Chapter 5: 7 ways to tell if your neighbour is a werewolf.
(A/N: I did not come up with the 7 symptoms, I just found them on the net and thought they could be useful.)
Seeing James, Sirius and Peter in the library was something that rarely happened, especially if they were there at their own will and not because Remus had dragged them there.
Books layed everywhere on the table and the floor 'cause they were to lazy to put them back where they belonged.
"Here's something!" Peter exclaimed. Sirius and James threw away the books they had been browsing through aimlessly to check out Peter's book. James' book hit a vase.
"7 ways to tell if your neighbor is a werewolf." James read. "This could be very useful!"
"Does he smell like a mixture of stale hay and horse manure?" Sirius read. "Werewolves have extra glands that emit nasty smells."
"That would explain why he eats so much chocolate." said James thoughfully. "He tries to cover he's manure odour with chocolate breath."
Sirius nodded. "You might be right. But we really should check, just in case."
"And I felt lumps at the back of his neck!" said Peter.
James poked at Peter's cervical vertebra.
"You mean this?"
Peter layed a hand at his neck. "I'm a werewolf!"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Anyway, we really have more imprtant things to do!"
"Right." said James. "We must smell Remus!"
It wasn't hard to find Remus. He was very fond of his spot in the armchair by the openfire, this time reading a vampire novel by Anne Rice. As silent as possible, the trio sneeked up behind and tried to sniff him.
"What are you doing!" Remus jumped out of the chair.
"Nothing!" said James, trying to sound innocent.
"Were you trying to smell me?" Remus asked suspiciously.
"Nooo!" said Sirius, snorting at the mere though.
"We? Smell you? Don't be silly!" James assured Remus.
"Why would we wanna do that? You got some wild imagination there, Rem!" Sirius laughed.
"Agadoo-doo-doo push pineapple grind coffee..." Peter sang to the divert Remus' attention from the sniffing scene.
"To the left, to the right, jump up and down and to the knees..." James and Sirius joined in and they danced away.
"Come and dance every night, sing with the hula melody" and they disappeared from poor, confused Remus.
In Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. They didn't wanna be in the library, the most Remus attracting place at the whole school. And they didn't wanna be disturbed so this place was perfect.
"What does the book say next?" Sirius asked.
"Does he have eyebrows that meet in the middle of his forehead?" James read.
"No. But then, he could shave." said Sirius.
"Werewolves' arms, legs, and bodies are extremely hairy, especially the backs of their hands and the tops of their feet." James continued.
Sirius looked disgusted. "Does it say anything about when the werewolf is in it's human form?"
"If he was that hairy, we would have noticed." said Peter.
"Then again, he probably has a yearconsumption of Gilette razor blades hidden under his mattress." said Sirius"
"Fine, let's skip that one. Does a neighbor's child seem unusually attracted to little girls by the age of 7 or 8? Werewolves reach sexual maturity at that age -- five years ahead of normal humans." James read.
"What does that mean?" Peter asked.
"In other words, is he into little girls?" Sirius frowned. "Kowai, kowai!"
"Let's just ask him. But we must be tactful." said James.
Back in the commonroom. Remus was wearing a scarf, to avoid further sniff incidents. He was reading peacefully when James, Sirius and the ugliest little girl he had ever seen showed up before him.
"Peter? Why are you wearing a dress and a wig?" he asked, puzzled.
"This isn't Peter!" said James. "This is my little sister Dorothy."
"You like?" Sirius asked hopefully.
Remus was sure that he was just having a weird dream. "It's Peter, I can tell! In a dress and a goldylock wig for some reason."
"I told you it was a bad idea." Peter muttered. James nudged him.
"Shut up, Dorothy! Bad sister! Forgive her, Remus, for she's just 7 or 8."
"And quite a catch for such a young age, if I may say so!" Sirius said. "Very cute in his lace-adorned pink dress and blond curls. Did I just say his? I meant her!"
"I'm hallucinating this...I'm going to bed..." said Remus and got up.
"Oh no, he's leaving!" said James.
"Peter, do your thing!" Sirius mumbled to Peter.
"Do I have to?"
"Yes! Go"
Sirius gave Peter a nudge in Remus' direction.
Peter started headbanging awkwardly, ripped off his pink fluffy gown to reveal a red, glittery, tighter dress.
"Doctor doctor give me the news I've got a bad case of loving you no pill's gonna cure my ill I've got a bad case of looov-"
Slam. Remus had entered the dorm and closed the door behind him. Peter took off his wig.
"This was pointless."
"But it's his favourite song, it should have worked." said James.
Sirius looked as he wasn't ready to give up yet.
"There's still more in that book. What does it say next?"
"Um... Does he own large pets that often disappear and then are replaced by other large pets? Werewolves have enormous appetites and like to sink their fangs into large, fleshy animals. It would take 100 chickens a week, for example, to satisfy the average werewolf."
"He has that misbehaved rabbit..." Sirius thought. "Although, coming to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen it."
"Because he ate it! And...got a new rabbit." said James.
"100 chickens, how much is that in chocolatefrogs?" Peter asked.
"He probably replaces the raw meat with chocolate, 'cause he's vegetarian." said Sirius.
"He's vegetarian? Then he can't possibly be a werewlolf!" said James.
"Well...maybe he isn't a vegetarian." said Sirius.
"But you just said he was!"
"Well I don't actually know if he is. He just seem like the vegetarian type."
"Vegetarian type? How can a werewolf be the vegetarian type?"
"How should I know? It could be a protest thing. He refuses to eat meat to boycott he's werewolf thing, what do I know?"
"Nothing, obviously." James replied. "But how are we gonna test him if he likes fleshy animals?"
Sirius gazed at the far distance. "There is a way. It will be dangerous, but a risk I'm willing to take."
James and Sirius played wizard's chess'til Remus came down again.Lily was walking down the stairs from the girl's dorm.
"Hello, Evans!" Sirius greeted.
"What do you want from me?" Lily asked.
"Can't a friend just say hi to a friend? Hello, friend!"
"I'm leaving now-"
"No, you must come with me!" Sirius urged. "Remus wants to talk to you!"
Lily brightened up immediately. "Really? He said that? Where is he now? Is my hair ok? Do you think he'll notice the spot on my shirt?"
"Yes, yes, in the armchair by the fire, no, definetly." Sirius replied. "Now go! We don't wanna keep him waiting!"
Lily burst into a fit of giggles and had to finish it before she could go to Remus.
"Hi Remus!" she said, blushing.
"Hi. How can I help you?"
"Black told me you really wanted to talk to me!"
A few feet away.
"So what's the plan, Sirius?" James asked.
"Simply, if he'll sink his fangs in Evans, the large fleshy animal, he's a-"
Angrily, James wrestle down Sirius on the floor.
"She's not large and fleshy! Say it! Chubby, maybe..."
"Make me!"
James started to tickle Sirius.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA STOP IT HAHAHAHA PLEASE HAHAHACAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE HAHAHA"
"You know the magic words!" said James.
"HAHAHA SHE'S NOT LARGE AND FLESHY HAHAHAHA"
"Who isn't large and fleshy?" James asked, still tickling Sirius.
"HAHAHA EVANS HAHAHAHAHIHIHAHAH"
James stopped tickling Sirius.
"Honsetly James, I don't see why you care so much. It's like you have a crush on her."
"I don't have a crush on anyone!" James assured Sirius. "Pfft, girls, don't get 'em."
(A/N: ok, this chap was short and not as great as I remembered. But it was fun writing. More symptom testings coming up soon, the next part will be better than this one so keep reading!)
