Family
Feud
Part
5: Bulletproof… Yeah, Right!
Van was sitting at Billie's desk, nervously watching the clock on her computer as the minutes slowly ticked away. Billie was almost never late for work, unless he had done something to make her late like the itching powder a few days ago. But he knew better. She was planning something, something really big, against him and Deaq. Oh, there were so many possibilities; he really didn't just want to pick one. If he were Billie, they'd probably be sitting outside baking in the sun with animal suits on, but that's already been done, so next idea…
Van kept staring at the clock, and waiting. The minutes ticked by so slow. He leaned pretty far back in the chair thinking of the possibilities of what she was planning. She wouldn't just sic Captain Parrish on them because that would just be mean. What would she do?
"Van!" Deaq came in the office and yelled. Van's eyes flew open.
Deaq's voice startled him and threw off his balance. He started to tip back. It was a little too late by the time he realized what was happening.
"Whoa, shit!" Van yelled as he hit the floor.
Deaq looked at what he had caused and laughed. "You okay man?" He asked walking over to the other side of Billie's desk to help his partner up off the floor. When he got there he continued to laugh.
"This is not funny!" Van said getting up off the floor.
Deaq stopped. "Okay, it's not funny. Seriously though, where the hell could Billie be? She's never late," Deaq replied seriously.
"I know, that's what's freaking me out. What if she went all out trying to get us back? What the hell is going all out?" Van started asking then heard the door slam shut. He and Deaq looked in its direction to see Billie walking in, the smile so big on her face that it was almost unnatural.
"Oh, shit," Van mumbled as his face went slack. She was definitely on the defense this time.
"Hello, boys!" Billie chirped as she stepped into the office. "How are you?"
Van and Deaq looked at her funny. "Billie, are you alright?" Deaq asked.
"I'm fine," she replied.
"But you're happy," Van pointed out.
"At least we know your observation skills are still working," Billie retorted getting back into her usual mood. She knew she was giving off that danger vibe, and couldn't risk her well planned attack getting foiled this late in the game. Hell, she spent nearly four days setting this up. She wasn't about to let Dumb and Dumber screw it up. "What the hell are you two doing still standing around? Go do something!" she barked.
"That's the Billie I know," Deaq replied happily, seeing that she was getting back to her usual bitch mode. He and Van walked out of her office and started to busy themselves with fixing odds and ends around the Candy Store. Van decided to tune up one of the cars, calling Deaq over to help him every so often.
Van called Deaq over to help him on one of the cars. "So, what do you think she is up to?" Van asked.
"I think she was just trying to freak us out," Deaq answered.
"Are you sure? We did get her pretty good. She could be planning something REALLY big," Van told him worried.
"I wonder what really big means in her terms, like if it involves some kind of explosive or the entire police squad," Deaq replied.
"Whatever it is, I have a feeling that it's gonna happen soon and it's gonna be bad, really bad," Van said as he looked in Billie's direction to see her bobbing her head in time to some song she was playing off her computer. He inched his way closer to her office, praying that she wouldn't turn around suddenly and see him, just to sneak a peek at what she was listening to in order to gauge her mood.
"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint. I don not feel the shame. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between, you know you wouldn't want it any other way," Billie sang along softly as she filled out her paperwork.
Van retreated quickly, and gave Deaq a very scared look. "What, man?" he asked, already knowing what he was going to say.
"She's listening to 'Bitch,'" Van gravely replied. "And she's singing along."
"Shit, Van! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do!" Deaq was nearly frantic. The magnitude of Billie's venture into revenge was beyond anything they had ever thought possible.
"I suggest we sneak out of here NOW," Van said as he ducked behind the car he had been working on. He motioned for Deaq to follow him towards the back door where they thought they'd make a clean exit. He was the first one to venture out into the open, Deaq following several feet behind.
Van snuck out the door. He was met with the dark back alley. Quickly walking down the narrow passage, he turned around only to be met with a blue sky. "It's safe" he called out to Deaq. Suddenly two men stood up from behind trash cans with large guns aimed at Van and started pulling their triggers. "Shit! What the..." he yelled as he hit the ground, searing pain running through his body.
The men fired five rounds on him and then called Billie on her cell to tell her the job was done. Deaq ran out into the lot and rolled Van over. "Van! You okay?" he asked.
"OW!" Van moaned as lay on his back.
Billie heard the screams coming from outside and stood from her chair, a wicked smile coming across her face. Van had fallen for her plan so perfectly it almost made her wish he had been a little smarter. But come on, she couldn't have everything. She was just happy to get some payback for the tarring incident. Billie came out of the Candy Store and looked at Van as she laughed. She walked over to the guys with the weapons and shook their hands. They said their goodbyes and went their separate ways.
"What did you do to him?" Deaq yelled at her.
"Relax the bullets were rubber," Billie said still laughing.
Van wanted to leap up and strangle her, but the numbing pain in his stomach, chest, arms, legs, and ass was overwhelming, making him fall back down at every attempt he made to get up. "I think I'm just gonna sit here a little while before I even try to get up," he told Deaq as he lay back on the concrete and stared up at the blue sky in a daze.
"You want some ice?' Deaq asked.
"Yes, please," Van groaned.
Billie was now inside, reveling in her own accomplishment as she sat down at her desk and booted up her computer to check and make sure that the surveillance cameras caught everything. She couldn't wait to show everybody this tape. It was the best revenge yet, especially since copies of her own little embarrassing moment were quickly beginning to surface at the precinct. She knew the guys were probably also behind that, but decided not to think about it any further. She had extracted her revenge and was ready to move on to another case.
"Billie!" she could hear Deaq's voice echo through the Candy Store. Billie turned around to see him making his way towards her office with a very angry glare in his eyes. "Why is it that you love to hurt Van so much?" he asked.
"Whatever do you mean?" Billie asked, mocking innocence.
"You know exactly what I mean," Deaq answered as he stared down at her. "Stop acting like he's a worthless piece of shit and tell me the truth. Do you have feelings for him?"
Billie looked away, unable to answer the question. How the hell could she tell Deaq she had an enormous crush on Van? It was wrong. It was nuts. But it felt so right. Oh, why did she have to be such a bitch towards him? It did send a pang of regret deep within her to see him in so much pain, but she couldn't help herself. It was the only way she knew how to deal with problems. Finally, she thought of the perfect line to feed him and keep her emotions in the dark. "I do, but not the ones you're thinking."
"Bull shit," Deaq replied. "I've seen the way you two have been looking at each other. I know you wanna tell him. Why don't you stop the childish pranks and do it? It'll be so much easier on all of us."
"Don't try to get me to admit something that's not true," Billie snapped as she narrowed her eyes at him.
Deaq knew to back off at that moment or he'd be worse off than Van. "Alright, Billie. Keep it all bundled up inside, but when something really horrible happens to Van, I hope it's not too late," he said, walking out of her office towards the fridge in the lounge to grab the ice he had promised Van.
Billie sat there in her chair contemplating what Deaq had just told her. She knew sooner or later she'd have to face the music and finally get this off her chest. But there was something in his voice that made her want to do it this second. It was almost an ominous tone that scared her to death thinking it could possibly be true. What if something bad really did happen to Van? Could she live with herself not telling him what she really felt?
Shaking the thoughts out of her head, Billie quickly became angry. This wasn't supposed to be happening to her. Oh, she was pissed at Deaq now. She'd get her revenge tomorrow though. She wanted to let everything sink in today.
Deaq walked back outside carrying a bag of ice. Van had managed to sit up on his own, propped up against the wall, but the pain he felt was almost unbearable. Pulling up his shirt, he could see the black and blue welts appearing on his chest and stomach. His arms and legs were the same way. This week was definitely going to be hell on earth for him. He only prayed that Billie would let him go home for the rest of the day to recover. Van was more than happy to see Deaq arrive with the ice.
"Billie is such a bitch," Van said after catching the ice and placing it wherever he was sore. He winced feeling the cold against his skin, but was glad it was there. As the pain lessened, he began to relax a little, continuing to use the wall as his support. Deaq sat down next to him, a worried look on his face.
"If Billie could do this to you, I'm afraid of what she'll do to me," he told Van with a sigh.
"Don't worry, she'll probably go easy on you since she likes you more that me. Unless you count the Alexa thing, but seriously, you don't piss her off as much as I do," Van replied, letting the ice pack fall onto a very purple welt near his thigh.
"The way I se it, you're trying to piss her off," Deaq said. "You do all these stupid things in order to get her attention. My question is why? Why do you wanna get Billie's attention? It seems to me that the only plausible explanation is that you like her, and don't even try to deny it. I've seen the way you watch her come in every morning. It's like you're off in your own little world and you don't even realize that you're drooling."
"That's bull shit," Van vehemently denied. "That's got to be the biggest load of crap to come from your mouth in a long time. There is no way, no possible way, that I could ever like Billie as more than just a friend. Remember what I told you? She's the hottest chick I never wanna have sex with."
Deaq shook his head, quickly rejecting the answer. "Whatever you say, Van," he replied with a chuckle. "But if I ever catch you staring at Billie for no apparent reason, you'd better tell me the truth."
"Yeah, right," Van retorted. "No way."
A thick silence fell between them as Van began to contemplate his true feelings towards Billie. He was enjoying pulling all these childish pranks on her, especially all the little things she did to get him back, not the ones that left him reeling, but the tiny things, like the shaving cream can. That was another experience he had enjoyed, moreover the part where he held her in his arms. That moment had left him a bit bewildered. It felt so right holding Billie that he didn't want to let her go. If only Deaq hadn't shown up at that critical moment, maybe then…
And then there was Twister. They had been so close he could have kissed her. It was more like he should have kissed her. Billie had been reluctant to get off him, giving Van the impression that his efforts hadn't been in vain. There was a definite attraction there, and he had just begun to play on it. In time, maybe he'd have her right where he wanted her. Maybe…
Van quickly shook the thought of what would have been and what could be out of his head. He had to keep his relationship with Billie strictly at a professional level; otherwise, potential problems would start to rear their ugly heads. That's the last thing he wanted. But what if she was feeling the same way about him? As that though began to brew in Van's head, Deaq stood up.
"Come on, man. We have to get back inside. And you need to see a doctor to make sure none of those rubber bullets his more than just skin," he said, extending his hand so that Van could grab it. When they walked back in, Billie quickly dismissed them, telling Van he could recover for the rest of the day. As for Deaq, she didn't really say much, but he could almost see the wheels cranking in her head. Tomorrow, his number was being called, and there was no way he'd get out of it.
The next day went by well. Billie was late…again. She had stopped by the precinct to ask another favor of her SWAT buddies. Deaq was getting it today; she was even dressed for the occasion. Billie was wearing all black; black dress, black boots, black everything. She grabbed the bean bag gun, said her goodbyes and ran out the door to her car.
Back at the Candy Store, Deaq was sitting in Billie's office when Van came limping in through the door. He walked like he'd gotten hit in the balls with a cannon. Deaq almost fell out of the chair trying not to laugh when he thought of that.
"Where is the little witch?" Van asked in a pitiful voice.
"Late. You think she's gonna do something else?" Deaq replied, looking at the clock. It was almost 9:05 AM and Billie wasn't in yet.
Billie screeched into the parking lot. She had decided to make a lot of noise for effect. 'I hope the guys heard that,' she thought a grin coming across her face. She jumped out of the car and headed inside. "Morning boys!" she shouted in a cheery voice as she walked inside.
Deaq jumped out of her chair and leapt out of her office. "Billie, where you been?!" Deaq said anxiously.
"Oh, just got a little behind this morning. So, let's get to work!" she said. "Where the hell is Van?!" she yelled going back into her usual bitch mode.
Deaq was comfortable now, she wasn't being overly happy today. "He's upstairs recovering from the injuries you inflicted on him yesterday!" Deaq answered snidely.
"Well, tell him to get his black and blue ass down here now!" she barked and sent him off.
"I'm coming!" Van yelled from the bottom of the stairs as he hobbled towards her office.
When Billie heard his voice, she turned around to see him walking like he'd just gotten kicked in the balls. She started to laugh, subtly at first, then roaring as he got closer. Oh, this was definitely something she was going to remember.
"It's NOT FUNNY!" Van shouted. He was more than pissed at her now. All he wanted to do was go over to Billie and beat that snide smile off her face for all the shit she had managed to pull on him. But, GOD! She looked good in that dress and those knee high hooker boots. How could he want to kill something so beautiful? Van settled for his revenge tactics. He'd get her back, somehow. He'd just have to figure it out.
"Yes, it is," Billie giggled, her face straightening slightly as she pulled herself together.
"This is not over," Van growled as he started to hobble towards the lounge. All he wanted to do now was sit down and rest his poor battered body.
"Where do you think you're going?" Billie sharply replied, prompting Van to stop dead in his tracks. She wasn't done with him yet. "Do me a favor. Get your sorry ass outside and grab the stuff out of my car. It's too heavy for me to carry.
"Why can't you get Deaq to do it?" Van protested.
"Because I said so, now GO!" she barked. Van knew not to mess with her or he'd probably be in a body cast the next day. He did as he was told, but he didn't have to like it. While Van was gone Billie went to the basketball court where Deaq was shooting baskets. "Ya know Deaq, you aren't out of the woods yet," she said point blank.
Deaq stopped dribbling and looked at her. "I know. Just do it and get it over with," he told her.
"But that wouldn't be as much fun," Billie pouted with a slick smile on her face. "Maybe a bowling ball will do it," she said and looked at him.
"What do you mean a bowling ball? What are you gonna do to me?" Deaq asked. He was getting paranoid now. Images of Billie knocking his head off his shoulders ran through Deaq's mind. He shuddered and put the image out of his head.
Billie saw this and smiled. "See ya later Deaq!" she said and walked away.
Van had returned to Billie's office carrying a heavy case in one hand and a lighter bag in the other. He was beginning to wonder what the hell she had in there. "Here's your shit," he said, putting the stuff down on her nearly empty desk. "Happy?"
"Yes, thank you," Billie sweetly replied, batting her eyes as Van slowly made his way out of her office. He was tempted to give her the finger, but resisted, fearing that whatever she was gonna do to Deaq today would fall upon him if he didn't tread lightly.
Billie went around and sat on her desk, hiking her dress up to mid thigh. "Van, come here," she said.
Van stopped, sighed, and turned around. "What do you want..." He stopped when he saw her sitting on the desk. 'Damn, she looks good!' he thought. He walked back and just stared at her. There was she was sitting you could almost see down her shirt. He tried not to stare, but it was near impossible.
"You sure you'll be okay today?" she asked running her fingers along his arm lightly. Van caught his breath; he couldn't believe this was happening! "Huh?" he said.
She jumped off the desk and straightened out her short skirt. "Oh, never mind! You can go now!" She said. He looked shocked for a second and she shooed him out her office.
Van hobbled away, awestruck by what had just happened in Billie's office. Had she really been hitting on him? Or was she just pushing his buttons? Whatever it was, it had made Van feel a LOT better. He walked into the lounge and sat down on his favorite chair, a wide smile across his face.
"DEAQ!" Billie yelled at the top of her lungs, scaring anyone and everyone within a 100 mile radius. Van nearly jumped out of his chair, but when he realized what was about to happen, he smirked and sat back down, watching as Deaq made his way towards her office, his head down, expecting the worst.
"Yeah, Billie, what is it?" he asked.
"Could you wait here just a moment? I need to get something," she replied, grabbing the case and the bag and heading upstairs to the balcony. Deaq sat down in a chair and waited for her.
All the while, Billie opened the case as she perched herself in the perfect position for a clear shot at Deaq's head. She pulled out the bean bag gun and loaded it with the ammo in the bag. She aimed and fired.
Deaq heard the shot and quickly turned around to see where it had come from. Suddenly, something flew right past his face almost hitting square in the forehead. He jumped and ducked behind Billie's desk. She cursed loudly, not having hit her target, and aimed again. She wasn't going to let him get away that easy. Billie refocused and fired once more.
"Billie, are you NUTS?" Deaq was now yelling, the bean bag flying over his head yet again. "What the hell are you trying to do, kill me?"
She wanted badly to retort, but decided to leave that until she had actually hit him. She took aim once more, and this time when she fired, she hit her mark. "HA!" Billie screamed. "Third time's the charm!"
Deaq felt the bean bag belt him in the back of the head and reeled from the impact, quickly falling over on the ground, the sound of Van's laughter filling his ears. Deaq slowly got up from the floor, he stood and looked around to make sure no guns were aimed at him. "Billie! Are you crazy? You could have killed me!" he yelled at her.
"With a bean bag?! Give me a fucking break you sorry ass drama queen!" she shouted back.
Van continued to laugh at this little exchange. "Dude! This is NOT funny!" Deaq yelled as he picked up a bean bag and lobbed it in his direction. Van quickly caught it before it hit his head.
"I'm sorry," he chuckled. "That was just too funny. Sorry ass drama queen! HA!"
"Sorry ass drama queen… I'll give you sorry ass drama queen," Deaq mumbled as he walked over to the fridge and grabbed a pack of ice. That's when he noticed the expired tub of whipped cream. He quickly opened it and walked back over to where Van was sitting, unsuspecting of what was about to happen to him. Deaq snuck up behind him and with a quick flick of his wrist, the contents of the container spilled over Van's head.
"What the…" Van yelled as he shot up out of his seat and began to chase Deaq around the Candy Store as Billie watched from her perch high up over their heads. She laughed until her sides hurt as the antics continued. Van was gonna get Deaq back for what he had pulled; there was no doubt in his mind about that.
"Get back here!" he was yelling as he chased Deaq around the entire showroom floor until he finally had him cornered. Van grabbed a can of motor oil off the hood of one of the cars and uncapped it. With Deaq backed up into a corner, he had the advantage. Van poured the entire bottle over his partner's head without remorse. "That's for the whipped cream!" Van barked, wiping the white stuff that dripped down his face. It was now that the previous pain he was in was finally getting to him.
Van hobbled into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet as he tried to wipe the white goo off his head and clothes, but only managed to get a small portion of it. Billie had come back down, her work finally done and the gun put away safely so the guys couldn't find it even if they tried. She walked into the bathroom and kneeled down beside Van.
"Need some help?" she asked, her blue eyes locking with his. Van just stared at her trying to figure out if it was a game or if she truly meant it this time. "No game. No tricks. You need some help?" Billie asked again, grabbing a few paper towels and helping him with the goo out of his hair.
"Thank you," Van replied softly, feeling a bit odd by what was happening. Why was she all of a sudden helping him? It boggled his mind, but he enjoyed every minute of it.
"You're welcome," Billie said as she stood up and threw the dirty towels into the waste basket. "I mean, I did after all almost kill you. It's the least I can do to make it up to you. That and what you did to Deaq was pretty funny."
Van smiled. They struck a common ground there. "Yeah, you did almost kill me. And it was funny," he said, looking up sheepishly.
Billie looked into those lovely eyes and couldn't believe what she saw. Van wasn't plotting what to do to her next. Boy, this situation sure felt weird to her. She knew she better get out of it. "Well, I better get back to work. Why don't you go in the lounge and lay down a bit?" she said and walked out.
"I'm going to," Van replied as soon as he ran his head beneath the faucet to wash out the remaining sticky goo. He slipped off his shirt and threw it into the sink to wash it off, grabbing the spare he now kept behind the door just in case something like this ever happened, which seemed to be a lot more frequently now.
Billie sat down at her desk and stretched in her chair. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Van stepping out of the bathroom shirtless. Her eyes immediately wandered in his direction as she "innocently" checked him out. Billie sighed. He was definitely nice to look at even if she'd probably do nothing more than just look. Oh, if only she could have her way with him for one night… one night and maybe things could possibly change for the better.
'Nah,' Billie thought as she shook her head. 'Never going to happen.' It was about time that she started plotting her revenge for the next time Van tried to get her back.
Part 6: Sticky Situations
