Chapter 41 – Benson
Lyrics by Simple Plan – Welcome To My Life
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me...
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked, when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside your bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me...
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked, when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work
It was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked, when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's here to save you
No you don't know what it's like
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked, when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's here to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life…
Benson
"Captain, I shouldn't have-" The second Elliot had closed the door, I quickly tried to redeem myself.
"Olivia." His voice was a whisper as he raised his hand to silence me. "You're off the case." He rose from his chair and walked to the front of his desk.
"What?" My mouth fell open and I stood as well, trying to convince myself that I'd heard wrong.
"I'm taking you off the case," he repeated, no louder than before.
"But Captain, you can't!" My eyebrows scrunched up in disbelief as I objected.
"I can, and I am," he sighed reluctantly. "I don't want to, but I have no choice."
"But Captain, he grabbed me!" I felt my voice rising in protest. "I was just defending myself!"
"Olivia, I know." There was an unmistakable pain in his words. I ignored his tone and focused on what he was saying.
"Then why…?" I shook my head and stared at him, waiting for an explanation.
"You're becoming too involved," was his answer. "And I'm concerned."
"A fifteen-year-old girl was raped and shot a few blocks from here! Yeah, I'm involved!" I agreed with incredulity.
"Olivia, I'm sorry. I'm doing this for your own good. You can't get so close to these cases after…" He suddenly closed his mouth and remained quiet.
"After? After what?" I crossed my arms and studied him, trying to figure out the end of his sentence. The answer slapped me like a cold gush of wind. "After I was attacked," I finished, angry tears glittering at the corners of my eyes.
"That's not what I meant." He quickly tried to take his words back as he stepped towards me.
"No," I sighed, trying to subside the sobs I felt coming. "That's what you meant, just not what you meant for me to hear." Biting my tongue and tears, I reached out for the doorknob.
"Olivia…" The distress and plea in Cragen's voice turned me back around.
"Just one question," I whispered, all attempts lost as the teardrops slipped down my cheeks. "How long am I going to be punished for being raped?" Leaving before I could shed any more tears in front of my boss, I opened the door and fled towards the exit, trying to ignore Elliot's stares.
Once I made it outside, I knew it'd be seconds before someone followed me, probably Elliot or Cragen. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to someone. I just wanted to be alone.
"Olivia!" I heard footsteps slap against concrete, like someone was running down the stairs. The only thing going through my mind was that I had to get away, be alone somewhere.
Without warning, I burst into a sprint across the street, seeing a gap in the traffic. I ran towards my car, hopped in, and started the ignition. I ignored Elliot's yells and sped away, not sure where I was going and not really caring.
As I came to a stoplight, I suddenly caught a glimpse of the car behind me. He didn't… I adjusted my rear view mirror so that I could see the driver. "Sonofabitch!" I exclaimed in astonishment. Elliot was sitting in his car behind me, wildly motioning for me to pull over.
I can't believe he followed me! Still staring at the mirror, I noticed a car go by me. Looking up, I saw the light had turned green. Anger still coursing through my veins, I stepped on the gas. My tires squealed as the car lurched to life. I'm still not sure what came over me as I started weaving in and out through streets, trying to lose Elliot. I adored him for being there for me and for everything he'd done, but I just wanted to be alone without having to explain myself.
As I pulled onto another street, I waited and saw Elliot's car reappear on my bumper. I felt my hands tighten around the leather steering wheel, turning my knuckles white. Can't he take a hint!
Clenching my jaw together, I suddenly jerked the car to a sharp right, haphazardly parking it in an alley, failing to notice that I'd run over the curb. I jerked the key from the ignition and tossed it in my pocket. I shoved the door open and put my feet on the ground, hearing the small pebbles and concrete pieces crunch under them.
"What in the hell are you doing!" I barked at my partner as I slammed the car door shut. He'd parked on the street and was only just now entering the alley.
"Liv-" He started to explain, but I stopped him.
"No, you know what? I don't really care! You have no right to follow me around!" I angrily cut into the air with my hands.
"Liv, I was just concerned about you." He tried to explain his actions, keeping the distance that we had between us.
"Yeah El! You and the rest of the world!" I referred to my discussion with Cragen. "Just stop, all right!"
"What happened?" He asked, daring to take a few steps towards me.
"It's none of your damn business!" I snapped. "So just leave me the hell alone!" With those final words, I jumped back into my car. Just like when I'd left the station, I screeched out into the street, flying away along the road.
--XXX--
My life sucks… I sighed miserably at my thought. After being raped, having everyone think I couldn't handle it, and chewing out my partner, the best I could come up with was the same complaint every other teenager in the world had. I slightly lifted my head up, my eyes level with the dark brown bottle sitting on the bar in front of me.
I was down at the Tavern, trying to lose myself amidst the cigarette smoke and smell of alcohol and vomit. My seat was the most secluded I could find, the very end of the bar, as far away from the door as possible. The dim lights and wasted people in front of me my cover, just in case anyone was looking for me. Of course, I was thinking about Elliot.
My reason for coming into the bar had been only an innocent one, hide from Elliot. Still staring at the unopened beer in front of me, I shifted my weight on the barstool. My intent had never been to come in here and get drunk. The only reason I had purchased the cheap bottle was to get the bartender to let me stay without grilling me for my life story.
Had I considered doing just that anyway? Sitting back and downing cold beer after beer, drowning myself in it? Of course. But I hadn't. Every time I flirted with the idea, my mother's face popped into my head, like an internal snapshot that I just couldn't get rid of. I couldn't drink… because I was scared. I was absolutely terrified at the thought of becoming my mother and becoming addicted to trying to wash away my attack with alcohol. That was a level I'd never allow myself to fall to, no matter how bad things got.
Then again, how much worse could they be?
I knew trying to cope with this would be difficult. I'd be a fool if I didn't admit that to myself from the start. But… I didn't think it'd be this hard.
I had so many regrets from the past week, so many things I wish I could go back and change, and nothing I could do to change hardly any of them. I despised myself for the way I'd been treating Elliot. How many times had he tried to climb over the walls I'd built around myself, only to have me shove him right back down to the ground? When would he learn? When would he learn that I wasn't worth this? That I wasn't worth the living hell he put himself through, all for self-absorbed me?
I'd dealt with Don no better, using my pain to guilt him into thinking that his care had been more to do with punishing me than anything else. He'd only been concerned and worried for my safety and the safety of everyone around me, and rightfully so. When I attacked that kid, I had lost all of my 'cop cover.' When I was twisting his body like a pretzel, I wasn't a police officer. I was just a victim staring at the face of my attacker. If I couldn't get through an interview without converting between the two like that, I was a threat.
By now, I was acutely aware of the tears that were streaming down my cheeks again. I shook my head, trying to dislodge a sob caught in my throat. I hated what I'd become. Before being raped, I was head strong and independent, never showing a weak side, much less allowing myself to cry. Now, I couldn't remember the last time I'd gotten through a day without these salty rivers running from my eyes.
I rose from the barstool and kept my head down as I pushed through the drunken crowds to get to the door. Swinging the cheap wood open, I stepped into the dark city streets, only a few street lamps to light my way. A cold blanket covered me, bringing to my attention my absence of a coat and stinging my tears. I rubbed my face dry and filled my lungs with the cool, crisp night air.
As I made my way along the sidewalk to my car, I caught myself wondering where to go now. Only one thought fought its way to the front, I wish I could go to Elliot's. I gave a bitter laugh at the thought. Only my logic could be so twisted that I'd actually expect him not to hate me. He was only human, and he could only be pushed so far before he finally gave up hope… on me.
So, no place left to go but 'home sweet home'. I silently cursed the moronic being that had coined that ridiculous phrase as I drove towards my apartment.
--XXX--
The first thing I saw as I shuffled my feet down the hallway was an unmoving lump sitting right in front of my apartment door. My reflexes desperately tried to force my hand to my holster and plant my feet firmly where I was, but I resisted and continued walking towards the shadowy shape.
Only a few yards away, I realized it was a person, curled up in a ball, their form hidden by the coat and the face by the coat collar. It was only a few seconds later when I heard soft snores coming from the person. Creeping towards him, I quietly bent down to see their face. Pushing back the collar, I distinguished him at once. It was Elliot.
As I looked over the scene, I noticed that the coat covering his face wasn't his, but mine. It looked like he had staked out, waiting for me to come home, and had fallen asleep.
What did I ever do to deserve having someone so wonderful in my life? I marveled, trying to stop tears of pure happiness and amazement from slipping down my face. Bending my knees and sitting on my ankles, I sat level with my sleeping partner. For a few moments, I just watched him sleep peacefully, an angelic presence about him.
I should have learned by now, I scolded myself. He is a man that will never cease to amaze me. I could build the walls protecting me as high as I wanted. Nothing would ever stop him from trying to get past them.
Over-come, I suddenly reached my hand out. Slightly pressing the back of my hand to his temple, I ran my hand down the side of his face until my hand ended up on his shoulder.
"El?" I slightly shook him, trying to wake him from his slumber. A small yawn escaping him, his eyelids slowly rose.
"Olivia!" A stunned look crossed his still half-asleep face. Suddenly, he started shuffling around his lap. "I brought your coat." He held it towards me, like peace offering, a rueful look on his face.
"Thanks." I allowed a small smile to cross my face as I wrapped it around my arm and turned back to Elliot.
"Liv, I'm so sor-"
"El," I whispered, locking my eyes with his. I searched his face as I tried to find the right words to explain everything, and to apologize myself. After a minute, I settled on remaining silent, allowing my gaze to speak for me. For a minute, we just stared at each other, an understanding passing through us.
"Come on." I straightened my legs and offered my free hand to Elliot. "You're probably scaring my neighbors." He thoughtfully wrapped his hand around mine and I braced myself as he rose to his feet as well.
We walked into my apartment and I flipped the light on. As I wrapped my coat around the back of a dining room chair, I gave Elliot an offer. "You can sleep on my couch if you don't want to drive home." I turned around to face him. "It might be a little more comfortable than the floor."
"Thanks Liv," he grinned. "But really, you were right. I shouldn't have been following you around." His face flushed as he realized that he'd followed me to my apartment to tell me that. "I'm s-"
"Elliot, stop," I interrupted his apology again, putting my hands in my pockets. "You did what anyone else would have done." I sighed and shrugged, moving my gaze to the tiled floor. "I'm the self-absorbed jerk that can't see when someone is just trying to help because they care."
"Hey," he objected with affection in his voice. "If I can't blame myself, than neither can you."
"El, I-" The next thing I was going to say was suddenly cut off by a big yawn I couldn't manage to stifle.
"What time is it?" He moved his arm up to a light so that he could read his watch. "It's almost one in the morning." He looked at me. "And you look exhausted."
"You're the one who fell asleep in front of my door," I pointed out in slight defense.
"Well, then I'll go to bed," he shrugged, flopping down on my couch, stretching out his arms and legs.
I went over to a closet and pulled out a spare blanket and pillow. "Here." I tossed the bundle to Elliot and it landed in his lap.
"Thanks." He grinned and picked it up, tossing the rectangular pillow to one end of the couch.
"Night." I said, heading towards my bedroom.
"Liv?" Elliot's voice turned me back around. He paused before speaking again, his eyes locked on mine. "You're not a jerk. And you're anything but self-absorbed."
I just stared at him, at a loss for words. "Night," I repeated, a new smile on my face.
"Night." He finally said as well.
