Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except for those who are of my own creation.

Chapter Five: Beware of Drunk, Horny Men



"The room, Lady Jones," Jols told me, opening the door that led to Arthur's chambers. I glared at him and flipped him the bird. He smiled at me. The type of smile you give to other people's kids when they're bothering you. The 'I'll-tolerate-you-but-you-should-know-that-I-don't-like-you" smile.

"Your bath is drawn in the back. The clothes are laid out on the bed. Arthur will send for you nearing the evening," with that, he bowed, exited and closed the door behind him. I scowled at the door before turning my attention to the room of the famed King Arthur. Messy…but that's understandable

A small fire cackled in the fireplace, one of the few light sources in the room. Grabbing the articles of clothing on the bed which consisted of leggings, a tunic, a belt and what looked like a shirt with no collar, I carefully made my way into the back of the room where I discovered a smaller room with a large wooden tub that looked like it was made from cutting an unusually large barrel in half. I dipped a finger in to test the temperature and found, much to my pleasure, that the water was nice and warm. I quickly stripped off my coat and "hung it up" carelessly by flinging it to the side of the room. Next to go was my shirt, then pants, then underwear. The latter being hung with the clothing I was given.

Yes, I know it's dirty underwear but dirty underwear is better than no underwear am I right?

I made a mental note to ask about loincloths.

Once stripped, I slid into the large tub with a sigh. The water surrounded my aching joints and I smiled as sank into the water before surfacing again. I glanced around the tub for something that seemed familiar. A comb or soap or something.

The good news was that I found a comb.

The bad news was that I only found a comb.

But ah well, when in Rome right?

I snickered at the joke before I slapped myself into reality. That was a horrible joke.

I started to struggle with my hair with the comb. There were tangles and knots that were hard to pull apart. There was mud because of the fall, no thanks to Gawain. To my surprise, there were also remnants of grass. And yes, again, no thanks to Gawain.

Mental note to self, shove Gawain into a big pile of horse crap.

I soaked a little before I decided to get out of the tub. The water was quick to get cold and I'm quite certain that I looked better than I did an hour ago though that cannot be justified because of a lack of a mirror. However, judging from the color the water turned into, I didn't need a mirror to confirm that statement. A clean me is a happy me. I quickly dressed into the clothes Jols provided and thanked the stars that at least the clothes didn't smell like horse dung. So it was with a smile on my face that I exited dear Arthur's chambers. Of course, that smile was wiped off my face once I saw that Jols was standing outside the door.

That little man was really starting to scare me.

He bowed and as if sensing my discomfort, said, "I was told to wait on you Lady Jones." My right eye twitched but I drew in a deep breath and answered in a strained and polite manner, "there was no need to do so and it would be just lovely if you would refer to me as Jones instead of Lady Jones."

He bowed yet again, "But of course. Arthur also requests your presence." I gave Jols a look, "Do you happen to know what this is about?" He shook his head then started to walk away. Assuming he wanted me to follow him, I hurriedly bustled after him.

He has a nice butt though, I'll give him that.

No! Bad thought! Bad thought!

I rushed forward and fell in step with the squire on his right hand side. He gave me a queer look before he continued, leading me towards more hallways where the blazing torches chased away the shadows. To tell the truth, it wasn't because I wanted to be beside him that I rushed… I just rather not play that thought in my mind when the bait was shaking, I mean wiggling, I mean… You know what? Screw it.

"We're here," came the soft murmur of Jols. I gaped at him and pointed, slack-jawed, at the large towering doors we now stood in front of. He merely smiled a secret little smile which created an impulse in me to whack him before he opened the doors. Squires are evil.

"Jones!" came a burly voice before I was grabbed by the wrist and led to the most amazing room I have ever set eyes on. That's right. There's the round table in all its glory. I glanced at Bors who had my wrist in his hand and he had a grin the size of Canada plastered on his face.

"Wat'cha think?" he boomed and gestured to the room with a ridiculous wave of his hands. I bit my lip and raised an eyebrow. That eyebrow raised even higher when I saw him take a long drink from a golden goblet.

"He's drunk!" laughed another one of the knights from behind me, causing me to jump. I whirled around and saw a grinning Galahad, raising another golden goblet in toast before, like Bors, drank deeply from it. I shuddered and grimaced when he wiped his wine stained lips with the back of his hand.

"Are you all drunk?" I asked, frowning. I've had experience with drunk men before… They're entertaining… for the first fifteen minutes. Then they start to get grabby in the wrong places.

"Of course not! We've only started!" Lancelot laughed heartily before taking a long drink from his as well. Galahad laughed and grabbed me at my waist before he spun me around with a loud boisterous laugh, "Come, join us!" Except he slurred his words so it sounded a lot more like, "Karm, jaine usoooo". Or at least, something to effect. I disentangled myself from his arms, "Urm, yeah Darth Vader. No thanks. Where's Arthur?"

Galahad looked confused, "Darth Vader? I'm Galahad! Prettiest one of them all!" Upon saying this, he staggered, did something that vaguely resembled a ballerina twirling and took another drink. Of course, Lancelot quickly butted in with his own opinion on his boyish/girlish good looks.

"Yer all crazy. I'm the most beautiful of alla yous here," Bors interrupted the sissy match. The room broke out in loud guffaws of laughter and the knights began to wrestle. I rolled my eyes and sighed, "Anyone?"

"He's down that hallway," Dagonet, seemingly the only sane one in the room of drunks said, pointing out a small corridor off to the side. I noticed the large goblet in his hands.

Hmm…must be a sober drunk.

Stepping gingerly around the drunken knights, I thanked Dagonet with a forced smile before proceeding down the hallway cautiously. Hey, if these guys were drunk, there's no telling what condition Mr. King is going to be in.

Reaching the end of the dimly lit hallway, I glanced about for a doorknob of some kind only to find a rather grubby looking brass door knocker. Taking it, I knocked three times and waited for some sign of admittance. This came when the door creaked open. The noise sent shivers up and down my spine. It was just like a scene from a horror movie. Taking a deep breath, I stepped in.

Now I couldn't say which the worse choice was. The taking a deep breath or stepping into the room. (I was later to find out that the door was indeed unlocked) First off, the inhaling deeply in a place where there were no proper ventilation system and indoor plumbing, especially indoor plumbing, was a bad idea. The placed reeked… and reeked it did. Second mistake, when nobody answers the knocking, don't ever step in because they might not be aware of you …and they might be preoccupied.

In this situation, both was the case. The first thing I saw was a naked Arthur soaking in a wooden tub …with two rather attractive looking peasant women… bathing him. Now, under normal circumstances, I would've shielded my eyes, turned red and walked out the door with a squeaky, "sorry." But as we all know, this was not a "normal" situation. No, of course not.

I began choking on the arid air.

Yes… that's right. And guess how they noticed me.

Yeah… that's how. When you're interrupted by a choking girl that's incidentally dressed as a rather exotic looking page boy… you can't exactly ignore it.

So it was with a shout of surprise that Arthur stood up from the wooden tub and saluted me with a… well I won't go there.

"Jones!" he exclaimed in surprise. The two women shot me venomous looks for having interrupted their "fun" time. No doubt with Arthur as the rubber ducky. I was unconcerned with those two but at the sight of Arthur in all his … glory I began to sputter even more. I blushed, I flushed, I turned an interesting shade of red that I believe has yet to be found. I died of embarrassment. And all that while I was still choking and sputtering for air. Aren't I a productive one?

"Jones! GET OUT!" Arthur exclaimed before realizing his own undressed state and tried vainly to shield himself. At that moment, I became obedient… for just a few minutes as I dashed out the door and slammed it shut. Sinking to the floor outside the door, I managed to catch my breath. Then, after having reassembled my thoughts I began to howl with laughter as I stagger back to the table of drunken knights.

Needless to say, Dagonet gave me a rather interesting expression when I staggered out of the hallway. This merely sent me into new peals of laughter and I sank to the floor yet again, too exhausted and laughing too hard to do anything else. By the end of it all, my sides ached painfully and I swore one of my lungs collapsed.

A few minutes later, Arthur emerged from the hallway. He was hastily dressed, his hair was still wet and his face was flushed. When he turned and caught my eye, he turned a deeper shade of crimson and I grinned like a Cheshire cat. Noticing our exchange, Dagonet raised an eyebrow and stared at me before I shrugged and promised him a juicy tale later. Mr. King shot me a stern look before clearing his throat and addressing the now somewhat sober knights.

I shook my head in wonder and muttered to myself, "how do they sober up so quickly?"

Hearing my rather rhetoric question, Tristan leaned over and muttered, "respect." Dagonet's head bobbed in agreement. I rolled my eyes.

"Knights! Today we return safely."

Mr. King's companion nodded and murmured in agreement.

"Tonight! We shall feast."

Another round of murmured approval and small snickers. Lancelot answered with a joyous exclamation, "And feast we shall! On women flesh." The table broke into guffaws of laughter. I winced.

"Tomorrow! I shall meet you here and we shall discuss our last mission to Rome."

The table broke into loud cheers as Arthur grinned like a schoolboy and returned to the room from where he came from. Well, I suppose he's feasting on two tonight.

I shook my head. This was why he wanted me to stay and see? Loud, drunk and extremely horny men cheering and jumping around?

I snorted, "I'll take my chances with Jols. At least his own personality isn't a threat to my ears."

"Pardon?" Dagonet had heard my own self murmured thought. I turned pink, "nothing…nothing at all."

"Come on Jones! Tonight we celebrate!" Galahad exclaimed before latching onto my wrist and dragging me out of a door the rest of the knights exited. Not knowing my way around this place, I allowed myself to be dragged, carried, hassled, pushed, shoved and poked to the outside where many others were already in their own form of merrymaking. The cool night air that smelled of pleasant burnt wood and roast meat was a welcome to the dank and musty smell of inside. As the knights drank and contested between each other, I observed the whole community silently. I studied Gawain's and Tristan's contest of skill with a dagger on a wooden board and how Gawain fumed and went after Tristan like a dog while Tristan took in the barrage of contest in a strangely calm drunkenness. I noticed the lewd looks Lancelot shot Bors' wife and the hand that followed to her backside. I resisted the urge to nail him in the head with one of those funny looking metal mugs. I was so disturbed, I probably would've chucked a hefty sized rock from the ground if given the chance. I saw how Galahad flirted shamelessly with the other ladies…and how badly he was at the sport. I smiled at the way Bors handled his many children, giving each a piggy back ride on his shoulders as he carried them one by one back home and, I assumed, to bed. And, I watched Dagonet watching me. I raised an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

He shrugged and took a long drink from his goblet.

I coughed into my fist and folded my arms across my chest, "you're not much of a talker are you?"

He looked at me thoughtfully as if considering a challenge, "no… drink's good."

I smirked, "not a good conversationalist either huh?"

"The meat is good too."

"…you're not even listening to me are you?"

"Drink and meat are good."

"Can't you talk about anything else?"

He paused before he broke into a grin, "when drink and meat is good, life's good." With that, he walked away. I blinked.

"Well…that was an interesting little conversation," I muttered to no one in particular.

"Yes, he's an odd one but he has a good heart."

I jumped, startled out of my wits at the sudden intrusion. My eyes met the eyes of Bors wife, stunning for her age and for the time period they live in despite the tattered and dirty clothing.

She smiled, "Did I startle you?" I shook my head, suddenly a mute. Well at least Lancelot got taste in women.

She refilled a pitcher with mead from behind the makeshift countertop as she spoke to me, "I'm Vanora, Bors' wife. You must be Jones." She smiled at me, "Bors told me all about your condition. If you would like, I have a few dresses that I no longer fit. You could make use of those."

I shook my head and smiled, "no, it's perfectly alright. I much prefer this attire."

She looked me up and down and raised an eyebrow before shaking her head, "well whatever you wish. I must warn you however." She leaned forward to speak into my ear softly, "if you prefer a man's attire, you must thread carefully around the locals. Some do not think it right and will speak their mind quite vehemently through their actions…"

I understood her at once.

"I shall exercise the utmost caution."

At this, her face brightened and she smiled, "now, come! You must eat! You must be starving. I know the food's good and you must be hungry. Come Jones, come and join us."

And I did.

Of course, I wasn't stupid enough to drink what they gave me unless Vanora assured me it was only water. But other than that, I found myself agreeing to Dagonet's viewpoint. The roasted meat was extra delicious and juicy and the company was great. In his words, life was good.

After the night was done, I helped Dagonet and Tristan to drag their traveling companions back into their respectful beds. I don't think I've gotten more exercise than that one night. Bors was a pain in the rear end. Vanora had to assist us since we weren't taking him into the large building but back to his own family… who happened to live, rather inconveniently, about half a block away. Now half a block might not seem like much but when you're carrying a man like Bors, groping around in the dark and stumbling every few steps on another drunkard, it was more challenging that anything I could imagine.

At the end, Tristan bade us goodnight and left while Dagonet led me back into Arthur's bedroom that was to act like my quarters. I thanked him and bid him a goodnight as he left. Upon closing the door, I hopped onto the straw filled mattress and collapsed onto it, purely exhausted from the night's activities. Hauling drunk knights around was no fun. I stretched and sighed, content with my current situation. Even though Arthur's room smelled dank and musty, I grew used to it and welcomed the warmth of the dying fire. I sighed again, pulling up the blankets around me and rolled myself in it before snuggling into straw filled pillow. I murmured something incoherent, yawned and began to drift off to sleep. I could see fluffy white clouds and sheep greeting me just over the horizon…

When of all a sudden, my bliss was interrupted by a sudden scream and bolted out of bed, looking around wide eyed. A loud thumping noise followed soon after and I jumped out of bed and ran around, trying to find the cause of it.

Nothing. I settled back down on the bed and looked around with a frown.

"THUMP" the noise came again. I jumped.

"THUMP"

"THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP"

Then my ears caught a moaning sound from the right wall… which to my knowledge, was Lancelot's room. My eyes widened in realization as I heard a familiar male voice moan loudly.

With a frustrated yell, I buried my head under the pillow, "oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me."


End: Chapter Five

A/N: Dear Hermes, that took a long time to write. I swear, I think I'm growing senile at such a young age. That's bad. Very bad indeed. In any case, there ya go. Fifth chapter. It's taking them awfully long to get to the main action. I think I miss them Saxons. AP English is starting to get on my nerves. Blagh. Ah well… at least I got to read a knight related story. Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. That was fun. J Alright now all you go review now ya hear? scampers off

WarAdmiral: Huzzah! Another satisfied customer! Thanks for the compliments, my ego is well fed and very happy. If it could, it would kiss you.
Nini the Electrocuted Sheep: Long? Tsk tsk, mines a word longer than yours! So hah! Well from what I understand, all of the knights are shameless flirts. Haha. I liked the whole Galahad shaving legs thing too. I don't know if that's in the movie though… hmm… makes a mental note to watch it again Awww you like my humor? Most people say it's weird. Heh. I showed them!
Lindalee4: Yay! I aim to please.
Manic P: "small g" god status? What about now? Is it bigger now? waits
Arantxa: Yes ma'am! And there ya go.
Tool against injustice in the writer community: now THAT'S a long name. And I prefer the term Original Character. A mary-sue is only a mary-sue if the character seems too perfect to be true. Besides, this is more for humor purposes. I'm writing to make people laugh and I'm trying to make it as realistic and believable as possible. As for the "girl falls into movie thing is so old" comment, yes, I'm quite aware of that. I'm trying to place a new spin on it. The summary is meant to be written with a sarcastic tone. Please email me privately if you wish to discuss this further. I'll be glad to listen to your views on how and why you think my character is a mary sue. Thanks for taking the time to review!
BillieLiv: Done and done. :)
half-pint4: Huzzah! Another satisfied customer. :) I love writing self-insertions. I can be as sarcastic as I want.
Voided: I don't know about multiple fandoms. They're hard and confusing to write. For me anyways. Thanks for reviewing!
ScreamMyLungsOut: An ambulance? gasps I should put a warning label on this story!
SopherGopher: Oh tush, to each his/her own. Besides, I welcome constructive criticism. And as you can see, I haven't dropped the story… yet. XD Thanks for reviewing!
Pencil3: Heh. XD Thanks! I swear, Galahad shaving legs line is popular… hmm.. maybe TOO popular! I must make fun of someone else! Awwww… what if I killed of Lancelot in a funny way? Like… piano? Or Oh oh! Death by chickens!
Jennifer: Your wish is granted. There you go!
London Lorilie: Awww thanks. You make me feel all fuzzy and tingly inside. And that's EXACTLY what I'm aiming for. You've just summed it up so beautifully! wipes a tear away Thanks for reviewing! Means a lot coming from someone of your age and from one of the countries where English is THE language.
Manic P: No more? No… MORE MORE!