Never been close.
I suppose I haven't had the time. My family is one huge catastrophe which has been dragging me down for years. I have no money, a lousy job that pays peanuts.
I've never really though about what I'm missing out on.
Sure you watch it in movies and it's all happy, sappy, soppy, candy and roses, beautiful love.
It's not like the movies though is it? Nothing turns out the way you planed, nothing can be written and acted out perfectly.
Life just doesn't work that way...
At first I didn't realise what it was I was feeling, was it lust, infatuation, obsession, hero worship?
What was this strange feeling which was slowly taking me over?
At first it was just a tingle, whenever our eyes met I would feel my stomach flip but soon it was so much more.
More than obsession... I would stare constantly at those beautiful lips sucking contentedly on a cigarette, deep in thought.
John Constantine.
Even his name turned me on but it wasn't just lust. No, whenever he wasn't there I would dream of the smell of smoke mingled with the tang of whiskey.
John Constantine.
The man who never gave me the time of day, never seemed to notice my intense stares, never seemed to notice how I always scooted closer, how my breath would catch when he touched me, never seemed to notice that I way always there.
Always waiting for him, always longing for him.
John never really saw me.
How could he?
I was the scrawny teenager trying to earn a little extra cash.
The annoying kid who had found an idol worth worshiping.
I was Chas Kramer the nobody.
Chas Kramer the traumatised little boy looking for a replacement for the family he never had.
Yeah, but I wasn't was I?
I was Chas Kramer the kid who had fallen in love with a man twice his age.
The idiot who had picked an exorcist, a hard ass, a man who thought 'emotion' was a cheesy soap.
That's who I really was. That was me.
Why couldn't John see me?
Love.
Heart breaking, soul destroying, mind crushing love.
Who in their right mind would want this?
Who would want their knee's to go weak when John Constantine walked into a room.
Who would want their mouth to disconnect from their brain the second John Constantine looked at them.
Who would want to fall in love with a man who would never know, who would never care how much he really meant to me?
No, love isn't all butterflies and teddy bears.
Love isn't happiness or content.
Love isn't trust of understanding.
Love is for better or worse.
Love is sticking by him even when he calls you a 'stupid kid'
Love is sitting in a cab for 5 hours because he tells you to.
Love is painful.
Love is patience.
Love is waiting.
Love is forever.
