Chapter 4: 2 Freaky Little Boys
Disclaimer: We still don't own Teen Titans! If we did, we'd up season five's quality by a few notches. Yes, yes, we wwwill...
After 5 weeks ofintensive therapy, cuddling bunnies (including Raven the bunny), and eating loads of durian, Robin is still suffering from the Gollum syndrome.
Star: I fear that friend Robin has finally gone, what was that word? Bonkers?
Rob: Lets me go, precious! We must find the precious Slade! I must finds him! We wants him! LETS ME GO PRECIOUS! (Thrashes around in a straitjacket)
Dis: Maybe I should've kept my big mouth shut after all.(Starfire's eyes starts to glow green, and advances on Dis)
Star: Because of your incompetent mentioning of Slade, my Robin is now suffering dearly! You will PAY!
Dis: AAAAAAAHHHHH! (Runs away screaming like a little girl while dodging a fury of starbolts)
Syani: Wait! Wait, Star! As much as I like to see Dis squirm like a decapitated ant, I've got a cure for Robin!
Titans: You do? What is it! Tell us! Quick! Why are you staring at us Syani, and, hey- why are we all talking at the same time?
Syani: No idea. But through days of researching, blackmailing, and durian-eating, I've finally found a cure for Robin. (Walks carefully towards Robin who's gargling like Gollum)
Robin: Master… you comes to frees us? We will promises to finds the precious Slade, We wills… I wills… (Syani shows Robin the picture of Batman in the suit and Wonder Woman locked in a passionate kiss)…OH MY GAWD! NO, NO! THE ATROCITY, THE SHAME! THE HUMILIATION! OH, MY VIRGINITY my precious… hey, my voice is back, and I'm not crawling on all fours anymore, precious! I'm BACK! I'm back in my old obsessive-self again! I'm back! And away Gollum goes precious! Robin is free! FREE!
Robin jumps around in joy while the others stare.
Rae: Well, at least he's not acting like Gollum anymore.
Rob: Hey guys! Let's have some durian to celebrate my return precious! How about it?
Back in the dimension where the dastardly -maybe-not-so-but-thinks-he-is- villain, the Storyteller watches on at the Teen Titans doing an act on the classic fairy-tale, Cinderella. But Storyteller isn't the only one in Titans Tower watching the show (actually, it was broadcasted in Titans's East, the Justice League's Watchtower, and in Terry Pratchett's computer, but that's not important), beside him, tied up with very strong ropes, was Batman himself. Thankfully in his original suit, but still tied up, and sporting a crimson red hand mark imprinted on his cheek.
"So, let me get this straight: you teleported me away from my secret date with Wonder Woman, sent me to your narrating booth ahead of your supposed schedule, just to scare out what little sanity Robin had left, then teleported me back to Wonder Woman, only to receive an extremely tight slap from her, and now you expect me to NARRATE THIS CRAZY STORY OF YOURS?" Batman furiously exclaimed.
Storyteller, who had a dastardly look on his face (a big smile with widened eyes was his idea of dastardly), replied, "Well, let's put it this way, shall we? We shall, we shall… If I hadn't teleported you away from Wondy Woman, you could've received a lot more than just a slap. Kicks, uppercuts, low blows, yes, yesss…"
The words psychotically loony sociopath was being imprinted in Batman's mind.
"And don't you worry, Batty Watty, Batty Watty- that's funny, yessss…" Storyteller continued. "Robin has gone through a therapy session, yes he did…electric shocks, cuddling bunny Ravens, looking at photos of you getting smoochy with Wondy Woman and all that CRAZINESSSS…yes, yes, but he still says 'precious' from time to time though,"
Batman gave Storyteller a look that could chew nails, and said, "And let me guess? If I don't narrate this hair-balled, insanity filled act that you call a story, you'll blackmail me with pictures of my date with Wonder Woman, right?"
Storyteller was clapping his hands. "Yesss… yessss… very impressive… I particularly liked the photo of you and Wondy Woman licking ice-cream together… yessss…they don't call you the cookie crusader for nothing… I like cookies ya know, chocolate chips, vanilla pudding, yummy…YUMMYYY, yesss…"
"What? They do not call me the cookie crusader! They call me…" but before he could say 'cape-and-cowl crusader', he vanished with a flick of Storyteller's wand that appeared out of thin air.
Storyteller then turned to the television and magically created a bowl of fish-flavoured popcorn and a can of R/C Cola. "Let the story…begin!" There was a moment of pause. "Again!" he added.
Batman (narrator): Goodness! That nutcase could've at least changed the microphone! And I better remind Robin to buy some breath mints… While Raven, Starfire and Cyborg were on their way to the palace of Hopolus City, another pair of friends who lives in Hopolus Palace were busy sprucing up for the royal dance: Prince Robin of Bruce, WHAT?, and his loyal, yet idiotic cousin, Earl of B.B Shrek the 2nd? EARL? That means Beast Boy's the king's nephew! Oh…oh…no, please tell me there won't be another 'Shrek conspiracy'!
Prince Robin is the heir to the kingdom of Hopolus City. With his spiked hair, lean, yet muscular physique and his mysterious pair of sunglasses, those are glasses, he awkwardly resembles his own father, King Bruce. He does? I'll take that as a compliment, for now. However, as kingly as he may seem physically, he may only be crowned king when he is of age -18 years old- and has proclaimed a… fiancé? That is when the royal dance comes into play. Unfortunately, Robin's gift has left him being dumped more times than the Royal Advisor, himself, and his cousin B.B can remember.
When every royal child is born, they receive a gift from their Fairy-God-mother, father, uncle, aunt, cousin and friend. Unfortunately, Robin's Fairy-God Friend had a flue on that day, and misspelled the 'gift of solemn', (acting solemnly is a useful tool for a royalty, I guess), with the 'gift of Gollum'. Oh no…oh no… Ever since that unfortunate day,Robin has a constant tendency to say 'preciousss' at every sentence with an even bigger tendency to croak 'gollummm, gollummm' like a pathetically mutated toad. But the worst part of the gift was that he has to comment about how one looks with jewellery and other shiny accessories, in the worst, way, possible.
Robin's cousin on the other hand, has a very different, yet equally tragic-filled childhood. This should be interesting... While everyone in the royal family and court says that he was unfortunately gifted by his Fairy-Goduncle the 'gift of veggie-ness', his mother, sister-in-law to King Bruce, in fact, fell in love with a vegetarian ogre named Shrek, and they eloped? This will turn out weird. The result: one, very skinny, very vegetarian and very much humanitarian, half-ogre. The boy's green. His last name's Shrek. Shrek is included in Robin's 'Hate, hate, hate, kill, kill, kill' list in which he's written in his daily logbook. He hasn't even mangled him yet. I need an aspirin.
Batman (narrator): B.B was in Robin's bedroom sprucing up with him, What, because his own room was unfortunately covered with massive chunks of rotting gangrenous green meat. Oh…WHAT? Two screams were heard on the evening that the meat appeared in his room.
The first was a scream of fear and shock by B.B when his eyes set foot on his completely meat covered room; the second scream was also from the young Earl, but it was because of the four arrows that was sticking in his…behind, and the servants insisted that his scream perfectly resembles that of the high-pitched squawk of a plump, ready-to-be-cooked, Rose-belly chicken. His room was filled with rotting green meat… WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPT?
Batman (narrator): "I'm telling ya Rob! Someone's out to get me! They don't drop a ton of rotting green meat in your room unless if they're out to get you! Emphasis on the green, dude! My skin colour! It's a sign, Rob! It's a…" But before B.B could finish his sentence and his hairdo, Robin clamped his mouth shut with his gloved hand. He was wearing a suit and hat with matching gloves and an untied bowtie. That look is a throwback to the fifties. Why is he wearing something out of the fifties?
"B.B, for the last, hundredth, billionth, time, it was Garbage Day, precious. The catapult that fired all that meat accidentally miscalculated the garbage dump for your balcony, precious, it was all just a, rotten accident,"
B.B pried Robin's hand away from his mouth and said, "Dude, how anyone could have mistaken my balcony for a garbage dump? And why in the world would anyone throw their trash away with a catapult? Answer me that, precious," Hey. Why is Beast Boy wearing an Elvis style jumpsuit from the seventies? And I thought the Justice League has a bad sense of fashion…
Batman (narrator): Ignoring the fact that B.B just made fun of his gift, again, he coolly replied, "Precious, yet again, for the second, hundredth, billionth, time, your balcony is coincidentally right beside the dump, and it smells as bad as your balcony, by the way," B.B wasn't looking at him, "And the army is in need of catapult practice, and if I remembered well, precious, they were dead convinced your room was the, dump," Robin was already smiling with B.B the other way round.
B.B still wasn't satisfied with the evidence, and with pride in his tone, said, "Then explain the servants, or should I say, assassins, putting 4 nasty scar marks in my beautiful…" B.B's mouth was clamped yet again by Robin gloved hand. "Precious, I don't like the way you say… it, okay?" he said. "And for your desired answer, they've mistaken your scream for a high-pitched squawk of a plump, ready-to-be-cooked, Rose-belly chicken, precious, and so did the entire palace if you didn't know," Beast Boy screams like a chicken. The irony of it all.
Batman (narrator): Beast Boy pried Robin's hand away from his mouth, again. "Dude, how could an entire palace full of smarty-pants royalties mistook my screa… holler for a high pitched squawk of a fat, ready to be eaten… something, something…" B.B insisted while not realizing his hair was spiking up again.
Robin's eyes were rolling like bowling balls, "Benjamin Banner Shrek the 2nd," Robin said, that's his character's name? "When your scream woke me up during that night, the first thing that came into my mind was, 'dinner'," Before Beast Boy could do anything to stop Robin from smirking, the Prince's face suddenly turned sickly sour, and he started to grab his neck as if refusing to let whatever is coming out, to come out. He failed. "GOLLLUUM! GOLLLUUM!"
The great, courageous and gallant Batman was now quivering in his chair like a crippled Energizer bunny running on gasoline. …Happy…happy, thoughts, no Robin, no Robin… just happy, happy thoughts… kill Joker… kill Joker… kill Robin, no! Kill Rob…no! Kill Rob-Joke…NO! Kill Joke-Rob… AARGH!
"Sweet! 6 sentences, a new record!" said an unnecessarily excited B.B, "That's like less than 2 sentences before! Hey, you even barfed something up! You've only done that once with that cute Baudelaire chick! And she didn't even slap you after the way you cannoned at her dress with that cream pudd…" Once again, Robin's hand came flying at B.B's lips. While gargling like that takes a whole load of wind out of him, he still had the strength to shut his cousin up, but with support from the makeup table.
He was panting over the brief, yet disgustingly embarrassing ordeal. "First… of all, don't ever… remind me of Rosy Baudelaire," he said while panting heavily, " ever, precious…and she didn't even need to… to bother, her brother did though… secondly, precious, would you stop… getting constantly… overexcited over my, 'gollumming'… it's nothing to shout about, you knoooww…"
Robin took a breather. "And thirdly, what did I barf out this time, precious?" Did he say barf? As in, puke, vomit, disgusting residues of food left in the digestive system waiting to be dissolved? I think I'm going to be sic…ooom! Aah... AAH! Not my UNDERWEAR! Robin…
Batman (narrator): My beautiful, beautiful underwear… I-I mean, B.B looked at the object Robin… puked out, and hollered, "DUDE! I think that's a…a… durian seed. DUDE!" Robin looked down, and a hard, yellowish lump the size of Robin's fist came into his sight. Robin blinked, and then blinked again. B.B took a step back and another step back. "Dude, how did a whole durian seed –the size of your fist, by the way- landed in your stomach? How did it even passed through your THROAT, for that matter?" B.B nervously asked. There were times when, even these two oddball royalties freaked each other out.
Robin thought out loud for a moment, "Hmm. Let's see, precious. Umm…after working out in the gym while listening to my Michael Buble album, precious, I… I went down to the royally messy kitchen for a snack: durians," B.B shuddered. Durians are the only fruit that B.B dislikes, yet Robin has an unmistakable craving for them, so different. Yet so close. This should get ridiculous. "And, oh yeah, I must've gulped the durian down when the 'Royal Advisor' caught me snacking, precious," he explained with an emphasis on the Royal Advisor.
B.B's face turned from disgust to understanding. "Oh, okay, okay, I'll buy that, I guess. That guy can make anyone gulp, -anything down your throat-, in your case," he said. Have they even met the guy yet? B.B then posed in front of Robin. "Okay, Rob. How'd I look?" And he added when he saw the look on Robin's face. "Don't worry dude, I've plucked out all the shiny rhinestones, so keep your lousy comments to yourself, 'kay?"
Robin took a deep breath, scanned B.B from head to toe, and told him the verdict. "Well, precious, you better hike up that collar to hide that skinny neck of yours, and the shoes need polishing, your hair's spiking up again, and you look horrible in white," Whoa, fashion freak. My beautiful underwear…
Batman (narrator): B.B looked extremely taken back. "Dude, I told you to keep your lousy comments to yourself!"
Robin chuckled. "And I'd wish you'd keep that lousy look to yourself, precious," he said with that incredibly mocking smile of his. B.B opened his mouth to say something, but he's got nothing. He wasn't as good as Robin when it comes to comebacks… and small talks in general.
Then Robin suddenly opened his mouth to say, "By the way, that rhinestone belt makes you look like a gluttonous pig with gangrene, precious," A moment of pause suddenly befell upon them. "I DID IT AGAIN, PRECIOUS!" Robin shouted in despair.
He scuttled to his bedside and sulks, "I tried to ignore that stupid, shiny belt, but no… I'll never get over this curse, precious, never…" Gee, and I thought I was moody…I wonder if the detergent in the Batcave will clean this mess on my underwear, and it's starting to stink, of salmon? Oh, my date with Diana…and Robin thinks that I don't try getting a date? I am not that reclu…I am, aren't I? Wait, why am I talking to myself? Like apprentice, like mentor… Why isn't my one-liners as good as Robin's?
Batman (narrator): Feeling slightly guilty over his ignorance of not noticing his belt covered with sparkling rhinestones, B.B nervously walked over to the rather depressed Robin, gently placed his hand over his shoulder, and said, "Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, okay? It's not your fault that you have to mercilessly insult people wearing shiny objects…"
One look from Robin was all it took to make B.B quickly add, "My point is, Rob, nobody's perfect. Sure, some people got the looks, some people got the smarts, and some people got the attitude," His pointy ears were wiggling with the predictable mention of the word 'attitude'. Robin smiled a bit.
"Everyone's got their own freaky weaknesses, dude. For some, its zits, secrets, and stupidity; for me, and the only reason why it's stopping me from hitting it big with the ladies, is my green skin, unfortunately," B.B sighed. "And in your case, your deadpan mental resemblance with Gollum.
"Who knows? Maybe our 'gifts' are a blessing in disguise." B.B continued. Robin starts to frown again. "Don't give me that look, Robin, I mean it. Okay, so they have held us back for more than a few… hundred times, but that doesn't give us an excuse to give up, ya know? Like what Elvis says," His tone expertly changed from raspy teen to king of rock and roll, "If ya made a mistake, try, and try again. Now where my curly fries?"
Robin had to laugh. "B.B, you're a barrel of laughs you are, precious.And where'd you getso philosophically knowledgeable all the sudden?"
B.B's eyes were rolling. "What you just heard, might be philosophical I guess, but my 'nobody's perfect' speech, that wasn't knowledge. That was experience," Robin was very, very impressed. Perhaps he may have underestimated his goofball of a cousin for what he's really capable of, but he still thinks he's a goofball.
Robin checked his watch, and itindicated that it was close to 'show-time'. "Time to go, precious," Before B.B could straighten up his jumpsuit, Robin dragged him out of the room, into the hallway, and onward to the royal dance.
Robin was sitting on a chair looking beyond depressed, with bowls of eaten durian lying around him. Starfire walks up to him.
Star: Friend Robin, why do you seem so depressed? Is it still about the Syndrome of Gollum?
Rob: Yeah, partly, precious. But mostly because… because… I've tried so hard to get away from him, precious; I don't want to end up like him, but just one look at…him, and look at me now! A brooding, depressed vigilante with a bad fashion sense, and, oh yeah, Gollum Syndrome, precious. I'll never escape him, precious, never…
Star: Robin, do not utter those negative thoughts! Bat… your mentor never meant for it to be this way, and I am certain you will not end up like him, because you will have your friends to help you, and I am confident you will be parted from your Gollum Syndrome with our assistance; and as much you deny it, Robin, you truly are different from your mentor, and will always be. Do not give up, Robin.
Rob: (looks at Starfire) Tha-thanks Star. That really means a lot to me, I… I think I'm gonna cry…
Dis: WAAAH HAHAHAH! That was so BEAUTIFUL! WAAAH HAHAHAH! (Cries his eyes out)
Star and Rob now noticed Dis, Syani, Cy, Rae and B.B standing there.
Rob: Emm… how long were you guys standing there, precious?
Rae: Long enough to know that the two of you can audition for the remake of 'Forrest Gump". A box of chocolates included.
B.B: That was just SWEET! Why can't I get a relationship like that…?
Rae: What did you just said?
B.B: Nothin, nothin…
Dis: Okay, okay, let's pause the love scene for a while, okay? I've got an announcement to make. (clears throat) I'm gonna be in the next chapter! Acting, I mean.
Syani: WHAT! But what about me…
Dis: Well, you've gotta be a superhero first, then we'll talk…
Cy: Wait a nanosecond, dawg. You're saying you're a superhero?
Dis: Yep, okay, fellow readers, R&R please! And if you flame us for no good reason, go to hell! Or better yet, Raven's room!
Rae (and B.B); HEY!
