Heyah, guys! Prepare yourself to enter Wal-Mart!

Raziel: About time…

Smoke: How ya doin? Glad you thought the Dairy Queen commercial thing was funny.

Gir: I love that show…

Malice-Pyro-Valcom: Good luck on your sequel! I think you'll like what's coming up!

The Twisted Sister: Glad you liked the piggy. Just be glad you don't have to deal with these!

Moebius: I get humiliated and killed at the very end of this chapter, so keep reading after the next batch of italics! (sigh dreamily) I have finally gotten some time in her story…

(slaps Moebius) Enough talk! Let's get started!

Unexpected Visitors

Chapter ix: Into the Store … Finally!

Puddi led the way towards the large glass double doors of the Wal-Mart. All the while, the two men complained about the pig incident. She aridly explained she didn't want to take a side trip to the Hospital. Finally they arrived at the front doors where many signs were taped to the glass, ranging from recent sales to local happenings. But one caught Kain's interest in particular.

"No shoes, no shit, no service?" he read.

Puddi gave him a dirty look for not noticing a strategic r missing from the sign. "That's 'no shoez, no shirt, no service. Means--" She stopped and slammed her hand hard against her forehead. How could she have forgotten this? Puddi turned and faced the confused men. "Look guys," she explained, "Ah need ta go 'n there first an' buy ya some dress requirements." They weren't getting it, so she decided to continue explaining. "They w'll not allow ya inside without uh shirt, Kain," she turned to Raziel, who thought because his little cover would be fine as a shirt, he was out of any need for additional attire. She looked at him sternly. "An' unless you have forgotten, Raz-mah-taz, ya got no pants!" Kain laughed at that last comment as Raziel looked down at his nuded pelvis. "Even though it doesn't specifically say 'no pants', they are always implied."

"Oh, of course."

She sighed. "Just stay here an' stay oudda trouble." She quickly slipped inside the doors and out of sight. Kain and Raziel vamoosed over to the curb not ten feet away from the door and sat. The wraith turned to his former master and noticed he seemed quite annoyed. When he asked the reason for his irritation, he only received a haughty harrumph. Kain had never been a great conversationalist about emotions.

It wasn't too long after that Puddi showed up carrying the items the two undead men needed to enter the establishment. She handed Kain a large black t-shirt. "This iz yers, and this," she handed a pair of brown cords to Raziel, "iz yers. Feel free ta keep'im." Taking off his red sash and tying it around his waist, Kain quickly threw the shirt over his head and firmly tugged it into place. It fit pretty snug against his chest, but it wasn't uncomfortable. He could not help but notice the bright red lettering stenciled brazenly across his torso. He raised an eyebrow.

Raziel jumped into the brown corduroys Puddi had bought him that amazingly matched the color of his clan sash he wore across his face. Buttoning them up, he turned to see what Kain was wearing and laughed. The vampire overlord gave Puddi a look of ire. "Why did you buy me this, Puddi?" he asked as calmly as he could. Looking down, the crimson words 'I eat kids' stared back at him mockingly.

She giggled a bit behind her dainty hand. "Ah thought it matched ya." Raziel nodded in agreement. Kain retorted with a fiery glare. "Well, anyways," sighed Puddi. "We're all ready ta enter now, sooooo … c'mon!" she exclaimed excitedly and ran inside the glass double doors. Kain shrugged and both men proceeded to go in the establishment.

Their eyes widened in amazement; these two have never seen such a vast marketing area. Puddi, not too far in front of them and holding small red basket, motioned for her companions to join her at her side. Passing the clothing section, Kain saw where she found his shirt, as many copies of it hung from a rack in the men's section as Raziel, much to his dismay, found his cord pants in the women's.

The whole time they wandered the aisles, soft music played in the background. Noticing the punctuated loudness of the chorus, Kain cocked an eyebrow towards Puddi, who just shrugged back. "Phil Collin's 'Sussudio,'" she informed. "Th' store plays s'me nice muzic for people, since they're more than likely gonna be here a while." Looking at the various items for sale at such low prices, they could believe it easily. The upbeat music stopped, and a strange piano solo began to flow through the aisles. And then the strangest lyrics began.

Isn't it nice to have a penis?

All three people's brows shot up.

Isn't it right wonderful to have a dong?

"What is that playing?" asked a shocked vampire lord.

Puddi laughed. "Sometimes they play the weirdest of music in the middle of the night."

Raziel stared disdain at his cord pants and sighed heavily. "I miss my genitalia."

Both his companions jumped back. Puddi just stared at him in astonishment as Kain looked disgusted. He quickly wheeled around to find something, anything, to get his mind off the terrible image he acquired.

Kain picked up a metal apparatus with two attached agitators. "What is this?"

She glanced back to see what he was holding. "That iz uh beater. Ya push the button when it's plugged in, an' it will beat stuff."

He looked at it carefully as Puddi showed him where the button lay. Of course, pushing the button makes the beaters spin, but he tried it anyway, out of curiosity. Raziel was next to him, yet not concerned with what his former master was doing: he occupied himself with staring at a toaster. Kain placed a claw to his chin in thought. He snuck the beater to Raziel's head, into his hair, and turned it on.

The pained scream that followed filled the aisles. "Kain! Get it off me now!" Kain's eyes went wide at the response he received from the wraith. He could not deny its potential as a backup weapon.

"Can we buy this?" he asked Puddi, making himself look as striking as possible.

She snatched the beaters away from him. "We're not here ta look fer more torture devices fer ya, Kain. But since you asked soooo nicely…" Puddi dropped it into the basket. Raziel rubbed his sore head and tried to fix his now disheveled hair. After rectifying his hairstyle, he grabbed the nearest utensil, which happened to be a spatula, and roughly slammed it onto the vampire lord's forehead.

"Cut it out, yew tee-ew!" Puddi yelled as she gently pushed the men down the aisles.

Surprisingly enough, they found that item of great importance, the one thing that can bring Kain and Raziel back to their own reality, in none other than the Wal-Mart's famous electronics section. Ironically, it looked just like the hand-held time streaming device Moebius gave Kain when he was a fledgling.

Puddi regarded her new friends with a sad smile. "Well, after all that crap we've shlepped through," she chimed, "finally yew tee-ew can go back to whence thy came."

Raziel crossed his arms. "It is too late now to use proper English," he nagged.

"Shudup." She returned to her somber yet happy expression as she handed Kain the dimensional transcender. "With this, you may return to your lands and fulfill your duty as Scion of Balance." Kain took the device and nodded. Raziel stepped close to the vampire lord as he held up the device.

"Oh, one more thing," Kain cooed. He drew his Reaver with his free hand. Puddi's big brown eyes went wide with fear. Oh crap. Kain plummeted his serpentine blade through her well-developed chest.

And that was the last thing that little woman saw.


Kain: (laughs manically)

Hey! That's no way to honor the dead!

Raziel: No, but at least I get to laugh at her for dying. (laughs loudly) Hurts to die, huh?

Anyway, well, let me know how you liked the ending! -gryps incedio


I know what question is left on your mind: What can Kain use a beater for? Well, let me tell you…

Kain entered the inner sanctum of the Vampire Citadel and saw someone he had not expected to meet. He smiled. This was truly going to be fun.

Kain hopped down the large pit, landing silently behind the one man he would kill over and over for the rest of eternity. His prey stood slightly hunched, his head bowed in submission as he talked to his unseen lord. He mentioned the vampire lord's death, and so he decided to speak.

"You're a bit premature."

The hooded man wheeled around. "Kain!" But how could he be alive!

"Is there a crack in your omniscience after all, Moebius?" he said slowly and dangerously. The Time Streamer raised his staff to immobilize him as he had done in the depths of the Sarafan Stronghold, but it had no effect. Moebius broke out into a sweat. "First your omniscience, then your powers." Kain smiled. "You're slipping badly."

"It is not possible!" Moebius said, panicked.

Kain bat away the useless staff and roughly grabbed the old man's hand to bring it to his chest. A gaping and bloody hole resided there. "The part which that staff affected is no longer in its place," he informed. "But you already knew that." Kain pushed the Time Streamer from him. "And now, Moebius, it is time."

"To kill me? Again!" he wailed. "Your solution to every problem. Kill!"

Kain stopped. An idea struck him. "I do not necessarily have to kill everyone," he mused to himself aloud. He reached behind him and drew the beater he received from Puddi. Kain quickly grabbed the old man and pressed his upper torso against the agitators and tuned it on.

Moebius loosed a high-pitched squeal that even Raziel heard in the ethereal realm, having received the worst pinch to the nipple he had ever experienced.

Of course, Kain killed him, yet he still invented a new attack for himself.

The Texas Titty Twister.