Family
Feud
Part
4: Medieval Punishment
Van walked into the Candy Store early the next morning. He wanted to get there just to see Billie walk in, though he'd never admit it. Van was in the showroom when she came in and had the perfect view. Billie had worn those jeans on purpose. If they didn't get Van's attention, nothing would. Van looked and tried to launch the basketball into the hoop at the same time, promptly missing the target.
Billie knew Van was watching and tried to look as sexy as possible walking into her office. She had gotten his attention. She sat in her chair and fiddled around in her drawer and found a little red rubber ball. Oh, the calamity she could cause with this! "Oh, perfect!" she said as she ran up to the lounge where she had just seen Deaq go a minute before.
Billie ran up and said, "Hi Deaq!" as she looked over the rail for Van.
"What are you gonna do now?" Deaq asked eyeing her suspiciously.
"Nothing. I swear!" Billie exclaimed.
Deaq pointed at the little ball in her hand and replied, "I don't believe you."
"Just sit back and watch. You may have to take one for the team," she answered. Before he could ask what she meant, he saw Van standing ten feet away. He knew what Billie was gonna do. Before he could stop her, she had launched the ball.
"Van!" he yelled, causing Van to turn around and get hit right in the middle of the forehead with the ball.
Billie dove in front of the couch so Van did not see her, but she got up like she had been sitting on the it and yelled, "What did you do?!"
"What did I do? I'm not the one that threw the ball, Billie, and you know it," Deaq said. Van rubbed his head and picked up the ball. There was only one thing to do now. Get them both. He aimed the ball and threw it so it would go directly between them.
Billie looked at Van to say something and saw the ball at the last second then jumped out of the way. "Hey! You big jerk! It wasn't me!" she yelled as the ball hit the wall.
"Bull shit!" Van yelled back. "You'll both get yours when I think of something!" He stammered off towards the bathroom to make sure there wasn't a big red dent in his forehead where the ball hit him.
Deaq glared at Billie. "Great, you HAD to get me involved, didn't you?" he hissed.
"Come on, Deaq," Billie replied. "Don't you wanna get him back for the roller skates?"
"God, Billie! When are you gonna get it through your head that we're all adults here? Stop playing games and just tell Van you like him," he retorted.
Billie's eyes narrowed as she returned his glare with one even more intense. Deaq was tempted to jump back, fearing she'd pounce him for his assumption. "You think I actually like that little bastard?" she vehemently growled.
Deaq held up his hands in defense. "After what happened last night, anything is possible," he replied.
Billie rolled her eyes. "Except for that," she retorted, getting up and walking back downstairs.
Van was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom examining the lump forming on his forehead. Whoever threw that ball was definitely gonna pay, and since neither Deaq nor Billie would fess up, he'd just have to get them both. And he knew exactly how, he'd just have to go to the store to get the proper ingredients for what was to be the biggest disaster in history. Van laughed that sinister laugh and stepped out of the bathroom rubbing his hands together. Oh, this was going to be a very good day even though it didn't start out as perfectly as he wanted it to.
'Oh, shit,' Deaq thought when he saw Van heading out the door. 'He's got that look. God help us all.'
"And where do you think you're going?" Billie yelled when she saw Van grab his car keys and make a b-line towards the exit.
"I'll be right back!" he called as Deaq made his way into her office.
"Thank you," he told Billie. She looked at him questionably. "Now Van is gonna get me too."
Billie rolled her eyes. "It's probably not gonna be as bad as you think," she replied.
*~*~*
Van returned about two hours later, the welt on his forehead growing noticeably, but he was in a considerably happy mood as he walked into the Candy Store, whistling. 'Uh-oh,' Deaq immediately thought. 'This is bad. This is really, really bad.' He knew when Van was in a good mood, it meant he had outdone himself in some way.
"Van, what did you do?" Deaq asked, a little quiver in his voice.
"Nothing," he almost sang, giving Deaq a Cheshire grin.
"Billie!" Deaq yelled as he walked towards his superior's office. "If Van doesn't kill you, then I will!"
"Calm down," she replied coolly. "There's nothing he could possibly do that I wouldn't know about."
"Easy for you to say," he mumbled, walking out of the office.
They spent the rest of the day handling paperwork until it was time to leave. Van couldn't erase the ear to ear grin on his face as he walked out of the Candy Store whistling once more. Deaq shivered at the thought and decided to take a quick look over his car to make sure there was no potato stuffed in the tailpipe and no sugar in his gas tank. After the initial inspection turned up nothing, he climbed inside and drove home.
Billie basically did the same, only she also inspected the interior of her car to make sure Van hadn't stuck any pins on her seat or crazy glue on her steering wheel. When she was satisfied, she started the car and drove to her apartment.
Van stayed back a little while and watched them. He laughed to himself when he realized they had absolutely no idea that the real shock would come in the morning. Oh, this was truly shaping out to be his best prank yet.
*~*~*
Deaq got up and hopped in the shower, he needed it the eye opener this morning. The water was great. He stayed in for about ten minutes and hoped out. With a towel over his head he stood in front of the mirror he said to himself, "Today, Van's gonna do it today." Deaq pulled the towel off his head and stared. "What the hell?" he said as he wiped off the mirror. He reached up and touched his hair. This was real; it didn't come off on his fingers. "Shit!" he yelled as he went over and smelled the shampoo. It was different. Suddenly it hit him. "VAN" he bellowed. Hurriedly, he dressed so he could get to work and kill the little prick.
Billie was in the shower, she had woken up late, what a shock and she didn't have a lot of time on her hands. Somehow her alarm had gotten switched to 45 minutes later. She didn't have time to figure out how it happened. She jumped out of the shower and dried off. Instead of putting on lotion, she grabbed her powder. That would be faster. She sprinkled it on and rubbed it in. She ran into the bedroom and threw on her black skirt and black turtle neck. She had an itch, so she scratched. The itch just got worse. Soon she was itching all over. She went into the bathroom and took out her powder. It said "Itching Powder."
How in the world had that gotten in her cabinet, she wondered as she itched. This itching was driving her nuts! As she continued to scratch, images of Van's cocky little smile flashed in her head. Had that little bastard broken into her place and planted this?
Oh, he was SO dead when she got a hold of him! 'I'm gonna cut his balls off with a butter knife!' she thought. A satisfied grin crossed her lips. She stopped itching for a second and then started scratching like a flea infested cocker spaniel. She stopped scratching and ran out the door to get to work so she could kill the stupid son of a bitch.
Van made it to the Candy Store early that morning. He laughed when he thought of what those two were doing right now. Van knew he was in for it when they got there. He sat down in Billie's office so he wouldn't miss a thing. Soon enough he heard the door slam open.
"Van, you little weasel! Get your ass out here!" It was Deaq. This should be great. Deaq came around and Van busted a gut when he saw his bleached blonde hair. "This IS NOT funny!" Deaq yelled. Van laughed harder. He knew it was only a matter of time until Billie came arrived. He would be so dead at that moment, so he decided to enjoy this now.
Deaq continued yelling at Van using various profane words. Van got a kick out of the whole thing. Then it happened. The door flew open with a bang. "Van, you worthless little shit, where are you?!" Billie hollered in her most obnoxious voice.
"In here, sweetheart!" Van sang, causing Deaq to stop yelling and snicker. "I am gonna kill…" she yelled and then stopped and stared. Still itching she eyed Deaq. "What happened to you?" she asked trying not to laugh.
"Well, because you told Van I did it, he got me!" Deaq yelled at her.
"You look like Sisqo," she giggled. After Billie stopped laughing at Deaq's hair she went back home and took another shower. She came back about an hour later and sat in her office peeling a banana. "Deaq!" she yelled.
"I'm trying to eat lunch damn it!" he called from upstairs.
"Get down here, NOW!" she hollered.
Deaq walked down the stairs and into Billie's office. "What?" he asked, not amused by the smile on her face.
"Well, Blondie, I need you to do me a favor," she said, laughing a sinister laugh.
"Oh no!" he quickly rejected.
"You want to get Van back for the hairdo, don't you?" she played on his feelings.
"Well, yeah, but..."
"Then help me out! You only need to do one thing for me."
"What is it?" he asked, intrigued now.
"Put this banana peel at the bottom of the stairs and I'll call Van down."
Deaq loved the idea. He knew what would happen but he didn't want to think about that. He put the banana peel at the bottom of the stairs and went back into Billie's office.
Billie walked out and stood a bit away from the stairs. "Van, get your pathetic ass down here, now!" she yelled.
Van came running down the stairs. "What do you want no... Whoa!" he yelled as he stepped on the banana peel and slid across the floor. Seconds later, he was in the air and heard a loud ripping sound right before his head hit the bottom step and knocked him unconscious.
"One of these days, we're gonna kill each other, you know that?" Deaq said as he nudged Van with his foot to make sure he was out.
"Yeah," Billie replied nonchalantly.
"Now what do we do with him?" he asked.
"Leave him," she answered, turning and walking back to her office to finish lunch.
Deaq kneeled down beside his partner and said, "Van, wake up," as he shook his shoulder. "Come on, man. I know you're a lot tougher than that."
Van groaned as his eyes slightly opened. "The walls, the stars, so pretty," he mumbled incoherently. Deaq helped him sit up. "Why is the world spinning?" Van asked, closing his eyes to keep himself from getting sick.
"Because you probably have a concussion," Deaq replied, getting Van to his feet and up to the lounge where he found an ice pack. Van lay back on the couch ready to fall asleep. "NO!" Deaq yelled, startling him up. "If you fall asleep now, you're never going to wake up again, and I don't think Billie would like that."
"She'd probably love it," Van murmured, placing the ice on the back of his head where he hit the stairs. As he sat there wishing the world would stop spinning, he noticed the big hold in his pants. He groaned, more pissed about his pants than Billie's latest practical joke. "God, I hate that woman," he growled.
Deaq smiled and thought, 'Yeah, right,' as he sat down across from Van. "How do you plan on getting her back this time?" he asked, figuring that's what Van was thinking now.
"I don't know," he mumbled, his eyes staying closed. It felt as if he had too much to drink or something. "She's gonna pay, though, in a painful way, painful and embarrassing. This is the second time she managed to knock me unconscious and all I have to show for it is giving her a sore ass, in both senses of the term. How am I supposed to top the gorilla suit?"
"I dunno," Deaq shrugged. "What'd they used to do in medieval times?"
Suddenly, the idea hit Van so hard he was almost reeling. "I got it!" he exclaimed. "Tar and feathers."
"Tar and feathers?" Deaq asked.
"Tar and feathers," Van restated. "Right when she least expects it."
"And when is that supposed to be?"
"The next bust, out in public, you know, adds to the whole medieval theme of public humiliation."
"Van, I think you've earned the title of sadist."
"Thank you, Deaq."
Deaq shook his head. His partner was really turning into the devil. He only hoped that Billie wouldn't get hurt in the process, but then again, she deserved a little pain after what she's done to Van.
*~*~*
The next day rolled around slowly. By that time, Van had purchased the highest quality tar and feathers he could find and stashed them in his car, waiting to be used that afternoon right after the bust. Oh, Billie was definitely gonna get what she was asking for. His head was feeling a little better even though a doctor had confirmed he had a concussion, but that didn't stop him for getting to work early just to watch Billie walk in as she usually did, all hot and sexy. That day she had chosen to wear a red tube top and a pair of tight fitting black pants that really accented her curves.
'Damn, that girl got a fine ass,' Van thought as she walked past him, a gleam in her sky blue eyes. He smiled. Soon enough, that gleam would be gone. It was only a matter of time before he'd extract his revenge for the banana peel and the gorilla suit. He couldn't wait to see the look on her face when the tar spilled all over her head and body, then the feathers covered the rest.
Billie raised her hand and smacked Van in the head when she realized he wasn't paying much attention to anything at the moment and asked, "How are you feeling today?"
Van rubbed the back of his head as he replied, "Worse now that you're here." She smacked him again. "Ow! What was that for?"
"That was for being the smart ass that you are," Billie answered, walking away from him hurry. She had a lot of work to do before their bust went down that afternoon at the theater in downtown LA. She had to call SWAT for backup and a few of her buddies on the force that she usually used as plain clothes officers to help her with busts if Van and Deaq couldn't pull them off without a hitch, which was almost too frequently.
Deaq finally walked in an hour later, his bleached hair covered by a bandana. Van managed to swipe it off his head in one quick motion. He laughed and asked, "Dude, when are you gonna get that fixed?"
"Soon," Deaq retorted, trying to get the bandana back from his so called partner who continued to patronize him as he ran around the Candy Store.
Deaq ran after him, pissed as all hell until Billie yelled, "Will you two children stop messing around and get in here?"
Van threw the bandana to him as they walked into Billie's office together to find her sitting there staring at her computer screen intently.
"What do you want, Billie?" Van asked, well, hissed is more like it. He was having fun, but she always managed to cut it short.
"I want you to stop acting like the overgrown children that you are and start acting like cops. You guys need to get to the theater and plant as many listening devices and cameras as you possibly can. Remember, you only have three hours, so make it good. And I want a full report when you're done. I seriously hope we catch these bastards or we're in deep shit. Got it?" she barked, getting their attention.
"Yes sir," both men replied in unison. They walked off towards the parking lot and got into Van's car. The moment was finally upon him to get the payback he so desperately wanted.
Billie, on the other hand, took her sweet time getting ready. She was almost too relaxed as she waltzed out of the Candy Store and to her car. She checked her watch to make sure she was on time and saw she had just enough of a gap to grab some coffee before heading to the theater to meet her crew and pull the bust. She hadn't gotten a call from neither Van nor Deaq and assumed that they were still wiring the place when in fact Van was setting up his best prank yet.
He had Deaq help him hoist the large tub of tar onto the marquee of the tiny theater after they had installed all their equipment into the tiny theater, which included the outside right below them where Billie would surely be standing when the bust was over, taking the credit as she usually did. Van snickered to himself when he realized there would be cameras everywhere to catch the action. This was definitely gonna make front page news, Van thought with a wicked smile.
"Now what?" Deaq asked once he had the last bag of white feathers sitting on the marquee right beside the tar.
"We call Billie," Van replied as he took his phone out of his pocket and dialed his boss.
Billie heard her cell ring just as she approached a stoplight and as she reached over to the passenger's seat to grab it, her coffee spilled on her lap. "SHIT!" she yelled as the hot liquid quickly seared her inner thighs. She grabbed a napkin and quickly began to wipe the stuff off as she continued to reach for her phone. "What do you want?" Billie barked at the person who had caused her to spill her coffee.
"Everything's in place," Van replied, realizing he had caught her at a bad time, but that didn't really matter to him. 'Soon,' he thought happily. "The guys should be arriving soon."
"Well, get your ass in the theater then and stop talking to me!" she spat, hanging up when the light turned green and throwing the phone back onto the passenger's seat. 'God, this is NOT my day,' Billie thought, shaking her head as she continued to drive and wipe her pants at the same time.
When she arrived at the theater, she noticed the infamous delivery truck parked on the other side of the street. She just needed either Van or Deaq to message her and she'd give the signal to storm the place. Milling around her were the plain clothes officers she had just in case the bust didn't go as planned. Billie decided to keep trying to get her pants dry until her messenger went off, but that proved to be a stupid idea since seconds later, she could feel the familiar buzz coming from her pocket. She pulled the messenger out and threw up her hand, signaling the guys in the delivery truck to run into the theater.
Billie got out of her car, gun drawn, and followed them inside where Van and Deaq were cuffing the two thugs they had been after for a while. She smiled, glad that the bust had gone without a hitch and put her gun away. It was about time she went and changed her clothes back home, but she was stopped by several other officers in order to file reports. They dragged her outside in the sunlight where they could see as Van and Deaq made their way up to the marquee.
"Okay, okay, I'll get to you in a damn minute!" Billie yelled at one of the officers. She hated this part. The sun was bright and there were people everywhere. She put her signature on yet ANOTHER piece of paper and walked away. 'Oh, lovely, the news is here!' she thought sarcastically, wishing that everyone would just go away/. Well, they had another detective so she wasn't worried.
Van and Deaq were on top of the marquee with the buckets and saw Billie was not at the mark yet. She continued walking around talking on her cell with someone. Finally, she hung up and the officer who inches from the mark called her over. "Deaq! Look, she's gonna be in the spot!" Van said jumping up and down.
"I know you're excited, but if you don't calm down, you'll give yourself a hernia, so chill!" Deaq laughed.
Billie was talking to the officer and the news crew slowly focused on them. An attractive female reporter was talking about the case, which didn't go unnoticed by Van. "Dude! Cameras! Let's go!" he exclaimed, getting even more excited.
Deaq grabbed the bucket of tar and Van the feathers. "Remember, two seconds after I dump the tar, you dump the feathers," Deaq told him.
"Okay! Now do it before the camera pans away, would ya!" Van yelled.
Deaq looked down at an unsuspecting Billie and laughed. "She's gonna fired us, you know that right?" Deaq said to Van.
"I know. But this is so worth it. Now do it already!" Van said insistently. Deaq looked down and dumped the tar.
Billie was flirting with the cute officer who had asked to talk to her when she felt something thick, black, and extremely sticky. "What the FUCK!" she yelled, realizing the sticky stuff on her fingers was tar. She looked up just as Van dumped the feathers. They flew down all over her tarred body, plastering themselves to the black goo as the camera zoomed in. She opened her eyes after wiping the feathers away to see Van and Deaq looking down at her and exploding into fits of laughter.
"YOU FUCKERS ARE SO DEAD!" Billie hollered, pointing up at them with a very angry finger.
Van and Deaq came down to get a closer look at the damage they had caused. Van was still laughing and Deaq hoped she wasn't going to fire them. Billie was nowhere to be found. Van and Deaq milled around with the other officers talking about their prank and what she was gonna do to them for it. Suddenly they saw her in the ally talking to the news crew. As the leaned against the wall they heard her talking about how her officers must've gone off their medication!
"Yeah, they're two very high strung children that still need Ritalin in order to function properly. I don't know how I could have let them leave the department without their meds," Billie was saying with a very wide smile on her half black, half feathered face.
Van's jaw dropped. There was no way he was letting her get away with that!
Part 5: Bulletproof...Yeah Right!
