Family Feud
Part 3: As Twisted As Twister

As Billie walked into the Candy Store that morning, she noticed something a little out of the ordinary. A long trail of brown goo led her from the door to her office. At first she thought it was motor oil and that Van was already in the process of getting her back for the shaving cream thing by dousing it all over the place, but it seemed like the trail was too easy to follow. As she came closer to her desk, she saw two words written on top of it in the same brown goo that was on the floor… "U SUK!"

Billie touched the stuff with her finger to find it thick and goopy. She put it to her nose for a quick sniff and realized it was nothing more than chocolate sauce. Oh, she was pissed now. This stuff would take forever to get off the floor and her desk, but she knew the person that was going to pay for it.

"VAN!" Billie yelled sharply, letting the sound of her voice echo through the warehouse. She had to think of something more humiliating to do with him other than scrub this place clean with his toothbrush. It would take her a while to figure it out, but right now she was content with her first idea. "VAN!" she yelled again when he didn't answer the first time. 'Where is that little fool?' Billie thought to herself as she walked out of her office and began to look for him. He couldn't be too far away. His car was parked right outside next to hers.

Van had heard her yell and ran up stairs. He looked over the rail as she walked out of her office. She wasn't going to catch him so fast this time. "Damn it, Van! Get your yellow bellied ass out here right now!" Billie hollered heading upstairs. Did she just call him a coward?

"I am not yellow bellied ass!" Van yelled as he stood up out of his hiding spot. Oops. Stupid move… He was definitely in trouble now.

Billie knew that would get him. Van hated to be though of as a coward. "Get down there and clean this shit up right now!'" she hollered.

"Make me!" Van taunted. Oh, he was asking for it now.

Billie went upstairs and grabbed him by the ear. "You want me to make you? I will!" she said as she dragged him downstairs.

"OW! That hurts!" he yelped as she pierced his ear with her well manicured finger nails. Billie pushed him forward, furthering the pain she was inflicting. When they reached her desk, she finally let go. "Has anyone ever told you you're a sadist?" Van asked, rubbing his sore ear. He was amazed that she hadn't given him a piercing.

"Any more smart ass comments like that and you'll be licking this off the floor," Billie warned as she glared at him and turned around, walking out of her office to get as far away from him as possible just so she wouldn't have to kill him. 'Sadist! I can't believe him!' she thought.

Van made a face and turned back to the mess he knew he had to clean up by the time the day was over.

Billie walked around thinking about what to do to get back at him. 'I could pull his spark plugs,' she thought. 'No, that isn't mean enough.' She continued to walk around and ponder what to do. Suddenly she stopped in her tracks. A wicked smile came over her as she came up with the perfect idea.

Van cursed himself for letting the chocolate sauce sit for so long before wiping it up. It was hard to clean when it hardened. 'What is she gonna do to me now?' he wondered, grabbing a few paper towels from the bathroom and started to clean. He continued to scrub as ideas ran through his head. She could mess up his clothes again. Or she could just as easily, get something that would really bite him in the ass. 'Oh boy, maybe, I shoulda thought this out better,' he said to himself.

Billie had the perfect idea. She could remember driving down Santa Monica that past weekend and seeing a guy in a gorilla suit passing out flyers for some local pastry shop. She laughed at him at first, and now knew what to do with Van. Oh, this was definitely going to be the worst thing she had ever pulled. She loved it! Now, how was she gonna pull it off?

As Van continued to scrub the floor on his knees, he heard someone begin to walk towards him and craned his neck to see Deaq suppressing his urge to laugh out. "Chocolate sauce didn't spread out like you planned?" he asked, chuckling at his pun.

"Shut up," Van sharply replied, his anger reaching the boiling point. "Billie's gonna pay for this."

"How many times have you said that now? And how many times has she hit you right back?" Deaq reminded.

"Oh, fuck off," Van retorted.

"Good luck getting her back this time," Deaq said as he left his partner along to scrub the floor by himself.

Van went back to scrubbing the floor. 'I'm gonna get her good,' he thought. 'But how the hell am I gonna do that?' his mind retorted. 'Shut up, Van!' he thought back. 'You can't tell yourself to shut up, you're the one making yourself think!' his brain said.

"Oh god, I'm having an argument with myself!" Van mumbled aloud.

"VAN!" Billie yelled before he had time to answer himself. He was grateful for her interruption, though.

"I'm still cleaning the floor!" Van hollered back as he continued to scrub, fearing she had caught him doing nothing for the last few minutes.

"Get Deaq to finish it. I need you for a special assignment," she replied, walking over to him. Van let out a sigh of relief. He was glad to get away from the floor, and what sweet revenge it was to have Deaq finish the job for him, especially after what he had said.

"What special assignment?" Van asked as he stood up and threw the dirty towels on the ground at his feet.

"I need you to do some undercover surveillance for me," Billie answered.

Was she actually getting over what had happened and giving him a job? Van decided not to think too long about it and replied, "Alright. What am I watching and what's my cover?"

Billie had to suppress her urge to grin wickedly as she said, "You'll be standing outside the Beverly Hills Hotel. You cover will be this." She pointed to a hideous looking gorilla suit hanging in her office. The color from Van's face drained. She wasn't done with him yet, he realized. "You'll make it look like you're passing out flyers for a local business, but I want you to keep a good eye out for the suspects in your new case."

All Van could do was nod as she handed him the suit. He couldn't believe Billie was doing this to him. It was absolutely insane! He'd fry outside in the midsummer California heat. Today it was almost ninety outside. The last place Van wanted to be was inside a gorilla suit. He took the ugly thing from her and slowly walked to the bathroom to try it on.

From behind him, Billie began to laugh softly to herself. Oh, revenge was so damn sweet. There was nothing that could top this, nothing! She ran to her desk and pulled out her camera. She needed a picture to remember this prank by.

Van walked into the bathroom and looked at the suit. "Damn, Billie, couldn't you come up with something better?" he cursed as he wiggled into the suit. He walked out of the bathroom and was immediately met with a laugh from Deaq. "Shove it!" he yelled.

Billie was hiding behind him. "Psst," she whispered and Van turned around. As soon as he did, she snapped a picture. "I'm gonna kill you!" Van yelled at her after the sparks in front of his eyes disappeared. "I'm sorry. This is just so..." she said and started laughing.

"Priceless!" Deaq finished for her as they both burst out into heavier laughter.

"HA!" Van retorted, glaring at both of them. He would have given them the finger, but his hands were covered by the damn gloves that came with the suit. He settled for sticking out his tongue, but was soon met with another flash.

"You set yourself up for that one!" Billie laughed as she put down her camera.

"Oh, fuck you!" Van yelled back as he slipped the ten pound, all encasing mask over his head and began to walk with a very small field of view. "You're gonna pay for this," her mumbled, seeing one more flash go off from Billie's camera before she let him off the hook. Minutes later, he was out the door and at his post in front of the hotel.

"Why is he in a gorilla suit?" Deaq asked as he turned to Billie when Van was out of earshot.

"A little payback for the chocolate sauce," she answered. "He thinks he's doing some surveillance for me, but this is all part of my plan."

"Oh, you're good, a sadist, but good," he replied.

"Is that the word of the day or something?" Billie said as she turned around, her hands on her hips. Deaq merely shrugged.

Van walked back and forth in his narrow field of vision, people stopping and staring at him. Billie and Deaq were loving it.

"Why are you and Van going at it like this?" Deaq asked her.

"No real reason. Besides, Van started it, ask him," Billie told him.

"You two are childish, you know that?" Deaq told her.

"To work with a child, sometimes you have to get down on their level." Billie raised her camera up at Van and snapped a picture in time to catch him running into a middle aged couple.

Van cursed under his breath as he tried not to hit anymore people. It was getting really hot in that suit and he was getting ready to either puke or pass out. If he wasn't careful, he'd probably get heat stroke. 'Take one for the team,' Van told himself. 'This is for the case. You can stick it out for a little while. So what if Billie is doing this for revenge. If you can put that asshole drug dealer in prison for a long time, it's all good.' The self pep talk wasn't working. All Van could really think about was getting out of that suit and strangling Billie. Oh, if only it were that easy.

"Billie, I think it's about time that you called Van back in," Deaq said as he noticed him starting to look a little uneasy on his feet.

"Don't worry about him," Billie reassured. "He's a big boy. He can take it."

"But Billie," he tried again.

"Shut up and enjoy the hilarity of the situation. You're never going to see Van in a gorilla suit again. Why waste the moment?" she asked, keeping her camera on him as he moved through another crowd of people.

Van was getting pretty dizzy. He had gone without water for quite a while now and was wishing he had brought a bottle with him. All too suddenly, the world began to spin. 'This isn't good,' he thought, almost beginning to panic. Finally, it hit him. The heat was way too much and he fell over.

"Shit, Billie! What did I tell you?" Deaq yelled as he ran across the street to help his unconscious partner. She ran along with him, dodging the traffic.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know this was going to happen!" she replied. Billie knew she had taken this prank a little too far and only hoped that Van would be alright.

"Van! VAN! Wake up!" Deaq was yelling as he pulled the mask off his face. He slapped him once, and that's what did the trick.

"What? What happened?" Van replied, sitting up, a little stunned.

"Come on, let's get you out of here," Billie added as she slipped her arm around his waist and helped him to his feet.

"I'm gonna kill you," Van mumbled as he tried to walk by himself, but only fell into her.

"You can kill me later. Let's just get you back to the Candy Store where it's cool," she said, obviously concerned, something Billie never expected to feel towards her dickhead partner. Once they made it into the warehouse, Billie helped Van out of the suit and quickly threw him a few bottles of ice water as he sat on the couch, obviously dehydrated and exhausted.

"What…were…you thinking?" Van panted as he tried, without luck, to open the bottle.

Billie grabbed it and did it for him as she replied, "I'm really sorry. I didn't know you were going to pass out. I really went a little too far this time, and I'm so sorry."

"Hey, it's alright. Anything for the case, right?" he said, taking a big gulp of the cold fluid.

"Um…" Billie stammered. Van put the bottle down and looked at her. "About that case…"

"This had nothing to do with it," he finished for her, obviously a little pissed, to put it mildly. Billie looked away, her regret present all over her face. "Oh, this is low, even for you! You've done some pretty horrible things to me, but this one takes the cake! If I didn't feel so dizzy, I'd probably take you on right now and kick your ass." He took a deep breath, letting the nausea pass, before even considering continuing.

"Look, Van, I'm really sorry," Billie was sincerely apologizing. "And to make it up to you, you can take a cheap shot at me whenever you want, just not right now. You're too weak."

"You got that right," he mumbled, laying back on the couch and closing his eyes. It seemed like the world would never stop going around in circles. Billie walked over to the sink and doused a towel with cool water the sat down beside Van, placing the towel on his neck. "That feels really good," he murmured.

"Get some rest, okay?" Billie replied. "I don't wanna end up taking you to a hospital."

"Whatever," Van retorted.

*~*~*

It was evening by the time Van woke up. He wasn't as warm as he had been earlier, and definitely felt a lot better. He grabbed the bottle of water still sitting on the table beside him and drank it down quickly. He looked around a little and felt like getting even. "Billie!" he hollered.

She was sleeping in the chair next to him and awoke with a start. "What?!" she yelled as she jumped up.

Van laughed. "I'm getting a little hungry," he said in his most pathetic voice.

"What do you want?" Billie asked as she yawned and stretched out across the chair like a big white cat.

"Pizza," Van answered.

"I'll order it now," she said, taking out her phone and dialing the number to the local pizza shop that usually delivered to the Candy Store. Half an hour later, they had their large Chicago style pepperoni and mushroom pizza. "Well, dig in," Billie said when she realized Van hadn't reached for the first slice. He took one and began to eat, his mind working overdrive with ideas on how to get her back.

After finishing the first piece of pizza, Van began to grab for another one when Billie reached out and took the one he was after. Then, the idea suddenly hit him. Van picked up a piece of pizza, and when she was in range, he "accidentally" fell forward and the slice fell on her white silk shirt.

"VAN!" Billie bellowed as he tried to suppress a laugh. "That was my new shirt, you little dick!"

"I'm sorry, it was an accident," Van replied, trying REALLY hard not to laugh at his own prank as he put on his most sincere face.

"Uh, now I have to go and change," she said, getting up and walking over to the bathroom. She tried to wipe the sauce off her shirt with a couple of napkins, but that didn't work out that well. It only made the stain worse. Billie gave up and just took the damn thing off, opting to grab the tee shirt she had just in case something like this ever happened. She was getting used to Van's stunts and thought better be prepared than sorry.

"Nice shirt," Van commented when she walked back to the lounge in the hot pink tee that sported the word "Spoiled" on the front.

"Eat shit," Billie growled as she sat down far away from him and grabbed one more slice of pizza before she was finished. The rest of the hour went by pretty slowly as the two of them lounged around in silence, both wrapped up in their own thoughts. Billie thinking about what she'd do to Van next and Van thinking how good he got her this time.

The silence was shattered when Deaq walked in carrying a bag and a large bottle of water. "I come in peace," he said, standing between them.

"Alright, Dr. Spock," Van mocked as he reclined on the couch.

"Have Van and Billie finally kissed and made up?" Deaq replied, imitating that motherly tone.

"You've got to be kidding me," Billie said as she stood up and began walking out the door.

"Hold it right there missy," he stopped her dead in her tracks. "You're not leaving until we resolve this problem. I'm sick of working in a hostile environment, and I'm not talking about the field work. What's going on, Billie? Why are you pissed off at Van?"

"Van ruined my new shirt!" she hissed.

"It was an accident! Besides, did you tell me I could take a cheap shot at you after what happened this afternoon?" Van nearly yelled back.

"We never shook on it," Billie answered.

"I was barely able to get up! How the hell was I supposed to shake on it?"

"Alright, both of you stop! We're all adults here! Let's start acting like it!" Deaq quickly got between them, stopping the impending argument. "Van, say you're sorry…for everything from the water balloons to the pizza sauce."

He looked at Deaq as if he were a stranger. "What?" Van asked, his voice going up almost two octaves.

"Say…you're…sorry," Deaq repeated, this time a little more slowly to get it through his little brain.

Van crossed his arms over his chest, unable to do what was asked for him. After all, it was Billie's fault. She always started everything. Billie, in turn, put her hands on her hips and waited for his answer. Realizing he was outnumbered, Van finally mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"Okay, Billie, you're turn," Deaq turned to his boss.

"I'm sorry," she growled, really not wanting to make that admission.

"No more bad blood?" he asked them both.

"No," they replied in unison.

"Good." Deaq disappeared and came back out with the game and said, "Okay, now lets all play nice."

He had a big grin on his face, alerting Billie to his idea almost immediately. She rolled her eyes at him and asked, "Are you kidding?"

Van sat there, crossed his arms, sticking his nose in the air as he said, "I'm not playing with HER."

"Do we have to have to have another discussion about being adults?" Deaq asked.

"I'm not the one that needs the discussion," Van quipped.

"And I do?" Billie snapped back.

"Children! Enough!" Deaq yelled. He had both of their attention now, and he was going to play on it. "Look," Deaq continued, "maybe a little fun is all we need in our lives right now. Why not tap into our competitive natures with a good old game of Twister? Come on, Van. I know you wanna kick Billie's ass and vice versa. Why not do it in a way that doesn't require sharp or sticky objects?"

"Alright, fine," Van replied, the idea beginning to appeal to him as he mulled over it. Maybe kicking Billie's ass once and for all would keep her from trying to get him back, but it would definitely never stop his pranks on her, let alone the verbal abuse she'd get for the rest of her life.

"Oh, my God! The child has transitioned into an adult!" Billie sarcastically exclaimed as she threw her hands in the air. "Alright, Ray, get read for an ass kickin'!" she added in all seriousness.

"The only one doing the ass kicking around here is gonna be me," Van declared as he glared at her, a determined look in his eyes deep blue eyes.

"You know what? You two are gonna regret saying that when I kick both your asses," Deaq said.

'We'll see about that,' both Van and Billie thought at the same time.

And so the game began, left foot on blue, right hand on red, right foot on green, and left hand on yellow, until finally, Deaq fell over and was out of the game. That left Van and Billie both fighting against each other in what seemed to be the battle of the century, boss against employee. Deaq was really enjoying putting them in the compromising position they were now it: Van pinned beneath Billie, his arms stretched out across a far yellow circle and a closer green circle while his feet stayed firmly planted on red and blue circles all while facing up, trying desperately to hold himself up as she bore down on him with all her weight.

Billie's position was just as compromising, if not more. Her arms were to either side of Van's as her legs pushed just between his. If she wasn't careful, there was a strong possibility he'd either get a little to happy with their position, or she could possibly turn him into a girl. Whatever the case, she really didn't like being this close, especially since it was having such a provocative effect on her. All too suddenly, she was totally turned on.

Van tried hard not to think about the way Billie was pressing into him, but he just couldn't help himself. The heat of her body so close to his was intoxicating, as was the scent of her lavender skin. If he didn't watch himself, he'd have one major reason to dig a hole in the sand and stick his head in it. The last thing he wanted Billie to know was she gave him the shivers, and not in that scary way she usually did.

"Alright, children, left foot blue," Deaq called out, rattling both their thoughts.

Van was getting ready to move, but just as he picked up his left foot, Billie slipped beneath his right and sent them both crashing to the ground, with her laying flat out on top of him, her lips so close to his that she could actually feel the staggered breath he let out as he tried to get his bearings. Van looked up into those clear blue eyes of hers, stunned. They were both holding their breaths as they realized they were in range for a kiss.

The tension in the air was almost as thick as the LA smog. Deaq could feel it permeate the room like thick smoke as Van and Billie stared at each other trying to figure out what to do next. He had speculated for the longest time that Van's actions had been to get attention from her, and now it was coming together so perfectly. He had Billie right where he wanted her, and Deaq only hoped he wasn't stupid enough not to realize it. The same went for her. She never would have tried to get Van back if she didn't like him, even remotely.

Billie was in a daze. She was beginning to wonder why this felt so right. She wanted to close that millimeter wide gap between their lips so badly, but that would mean giving in to her inner most desires, all of which involved a very naked Van Ray. Billie shook the thought out of her head, trying to forget it even came into it.

Van knew he was holding his breath, but he couldn't help it. He was staring up at the woman he had the biggest crush on ever since they met. If he had it his way, Billie would already be kissing him at the moment, but he had to think about the ethics of such a relationship. If he kissed her, everything would change, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. And he didn't really want to face that just yet. He was already having a hard time trying to forget his feelings for her by playing these childish games, but, god! It was just too hard! He wanted her so badly it hurt! Oh, if only they were alone. Things would definitely be different then.

Billie was the first to move, but only slightly. She shifted her position on top of Van so she was a little more comfortable. He quickly let out the breath he had been holding and put his hands on her shoulders to push her up.

"What are you doing?" Billie asked sharply.

"Moving you," Van replied with as little malice as possible. "You're hurting me."

"Oh, sorry," she apologized, sitting up and moving a few strands of her dark hair out of her face. Billie sighed as she stood up and extended her hand to help Van. He didn't take it, fearing that she'd drop him like she usually did. "Oh, come on, Van. I thought we were past all the childish shit," she said as she looked down at him sitting on the floor. "I won't let go this time." He took her hand and she pulled him up.

Deaq finally let out the breath he had been holding ever since that near kiss between the two of them. "Anybody wanna play again?" he asked, trying to make it look like he had been oblivious to the entire thing.

"No, but thanks for the offer," Van replied as he started to make his way towards the door. He needed to go home and take a very cold shower.

"I'll take a rain check," Billie said as she also made a b-line for the door. She was going home and thinking about what happened here, silently thanking the gods that her instincts hadn't taken over. Oh, that would have been a big mess if she had actually kissed Van. No amount of cleaning would have cleared that up. But that didn't mean she'd stop thinking about what could have been. 'Maybe next time,' she thought to herself, a smile coming across her lips as she made the extra effort to look as sexy as she could walking to her car.

Van took notice almost immediately. 'Damn, she's got a fine ass,' he thought, then quickly slapped himself for it. Unfortunately, he wasn't watching where he was going and slammed into the bumper of his car, causing Billie to turn and look at him then laugh at his stupidity. Oh, she definitely had his attention, now how was she gonna play on it?

AN: Thanks for all your reviews. I appreciate them. Sorry it took so long to update. BTW, Blabbering, The Bill isn't my story. It's ZoZe's. My other one is Allegory of the Club. Sorry for the mixup!
~D