AUTHOR'S NOTES: The inscription on the Ringtone was typed in Wingdings, which I don't think will show up here. This chapter has a reputation as one of the most boring in the book, but we tried to spice it up a little.

THE LORD OF THE RINGTONES: THE ECOMMUNITY OF THE RINGTONE – CHAPTER TWO – MEMORY FRAGMENTS OF THE PAST

The buzz going around Hobbiton was now even greater than before. Now 12 IM conversations were going on at once, and phone bills were up 15%. Some blamed Bilbo for the event, but most believed it was Gandalf's fault.

"The old wizard has brainwashed that poor little hobbit," proclaimed Magnolia Boffin, the Shire's psychiatrist. "If Gandalf would leave Frodo alone, perhaps the boy would grow some hobbit-sense." Many agreed, but there were those who dissented, saying, "Frodo's only just come of age. There's something wrong with a hobbit that has hobbit-sense at thirty-three years old."

Gandalf did not return for quite some time, and Frodo did grow some hobbit-sense. He also began to show Bilbo's leanings towards weirdness. Magnolia referred to it as "Grayhame's Syndrome." Frodo never went into mourning, and the next year he even threw a party for his uncle, even though the guest of honor was nowhere to be found. When asked, "Where is he?" Frodo just shrugged.

After awhile, the Shirefolk got used to a party every year. The rumors circulated by word of mouth, email, IM, text messaging, and DirectConnect, but none were proven either false or true.

After many years—seventeen to be exact—Gandalf reappeared. He came without warning, right as rumors were reaching their ultimate high. The wizard simply appeared one night as Frodo was IMing his cousin Merry. Merry had a terrible propensity for starting rumors, but insisted he had nothing to do with the latest one, which was that Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor, was regaining power.

FrodoofBagEnd: Merry, I don't even know who Sauron is. Is this another one of your rumors?

mischievousmerry11: no frodo its not i heard it from pip.

FrodoofBagEnd: Gotta consider the source.

Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Frodo's Nextel DirectConnect sounded. He leaned over the desk to pick it up and saw "Gandalf DC" on the ID screen.

"Gandalf!" Frodo yelped out loud, hitting the PTT. "Oh, Gandalf, is it really you?"

The Nextel bleep preceded Gandalf's reply: "Indeed it is. I have been knocking on your door for the past five minutes, and if you don't answer I shall drive my Hummer right through the door into your hole and out the hill!"

A ping from the computer made Frodo look up.

mischievousmerry11: Frodo r u there?

Bleep! "Frodo?"

"I'm coming!" Frodo assured Gandalf. "Half a moment." He hurriedly typed into the computer:

FrodoofBagEnd: Merry I need to go.

Without waiting for his cousin's response, Frodo bounded up from the computer and yanked the door open. "Gandalf!" He exulted, embracing the old wizard.

"You look the same as ever!" Gandalf exclaimed, putting Frodo down.

"I could say the same of you," Frodo said. "What brings you here?"

Gandalf's demeanor suddenly switched from jubilant to urgent. "The Ringtone. Where is it?"

"I don't know," Frodo said. "Good golly, Gandalf, it's been almost twenty years! I'd nearly forgotten about it."

Gandalf grabbed Frodo's shoulders. "You must find it!"

Mercy me! Frodo thought. He's gone mad! "Why? What's so important about it?"

"Find it!" Gandalf bellowed.

Now thoroughly confused, Frodo launched a search for the Ringtone and wondered when Magnolia would be free so he could schedule an appointment for Gandalf. The wizard looked like he definitely needed it. The Ringtone was far easier to find than expected. It was hidden under the radiator by Frodo's computer. "Here!" The hobbit tossed the phone to Gandalf.

Gandalf took it and strode into the kitchen, where he tossed it into a sinkful of hot water. "What are you doing?!" Frodo exclaimed. "You'll ruin it!"

"If that is so, then this is not the Ringtone I think it is." He pulled it out, dried it off, and handed it to Frodo. "What do you see?"

Frodo turned the phone over in his hand. "A gold cell phone," he responded.

"Open it," Gandalf instructed.

Frodo obeyed. On the inside of the Ringtone was a screen with resolution that made HDTV look like a child's crayon drawing. There were crimson markings against an ebony background:



"There's some kind of markings," Frodo said. "I can't read it."

"Not many people can," Gandalf said. "It is the language of Mordor."

"Ah, figures," Frodo said. "I flunked that in high school."

Gandalf smacked him upside the head. "You fool! This is a serious matter! It translates to:

One Ringtone to rule them all, One Ringtone to find them. One Ringtone to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Gandalf took a deep breath. "This is the Master-Ringtone, the One Ringtone to rule them all. This is the One Ringtone the Dark Lord Sauron lost many years ago, to the great lessening of his-and its-power." He leaned closer to Frodo. "But he must not get it!"

"This little thing?" Frodo looked down at the Ringtone he held. It made a sound; Deedeedee dee deedeedee dee deedeedee dee deeeeee. "How did it come to me?"

"Ah." Gandalf said, dropping onto Frodo's couch. "That is a very long story, and if I were to tell you all of it we'd be here forever. It started in the Dark Ages.

"Once upon a time there lived the Dark Lord Sauron. The rumor Merry shared with you is true: Sauron has indeed regained much of his former power. Currently, he is holed up in the great iPod of Mordor, and day by day he is becoming stronger. He wishes to take over Middle-Earth, but only lacks one thing." Gandalf's eyes drifted toward the Ringtone.

Frodo's blue eyes widened innocently. "The women's vote?"

Gandalf scowled. "No, you schmuck! The One Ringtone."

"This One Ringtone?" Frodo yelped. "How do you know it's this One Ringtone? Aren't there other One Ringtones it could be?"

Gandalf was now feeling more than a little annoyed. "If there was more than one, it wouldn't be the One Ringtone, would it? Let me continue:

"A long time ago in Eregion, many Ringtones were made by the Elves. Some were more powerful than others. Those just rang like normal phones. But there were others that had special sounds, and they were powerful. Some of the Ringtones had a special effect. Their sounds were such that the wielder could annoy any person into submission. Three Ringtones were given to the Elves. Those sounded like the 1812 overture. The seven for the Dwarves say, 'hey! Somebody answer the phone!' The nine for mortal men play Sing, Sing, Sing.

"Sauron made the One Ringtone. It is the Master-Ringtone; without it the others are null and void. Mortal men are power-hungry, so the Nine ensnared them and they became corrupted. They are Tonewraiths now. That means they are Sauron's servants. They haven't been around much lately, but as the Master's power grows, they may begin to ride again. Sauron does not know where the Seven and the Nine are. The Seven were hidden, and the Nine...well, I'm sure it will make the email rounds soon enough. It doesn't matter to him where they are anymore. All he needs is the One." Gandalf's eyes were now fixed on the Ringtone. "He is seeking it," the wizard murmured, more to himself than Frodo. "All his thought is bent on it."

Frodo was now totally lost. "So...how was the Ringtone taken from Sauron if he is so powerful?" He asked. "Or did he just lose it?"

"No, it was taken," Gandalf said. "That's another story: Back before the Elves got soft, their desire to defeat the Dark Lord was greater. The men of Westernesse jumped on the bandwagon, and they sent the Dark Lord out feet first. Everyone wants to claim the credit, but it was actually Gil-galad the Elven-King and Elendil of Westernesse. Then Isildur, Elendil's son, cut the Ringtone off Sauron's belt and in the process severed the belt itself. While the Dark Lord was distracted trying to pull his pants back on, Isildur escaped with the Ringtone to destroy it. Unfortunately, Isildur's childhood struggle with ADD came back to haunt him, and the Ringtone was dropped into the River Anduin."

"Why haven't I heard about this?" Frodo asked.

"Revisionist history," Gandalf answered. "Actually, that's not fair. You've never heard about it because the Ringtone passed out of all knowledge."

"How did Bilbo get it?" Frodo asked. It was just one of many questions racing around his mind.

"Another long story." Gandalf reclined on the couch and smoked his pipe. "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..."

"I think that's the wrong story," Frodo cut in.

"Oh!" Gandalf corrected himself. "Right you are." He cleared his throat. "A long time ago on the banks of the Great River on the edge of Westerland lived a hobbitlike folk. Two of these were Smeagol and Deagol. They were brothers, and out in their backyard swimming one day to celebrate Smeagol's birthday. They saw the Ringtone at the bottom of their pool."

"How did it get there?" Frodo asked.

"They got their water from the fire department, and you never know what you'll find in there," Gandalf responded. "Anyway, to make a long story short, they fought over the Ringtone. Eventually, Smeagol drowned Deagol and made off with the Ringtone."

"Smeagol?" Frodo gasped. "I know who he is now! I saw him on The Shire's Most Wanted."

"Yes," Gandalf nodded. "Thanks to the water, there were no fingerprints. But given that Smeagol was the only one there, it seems unlikely anyone else would have done it. The Ringtone poisoned Gollum's mind. He became unrecognizable and was referred to as 'Gollum' because when he coughed, he made an awful gollum noise in his throat.

"Gollum had a nasty habit of speaking to the Ringtone. He called it his 'preciousssss.'

"You say 'did.'" Frodo pointed out. "Is he dead?"

"No one knows," Gandalf said.

"You still have not said how Bilbo got it," Frodo said.

"Your uncle met Gollum on one of his journeys and unwittingly acquired the Ringtone," Gandalf said simply.

"How icky!" Frodo gasped.

"Yes, it is quite the sob story," Gandalf agreed.

"I can't believe Gollum used to be a hobbit, no matter how loosely the term is applied," Frodo said with no small amount of venom. "How atrocious!"

"Sometimes the truth is atrocious," Gandalf said.

"I find it hard to believe Gollum gave up the Ringtone, if it was that precious to him," Frodo said. "Did Bilbo take it from him?"

"Neither," Gandalf said. "Ringtones of Power have their own will. The Ringtone left Gollum. It wanted to go back to Sauron, but your uncle threw a monkey wrench into those plans when he found it. He didn't know what it was at the time and tried to call home on it. And that's how the Ringtone came to you."

"It must be destroyed!" Frodo yelped. He bounded into the bathroom and held the Ringtone over the toilet.

"Try!" Gandalf challenged. "Go ahead!"

Frodo froze, the Ringtone held in front of his face. How could I destroy this? He thought. The Ringtone was such beautiful, lustrous, iridescent gold. Destroying it would be awful! Almost without realizing it, Frodo lowered the Ringtone.

Gandalf laughed grimly. "You see? The Ringtone is already starting to work on you, Frodo. And even if you had destroyed it, it wouldn't have done any good. The Ringtone was made in the boiling waters of Mount Doom in Mordor, and only there can it be unmade."

"Mordor?!" Frodo gasped. "I cannot go there! We'll just hide the Ringtone!" He began looking around frantically.

"The Ringtone cannot be hidden," Gandalf said gravely. "Remember the Tonewraiths?"

"Yeah, some Disney movie about a football team," Frodo said distractedly, still looking for a remote nook or cranny to hide the Ringtone in.

Gandalf made Frodo look at him. "That's Remember the Titans!" He corrected. "The Tonewraiths will come looking for the Ringtone if you hide it. They will find it and kill the Tonebearer."

"Even if I put it in Fatty Bolger's car?" Frodo asked. Fredegar "Fatty" Bolger was a renowned packrat and longtime patient of Magnolia Boffin's.

"Even there." Gandalf nodded.

"How about if I ship it there by FedEx Next Day Air?" Frodo asked.

"No." Gandalf shook his head, gray beard swinging. "The Enemy would get his hands on it that way."

The hobbit held the Ringtone out. "Then you can take it!"

"No!" Gandalf insisted. "I can't!"

"Gandalf, I'm giving it to you!" Frodo thrust the Ringtone closer to Gandalf.

The wizard shook his head. "Don't tempt me, Frodo!" He gasped. "Please understand, I would use this Ringtone to do good, but through me it would work such evils as you cannot imagine! It ,must be destroyed!"

"But that would mean taking it to Mount Doom!" Frodo squeaked. "I can't do that!" He looked pleadingly at Gandalf. "You are wise and powerful. Can't you please take it?"

"That is the very reason I can't take it," Gandalf said. "I will help you bear the burden, so long as it is yours to bear. You must leave the Shire and go to Mount Doom."

"Alone?" Frodo yelped.

"No," Gandalf said. "You may choose a companion, but be careful! Leave the name Baggins behind you; go as Mr. Overtheriver-Andthroughthewoods. Be careful what you say, even to your closest friends! The Enemy has spies everywhere."

A sudden clatter sounded from the computer room. Gandalf and Frodo both jumped. Had someone been listening? "I'll handle this," Gandalf whispered to the frightened hobbit.

The sorcerer tiptoed into the computer room and saw one Samwise Gamgee huddled under the desk with the motherboard to Frodo's computer in his hand.

"Samwise Gamgee!" Gandalf bellowed, hauling the auburn-haired hobbit up by his ear. "What are you doing?"

"J-just fixin' Mr. Frodo's computer!" Sam sputtered.

"A bit late to be fiddling with Mr. Frodo's motherboard, don't you think?" Gandalf implored.

"Well, I'm a night person," Sam tried to defend himself.

"Have you been eavesdropping?" Gandalf demanded.

"No, sir, I ain't been droppin' no eaves!" Sam insisted. "I was just fixin' things and I couldn't help overhearin'-"

"What did you hear?" Gandalf grabbed Sam by his other ear. "Speak!"

"Nothing important!" Sam yipped. "Well, I hear about Ringtones, and Darth Vader or something that sounded like that, and hot water and the end of the world. But that's it!"

Satisfied, Gandalf set the repairman down. "You heard Mr. Frodo is going away?"

"Yes, sir," Sam stammered. "That's why I dropped everything. I was so upset!" He looked at Frodo. "Why must you go?"

"Because I have to," Frodo said sadly.

Gandalf leaned down toward Sam. "Master Gamgee, what do you have in your PDA for the upcoming months?"

Sam's eyes widened. "Nothing too pressing, sir."

The wizard smiled. "Good. You shall be Mr. Frodo's companion on his journey!"

Sam looked from Gandalf to Frodo. "Me, sir? Go with Mr. Frodo? Surely you can't be serious!"

Gandalf scowled. "I am serious," he said. "And don't call me Shirley!"

"Well...would I get to see the Elves?" Sam asked timidly.

Gandalf nodded.

"Yeehaw!" Sam whooped, jumping up in the air. Then he started to cry.