Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any related characters/locations, etc.

Author's Note: The title of this chapter comes from the song "Change your Mind," by the All-American Rejects.

Chapter 4: It's just your doubt that binds you...

As soon as Harry made it to the safety of his rooms he called Hermione. She had always been there for him when he needed her. She was also the only one who knew of his love for Severus. Harry knew that she would listen to him without judging him. He felt bad bothering her as she had finally managed to get some time off work to spend with her family, but he really needed to talk to somebody.

As soon as Hermione saw the pain in Harry's eyes, she told him she'd be right over. Grabbing a hand of floo powder, Hermione flung it into the fire and stepped inside. She pulled Harry into a gentle hug and felt him fall apart in her arms. She continued to hold him as he cried. When he had finally calmed down she pulled back and looked at him.

"You need some fresh air," she told him. "Walk with me outside, and you can tell me all about what happened."

Agreeing that some fresh air might be good, Harry nodded his head and followed her outside. Not wanting to be overheard, Hermione led him to a tree on the very edge of school's property, right in front of the Forbidden Forest. Hermione conjured up a bench and sat down. Harry did the same. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

"So, what happened?" asked Hermione softly.

"I did something stupid," muttered Harry miserably.

"What?" pressed Hermione, knowing that Harry needed a little encouragement.

"I slept with Severus."

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'Slept with'? Severus wondered. That made it sound as though it had been consensual, and it most certainly not been. Severus had raped Harry, hadn't he?

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"Why is that something stupid?" asked Hermione.

"He was drunk," Harry told her. "He came over to my rooms for a drink after the Christmas party. He tripped, and I caught him. The next thing I knew, he was kissing me. He started to undo my cloak, and I just let him."

"This isn't your fault, Harry," said Hermione, hearing the helplessness in Harry's voice. "Severus kissed you."

"He was drunk," Harry repeated, tears starting to form in his eyes again. "He didn't know what he was doing. Had he known it was me, he never would have done that. He wasn't thinking clearly. I knew that he wasn't in his right state of mind, and I let him do it anyway because I wanted to at least have one night with him. I took advantage of him when he was in his drugged state."

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What! Severus felt his mouth drop open in shock as he heard Harry talk. He had to have heard that wrong. Surely Harry hadn't just said that he had taken advantage of Severus. It was the other way around. Severus had taken advantage of Harry. Harry was pained because he had just been raped by his former teacher. Right?

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"Oh Harry," sighed Hermione sadly. "You didn't take advantage of him."

"Yes I did!" Harry insisted. "I wanted my first time to be with him so badly that I didn't even care about what he wanted!"

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His first time? Harry had been a virgin? Severus's heart sank. He had raped an innocent. Raped, because he still couldn't believe what Harry was saying. Harry would never want to be with an old, ugly ex-Death Eater.

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Hermione sighed again. She could tell that Harry was getting really depressed and didn't really know what to do. Hermione didn't like not knowing what to do. She didn't like feeling helpless when her friend was in such pain.

"How was it?" she asked, hoping to get a clear view of what had happened so as to determine how to best deal with Harry.

"It was beautiful," said Harry. His demeanor suddenly changed drastically, and he smiled. "Severus was so loving and gentle, but still passionate. It was exactly how I had always dreamt it would. Well..." The smile disappeared as quickly as it had come. "Except for the fact that he didn't really want to be with me. And the fact that he disappeared before I even woke up."

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Severus was in shock. Harry had dreamt about making love with him? Harry thought Severus had been loving and gentle? True, Severus had tried to be as gentle as possible; he hadn't wanted to hurt his love. But he had still thought he had raped Harry. Had Harry really seen it as something else? Had Severus messed up by leaving before Harry woke up? He had thought he had been doing the right thing in leaving before Harry woke up. He thought it would save them both the discomfort. Clearly he had been wrong.

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"Why do you think he left?" Hermione asked. She knew exactly why Harry thought Severus had left. But she also knew Severus. She had seen the looks he had given Harry when he thought no one was watching. She was almost positive that Severus loved Harry just as much as Harry loved Severus. But she was also positive that Harry and Severus were two very stubborn and insecure people.

"He was obviously repulsed by what had happened," said Harry sadly. "He couldn't stand the sight of me anymore so he decided to leave before I woke up."

"You don't know that he was repulsed," Hermione told him, hating to hear that sadness in Harry's voice. Harry shook his head.

"You weren't in the Great Hall this morning. You didn't see the disgust in his eyes when he looked at me." Harry's voice shook, and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "I ruined everything."

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If Severus had thought his heart had fallen before, he now knew that it had taken up permanent residence in his feet. How had he misjudged the situation so badly? He had been disgusted with himself, not with Harry! He hadn't even known that the disgust was visible on his face. Severus didn't need to see Harry to hear the despair in his voice. Severus had been the one who ruined everything, not Harry.

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"You didn't ruin anything, Harry," said Hermione. "How do you know that his being drunk didn't simply give him the courage to do something that he had always wanted to do but had been too afraid to?"

"Why the hell would he want to sleep with me?" cried Harry. "He could have anybody that he wanted to. What would he want with me?"

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What would Severus want with him? Was this some sort of a joke? How could Harry not know how beautiful he was?

Seeing Harry wipe his eyes with the back of his hand, Severus made up his mind. He could no longer hide behind the trees while Harry blamed himself for something that wasn't his fault. How could he possibly think that Severus wouldn't want him?

Taking a deep breath, Severus stepped out from behind the trees and walked over to Harry and Hermione.

Hermione didn't appear surprised to see him there. Whether she had known that he was there the whole time or not, he didn't know. When he saw Harry start to tremble as he looked up at Severus, Severus found he didn't care what Hermione knew. All that mattered was Harry.

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Harry looked up from where he was crying and gasped when he saw Severus approaching. How long had the man been standing there? Had he heard everything that Harry had just said? What was he going to do? Harry knew that Severus was disgusted with what they had done, and therefore probably wouldn't want anyone else to know. What would he do now that Harry had told Hermione?

Not daring to look Severus in the eye, Harry looked down at his lap. He clasped his hands together in an attempt to stop his trembling.

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