Parody Ex
JC limped off the boat. Anna approached him. "All right, let's go. The terrorists are..."
"You wouldn't happen to have any painkillers?" JC interrupted
"Of all the assignments, I get this one. No I don't have painkillers. Use a medkit"
"Err, my medical skill is quite low"
"You can use a medkit even if your untrained Denton"
JC looked at her pathetically.
"You're joking? You're not even untrained?" Anna asked. JC shook his head. "Ugh, you're going to have to put up with it. Anyway, the terrorists are in a fighting retreat. A few barricaded themselves in Castle Clinton. Your orders are to locate a barrel of ambrosia..."
"My orders are to tell you to piss off."
"Fine, be that way. But if your going to go to the subway straight away, rescue the
hostages."
"Yeah. Sure" With that, JC began running to the subway. He started running, but then noticed a soda machine. He decided a nice soda would take his mind off the pain. He put his credits in and the machine slid to the side, revealing a secret entrance. "Hey where's my soda?" JC yelled. He started punching the machine. "God damn terrorist soda machine!". JC began kicking the soda machine. Eventually, through an epic amount of kung-fu skills, a soda popped out. JC took a long gulp. "Lovely" JC said.
JC arrived at the subway station. He walked down the stairs, straight into a squad of NSF troopers. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to know when the next train to Hell's Kitchen arrives would you?" JC asked. The terrorists began firing at him. He took out his hair gel and began throwing it into the terrorist's eyes.
"Aah, my eyes! Non-toxic hair gel in my eyes!" one of the terrorists screamed. JC proceeded down the stairs. One of the hostages yelled "Don't walk through the las..." She was cut off by the massive explosion throughout the subway. "Oops" JC said as he proceeded into the train.
The train stopped at Hell's Kitchen. JC exited the train, soda in hand, and walked towards the stairs. Paul approached him. "Where the fuck did you come from?" JC asked.
"JC we have to talk. That hostage rescue was a disaster. Your trenchcoat was muddy and creased. If you want to keep looking cool, you have to wash the thing and iron it reguarly."
"I did what I had to do." JC replied "The laundrette owner was charging $2 extra because it was so big. You know UNATCO procedure. Don't negotiate with terrorists."
"I guess you're right. Well go and blow up the generator bro. If you need anything, my stash is behind the cupboard in my room. Keypad's behind the painting." Paul began running towards the train
"Hey Paul!" JC shouted
"Yeah?"
"You got any painkillers?"
"Just use a medkit JC"
"Err, okay..." JC decided that he would just have to wait until the pain passed naturally. He walked out of the subway station and walked down the street. He saw a sign for a free clinic. "Woo! Painkillers!" JC yelled as he entered the clinic. He saw two bums talking. He walked past them and approached the doctor. "Painkillers..." JC said
"This isn't Max Payne. You get a medkit, 300, or the full automated care program, 2000"
"Some fucking free clinic" JC quicksaved. "Okay, I'll take the program."
"The code to the surgery bay is 2153"
JC laughed manically as he handed the doctor 2000 credits. He loaded his last save.
A thing called Icarus popped up in his view "Error, savegame corrupted".
"Noooooooo!" JC yelled as he typed in the code to the door. He healed himself and went back outside. He approached the park and suddenly all hell broke loose. JC decided to jack a gun off one of the terrorists. He now had himself a pistol. He upgraded his skill to TRAINED in celebration of the moment. He had skipped training, so he didn't really know how to fire one of these things. "Err.." JC said as he examined the gun.
A terrorist shot JC in the rib. "Chickenfucker!" JC yelled as he began firing his gun wildly. He killed one UNATCO troop. Then another. Another one. Eventually the UNATCO troops turned on him. It was a violent bloodbath, with everyone firing at JC. He retreated into the bar. "Ow" JC said as he slammed his head on it. Oh real funny play on words JC thought as he ran into the real bar. Just act smooth JC he thought as he casually leaned on the counter. He surveyed the bar, trying to look real cool. "Bartender, beer please. Shaken, not stared" You da man!.
"You don't shake a beer, dumbass" the bartender replied.
"Then I'll take my custom elsewhere!" JC yelled as he exited the bar. He walked around for a while, and forgot what his mission was. "Uh, Alex, if you can hear me, can you brief me on the mission."
"Yeah JC. Your objective is to suck your own dick until someone shoots you and I get to monitor an agent who isn't a complete retard"
"Manderley said that? What a mean guy. At least I can count on you Alex."
"Oh for fucks sake, run into the warehouse and get yourself killed while trying to blow up a generator"
"I'll do my best" JC said as he proceeded to Osgoods. "This is as good a warehouse as any"
He entered the warehouse and saw a keypad. He forced hair gel into it until it shattered, fragments flying everywhere. The elevator next to it opened. JC kissed his hair gel before putting it back into his pocket. Mmm, strawberry flavour. JC reached the roof, and saw a fucktonne of NSF snipers guarding the nearby buildings. He began leaping over the buildings with blinding speed. "Fascist!" the terrorists yelled as they fired at him.
"Shoot, shoot, as fast as your refire rate can! You can't catch me, I'm the augmented man!" JC sang as he leaped over the buildings. A bullet ripped through his chest and he fell to the floor in a bloody heap. Alex popped up in his view.
"Fucking finally, you died." He wants me dead? No, it must be moral encouragement! I've got the entire of UNATCO behind me, I will prevail!. JC stood up and unholstered his comb. "You've got to be kidding me" Alex said through his infolink. JC dived onto the roof of the warehouse housing the generator, and leaped down through the window. He ran down one of the ramps and jumped over the railing, landing on top of the generator. Terrorists fired at him from all angles as he jammed the comb into one of the generator pipes. He retreated up the ramps to the roof, as the generator exploded into tiny pieces. Alex popped up in his infolink, saying nothing, but with his jaw nearly touching the ground. "Thanks Alex for the support"
"Uh, yeah, support. Woo, go JC!"
JC then approached the black helicopter that had landed on the roof to take him back to HQ. "Nice to finally meet you agent. Name's Jock. Hop in"
"Urr, how?"
"The same way you got on the boat"
"I've kind of forgotten how I got on the boat"
"Right click you idiot!"
"Right click what?"
"The helicopter!"
"I'm clicking the helicopter, nothing's happening"
"Right click while facing the helicopter!"
"Erm, I think it's broke"
"Wow, and I thought Paul was stupid."
"Oh yeah, now I remember how I got on the boat"
JC leaped on top of the helicopter landing in a splits position and jamming the rotors. "JC, get away from the rotors!" Jock yelled. The helicopter exploded, sending JC flying through the air. He landed on a nearby street. Yet again, in a splits position.
"YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH..."
