obviously there are a few loose ends. Malena wants to find a new husband. She very interested in meeting Xander. Thinks he's the one decent guy in any dimension.
XANDER: smiles Really. A super-powerful, potentially evil witch wants to hook up with the Xand-man. What does she look like?
GILES: I can't believe this. Listen to yourselves. You're being sucked in.
ANYA: She's very beautiful. And she likes that you're brave, but not a warrior, and that you're very good at fixing and building things. Right now, that's what she's looking for in a man. However, she does have two sons. I trust that's a deal-breaker for you.
BUFFY: Forget about her. What's about about Spike and Angel?
GILES: I'm sorry. You conveniently avoided telling anyone how Spike managed to enter Scyra in the first place.
ANYA: I found found a piece of paper with the spell. It was lying on the sidewalk. Then I called Fred and asked her if she knew how Willow could get hold of this. I also told her it was an Amazon dimension, which she didn't know. Spike overheard the conversation. He said if I didn't take him he would tell you and Buffy where Willow and Kennedy had gone. So I only let him go to protect you guys. How did you find out, anyway?
DAWN: I had a really good hunch. A brilliant hunch, actually.
BUFFY: Back to Spike and Angel.
ANYA: They're both safe. But also very busy. Angel made himself god-king of a neighboring kingdom.
ANDREW: They're living as gods?
BUFFY: Omigod.
GILES: I thought Angel had more sense than that.
ANYA: So did I. Apparently we were both wrong.
ANDREW: They get to live as gods?
ANYA: And I haven't even gotten to the scary part.
