Chapter Twenty-Nine:
Kathryn…
"This is the moment that the gods expect me to beg for help," she said softly, half to herself, half to Skinner. "But I won't even try. I want nothing in the world but myself to protect me… I won't lie down, roll over and die…"
"Kate, what're you talking about?" he asked her, laying beside her. She could feel the slight pressure of him against her. He was on his side, she could tell, looking down at her.
All I have to do is forget how much I love him…
"Are you all right?"
All I have to do is put my longing to one side…
"Kate, answer me."
Tell myself that love's an ever-changing situation…
"Stop this, Kate," he said, his hand on her cheek. "What's wrong?"
Passion would have cooled, and all the magic would have died…
"It's easy…" she whispered.
"What's easy?" he asked. "Kate, answer me."
She stood and walked out of the room. Without stopping, she went to her quarters and locked the door behind her. "It's easy…"
All I have to do is pretend I never knew him on those very rare occasions when he steals into my heart…
She sat at the vanity and looked at her reflection.
Better to have lost him when the ties were barely binding…
Her reflection seemed to laugh at her.
Better the contempt of the familiar cannot start…
"It's easy," she said to the mirror. "It's easy."
"What's easy?" her reflection asked her. "Keeping yourself from loving him? Are you mad, girl? That's impossible."
She shook her head, clearing her reflection of free will. "No, it's easy," she muttered, rubbing her temples. She stood and went behind the dressing screen. She changed out of her dress and into her nightdress. When she came out from behind the dressing screen, she could almost see Skinner waiting for her on the bed. His emerald green eyes, bright ginger hair, the charming smirk…
She cleared her head again and he was gone. She laid down and stared at the ceiling. "Is this how the gods reward the faithful through the ages?" she whispered into the flickering darkness. "Forcing us to prove that the hardest things we've done are easy… so easy…"
She turned onto her side and saw him again. He was sitting in her chair, smirking at her. She closed her eyes, but he was still there. "And though I'll think about him till the earth draws in around me," she whispered into the void of her quarters. "And though I choose to leave him for another kind of love… This is no denial, no betrayal, but redemption… Redeemed in my own eyes and in the pantheon above… It's easy…"
She turned onto her back and stared at the ceiling again. And no matter how many times she tried, she couldn't get the images of Rodney Skinner to leave her mind. It was driving her mad. Then she remembered what her mother used to sing every night before she went to sleep:
There is a time, there is a place
When love should conquer all.
The rest of life is pushed aside
As truth and reason fall.
But only if that selfishness
Can lead to something good…
I thought I knew you, Kathryn,
But I never understood.
I don't know you…
Kathryn tried to make sense of everything that was swirling about in her head. Nothing seemed to come into complete focus. Giving up, she got out of bed, threw on her dressing gown and walked to the door. As she unlocked it, someone knocked. She opened the door, but no one was there.
"Kathryn." It was Skinner. "I came to see if you were all right. You were worrying me."
She sighed and smiled. "I was about to go find you," she admitted. "Come in." She backed away from the door and let him close it so she would know when he was in the room fully.
