Chapter 27 - Benson

Thanks for the reviews, nem, Katydidit, volleylover, stablerchic14, SVUchik18, LivElRocks a lot, viol8dbyalizzard, and christopher-meloni-freak.
SVUchik, thanks for reviewing! Yeah, believe me, I've gotten tons of reviews asking about pairings. I know I make Munch and Olivia seem really close, but it's more of a father/daughter, friendship thing. I like having Munch being close to someone because I can show another side of him, you know, caring and sweet. 'Cause I think he really is, deep down. ;)
christopher-meloni-freak, thanks for all the reviews! I am so glad that you can get all those different emotions from my writing. I do like creating a roller coaster affect with my stories. You'll see more up and down later on.
Katydidit, thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you like the deep friendships instead of the pairings. I do think they're a little over-looked compared topairings and EO. You like Dr. Liv? I couldn't resist!

I was only going to post one chapter, but it's short and I think the content of chapter 28 is way, way, way overdue! (See if you can guess what it's about! ;) And considering how big it is, I may just wait a few days before I get around to updating again after this, maybe leave you will a little cliffhanger..? Just kidding! I couldn't do that to such loyal readers as you!
Just a little note here, I made up all the stuff with Olivia's mother and Elliot and everything in the middle of this chapter. So it never really took place, it just came tumbling out of my mind with all those other crazy thoughts. ;) Also, I made up the engraving, dates and everything.

Lyrics by Avril Lavigne – Slipped Away

I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by
Now you're gone, now you're gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back…

Benson

"I'm fine," I stopped Elliot from finishing his question, knowing all too well what it would be. Stepping into the bedroom Elliot had showed me before I left, I let my arms fall limp and drop the bags on the floor. I shut the door behind me and felt the feeling in my legs leave me. They folded underneath me as I collapsed to the floor. I felt completely drained and exhausted after everything that had just happened with Munch.

More than anything, I was still overwhelmed by the fact that the guys at the station had already found a suspect. I knew they weren't ones to waste time, but still… It might have an even bigger impact had Munch been allowed to tell me anything about it. Unfortunately, I knew all too well that detectives couldn't tell the victim's anything about suspects or the investigation.

Victim… I put my forehead in my hands. In only an hour I'd managed to be forced from being a strong, composed, respected police officer to a victim… This just shouldn't be happening to me. I was the one that interviewed and talked to rape victims. I wasn't one of them.

Now I'm treating rape victims like they're some gang or minority that should be ashamed or embarrassed of what they are. This is wonderful…

"Shut up!" I stood up and yelled at the voices arguing in my head as I grabbed a fistful of hair in each hand and pulled. Not enough to actually rip any out, just enough to cause pain, bringing my attention to that instead of the argument I was carrying on with myself. I released it and groaned as I fell face first onto the bed, burying my face into a pillow.

"I need a drink," I said into the pillow, it muffling my words beyond recognition.

No! A voice in my head suddenly screamed out. Don't try to bury this with alcohol. You'll just be doing exactly what your mother did for all those years.

That thought snapped my head up right away. I can't believe that through all of this, I'd completely forgotten about her. Then again, I could never deny the fact that her memory wasn't something I kept too close by. Don't misunderstand, I loved her more than anything. But along with that, I had to face the memories of her alcohol abuse.

An idea suddenly coming to me, I pushed my legs off the bed and sat up. Getting to my feet, I pulled a piece of scrap paper out of my pocket along with a pen. I quickly scribbled a note on it for Elliot.

El,

Went out to go do something. Should be back in a little while.

- Olivia

P.S. Don't send Munch out looking for me again. I promise I'll come back.

Quietly slipping out of the bedroom, I was relieved to find that Elliot wasn't in the living room. I heard the shower running and decided to leave the note on the coffee table. I threw my coat on and grabbed the keys to my car as I stepped outside.

--XXX--

Minutes later, I pulled my car up beside a lone tree, right at the iron gate entrance. I parked it and turned the ignition off, giving myself a second before I stepped out into the cold air.

As I felt my feet crunch through the frozen grass, I scanned the area, forgetting which way to go at first. I quickly found my way again. Walking through them all like a maze, I finally stopped in front of the one I'd been looking for.

There, on a piece of granite, read the words "Beloved Mother," underneath it, "Serena Benson, 1956 - 2001."

I bent my knees so that I was sitting on my ankles. I reached out one of my bare hands and started tracing her name, my finger slipping on the curves of the 'S'. I continued until I had twirled the last bend in the second 'n' in Benson.

"Hey Mom…" I gave a sad smile and caught my reflection in the polished stone. I had never talked to her grave like this before. I'd always thought that it was ridiculous to talk to a rock and a mound of dirt. But now, something just felt right and comforting about it, like my mother could hear me.

"I'm sorry I haven't visited you lately," I gave a nervous chuckle, and, ignoring the cold, sat on the frozen ground, "or ever for that matter. I never did see the point of visiting an engraved rock like it was the actual person. That was always your thing." I slid my hand over the top of it, letting the coldness chill my skin. "Things have been pretty hectic these past few days. Then again, I suppose you know that already."

Before she passed away, I remember us having a discussion about life after death. My mother always insisted that we went to heaven and spent our time looking down upon those that we love until they come to join us. Though it was a sweet idea, I didn't really believe it. I'd never been the religious type. My friends had tried to bring me to church before, but I couldn't do it, mainly because I didn't believe in God. After all, what kind of God would allow the things to happen that I face everyday? Or let something like that happen to my mother… Elliot had tried to comfort me by saying that maybe God was right there that night, causing the conception of a baby girl that would grow up to help and change for the better the lives of countless people. I was so touched by his thought, but I still dismissed it. I didn't think the creation of my life was worth destroying my mother's.

"I can't believe I could ever think that Elliot would do that," I shook my head. "At least I know now it wasn't…" I sighed and started rubbing my hands together, the cold starting to get to me.

"You know, I always thought that I understood what you went through that night, especially after joining SVU." I shrugged and bit the side of my lip, a rueful laugh escaping me. "It turns out, I had no idea until a few nights ago." I started to laugh, but it was turned into a sob. I tried to choke it back as I spoke again. "I'm so sorry for everything Mom. Maybe if I'd known, or if…" I paused as a gush of wind hit my face, pushing away the unshed tears in my eyes. After a moment, I felt it move in another direction. It started blowing next to me, picking up a pile of leaves like a small tornado. I watched as the brown leaves twirled in the cyclone as it started to circle me. After running around me only once, the pile appeared in front of me, hanging in mid-air. Then, just as quickly as it had come, the breeze stopped, dropping the leaves directly in my lap. As I watched this, I felt a much needed smile cross my face. I looked at the leaves and then turned my head upwards. "I love you Mom."

--XXX--

Stepping back into Elliot's house, I actually felt pretty good. It wasn't closure, there was no such thing, but maybe… a slight inner peace? Whatever it was, it was slowly starting to take the place of all the pain and hurt.

"I didn't send John out to find you. He was looking for you." Elliot was sitting on the couch, holding up the note I had left him.

"I know," I nodded and pulled my arms out of my coat, hanging it up on the coat rack by the door.

"So where'd you go?" He inquired, watching me as I walked behind the couch.

"Nowhere," I shrugged, leaning my arms against the blue material. I stared at the TV, but I wasn't watching it. I was focused on Elliot carefully studying my face.

"How are you?" He casually asked me, like he was trying to start small talk.

I turned and searched his face before answering. "Very tired of people asking me that." I picked up a square pillow from the opposite end of the sofa and tossed it at Elliot. He skillfully caught it with one hand after it had been airborne for only a few feet. "And you should be in bed."

"How many times are you going to tell me that?" He had a touch of agitation in his voice. I couldn't tell whether it was sincere or just joking.

"Until you listen," I placidly informed him as I straightened myself and crossed my arms.

He stared at me, summing up my threat level towards him if he tried to resist. Apparently, it was more then he wanted to venture against, because he finally folded. "Fine. I'm going." The pillow still in his hands, he stood up and started walking towards his bedroom door as my eyes followed him. Without warning, he stopped and turned back around. In one swift motion, he threw the pillow directly towards me. Due to the well-toned reflexes I'd developed in the police academy and perfected throughout the years, I easily caught it next to my head and held it between the palms of my hands. Keeping the pillow where it was, I turned to Elliot with a pleased grin on my face. He chuckled at my performance and asked, "You know where everything is, right?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I let the pillow drop onto the sofa, taking its original position. Before I had mustered up the courage to go to my apartment, he'd given me a 'point-and-tell' tour of the house. I'd refused to let him walk around and show me things, so he simply sat on the couch and pointed in different directions, describing each room and where everything was. "And if you need anything," I started, knowing full well Elliot would finish my sentence and ignore it anyway.

"I will snap my fingers and you'll come running?" He guessed with a smirk on his face.

"Precisely." He just half-rolled his eyes, branding the even thought completely ridiculous. He turned back around and headed off to his bedroom.