THE LORD OF THE RINGTONES: THE ECOMMUNITY OF THE RINGTONE – CHAPTER EIGHT – FOGGY MOUNTAIN BREAKDOWN

That night, the hobbits heard strange sounds, or so they thought. Perhaps it came from Christine the Chrysler Crossfire. It sounded like doors locking and unlocking. Everyone was nervous (especially Sam), but no one said anything.

The hobbits awoke at six in the morning and ate breakfast, during which they discussed the fate of Tom Bom.

"Whitegrape shot him," Sam stated somberly.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Pippin quipped, reaching for the bacon.

"You think he's†dead?" Merry asked with raised eyebrows.

"Well, I don't think Whitegrape wants him around anymore." Frodo took a bite out of his bagel.

Pippin took out his calculator. "I calculate a 98.4 chance that Tom Bom kicked it."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you throw that at the Tonewraith?"

Pippin shook his head. "I carry extras."

"Now that's just sick," Frodo announced.

"Perhaps," Pippin conceded. "But it's handy."


Having finished the first breakfast, the hobbits piled into Christine the Chrysler Crossfire (with Frodo driving this time) and began the long, harrowing trek up Foggy Mountain.

"Are we there yet?" Pippin demanded.

"Pippin" Merry said wearily.

"I have to go to the bathroom!" Pippin whined.

"Pip, do you see all of these rest areas around here?" Sam asked.

Pippin peered out the windows. "No."

"That's because there aren't any!!" San exclaimed in exasperation.

"But I really have to go!" Pippin's whining went up a notch.

"Pip—" Frodo started, headed towards anger.

Suddenly, Christine the Chrysler Crossfire screeched to a halt.

"What's happening?" Sam asked just as the car started sliding back down the mountain.

"AaAaAaAaAaAaAaA!!!"

Frodo stomped on the brakes repeatedly to no avail. Finally, he pulled the emergency brake, and the car slowed to a halt.

"I told you not to trust cars named Christine!" Sam announced.

"I still have to go to the bathroom!" Pippin said.

While the hobbits were groaning at Pippin, Christine was sneakily shifting the parking brake. Within seconds, she had careened down a side road. Frodo tried to pull the parking brake again, but, try as he might, he couldn't get it to budge.

"AaAaAaAaAaAaAaA!!!"

"We're all gonna die!" Merry screeched.

"I WANT MY MOMMYYYY!!!" Pippin yelled

"Mr. Frodo? I would like to tell you that I love you," Sam admitted.

"WHAT??" Frodo turned around with eyes ablaze.

"Dearly, not queerly, I mean," he added honestly.

Suddenly, Christine the Chrysler Crossfire screeched to a halt. Unfortunately for everyone, there was a tree between them and their potential stopping point which was too stupid to get out of the way of a speeding possessed car. It was now rather inconveniently located between the two front wheels of what had once been Whitegrape's car.

"Man," Merry commented. "That's twice in two days."

"Is that a record?" Pippin asked.

"Well" Merry stated. He never finished. He wanted a chance to drive his own cars on occasion, so he didn't want Frodo to know that it was actually number thirty-seven on his list. It was his first possessed car, however.

The four compatriots stood looking dismally at their wreck.

"Well, now what?" Sam asked.

"There's a rental place somewhere around here," Merry said, a mischievous glint lighting his eye.

"Yes, you would know," Frodo muttered.

Merry looked hurt, so Sam quickly intervened. "Where?"

"Over the mountain," Merry announced, seemingly getting over his offence.

Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin looked up at the mountain towering over them. "Oy," They said in unison.


Three hot, sweaty, and breathless hours later, the hobbits reached Apples & Oranges Rent-a-Car.

"Do they have lemons, too?" Pippin wanted to know.

"Shh!" Merry hissed. "Don't say that!"

They went inside and spoke to a salesman who, after a background check and license Xerox of Frodo, gave them the keys to a neon yellow Ford Focus.

"It's an atrocity to cars everywhere!" Pippin exclaimed as Frodo signed the last of the paperwork.

Merry scrunched up his face, peering in the car window at the fish-oil-tablet yellow upholstery. "Ugh. I won't even try to take a shot at this one," he muttered.

"And what does that mean?" Sam pressed.

"What does what mean?" Merry exclaimed, looking around to make sure no one else heard. "I didn't say anything."

Sam just shook his head.

The hobbits piled into the Focus and drove off to Rivendell. "What's our next stop?" Pippin wanted to know.

"The Holiday Inn Express," Frodo stuck the key in the ignition. "In Bree."

"How far away is it?" Pippin demanded.

Frodo started the car. "We'll be there around seven. Why?"

"Because I need the bathroom!"

All three looked at there littlest compadre. "PIPPIN!"