Chapter 12 - Benson

Song lyrics by Evanescence, My Immortal

My words are cold
I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you
I don't think you'd understand
'Cause no one understands
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
And I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But you're still with me
'Cause you still have a hold over me…

Benson

"Detective Benson, this is my partner Detective Stabler." I introduced my badge to the officer securing the alley. "What do we have?" I walked up to the crime scene, through the yellow tape with Elliot next to me.

The officer at the scene brought us to the body. "White, mid-thirties female, naked from the waist down. That's why we called you."

"Any other signs of rape?"

"You tell me." He walked over to the white sheet covering the body. In one swift motion, he yanked it off. As it billowed up, it completely covered the officer. When it came down, he was gone.

I twirled around, trying to see where he went. All I saw was darkness surrounding me. There were no people, anywhere. Even the alley was gone. It was just the three of us floating in the middle of darkness. Just as I was about to cry out for help, I heard a voice.

"Hey Olivia! Check this out!" Elliot beckoned me towards the body. I wanted to scream, to ask him where everything was, but I didn't. Instead I walked towards the body, like some unseen force drew me to it. My feet simply walked on air, nothing holding me there as I closed the gap between my partner and myself.

"Look." Elliot pointed to her face. I leaned over to get a better look, and I realized that she was lying on her back, but her head was facing backwards, like someone twisted her neck. I didn't know what possessed me, but suddenly I got to my knees and placed my hands on the sides of her head. Ignoring the crunching bones and sound of nerves and arteries ripping and snapping, I turned her head towards me. Once I saw her face, I started screaming and dropped the head. I jumped back onto my feet and started backing away.

The face was my own. My own cold, lifeless, brown eyes were staring back at me.

"So Liv," Elliot turned his head up towards me, an evil laugh escaping him, "what do you think?"

I bolted upright, a scream escaping me. Gasping for breath, I looked around, trying to remember where I was. As my eyes traveled over the cots and bunk beds adorned with gray sheets, I realized I was in the crib at the station.

My breath finally returning, I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my shins, resting my head on my knees. I shook my head, trying to dislodge the dream I'd been having.

"You're up." I snapped my head up and saw John standing in the doorway of the room.

"Yeah." I slightly rolled my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair, which was still slightly wet from my shower. I wiped my hand on my, well, John's, shirt in an attempt to get the moisture off.

"Another dream?"

"Nightmare," I corrected him, blankly staring at the wall in front of me. When he was silent, I decided to ask him something I'd been wondering ever since I had stumbled into his apartment the previous night. "Do you believe me?"

John looked at me like he thought he must have heard me wrong. "What?"

"Do you believe me?" I repeated, swinging my legs over the edge of the cot, letting my feet brush the floor as my gaze shifted from the wall to Munch.

"Of course," he replied without hesitating. "Of course I believe you."

I just stared at him, both of us unmoving. His look was so comical, such a mix of confusion and worry and uncertainty, that I felt a little smile creep across my face. "So what are you doing here?"

He shrugged, like it was nothing. "Walking around."

"Checking on me?" I gave him an all-knowing glance as I stood up with my arms folded. Feeling the sweatpants I was wearing start to slide down my hips, I quickly uncrossed my arms and clutched the gray fabric in one hand.

Being quite the observant one, John noticed and I saw the question forming in his eyes. Unable to stop him in time, he asked me what we'd both been avoiding all day, for my sake more than his.

"Why don't we go to your apartment and get you some clothes?" Though I knew his heart was in the right place, I hated him for bringing that up.

"I'm not going there," I said sharply, feeling my words slice through the tenseness of the situation. "So you can just stop trying to talk me into it right now." I felt my hands cut the air defensively. In an attempt to end the conversation there, I walked past him and into the hallway.

"Olivia," I groaned mentally as I heard John following me, "I understand what you're going through, but-"

"No!" I spun around yelled at my unsuspecting co-worker. He stopped in mid-step, taken aback by my sudden eruption. "Don't tell me that you 'understand'!" The volume of my voice began escalating along with my rage.

Deep down in the pit of my stomach, I knew that John's statement was an innocent one, but that still didn't extinguish the flames in my eyes. No one understood, and I didn't need them throwing that line at me.

"You have no idea what I've been through!" As I screamed, my voice started threatening to betray me.

John's face twisted in anguish and he reached his arm out to me, clearly in an attempt to apologize and try and console me. "Liv, I-"

"Don't!" I threw my arm down, hitting only air when I was aiming for his arm. "He raped me!" I pulled my hands up to my chest, reiterating the point. "And you have no idea what it feels like!" I heard my voice quivering and felt my eyes begin to water. Seeing the look on John's face, like I'd just slapped him, only made my tears run faster.

Guilt and pain over-taking me, I turned on my heels and started running down the hall. I saw faces and felt my arms brush by people as I ran, but I ignored them, only concerned with gaining as much distance as my legs could grant me.