"Here we are, home sweet home!" exclaimed the Joker, opening the door to their hideout. "Let's get you out of those singed clothes and into a nice, hot bath, what do you say, cupcake? Or maybe you've had enough of heat and want a nice, cold bath."

Harley made a non-committal sound. "I'll make it a hot bath – that way I can join you," he said, heading for the bathroom. "What better way to celebrate our reunion than with a romantic, candlelit bubble bath, and maybe a little light waterboarding? You know nothing gets people going like mild asphyxiation!" he chuckled, letting the water run.

Harley just sat on the sofa with her head in her hands. "Pumpkin pie?" asked Joker, re-entering the room. "You ok? You want a nice massage to get things started?" he asked, coming over to her and gently rubbing her shoulders. "Now doesn't that make my baby feel good?"

"I ain't in the mood, Mr. J!" snapped Harley, shoving his hands away suddenly.

Joker was confused by the situation – normally he was the one shoving her away while she was the affectionate one. He had thought Harley would be as eager to reunite with him as he was to reunite with her, but apparently he was mistaken. He didn't like this role reversal at all, and determined to get to the bottom of it so things would go back to normal.

"You wanna…talk about it?" he asked at last. Talking wasn't Joker's usual way of getting to the bottom of things, unless it was him making other people talk under the influence of torture. But Harley had been a shrink, and talking was something shrinks liked to do, so maybe it would work with her. It was how he had manipulated her into helping him escape from Arkham initially, so he hoped manipulating her out of her mood would work this time.

"C'mon, lie down," he said, gesturing to the sofa. "And Daddy J will analyze you, just like he did back in the asylum."

"I just can't believe Johnny acted like that," said Harley, obeying him. "I thought he was my friend. I thought he cared about me, but it turns out he didn't care about me more than his own ego. I just didn't think he could be as selfish as that."

"Well, people are ultimately selfish, pooh," said Joker, shrugging. "Even good people. They claim they're not, but they do all these good works just to make themselves feel better, like Batsy. Don't think he doesn't get personal gratification from beating up criminals, because he does, and that's why he does it, even if he claims otherwise. But even you're a little selfish sometimes."

"When?" demanded Harley, glaring at him. "I do everything for you!"

"No, you went to work for Johnny against my wishes," retorted Joker. "Because he's your friend. Now I've often told you that friends are a waste of time, and you should dump them all, but you don't listen to me, which is pretty insensitive of my feelings, you gotta admit. If you were completely selfless, you'd slavishly obey my every whim. But you don't. And that's part of why I keep you around – nobody wants a relationship with a yes woman, doing whatever they want all the time. A man like me wants a challenge, and you're frequently that, despite what people think. You're always defying me and disregarding me, like with this whole temp job business."

"I was trying to help out Johnny!" retorted Harley. "I was trying to unselfishly help out a guy I thought was my friend!"

"And you were trying to get back at me for suggesting I loan you out sexually to Batman," finished Joker, nodding. "I know you, pooh, and you can't fool me. I wouldn't be interested in a gal who was a complete self-sacrificing doormat. I don't like goody-two-shoes – they're boring. It's why I like Batsy – he's a good guy, supposedly, but he has his dark side, and that's what I love about him. I enjoy grappling with that dark side and trying to encourage it to come out and play. But I don't like Superman because he doesn't have a dark side at all – he's completely good and dull, with no potential for chaos and violence, and so no fun to play with. But you ain't a good girl, whatever you like to think of yourself."

"I like to think of myself as doing my best for the people I care about," retorted Harley.

"And yourself," said Joker. "There's no shame in it, pooh. It's what we all do. And as much as I hate Johnny, I don't think you can blame him for acting in the way most people would. I mean, I did blame him – I broke his hand for it, but you're a lot more forgiving of people than I am. And his whole attitude is really incredibly complimentary toward you. He thought if people thought you'd go for a guy like him, he wouldn't be a loser anymore. It's you he thinks holds the key between people seeing him as a winner or a loser. That's a lotta power he's given you – much more than what I give you. It really shows how much he values you, when you think about it."

Harley was silent as she thought it over. "Maybe I am being a little harsh on him," she admitted. "I just didn't think he was that kinda guy. I always thought he was different, like he really cared about me without getting anything out of it."

"He's not a saint, Harl," retorted Joker. "I mean, I care about you, but I damn well get something out of it. Most relationships are built on some kinda tit for tat, even platonic ones. Presumably you enjoy spending time with your friends – you enjoy their company, although God knows why. But still, that's something you get out of the friendship, otherwise you wouldn't hang out with them. It's the reason none of us hang out with Riddler - that would be a completely unselfish act, because being in his presence would be so irritating that we'd get absolutely nothing out of it except a headache and a death wish. But nobody would be unselfish enough to do that, except maybe Bats, but then again, he is a hero and therefore crazy."

"My friend shouldn't want people to think I'm an unfaithful gal," said Harley.

"Your plant pal does," retorted Joker. "She's always encouraging you to find other guys. I think in her and Johnny's twisted minds, no one would think any less of you for cheating on me, because I don't deserve someone like you in the first place. Again, it's complimentary toward you, even though it doesn't seem that way. It's meant to be insulting to me, that I'm so despicable, I'm not even worthy of basic faithfulness. And hey, maybe they're objectively right, but I know you don't think so. In the end, you're the one being selfish, pooh, to react like this. You're putting your own insulted feelings above Johnny's, and you know he feels awful about what he did. He made a mistake, and he won't do it again, and he'll feel terrible about it forever, because he genuinely cares about you. The kind, unselfish thing to do would be to call him up right now and forgive him. But again, I don't think my gal is that saintly, unless I don't know her at all."

Harley smiled at him. "You do," she said, kissing him. "You know very well I'm a very bad girl. And you're right – I guess I am overreacting about this. It's just been a stressful day, what with the near death experience and all. Maybe that did make me a little irrational and oversensitive."

"That's my girl – I knew you'd see reason!" said Joker, beaming at her.

"I'm not calling Johnny right away though – I'll give him the night to torture himself, which will be worse than anything I could do to him anyway," said Harley. "But I'll call him first thing tomorrow morning to let him know there's no hard feelings. That'll be punishment enough, I think."

"Speaking of punishments, pooh, I do owe you a few spankings for abandoning me," said Joker, grinning. "You want them before or after your bath?"

"I want them during our bath," murmured Harley, grinning back. "I want us to make a big mess together."

"Fine by me – you'll be the one cleaning it up," retorted Joker. "And now that you're back, you can take over cooking again, so I can stop taking over restaurants. Although considering the way you cook, the rotting toppings in Pauli's Deli might be preferable."

"You're such a joker, Mr. J," purred Harley, kissing him.

"That's where my name comes from," agreed Joker. "But that wasn't a joke."

"I've really missed that sense of humor," continued Harley, ignoring him. "Everything's really serious with Johnny – he's super committed to his schemes and doesn't have room for a little fun. And that Lindsay gal was intense as hell too. I guess you attract what you put out, huh?"

"So you're saying I put out clingy, obsessive, annoying dumb blonde?" asked Joker.

"Mmm," agreed Harley, kissing him again. "There's just something about you that attracts that. You can spend time trying to figure out what it is, or you can join me in the bath," she added, heading into the bathroom.

"I guess it's not specifically her type that's attracted to me – all the dames go crazy for a guy like me," said Joker. "Because I'm every woman's dream – handsome, funny, smart, the whole package. The real mystery is what she puts out that attracts me to her."

"Coming, Mr. J?" called Harley from the bathroom. "I ain't wearing nothing except a rag to cover my mouth so you can pour the water down my throat! We'll see if we can break my twenty minute record before passing out!"

"Oh yeah, that's what attracts me to her!" gasped Joker, as he hurried to join her in the bath.