A/N: Thanks to all my lovely betas: LulaBo, CineFille, JeSouhaite, and Carrielynn for looking this (and future parts) over for me. I couldn't do it without their advice and ability to make me laugh.
And it
takes a lot of nerve to ask how she is doing
Start with a weak
foundation, you will end in ruins
The ways the days and hours pass
you'll never understand
Falling like rain through your
hands
Maybe one day soon
It will all come out
How you
dream about each other sometimes
With the memory of
How you
once gave up
But you made it through the troubled times
Fountains of Wayne, "Troubled Times"
Part 5
Lorelai couldn't remember when summer had ever passed so quickly. She knew that Rory had just been placating her by staying one last summer in Stars Hollow. Her daughter had probably itched to be back with her friends, most of whom were settled in New York.
Rory's room was boxed up and ready to go with the essentials. She was going to be living on friends' couches (Paris's and then maybe Marty's) until she found a place of her own. Lorelai had watched her daughter drive away, both of their faces streaked with tears, along with promises and whispers to visit and call profusely. She didn't know what to make of her life anymore. She wasn't happy. It wasn't what she had imagined for herself at almost 40. Maybe it would have been easier, smart even, to move after he left. Stars Hollow had offered her a beginning, something to hold onto when she was 17 and looking for a place to start a new life, but over twenty years later, she was beginning to realize it might not be her ending, or even the middle she had fruitlessly searched for.
She sighed, leaning up against the door in the entryway. She picked up the phone and sank down on the couch.
"Hello?"
"She really left. She's gone off to New York," she sniffled.
"Wow," he breathed. "How are you?"
"Not so great." She confided, wishing he was close by.
"I would be there if I could." He said lowly.
"I know," she nodded. "Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"What if I--"
"Oh Lorelai, I don't know."
"Oh, okay." She replied quickly and he grimaced, knowing she was upset. He hadn't meant to be so harsh, but it wasn't as simple as she made it sound.
"I just—what about work? And Rory might need you to bring her stuff."
"Or she could find an apartment really fast."
"She could."
"And then I'll need a truck anyway to help get all her things."
"Lorelai," he warned, but he was smiling. "There's tourists and it's busy and--"
"Okay." She moved on, letting him talk for a little while. She liked their calls: they could talk about everything and nothing. Should Lorelai move to New York or was that too over the line? It wasn't. Was she going to make Rory's room into something else? No, she wasn't. She'd already ordered a couple of new pieces of furniture once Rory took hers, but it would be a place for Rory to come back to.
"I guess I have a thing for wanting to keep places the way they are. I mean, my mother did the same thing with my old room."
"I'm one to talk. Just look at the diner."
"With the hardware store sign? I think that's sweet."
Lorelai was smiling when she hung up the phone and was pleased that while they were wrapped up in conversation, she had forgotten, if only for those few moments, that Rory was no longer a member of the household. Luke had kept his promise after Rory's graduation and had kept in touch. In fact, Lorelai had noticed him calling more and more. Not that she minded. She found it refreshing to be able to talk to him after all those months and years of Luke-lessness. It had felt wrong not to have this: to not have him be a reassuring voice for all the tough times she had gone through, all the silly family things, all the times she was proud of Rory. Sookie had been there, of course, but Lorelai had always felt that there was a void where Luke should have been. And even though it had slowly been filling back up the more they talked, Lorelai felt like she couldn't quite bridge that gap with him, at least, not over the phone.
She made sure Rory hadn't left a message while she was on the phone and then walked over to Sookie's. Davy and Delia were out in the yard and Sookie was supervising on the porch with Cole. "Hey babe, how are you?"
"I'm not going to be at work tomorrow."
"Oh okay. Is something wrong?"
"Rory left for New York today."
"Oh, that's right. How are you holding up?" Sookie studied her best friend.
Lorelai gave her a weak smile. "Okay, but that's not why I'm going to miss work."
"No?"
"No. I'm going to Maine."
"Oh my gosh! To see Luke?"
"Of course to see Luke."
"Does he know?"
"Not exactly. I talked to him today--"
"You did? This is wonderful!" Her friend beamed at her, bouncing Cole on her knee.
"Just as friends, Sook, but I don't think he thought I was being serious, about visiting I mean."
"That's so exciting! That you two have been talking and just--"
"It is nice. And I love this town, but I don't feel like it's my home anymore, you know? I had the inn and Rory and then Luke, and now I just have an empty house. I'm….lonely. I keep telling myself it will pass but I can't ignore it anymore."
"I'm sorry you feel that way. But I'm proud of you. You've always been so strong, which I admire you for, but there's a difference between strong and stubborn. So be strong for him, but don't be stubborn."
"Thank you," Lorelai sniffled. "I love you."
Sookie gave her a tight squeeze. "I love you too, hon. Be careful."
Her drive to Maine reminded her how she had chased after Luke once before: when he had walked out and not come back. She hadn't been okay with just giving up on him then and she wasn't now.
Lorelai was lying on the couch when Rory rushed in the door, calling, "I'm here!" She tried to sit up slightly as she saw her daughter coming into the living room, her hands full of grocery bags and magazines. According to the Gilmore dating guidebook this kind of situation called for some wallowing, but the last thing Lorelai wanted to do was sit around and binge on ice cream, cookie dough and cheetos. It made her stomach ache to think about it. Instead, she made Rory talk: about school, about Paris, Marty, her friends, the newspaper, anything to take her mind off what had happened the week before.
She caught Rory studying her as she tried to fall asleep. "What?"
"Do you miss him?" Her daughter asked quietly, the intensity on her face reminding Lorelai of herself.
"Every day, every minute since he left." Lorelai managed to say, her voice a whisper.
"Then go find him, mom. He loves you."
Something in her daughter's words had sparked her to get up, actually pull together a semblance of an outfit and leave the house. As she drove along, foot heavy on the gas, windows open so the wind tousled her hair and the radio blasting, she felt a strange sensation come over her. It was oddly freeing being able to get out of the house and out of Stars Hollow. She knew that she couldn't spend the rest of her life on the couch or in bed but whenever she thought of returning to work her stomach clenched up and she convinced herself she wasn't ready. She needed time to mourn, as Sookie had told her, assuring her friend she and Michel could manage without her. She wasn't sure taking a road trip could be categorized as mourning but the circumstances of it might be.
This wasn't a spur of the moment, no map, no clear destination trip. She was going to the cabin Luke had taken her to once. His cabin. It was the only place she could imagine him going and such a simple solution seemed to merit a simple action--except this was anything but simple for either of them. This was a turning point in their relationship, and if Lorelai didn't try to mend it, it might be irreplaceable--and she knew she couldn't live with herself if he was at the cabin and she had done nothing but wallow.
That drive had sparked her memories of the last time they had been there, which had started a whole new wave of memories she had been trying to keep at bay for the past couple weeks.
She remembered almost exactly how they had met. She'd always sort of played dumb with Luke about it, but she remembered—the begging for coffee, the horoscope, his reaction to her. She wasn't sure if she had noticed it then or later, but even though he had seemed gruff and unforgiving there was something sad in his face, something, maybe, that made her believe she could trust him. She knew that look because she felt like it was one she wore often, but was covered by her incessant talking. With Luke it was his sarcasm. She had recognized a tiny bit of herself in him and as time proved, she hadn't been wrong. As Lorelai passed the sign welcoming her to Massachusetts, she realized she wasn't sure when that had changed.
He looked mad. She had driven six hours and asked directions when she got to town and now he didn't look happy to see her. She slanted her hand against the bright rays cast across the lawn as she squinted at him coming up the walk. He walked right past her up the steps. "Aren't you going to say something?" He froze and turned to look down at her, curled on his top porch step like a cat on a windowsill in the sun.
"Lorelai?" He blinked.
"Yeah, it's me." She replied softly, understanding. In those two years she had seen Luke plenty of times: in the doorway of the inn, on a bench near the gazebo, on her couch when she got home late, but when she turned around or looked a little closer, he was always gone—It was just a cruel game.
"I didn't—I'm glad you're here," he breathed, stepping towards her. Lorelai swallowed the lump in her throat and slid her arm around his waist. She couldn't help it. She needed him right now, and there, on the porch, a little overheated by the sun, it was intoxicating. Lorelai felt his hands firm on her back, reassuring her silently. She sniffled, tucking her face into his shoulder. I'm so sorry, her mind screamed.
"I missed you." She admitted. At least there was that. Not "I miss Rory" or the always idiotic "me too" that didn't really mean anything.
The house was small and decorated sparsely, and Lorelai was surprised to recognize a few key items from his apartment in Stars Hollow. Luke must have been back there just long enough to empty out his apartment—well, she didn't know if it was entirely empty—but he had been there, most likely one of the days she had been trying keep her thoughts of him at bay, working long hours. They wandered back to the kitchen, which was rather large for a house of this size. Lorelai marveled at how she hadn't been inside five minutes but she knew Luke fit there.
"Do you want something? Water? Coffee? Tea? Beer?" he asked, almost nervously hanging onto the fridge door.
"Actually a beer would be great."
He handed her a bottle and she took a sip. She leaned back against the counter with a sigh, Luke watching her. "I was—I'm so surprised you're here."
"It's a cute town," she replied, evading the subject. She had driven six hours to find out and she couldn't even face it. So typical, Lorelai, she thought. He didn't respond and the silence broke her. "I didn't think it was fair for Rory to do all the moving and leaving."
He shrugged. "I guess that makes sense," he said, and Lorelai caught a hint of disappointment in his reply.
"Although you've done your share of that as well." Lorelai closed her mouth as soon as she said it and drained her beer. Shit.
Luke's eyes widened but he chose just to nod instead of picking their usual fight.
"I'm sorry," she whispered as Luke spoke up at the same moment.
"Why did you come?" He asked a little gruffly, the softer tone she had heard him use of late was gone.
"I told you, I missed you…there's so many things, Luke. And I don't want to--" Reconnect, she thought, turning over the word in her mind. Maybe it was too intimate. "Talk about it over the phone." She swallowed.
"Okay."
"Okay? Are you…you know what? Never mind." She reminded herself to take things slow. "I want to see this town of yours."
tbc...
