Hello again readers! How is everybody? Ahem. Today, I'll be sharing with you a favorite tale of mine – one that I'm sure will become one of your favorites as well. In today's story, you'll get to hear the first hand account of the famous Kirby as he makes an exciting trek through the wilds of Hoenn!

Where/what is Hoenn, you ask? Well, as some of you may not know, Hoenn is a wonderful place in Nintendoland where Pokemon reside. And how did Kirby wind up there, you ask? Geez, you people ask too many questions! Well, I guess it all started because of a secret I learned from Tokkori one day in a visit to the Kirby household.

Tale 2: A Pink Puffball's Romantic Failures

"The Player has arrived!" I cried as I appeared before him. Tokkori squawked in surprise and fell down the flight of stairs he was walking down.

"Oof!" He grunted, landing painfully on his face, his beak scraping a deep groove into the floor. "CRUD!" He shouted angrily, getting up and grabbing his beak. "I just finished waxing this thing! Give a guy a warning next time, will ya?"

"Oh! Hello Tokkori!" I said cheerfully, happy that he was so pleased to see me. "Nice to see you again! Where's Kirby? I thought I'd discuss a few things with him today."

Tokkori smiled shrewdly. "He's upstairs washing up. I er… accidentally spilled some paint on him while we were painting the living room. He's kind of blue right now," he chuckled.

"That sounds very festive!" I remarked, imagining how Kirby would look blue instead of pink. "He should give it a try instead of washing it off right away!"

Torkkori laughed. "That's what I told him!" He said with a grin. "But you know Kirby. He's always so negative about things like that. Did you know," he said in a hushed voice, motioning for me to come closer, "that he's actually very self-conscious about his appearance? Him! That pink puffball! I'm guessing it's 'cause he isn't having much luck with the ladies!"

"Really?" I asked in surprise. "The poor guy! What he needs is to meet some new ladies then! Maybe I should send him somewhere where he can meet some pretty strangers if he's having no luck here…"

"That's a GREAT idea!" Tokkori exclaimed. "He'd love that!"

"Very well then!" I cried, nodding at Tokkori and beaming. "I know just the place where Kirby can strut his stuff and look good for the ladies! I'll send him on a field trip into Hoenn!"

"Darned if I know where you're talking about, but if it's you that picked it out, I'm sure he'll be ecstatic," Tokkori chuckled merrily. "Oh, but don't tell him I gave you the idea. He's kind of touchy about that subject you know."

"Right!" I agreed. "Good bye for now, Tokkori! Perhaps I should reward you later for being such a good friend to Kirby!"

"Oh no, your greatness, Ma'am," he said quickly, his eyes widening (in embarrassed modesty, I was certain). "That's totally unnecessary! I just want Kirby to feel better about himself, heheh."

"So be it!" I cried, and with a wave of my arm, I transported myself to Hoenn, and summoned Kirby after me. He appeared on the grass where I had summoned him – covered in soap suds.

"Great balls of fluff!" He shrieked. "What happened to my house? Wha? Where am I!" He looked at me and tripped on the now-slippery grass. "Yah!" He yelled. "It's the Player!"

"Fear not, Kirby," I said kindly. "I am not angry with you for being so undignified in my presence. As a good and generous ruler, I can forgive nearly any mistake!"

"Er… uh, yeah," he laughed nervously. "Um… where exactly am I, Player Shuko? And why did you bring me here in the middle of my shower?"

"You are in the scenic land of Hoenn!" I cried, sweeping my arms open wide. "Isn't it beautiful? And just so you know," I added, elbowing him with a sly grin. "There are lots of lovely ladies here. You only have to look. Well, I'd better get going now. Lots to do today!"

"Wait a minute!" Kirby yelled as I began to dematerialize. "What the heck do you want me to do here!"

"Just be yourself, dear Kirby," I laughed at him. "A girl should expect nothing more of you than that!"

"Huh?" He said, obviously confused. The poor guy. I guess the concept had never occurred to him before. As I left him to his impending amorous adventures, I hoped that he'd find true love at last.

So that's how Kirby came to be in this wonderful land of love and adventure! Care to hear his tale? I must warn you; poor Kirby is actually quite dense in the matters of the heart. It's even worse than Tokkori had said! Be prepared for a tale of heartbreak and woe as only our poor clueless Kirby can stumble into.


My Trials in the Barbaric Land of Pokemon
Okay, here's the thing. The Player has completely lost her mind. Not only did she abduct me in the middle of the shower, but she dropped me in one of the most frightening places I can ever remember having been to. She called this place Hoenn. I call it Insanityville.

My fun and adventure began when I went to a nearby stream to wash the remaining soap from my body. I had no sooner jumped into the water than I felt something slimy wrap around my foot. I felt the grip of whatever it was tighten around me, and I began to struggle violently to free myself. I finally did get loose, thanks to how slippery the soap had made me, and I scrambled back up onto the bank. I looked down into the water, and saw what looked like an enormous jellyfish (with EYES! 0o) staring at me from just beneath the surface of the water. What kind of stream has jellyfish in it, for crying out loud? I took off then, and ran into a forest that bordered the stream twenty or so feet away. I'd had a sudden urge to find a place to hide – being out in the open seemed like a bad idea.

I walked along between the trees for an hour or so with relatively little incident. But suddenly it occurred to me that I was lost. I didn't know how far I had to go to get out of the forest, nor did I even know how to get back to where I had entered. I was just about to try sucking in some air and flying up above the trees for a better look, when I heard a rustling in some bushes nearby.

"Wh- who's there?" I said, trying not to let my voice quiver so much. "Show yourself!" A young human boy popped his upper half out of the bushes, his face filled with astonishment.

"Holy Miltank!" He cried. "That Jigglypuff talks! I've got to catch him!"

"Oh boy," I said in mock enthusiasm. "This is bound to end well."

"Pokeball go!" The kid cried, hurling a red and white ball at me with all his might. I didn't dodge it quickly enough, and it hit me square in the face, bouncing back out in front of me. It landed in the leaf litter at my feet.

"Yowch!" I cried angrily, rubbing my face where the ball had struck me. "What's the big idea? What'd I do to you, you little brat?"

"Aw shoot," the kid said in a disappointed tone, obviously ignoring me. "I guess that traveling salesman musta sold me some faulty balls. I guess I'll have to catch you the hard way then! C'mere, you rare Jigglypuff, you!" He leapt out of the bush and bounded toward me.

"Yaaaargh!" I screamed, turning and running for my life. I had no idea who this Jigglypuff character was; all I knew was that I had a lunatic chasing after me in a strange, seemingly endless jungle. Yay! Such fun! The Player must love me to death!

As I ran through the woods, I tried to think of some way to lose this weirdo. We were running way too fast for me to suck in anything to send back at him. Besides, I didn't trust any of the stuff this place had laying around anyway. It'd probably make me sick. Suddenly, inspiration struck, and I knew what to do. I grabbed a stick off the ground as I ran, and brandishing it like a sword, skidded to a stop, and lunged at the boy, prepared to beat him silly with it.

"What the?" He cried, stopping short of my lunge. "It's gone crazy!"

I swung at him again, snarling viciously. He dodged it – just barely, and began to back away.

"This isn't right!" He exclaimed, jumping just beyond my reach as I swung again. "The heck with this! I don't want you if you're this insane!" He turned and fled then, and as I watched him go, I dropped my stick and leaned against a nearby tree. Panting heavily from my exertion, I tried to figure out what I should do next. I looked around and realized that I had reached the border of the forest, and was near the base of a rocky band of hills and mountains. The sun was beginning to set, and I was becoming increasingly more aware that the Player wasn't coming back for me anytime soon.

"There's sure to be a cave or two around here," I thought wearily. "It might be a good idea to find a place to sleep for the night."

I walked along the base of the larger hills for a little while, and sure enough, I found a cave, nestled in among the boulders. Too tired to bother with searching it for wild animals first, I crawled a few feet inside and plopped myself down for a much-needed nap. "Stupid Player..." I can remember mumbling as I drifted off to sleep...

I awoke with a start early the next morning. Groggily rolling up onto my feet, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and glanced around. I had the distinct feeling that something had startled me awake. "What is it this time?" I wondered aloud in a very cranky voice. I cautiously crept to the cave entrance and peered outside. The fresh morning air smelled pretty good, and I could see no sign of anything threatening, so I decided to take the chance and come out for a look around.

"Jigglypuff!" Something squealed loudly behind me. Crying aloud in alarm and surprise, I jumped away from the sound, and - turning a somersault in mid-air - flipped around to see what had made it. The strangest sight met my eyes. On the spot right behind where I had been standing, stood a round, puffy, pink... thing. At first glance I thought I was looking into some kind of strange distorted mirror, but then I noticed that there were differences between me and it. It had rounded, almost triangular ears atop its round body, and enormous blue eyes. It stared at me with what appeared to be great interest, and what I assumed to be its cheeks had a distinctly reddish hue. I also noticed that, tucked up next to its right ear was a small white flower which resembled a daisy. Whatever it was, it was most likely female.

"Jigglypuff! Jiggle-ee!" She cried with delight, bouncing over to me before I had a chance to react. She bounced around me a couple of times, making a sort of giggling sound as she did so. I was rather unnerved by her erratic behavior, but as she didn't look angry or scared, I wasn't sure if she intended to do me harm or not, so I thought it best not to do anything to provoke her yet. Suddenly she stopped bouncing around and landed in front of me, barely inches away from my face. "Puff! Jiggly!" She cooed in a strangely soothing, calming tone.

"What!" I cried in a confused and rather concerned voice as she began rubbing her cheek against mine. "What do you want? Hey, stop it!" I gasped when she did something altogether too strange for me to handle. She... she KISSED me! Right on the cheek!

"Jigglypuuufff!" She giggled, backing away a couple of steps and blushing at me.

"Good gravy," I thought with a silent groan. The thing thought she was in love with me!

"Now... now, you just wait a minute!" I said nervously, backing away as she advanced on me with an almost hungry look in her eyes. "I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone right now... I'm what you'd call a professional bachelor. Yeah... yeah, so why don't you lay off, okay?"

"Jigglypuff! Puff!" She crooned. It was easy to see that she wasn't going to be easily dissuaded. And she obviously couldn't understand a word of what I was saying. Things were becoming ridiculous.

Suddenly she pulled what looked like a microphone out of Player knows where, and holding it up in front of her, she closed her eyes like she was deep in thought. It looked like she was going to give a speech or something.

"Listen, I just don't have time for this!" I said in exasperation. "I've gotta figure out a way to get back home!"

But she didn't pay any attention to me. She opened her eyes, and began to sing a soft, sweet song. I can't really put it into words... it had a really strange effect on my senses. All I can remember is hearing the melody and thinking how calming and relaxing it was. And after that, I don't remember a thing.

The next thing I CAN remember is waking up in a patch of grass next to her, with her sleeping alongside me, and what appeared to be a large egg tucked snugly between us. As I looked first at her, and then at the egg, I suddenly had the most sickening, gutwrenching feeling I'd ever felt in my life. What in the name of all that is puffy did I DO!

I began whimpering like a little baby, suddenly saturated with self-loathing and self-pity all at once. My life had been ruined, and it hadn't even been with someone of the same species! My sobbing must have awakened her, because she rolled up onto her feet and looked at me curiously. "Jiggly?" She asked me.

"I have no idea what you're saying," I sobbed. "This just can't be happening!"

"Jigglypuff!" She said, her expression turning to what looked unmistakenly like anger. "Jigglypuff! Jiggly!" She cried, grabbing the egg and snatching it away from me. She set it down a few feet away, and stomped over to me again. "Jig-gl-y-puff!" She exclaimed, slapping me on each syllable. The action took me so completely off guard that just looked at her in bewilderment.

"What was that for?" I wondered aloud.

"Jiggly!" She cried, this time in a much louder, angrier voice. She raised one of her arms high, and then brought it down on my head violently. And then she pounded me like that a second time. After that, I thought it best to take that as my cue to exit. I scrambled back to my feet and ran for my life, with her hollering things like "Pu!" and "Jiggle!" after me as I went. It was then that I noticed that not far off stood none other than Player Shuko. At first I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but all at once every instinct in my body told me it was time to give her a piece of my mind.

"Hey! Player!" I shouted, running up to her and screeching to a stop, panting and rubbing what were quickly turning into painful red lumps where that thing had popped me on the head. "I want some words with you!"

"Oh, hi Kirby!" She exclaimed excitedly. "I wanted to pop in and see how you've been getting along! Have you found any lovely ladies that you like yet?"

"Lovely ladies!" I asked her in disbelief. "I was just... just... used by some kind of creature, and you ask me about lovely ladies!"

"Creature?" She asked me, putting a hand over her eyes and peering across the grassy plain to where that weird thing was still sitting with the egg. "Do you mean that Jigglypuff back there?"

"I guess that's what it is," I growled, indignance welling up inside me. "She did something to me, and put me to sleep with some weird singing. When I woke up there was this egg there, and then she attacked me!"

"Oh Kirby, you poor thing!" The player wailed, scooping me up in her arms and cradling me like some kind of blasted infant. "Of all the girls to get involved with! You chose a Jigglypuff? Kirby, that was the worst kind to fall for! Jigglypuff separate once the egg is laid! She'll never want to see you again now! Oh, you poor thing!"

"Just... just take me home," I said angrily, my face flushing as I felt more embarrassed than I ever had in my life. "I don't want to stay in this place any longer. Okay?"


And there you have it. Poor Kirby. Is he truly destined to forever be unlucky in love? I hope that someday he will find a girl who'll stay by him forever, unlike that fickle Jigglypuff. Good luck, Kirby, you hapless guy! I'm rooting for you!

That's all for today's tale, my lovely readers. Next time, I'll share the story of how I found poor, lonely Fox McCloud the best pet he could ever want! Until next time, Game On!