When Julia made it home, tears still pricked at the back of her eyes, as if just waiting for the right moment to fall freely down her cheek. She didn't get it, why was this so hard for her? Sure, she had expected to be a little upset, but the longing to take back the words she said just ate away at her heart.
She sat motionless in her car, feeling another set of tears forming without permission in her eyes. Guilt piled down onto her heart as she relived the scene of her telling Nick she didn't want to be with him. It wasn't just guilt that wrenched her heart unwillingly, but also the fact that she wasn't entirely sure she meant what she said.
Julia was sure that the heart-wrenching feeling she was getting was what she was supposed to feel after breaking up with someone and knowing she was breaking his heart, but somehow thought it was just a bit more. Why would she still be feeling as if what she did was a mistake if it really wasn't to begin with? Had she really fallen deeper into this love thing then she wanted?
After what seemed an eternity to her, Julia finally slid out of her car and walked toward her house. Landon was working at the hospital that day, so she didn't even have her father for comfort. All that she had to turn to was an empty house that now seemed to echo her every step and move.
When she reached her room, she dropped her purse on her bed and numbly walked toward her bathroom, searching for a tissue to help dry her tears. However she couldn't find what she was looking for in the dark and felt the side of the wall for the light switch. The light immediately burst brightly, nearly blinding Julia. Her focus remained off for a moment or two, blurry from the brightness of the bathroom light and the tears that still crowded her eyes, but when her focus came in clearly she saw herself staring back as she used to be.
It was the Julia she'd seen growing up, being the plain, smart, boring person she'd been her whole life. Sure she'd had friends that accepted her, even when she seemed too much of a bookworm know-it-all. Yet, even with Cassie she never felt like she could open up and be this part of her she never showed another; with the exception of Nick.
Even when she tried to deny what she saw in Nick, she knew exactly why she couldn't keep her mind off him. At first when they had met, she was her usual critical person, pulling back every bit of her to stay safe from the stranger. Yet, as time progressed, she noticed that it became easier for her to make jokes or tease or just full out saying what she wanted to say!
When she was in Nick's kitchen and they kissed for the first time, she didn't pull away, nor did she really want to, until she was terrified by herself. In a sense she had noticed throughout the last two to three weeks she felt free of the stress in school. Of course the only real time she felt like she was truly herself was the night before when she went on the most perfect first date she could ask for. Yet, even when she was hiding from him, just in that alone opened up a new side of her.
Her hair stuck to the side of her face from the wetness of her tears and her blue eyes glittered from the water within. Her lips looked drawn into a tight line, with a slight frown to them, her face in general looking just a bit too usual.
Frustrated she switched the light off and retreated back to her room, wiping her eyes once more to keep the tears from falling against her will. Her bed looked like the only comfort she could get, so she plopped on it and gathered her favorite stuffed dog and held it tightly into her arms.
As she lied motionless, she scanned her room looking at the cleanliness and feeling even emptier at seeing so much space. Everything seemed even stiller then she had seen it before, it was as if her breath was the only motion that floated within her room. With the exception of the small blinking light from the base on her phone, signaling she had a message.
A deep pang hit her deeply inside, it was from Nick, it had to of been from him. Slowly she rose from the bed and started walking toward her desk, coming upon her phone base, still gripping her stuffed dog. Four messages blinked out at her, which meant she had three possibilities of it being Nick.
She pushed the button, waiting for the messages to play:
"Hey, Julia, it's me Cassie. Just wanted to ask you how your date went last night and see if you feel like coming over to hang out later; okay, well I'll see you later, bye!"
Julia sighed and decided she would pass on the offer to go to her friends, knowing if Cassie found out about her and Nick she would undoubtedly give her some lecture.
"Julia, this is Landon," her father's voice came on next, "I'll be at the hospital late tonight, will you be alright by yourself? Call me if you need anything at all." He paused, "Well, I hope you had a good time with Nick today, I'll see you most likely tomorrow. I love you, bye."
Then, the third played loudly, and the voice made her heart pound and ache even more. "Julia—uh—hi, it's Nick. Look, I'm pretty sure you don't want to talk to me, and its obvious you aren't really intending on seeing me again." He paused, and Julia heard him breathing hard on the other line, hiding some emotion. "I at least want to be your friend if you can't allow more. You're the most amazing girl I have ever met, your intelligent, fun, loving, and so much more. I would hate to lose you as a friend, and even through friends perhaps we can get to know one another better then we already know.—Beep!"
Julia sighed, hating herself for ever limiting the message minutes, and realized there was the one last message she hadn't checked and knew it was a continuation of his first, she played it.
"Sorry, I'll just hurry up and finish. I don't want to end the truth game with you, because," Julia gave a small smile toward the sound of his voice rising slightly; "you technically gave an answer, which according to the rules, still leaves you in the game. Well, please call me, and tell me what you think of still being friends." He took another short pause then added briefly, "Stay beautiful."
Julia almost felt another set of tears rising behind her eyes, but blinked them back knowing if she starting crying again they wouldn't stop. And once more the sight of her usual self in her bathroom mirror stared back at her, and she reheard the end of his message telling her to stay beautiful.
:::::::::
"Good morning," Landon called over a newspaper when he heard Julia come in. She only groaned in response, "Sleep well?"
"No!" she said, searching through the pantry for something she could eat for breakfast, eventually deciding on a bagel. Landon put down his paper and eyed her a moment, looking straight through her.
"Anything you want to talk about?" he questioned, but Julia just shook her head, and walked out of the kitchen.
"Sorry dad, but this time you can't help me."
::::::::::::::
"Julia," Cassie greeted, "Where's Nick?"
"Oh," Julia distantly looked the other way, not sure how her friend would react to the news, and not wanting to draw a scene. "It didn't work --," she suddenly paused, feeling a fresh set of tears building in her eyes. Not now, not now! She thought frantically, wiping her eyes. "We just didn't work out."
"Oh," Cassie nodded, "Nothing works out with you, does it?"
The words cut her deeply, what could that have meant?? "Cassie, what do you mean?" Her friend stood and pondered on the question, standing in a thinking position with her arms crossed defiantly.
"I mean, you deny yourself happiness." Without another word Cassie walked off, leaving Julia feeling even worse then ever.
A/N ok.. I know this is a short chapter... and I'm really sorry it took me so long t update... but lately I've been having writer's blocks.. so I can't write my ideas down like I want too. Anyways... I'll try to have a new update soon. But thx for ur patience
