And now… Fillmore.
Today's episode: Test of the Tested
Act 1: By a Lobster Betrayed
The SATTY-9 is without a doubt the most stressful test in X Middle School history. It's an aptitude test with a high demand for great grades. That puts a lot of students under a so much pressure. But exceptionally smart students aren't really bothered by it. Two of these students are Ed Nygma and Ingrid Third.
The teacher overseeing the test, Mr. Collingwood, was surprised when both Ed and Ingrid both turned in their completed answer sheets at the same time.
"Wow! Ingrid, Ed, this is fast even for the two of you."
"Yeah…" Ingrid responded nervously.
"Do you feel good about it?" Collingwood asked.
"About having to take the test, no." Ingrid said. "About how I did on the test, sure, I guess."
"I'm mostly indifferent." Ed said. "You see one advanced test, you've seen them all."
"Well, I'm not surprised." Collingwood said. "For you, taking the SATTY-9 must be like doing a placemat word find at any local waffle restaurant."
"You have a great gift for similes, Mr. Collingwood." Ed said.
After another student, Seth, walked up to the front desk with a problem, Ingrid and Ed were dismissed from the class. As they left, they walked past a girl holding up two signs. One said "Stop the SATTY-9" and the other said "It would be best to ban the rest". She thrusted them into the air as she protested.
"S-T-O-P the SATTY-9! S-T-O-P the SATTY-9!"
Ingrid and Ed ignored her and continued walking.
"Man. Everyone's making such a big deal over this test." Ed said.
"It's not a big deal to you and me," Ingrid said, "But this test puts a lot of pressure on many of the other students. Honestly, I feel sorry for them."
"I feel sorry for them too, but for a whole different reason." Ed said.
"Ah, if it isn't my two brightest students." Principal Folsom said as she suddenly appeared before the two. She held two vases full of flowers and handed one to each of the students. "I see you completed your tests before any of the others, so congrats. And because I have faith in your grades, you can take these as gifts."
"Flowers. It's what I always wanted." Ed said accepting the gift.
"Well, have a good day, you two." Principal Folsom said as she was about to walk away. "Oh, and Ingrid, happy early birthday." As soon as she left, Ed turned to Ingrid with a surprised expression.
"Your birthday's coming?"
"Pretty much." Ingrid said. "And I just know Fillmore and the others are chipping in to get me a scooter."
"A scooter?" Ed asked with a slight chuckle.
"Laugh it up, riddle boy." Ingrid said before walking off with her vase.
After his next class, Ed was roaming through the hallways when his caught Mr. Collingwood pushing a dolly of boxes. The boxes were labeled "SATTY-9 Tests Completed Exams". He shrugged and paid it no mind before walking away. But he stopped when he heard Collingwood scream behind him. Ed turned suddenly to be passed by the same dolly. Only, it wasn't Mr. Collingwood who was pushing this time. It was an unknown figure in a costume of Lobsty, the lobster mascot. It ran right past Ed who was both shocked and confused.
"There's something you don't see every day."
Without getting the image of the crime he witnessed out of his head, Ed decided to look further into it. So he headed to the boys locker room where the mascot costume was usually stored. He made it there at the same time as Fillmore and Ingrid.
"Nygma, you on this case too?" Fillmore asked.
"I guess. I saw the guy in the lobster costume steal the answer sheets and got curious." Ed opened the door and peeked inside. He then turned back to the other two. "Before we go in, riddle me this. What gets wetter the more it dries?"
"Easy, a towel. Why would you ask that?" Ingrid asked as she opened the door herself. She gasped seeing a single, half-naked boy wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around the lower half of his body. She shielded her eyes. "Why didn't you warn me?"
"I did." Ed said with a smug grin. "It's not my fault you couldn't read between the lines."
Fillmore giggled. "Good one."
"Ed, I really didn't need that image in my photographic memory." Ingrid said. "Believe me, you will pay."
"Oh, build a bridge and get over it." Ed said. "We got a lobster to poach."
The three of them moved onto the nearest door which read "Kickball Storage/Mascot Changing Room". Fillmore gave the knob a little turn, but had trouble.
"It's locked."
"Allow me." Ingrid said. She knelt down to the doorknob and held up a plastic card. She slipped it in and began to work. "It's a talent from my delinquent past. Hmm… Tough one. They locked it from the inside. Aha. There we go."
At last, the door opened, but what they found inside was unusual. There was a skinny boy there wearing a white undershirt and boxer shorts with corn on it. He also wore a football helmet backwards muffling his yells. His fingers were trapped around a steel pipe by a Chinese fingertrap. Ingrid proceeded to lift the helmet off of the boy's head revealing him to be Elliot, the usual student who wears the Lobsty costume.
"They overpowered me and took my costume." Elliot said. "They called me Freckle Face and thy Chinese fingertrapped my fingers."
"You can't get out of a Chinese fingertrap?" Ed asked. He grabbed Elliot's hands and gently pushed them together before pulling them apart. He was finally free. "Some criminal mastermind."
The school Safety Patrol arrived at the crime scene examining everything. Danny photographed the scene. Tehama dusted for prints. Anza looked through his magnifying glass. Montoya questioned any possible witnesses. Elliot was tended to by a school nurse who gave him a cup of water.
"What do we got?" Vallejo asked the three who found Elliot.
"It was an ambush." Fillmore explained. "The perp jumped Elliot Funston, the student who portrays Lobsty the school mascot, stole his costume, and took off through the window."
"Then, fully lobster-ized," Ingrid continued, "The perp went back into the school and grabbed the tests."
"No one knows where the perp went after that." Ed said. "Really strange how a guy in a lobster costume could just get away with highly-sensitive test answers unnoticed."
"Vallejo!" Principal Folsom cried out as she entered the closet. Behind her was a middle-aged man with a white jacket, a bald head, and a beard with no mustache. He also wore a set of circular glasses that concealed his eyes.
"Principal Folsom." Vallejo greeted nervously.
"Tomorrow morning, when the world finds out about this, my phone is going to be ringing off the hook. And the only thing I can tell them is that you people are on the case. Are you people on the case?"
"Yes, ma'am." Vallejo said.
"Good." Folsom said. "Those tests are due for grading in Washington by the end of the week. You have 48 hours to find them. The last thing I wanna see is 1200 kids having to take this thing over."
"I concur." Said the balding man with the glasses. "These kids are stressed enough already. They believe the worst of it is over. We shouldn't have to tell them how wrong they are."
"Excuse me," Fillmore said, "But who are you? I don't think I've seen you around before."
"This is Hugo Strange. He's the new school counselor. I hired him just the other day." Folsom said.
"Mr. Funston is actually the first student I spoke with." Strange said. "As soon as I heard of his distressing situation, I thought it'd be my responsibility to talk this over with him. May I take him off your hands?"
"Well, we don't have any more questions for him." Fillmore said.
Strange understood and gently guided Elliot out the door. But before he could leave, everyone noticed something.
"Um, Elliot, here's a riddle for you." Ed said. "What gets bigger the more you cut it?"
"What?" Elliot asked.
"A hole. The answer is a hole." Ingrid said. "As in the hole in the back of your boxers. You better get some new ones."
Elliot finally noticed and covered the hole with his hands before Strange guided him out.
"I want those answers found, team." Folsom said. "If you fail, the Safety Patrol headquarters will make a great tap studio." She stormed out menacingly.
"Well, you heard her." Vallejo said. "What's the plan, Fillmore?"
"Perimeter check." Fillmore said. "Cruise for clues and the costume."
Fillmore, Ingrid, and Ed were checking around the loading zone of the school. While the boys were looking for answers, Ingrid had a question of her own.
"I'm asking again. You guys didn't get me a scooter, did you?"
"Oh, heck no." Fillmore answered.
Ingrid wasn't convinced. "Fillmore."
"You know, you do that a lot." Fillmore said.
"Hey, can we focus please?" Ed asked. "Folsom did give us a time limit, you know. What are we going to do if we're short on time?"
"We could try asking Vic Sage again." Ingrid suggested. "I know he's a little weird, but he did help us with the Stainless case."
"Uh, I'm not so sure about him." Fillmore said.
"Why?" Ed asked.
"Well… I spoke to him the other day, after I convinced Randall Julian to stop vandalizing." Fillmore said. "He was being extra odd then."
"Why?" Ingrid asked. "What did he say?"
"A lot of cryptic stuff, I guess. He was pretty vague about it." Fillmore said. "In any case, it was uneasy to hear."
The conversation was interrupted by the nearby bushes rustling around. The three spotted a boy in a purple hat prowling out of the bushes. He was carrying a cardboard box in his hands.
"Auggie Sampson." Ingrid said. "He took the test this morning. And come to think of it, he looked pretty nervous."
"And now, he's sneaking around with a box." Fillmore said.
"Seems a little too easy if you ask me." Ed said.
"Only one way to find out." Fillmore said. He held out his badge and called out to Auggie. "Freeze! X Middle School Safety Patrol!" Auggie looked over at Fillmore, Ingrid, and Ed before immediately running away. "I hate when they do that. Come on!"
The chase was on.
