Chapter 41 – Escape To The Beginning
It was early in the morning and Ritsuko stood behind Maya's station on the bridge watching her kouhai work. Currently the two of them were alone, running a computer simulation of the salvage operation which was to take place the next day, a full six days ahead of schedule. It wasn't as early as she or had hoped for but it was still a good sign. That said, she was only comfortable going ahead with it if the simulated run was a success.
"Everything looks to be running as it should," Maya stated. "No signs of destrudo detected. The Magi show a three percent margin of error given the input parameters. We should be able to run the program successfully tomorrow."
Ritsuko folded her arms across her chest. "The Magi can only generate an approximation of the pilot's brain waves, the real thing might not be this simple," she replied. "That three percent margin of error might as well be fifty..."
"Still, it's amazing that you managed to code and prepare this operation and get it done ahead of schedule to boot," Maya returned, looking over at her with a cheerful grin. "You really are a genius, senpai!"
Ritsuko's pensive frown deepened. "Well... I had a bit of help," she replied. "This kind of thing was attempted once before. The original code was mostly written by my mother. Thankfully even after all these years since she's been gone I can still pick her brain..."
The look on Maya's face shifted from jovial to one of nervous curiosity. "Wait, did you say this operation was attempted once before?"
"Yes," Ritsuko replied flatly, turning her attention back to the numbers and graphs on the station's display screen. "Once, during the days when NERV was still GEHIRN."
"What was the result?" Maya asked, apprehension evident in her tone.
"They failed..." Ritsuko stated softly.
The gravity of those words hung heavy in the room and there was a pause before Maya mustered a reply. "So... I guess it's a good thing that we're running this simulation before the real thing tomorrow," she stated. "It would be awful if Shinji-kun were lost forever. I'm pretty sure Major Katsuragi would be devastated..."
Indeed Misato would, everyone would be, but Rei would be effected probably the most out of anyone. She could only imagine how despairing the blue haired girl would be if the one person she trusted and cared for more than anyone else were gone for good... "Precisely," Ritsuko replied. "And I won't be satisfied until that error margin is under one percent. I'm not about to fail where my mother did..."
"You really shouldn't compare yourself to her," Maya stated quietly, turning back to face her console. "I mean, I never met her, but you shouldn't let her legacy weigh on you so much..."
Ritsuko sighed. Perhaps she'd let too much slip with that last comment. Then again, she'd worked with Maya long enough that she'd probably picked up on some of her insecurities by now. "Maybe you're right, but I can't help it," she replied. "Half the systems we use here were designed by her, not least of which the Magi themselves."
"I guess so, but everyone builds upon the works of others in order to improve upon them, right?" Maya replied. "You shouldn't let that weigh you down, senpai."
Ritsuko smiled at that comment. That cheerful attitude was one of the reasons she always enjoyed working with the younger technician. "Yeah, I suppose you're right about that," she returned warmly. "Thanks Maya."
Maya nodded, her grin widening. "You're welcome, senpai," she replied.
"Still, we can't afford to fail," Ritsuko continued, her tone becoming serious once more. "Failing to recover Shinji would leave us in dire straits, especially with Units 00 and 02 still being repaired. So we're going to keep running this simulation."
Maya turned back to the console. "Understood. Beginning simulation from the beginning," she stated.
"I see that you're making the final preparations," a low baritone voice sounding in the room, causing Ritsuko to jolt. "Are you confident of the operation's success?"
Ritsuko turned around to find Gendo standing a few meters away, his hands in his pockets and a somewhat nervous expression on his face. The only reason she could sense his apprehension was the fact that he wasn't wearing those orange glasses of his. Instead he was wearing clear ones which allowed her to see his deep brown eyes... It crossed her mind that this was the first time she'd spoken to him in person since the incident some weeks ago when he was inebriated. She wasn't sure how she felt about that as there were many things left ambiguous in the few times they'd spoken on the phone since the incident, but she supposed he'd sought her out here because of that. He was always a man on calculated caution... of course he would come out of his seclusion only when something serious was about to occur. "For the most part, yes," she replied. "Though the Magi are showing a three percent margin for error. We're currently working to reduce this to under one percent."
"I see," Gendo replied, his expression unchanged. "That's good. What are the odds of success overall?"
"I'd give it an eighty percent chance," Ritsuko stated evenly. "However, that margin is based on the pilot's psycho-graph readings from before the incident with Unit 03. We're currently attempting to account for that."
"I see..." Gendo returned, dipping his head slightly, a slight frown appearing on his face. "Considering the fact that he resigned from NERV due to mental stress regarding that incident I would imagine you have a lot to account for."
Ritsuko's lips parted. Was that actual concern in his voice? Since when did he display outward concern for anyone? This was quite interesting... "Indeed we do," she replied. "But I'm confident that we'll manage."
Gendo's lips curved upwards ever so slightly and the light in his eyes seemed a little less cold that it had a moment before. "I am confident as well," he returned. "If there is anyone who can succeed in this venture it is you."
Ritsuko felt a warmth in her cheeks at those words. "Th- thank you, sir," she replied softly.
Gendo nodded. "Very well. I shall leave you to it," he stated before turning on his heel and making his way to the exit.
Ritsuko watched him the entire way off of the bridge and silence hung heavy in the room for a moment after the door closed behind him. It was subtle but he'd definitely undergone some kind of change. Perhaps Rei was right to be optimistic when she'd revealed that he'd given away the power to end the world. No... things were definitely different with him but the question was what? What had changed with him? What had caused him to actually, genuinely, abandon his schemes? More importantly... she wanted to know the real Gendo Ikari...
"That was strange..." Maya stated softly, breaking the silence.
Ritsuko turned to her young assistant with a lopsided grin. "I guess so, yeah..." she replied.
The bewildered look on the young lieutenant's face would have been amusing in any other situation. "Seriously, he's kinda creepy when he's trying to be nice..." she murmured.
Ritsuko said nothing and glanced back at the door Gendo had left through. Even though it was an amusing comment she couldn't help but disagree...
Kaworu stood on the school roof beside Soryu during lunch hour, staring out at the view of the hills in the distance, an occurrence that by now had become routine. The mood in the air was tense and he somewhat understood why considering the things he'd learned in the last few days. It had been just over a week since he'd arrived in Tokyo 3 and much had changed in that amount of time...
About the only thing that was the same as when he arrived was that Ayanami still wished to keep him at arms length, which was understandable considering their history with one another, and in the general context of the world they originally inhabited. Soryu on the other hand he'd been speaking with pretty much every day since he'd started going to school and by now he very much considered her a friend. He would admit that at first it had been a friendship of convenience but quickly that had shifted into genuine connection as she'd opened up to him. Their relationship had truly been the complete opposite of how his relationship with Shinji had been in his past life. She was always the one to lead and he was always the one to stand and listen. That had allowed him to learn quite a bit about her in a very short time.
Of course he knew from her files both publicly available and only privy to NERV and SEELE the story of her mother's accident, but that hadn't come up in conversation. Instead, he'd learned all sorts of little things about her. He'd learned her preferences for clothing, how driven she was to succeed, all sorts of stories about growing up bouncing between Germany and the United States, about her friends, and how she'd dedicated her life to piloting the Eva. It was fascinating, getting to know the inner world of another person in a way that he'd never thought to be possible. It made him realize that what he'd truly done wrong with Shinji in his past life was that he'd never really tried to listen to him, or been good enough at getting him to talk, or perhaps a mixture of both.
Speaking of Shinji, Asuka had also explained to him what the real situation was regarding his absence from school. Apparently due to some strange happening regarding abnormally high synchronization with Unit 01 he'd been reduced to LCL inside the plug. He vaguely recalled being informed of such an event in his previous life but he wasn't quite sure if it was a case of what many people call deja vu. Either way, he was somewhat anxious to finally meet him again for a multitude of reasons, not least of which to reckon with his past feelings for him. It was something that actually made him a bit nervous. He didn't want to hurt him again, just like he truly didn't want to hurt Soryu, or Ayanami for that matter. Being human was certainly a trial...
The only thing he could do was try and make idle conversation to ease his mind and perhaps the mind of the girl next to him. He'd discovered that was a good tool for pushing the errant thoughts and existential dread into the background. He remembered that Soryu had mentioned once or twice that she enjoyed some activity called video games that she'd indulge in with Ayanami. Perhaps that would be a good topic of conversation. "So have you been playing any new games with Ayanami?" he inquired.
Soryu shook her head. "No," she replied with a frown. "She hasn't been over much in the last week."
Kaworu's brow furrowed at the statement. This was already going poorly. "Why is that?" he asked. "I thought that the two of you did that rather often?"
Soryu sighed. "Yeah... the last couple days she's been even more sullen and withdrawn than she usually is," she huffed. "It's probably because of what's coming up at NERV."
"You mean the procedure involving the Third Child?" he inquired.
"Yeah, the operation to bring Shinji back is tomorrow..." Soryu muttered softly, folding her arms on the railing and resting her chin atop them. "If it goes well he should be back in school soon..."
Something about the way she said that peaked his curiosity "That's a good thing and yet you seem depressed about it," he replied. "Why?"
Soryu exhaled sharply, causing her bangs to jump off her forehead momentarily. "It is but... the two of us weren't on the best of terms when he got sucked into Unit 01," she replied. "I still can't believe he came back after that huge fuss he made... but he did..."
Kaworu's brow knit up. Soryu had alluded to the fact that Shinji had resigned as a pilot shortly before the battle with the latest Angel only to return to his post shortly afterward and defeat him... "Again, you sound bitter about something. Does it upset you that he returned after quitting NERV?" he pressed, hoping she would explain a bit more. At the very least it would give more insight into human emotion... or at least into Soryu.
Soryu screwed up her face and looked at him with a flustered look. "Well, yeah! He comes back to save the day like some Hollywood action star when it should have been me to get the kill!" she exclaimed before calming down, turning fully away from the scenery and resting her back against the rail with her arms folded, her gaze fixed on the concrete beneath her feet. "Not to mention the fact that he left in the first place was an asshole move. It really upset everyone, especially Rei..."
She was such a prideful person, of course she wanted to be the hero but it was understandable considering how much she'd given herself to piloting. Still, the part of her statement that interested him most with the closing words. It was a most peculiar statement. "I can understand that it would upset everyone but why would it upset Ayanami-san more than others?" he inquired.
Soryu glanced at him and shook her head with a bitter laugh. "Isn't it obvious?" she muttered. "She's in love with him..."
Kaworu's lips curved downward when she said that. Yes... that made sense. Ayanami loved Shinji... but it was curious. What was the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone? It was a distinction that puzzled him. It made him wonder if his own feelings for Shinji, or at least the Shinji he knew in his past life, were the former or that latter. "Pardon me for asking but... what exactly does it mean to be in love?" he inquired softly.
Soryu turned her head with a slackened jaw and a raised eyebrow. "You're serious?" she asked incredulously.
He nodded. "I'm not the greatest when it comes to emotional intelligence," he replied.
Soryu laughed. It sounded like she was laughing at his expense at first but after a moment it sounded almost melancholic, if that was the right word for it. She sighed and looked up at the sky. "I suppose it means that when feel that way about someone you want to spend all your time with them," she stated quietly. "It means you accept them for who they are... It means you want to have all of them to yourself and if you can't have them you don't want to see them at all. You want to hold that person tight and not let them go... They make your heart beat faster when they're around and being near them is enough to make you happy and drive you crazy in equal measure... and you'd do anything to make that person happy."
Those words took a moment to process. That description was very similar to what he'd felt for Shinji at a few points but... not quite. He'd never been driven to madness by his presence, but then again, those driven mad supposedly can't perceive that they've gone crazy... Still, that last statement was contrary to his experience. The thing he'd most wanted from Shinji was to be liked himself, Shinji's happiness had come secondary. He'd been alone, friendless, link-less... but now he'd made friends with Soryu. Would his feelings for Shinji remain as they were when he say him again? It was a question he couldn't answer... "I see... thank you for your insight," he replied.
Soryu looked at him again, a faint pink tint appearing on her cheeks, something he didn't understand. "Glad I could help," she returned. "But why do you ask? It's kinda weird..."
Now it was his turn to glance up at the sky, his frown deepening. "Perspective," he replied quietly. "Your words... they might help me understand how I felt about someone once... in another life, away from here..."
Silence hung in the air for a moment before Soryu spoke again. "You really are strange, you know that?" she murmured quietly.
The edge of his mouth twitched upward at that comment. Somehow he knew she'd say something like that. "So you've told me many times by now," Kaworu replied.
"But it's the good kind of strange," she continued. "I don't mind it..."
The makings of a grin evaporated and his lips curved down into a deep scowl. Considering what he was and what he'd most likely still have to do, he didn't deserve any affection, friendship, or love from anyone... even if he very much enjoyed it. "I'm glad..." he returned.
Soryu sighed once again. "So yeah... once he's back she's gonna want to spend all her time with him," she huffed. "So no more nights playing video games together..."
Kaworu nodded. "I could imagine that would be frustrating," he replied.
Soryu scoffed. "Yeah, what's frustrating is that he feels the same way about her as she feels about him but he's too stupid to see it," she practically spat.
This was quite an unexpected revelation. Something about the idea of Shinji developing feelings for Ayanami stirred unpleasant, bitter, and guilty feelings within him. It was entirely possible that in the world he'd come from that he'd felt such things for her then. That could explain why he'd rebuffed him as much as anything else... "He does?" Kaworu asked.
Soryu snorted. "Yeah. He does," she huffed, the frustration in her voice rising in intensity with every word. "And yet he won't say anything to her, even though it so damned obvious that she wants to ride his baloney pony! Both of them are just such idiots!"
Kaworu cocked his head to the side. This was not a term he'd heard before. What did a horse made of deli meat have to do with this conversation and why did Ayanami want to ride one? Oh... meat... a euphemism for male genitalia... "That is a term for a penis I have never heard before..." he murmured softly.
Soryu looked at him with wide eyes for a moment before grabbing her sides and nearly falling over from guffaws. "Oh my god!" she wheezed. "You should see the look on your face!"
Kaworu's puzzled expression melted away, edging into the hint of a warm smile. She really had a pleasant laugh even if often times now it was directed at his expense in some shape or form. He knew he should be feeling guilty for imposing upon her life but moments like this, this feeling of acceptance... he didn't want to lose it.
"So... have you thought of a new plan yet?" Fuyutsuki asked. "Or fleshed out any of the ideas you may have had for us going forward?"
Gendo didn't bother turning to face the older man and continued staring out the window of his office from where he stood, his frown deepening. Despite his efforts to think of a concrete plan for the time still remaining it seemed like there were nothing but closed doors in the paths ahead... "I haven't," he replied coolly.
"Do you mean to tell me that you've run out of schemes?" Fuyutsuki pressed. "That's unlike you, Ikari."
Gendo's lip curled. Indeed it was unlike him but considering how late in the game it was when he decided to alter his plans it was difficult to choose a proper course of action. The only thing he knew for certain was that he needed to somehow siphon funds from whatever departments could discreetly be cut back and funnel that money into the geofront defenses. That said, it was easier said than done. If the old men got even the slightest wind of what he now desired they'd bring everything they could against him without delay. The best thing to do would be simply wait for their next move and counter it accordingly. Perhaps an opportunity would arise... "I know..." he grumbled in response.
Fuyutsuki let out a low hum. "The committee will surely make some kind of move once the salvage operation is performed tomorrow," he stated quietly. "And speaking of that, have you thought about what you'll say to your son should everything go to plan?"
Gendo folded his arms and looked down at his feet. Indeed this had been something that had been occupying his thoughts more and more as the operation drew closer. He knew that when they met again, should things go to plan, that it would most likely stir unpleasant emotions in both of them. Between his own re-contextualization of his actions toward the boy and Shinji's burdens caused by piloting the Eva the gulf between the two of them would most likely be wider than ever. He knew that he needed to be open, honest, grateful to his son for returning to fight when he had no obligation to, but he also knew that it was very possible that any attempt to reconcile would be rebuffed. He would deserve that refutation all things considered... but it was still something he knew he had to attempt despite the difficulty. Shinji deserved to know that he was... proud of him. "The prospect is one I've thought about, yes..." he muttered.
"I can understand if that has made it difficult to focus on planning," Fuyutsuki stated. "There's no shame in that."
"It has, and I know that," Gendo grumbled in response, lifting his gaze out to the placid lake in the middle of the geofront. "In regards to the old men, I think it best to wait until they make a move and counter it accordingly."
"Sensible," Fuyutsuki returned. "But risky. How do we know that the next blockade they erect for us will be insurmountable?"
Gendo scowled once again. "We don't..." he growled under his breath. "That is what troubles me..."
"I suppose all we can do presently is hope that Dr. Akagi is successful in her efforts," Fuyutsuki replied quietly.
"Yes," Gendo returned. "That it would seem..."
Night was falling, and Kaji sat at the small desk in his flat, looking over the numerous files he'd collected regarding SEELE's intentions and the history of NERV and its predecessor organization GEHIRN. The conversation he'd had with Fujita the previous week continued to plague his mind, specifically the aspects concerning Misato...
Since that conversation he'd experimented with potential ways that he could inform her of the truth insofar as he'd uncovered it. At first he'd thought of emailing her the files discreetly but the risk of the email being traced even if he sent it via proxy was too great. He'd thought of leaving the files at her doorstep but that would have been discovered via section two even quicker. Indeed... the only way to let her know was to deliver the files to her in person. They still weren't all that close, even if they'd begun dating again so he'd have to wait for the opportune moment to act. Hopefully that would come soon enough... as he knew his usefulness was waning for both NERV and SEELE...
It was then, amid this air of introspection he'd settled into, that his cell phone rang. He answered after the second ring. "Kaji speaking," he said as he put the receiver to his ear.
"Hi... Ryouji..." Misato's voice emanated from the speaker against his ear. "How are you?"
He couldn't help but smile hearing the vulnerability in her voice. It had been quite a while since he'd heard her speak to him with such a tone. "Well enough, Katsuragi," he replied. "And you?"
Misato sighed heavily. "I'm worried..." she murmured. "I'm worried about what's about to happen tomorrow..."
Kaji frowned at that statement. It hurt to hear her sounding this way, so wracked with anxiety and fear... "Understandable," he replied. "It's not an easy operation that Ritsuko's undertaking from what I understand."
Misato chuckled wryly. "You've got that right..." she muttered. "I just... it would be nice if it was already over with..."
He certainly understood where she was coming from. Part of him wanted for things to just be over with in regards to his investigation and playing the role of a triple agent... "Understandable," he returned softly. "All things considered..."
There was a pause before she spoke again. "I miss you..." she murmured quietly.
Kaji's heart skipped a beat. Even after all the time that they'd known one another hearing her say something like that never ceased to fill him with joy... and at the same time guilt. He never deserved happiness... what was the point in embracing it now? "I miss you too..." he returned just above a whisper.
"I know you have a lot of things going on that you can't talk to me about..." she continued. "But... I hope you're doing okay..."
His eyes began to sting. What did he do to deserve this woman's affections? "I am," he replied. "You're probably dealing with more difficult things than I am."
Misato let out a little laugh, one that may have sounded light and happy if the situation wasn't so cold and dire. "You really have a way with words, Ryouji..." she murmured softly.
He couldn't help but smile. "I guess I do sometimes," he replied. "That may be my specialty, wouldn't you say?" Even now he couldn't shed that macho bravado he'd crafted for himself... that alone made him feel guilty...
"Perhaps," she returned with a childish giggle before shifting into a more serious tone. "That smooth talk is what pulled me to you in the first place after all..."
He smiled and leaned back in his chair, fumbling with the pack of cigarettes that lay on his desk. "If only that was enough to make you stick around..." he drawled in response, unable to keep the pain surrounding their college breakup out of his voice.
"And yet I came back, didn't I?" she replied softly. "Doesn't that count for something?"
His smile widened. "Yes, I suppose so," he returned warmly.
Misato sighed. "Once this is all over with tomorrow... won't you come see me?" she asked. "It's been a while..."
Once again his heart skipped a beat but he wouldn't let that cloud his judgment. After all, he had a mission to accomplish, even if that mission involved the only woman he'd ever loved. If he went to see her he'd have to keep his mind on his task as hard as that would be. Then again... it would be as simple as handing her a thumb drive behind closed doors so where was the risk? "Are you sure that's for the best?" he inquired cautiously.
"Yes," Misato returned just above a whisper. "I want to see you... Ryouji... It's been too long..."
"Alright," he replied. "I'll meet you at your place."
No..." Misato responded. "I don't think Asuka would like that. Let's meet somewhere else."
"Then where do you have in mind?" he inquired. A public place was certainly risky, section two agents would no doubt be tailing them the entire time that they were out considering his current status around NERV. That would make things quite difficult... "There's always that hotel bar we went to after the wedding a few months back, right?"
"A hotel would be nice... just not the bar," she returned quietly.
His eyes widened just a little bit. Now he understood what she was getting at... "Ah," he returned, a little bit of a grin slipping on to his lips. So she finally wanted to take that step again... "I see... very well, I'll book a room somewhere. Just don't stand me up, okay?"
"I won't," she replied with a little laugh. "I can promise you that..."
His smile widened. He could sense that she was telling the truth, he knew her well enough to know. "See you then... Misato," he returned warmly.
"See you then, Ryouji..." Misato replied before hanging up the phone.
Kaji took the phone away from his ear and sighed, letting in rest on the desk beside his laptop. Though he still didn't have the entire truth this was going to be perhaps the only chance he'd get to let her in on how deep the rabbit hole truly went. He grabbed an empty thumb drive, inserted it into the port on the side of his laptop, and began moving files...
Rei walked beside Asuka on the way home from school. Kaworu had already gone his separate way, something she was quite glad about. Even though she'd been getting used to him being around and his friendship with Asuka she still preferred to avoid him when possible. She was cordial with him when they had to speak but usually she tried to keep him at a distance, something that was more and more difficult as Asuka spent more time with him. Thankfully he'd left and she could finally talk with her friend alone. Considering how nervous she was about what tomorrow had in store, spending some time with Asuka was much needed. "Hey..." she spoke, breaking the silence.
Asuka glanced at her with a frustrated expression. "What?" she responded
Rei looked down at the sidewalk, her brow knitting up. Asuka sounded annoyed about something but she couldn't place why or what. Still... if her friend was in a negative mood then it would be rude to lay her worries upon her. "Never mind..." she murmured in reply.
Asuka snorted. "You're worried about tomorrow, aren't you?" she returned, more a statement than a question.
Rei nodded, thoughts and images of the salvage failing whirling through her mind. Since Asuka was asking then it was okay to talk about her fears... right? "I am..." she replied honestly. "I cannot stop thinking about everything that could go wrong..."
Asuka's expression turned bitter before she let out a sigh. "You shouldn't be worried," she grumbled. "Shinji has a knack for inexplicably doing the impossible at every turn. He'll be back with no problems, guarantee it..."
Rei breathed deeply and let it out, trying her best to relax. "I hope you're right..." she murmured.
Asuka huffed and dipped her chin. "I hope I am too... for your sake at least," she replied "Tell you what though, it's gonna be strange seeing him again after how we left off..."
Rei frowned nervously. She knew that Asuka had said some unkind words to him when he'd decided to quit piloting and leave Tokyo 3 before the last Angel had shown up. Hopefully that hostility wouldn't linger once Shinji was back... if he came back. "Are you going to come to headquarters tomorrow?" she asked. It would be nice if she did, the support was something she would much appreciate... "Will you... be there for the procedure?"
Asuka shook her head. "No," she replied. "I'd rather not be there for it. I'd just get in the way of you two..."
She let those words sink in. "Alright..." she replied.
"Do you think he'll stick around afterward?" Asuka asked. "I mean... do you think he'll keep piloting?"
Rei bit the inside of her lip. The very thought of him leaving again churned her stomach and filled her heart with sorrow. "I hope so..." she replied just above a whisper.
The two of them kept walking in silence until they finally reached Misato's apartment complex. Asuka turned to her at the gates at the edge of the parking lot in front of the building. "Hey... do you want to come up and play some games for a while?" she asked. "It's been a while..."
Rei nodded. It had indeed been almost a week since the two of them had spent time together outside of school. She usually found it a good distraction from all the fear and loathing and sadness... why would now be any different? Considering how much anxiety she'd been experiencing and was currently still experiencing she could use a good distraction before facing down the uncertainty of the next days events... "Sure," she replied. "I would like that quite a bit..."
Asuka tilted her head in the direction of the building, her lip twitching upward ever so slightly. "Well let's go then," she returned. "It's not like we have all evening, right?"
Rei understood the attempt at humor and a subtle smile appeared on her own lips. As far apart as the two of them had seemingly drifted they still retained a friendship despite how tenuous it seemed at times. "Right," she replied warmly. "It isn't like we have all evening."
Once more she fell in step beside Asuka and followed her to the elevator that took them up to Misato's floor. "Hey... do you think things will ever go back to the way they used to be?" Asuka asked as the two of them neared the door.
That was a very loaded question but Rei was relatively certain of the answer. "I don't know..." she replied quietly. "It would be nice if they did..."
But they wouldn't be... and she had a feeling that both of them knew that even if it went unsaid.
Ritsuko hadn't gotten much sleep before going into NERV, the stress of the coming operation was weighing heavy. It was still very early and so she was alone on the bridge, looking through the last few edits to the programming that herself and Maya had made the previous day. It had taken most of the day but they'd managed to get the various margins for error to around one point one percent. It wasn't as low as she'd hoped but it would have to do. Getting Shinji back and returning to combat operational status was worth the risk. Of course, Units 00 and 02 were still a week or so out from being fully repaired but having Shinji back would certainly be a step in the right direction, especially with more Angels looming large. The fact that they'd managed not to incur an attack from one while they were completely depleted was truly a miracle...
"Are things ready to proceed?" a deep baritone voice she recognized instantly rang out behind her.
She turned around to find Gendo standing there by the entrance to the command deck with a pensive frown on his lips. Right now they were alone. Something about being alone with him made her heart skip a beat in spite of what had happened in his quarters... or perhaps because of it. "Yes," she replied with a nod. "Everything is ready to proceed as planned."
Gendo nodded back. "Very good," he returned, his lip twitching upward slightly. "I have nothing but confidence in you as I stated yesterday."
Ritsuko sighed. "Much of my success depends on the pilot himself," she stated honestly. "That human element is one that we can't escape."
Instantly that slight, charming smile that Gendo wore dissipated and was replaced with a deep frown. "And Shinji has many reasons he'd wish to remain where he is..." he muttered softly, bowing his head slightly and folding his arms across his chest. "We're lucky that he even chose to return and pilot the Eva after dispatching the Thirteenth Angel..."
Ritsuko's lips parted in surprise. This was very unlike the cold, apathetic, and driven Gendo she'd grown so used to. Perhaps his change of heart was really genuine... "I don't think I've ever heard you speak so candidly, Commander," she replied.
Gendo glanced at her over his glasses before returning his gaze to the floor. "I'm simply speaking the truth," he returned. "No more or less."
Ritsuko nodded and rested against the central console before reaching into her lab coat and retrieving her cigarettes. This was quite the emotionally loaded conversation. A bit of nicotine would help ease her nerves... "I appreciate it," she replied as the brought a smoke to her lips and lit it. "I'm glad you understand the variables of the operation."
Gendo lifted his chin and stared at her, his eyes boring into hers. "I do understand," he stated firmly. "But you and your talents have never let us down before. I don't believe that will start now."
So flattering... but she wouldn't let that get to her, at least not yet. "I'm glad you have confidence in me," she returned, taking a puff off her cigarette. "Thanks..."
Gendo nodded. "Very well," he stated, walking to the small lift that led to the upper command deck of the bridge complex. "I'll leave things to you..."
Ritsuko's eyes widened slightly. This was certainly different. From what she'd seen first hand from Rei's memory files and from what the girl had told her herself, Gendo had not attended the salvage operation... "Are you going to stay and witness the operation, sir?" she inquired, calling out to him.
He glanced at her over his shoulder. "Yes," he replied quietly. "It is my son that this operation concerns... it is only right..."
Ritsuko stood where she was, the cigarette smoldering between her lips, her harsh expression softening into a warm smile as she watched him ascend the lift. Perhaps he really had changed. It stirred feelings in her chest that she hadn't felt in quite some time... but she couldn't let those cloud her judgment. She had to succeed, for everyone's sake.
She took a final puff of her smoke and snubbed it in the ashtray she'd brought with her from her office, sitting down at Maya's station before beginning to boot up the programs. Only a few more hours and it would all be over for better or for worse...
The day had finally arrived... the salvage operation that Ritsuko had planned to salvage Shinji was minutes away from being executed. Misato stood a few paces away from her estranged friend as the faux blonde scientist continuously directed the technicians to make the final adjustments to parameters she didn't understand. What she did understand was that the air of tension on the bridge at present was thick enough one could cut it with a knife...
"All of the probes have been inserted," One of the techs stationed in the Eva cage reported over the intercom above the bridge.
"Electromagnetic radius is fixed at zero minus three," another of the bay technical staff sounded off.
"Ego-border pulse connection is complete," Lt. Ibuki stated.
"Roger that," Ritsuko replied to the young lieutenant's statement. "Proceed with physical salvage of the Third Child."
"Initiating program, transmitting first signal," Hyuga responded, throwing a few switches on his console.
"Signal received, no rejection," Lt. Aoba replied coolly.
Misato's frown deepened and she dug her fingernails into the sleeves of her jacket. The seconds were ticking by so slowly. Maybe she was being impatient but after he'd been gone for nearly a month she just wanted things to be back to normal already, to have Shinji back in her life... not to mention it was torture to sit and wait and do nothing while everyone else did their part to bring him back. It was times like this that she envied and admired Ritsuko in equal measure. She'd definitely owe her a bit of slack if things went successfully.
"Proceed to send the second and third signals," Lt. Ibuki stated.
"Preliminary readings of the subject are normal," a male technician stationed in the cages called out over the intercom.
"No signs of destrudo detected," a female technical officer spoke over the same intercom.
Ritsuko leaned forward and keyed the radio to the cages. "Affirmative," she responded. "Proceed to phase two of the operation."
Misato stared at the graphs fluctuating on the central display as the operation continued. "Come on, Shinji..." she spoke just above a whisper.
Rei stood on the walkway directly in front of Unit 01's exposed core, listening to the radio chatter being broadcast over the overhead intercom system. The first time that she'd stood and watched the salvage operation to bring Shinji back she'd been on one of the upper catwalks with a distant view of the proceedings. This time she was going to make sure to be front and center. She didn't care if it raised questions or whispers in the halls of NERV. She wanted to be the first one to see him if everything went like it did before. The operation was already underway and her heart was thumping in her chest and her blood pulsing in her ears as wave after wave of emotion crashed over her.
She'd waited anxiously for this moment for almost a month, hoping and worrying in equal measure about the outcome of the event at hand. She'd thought long and hard about what she would say to him when she saw him again. As much as she hated to admit it, part of her wanted to admonish him, tell him how much it had hurt to watch him walk away when he'd quit NERV, how worried she'd been thinking that he might be lost forever, how full of despair she'd been thinking she might never see him again. Mostly though... she wanted to hold his hand again. No... no... she wanted more than that. She wanted to embrace him. She wanted to grab him and hold on to him, never let him go, tell him that she missed him, that she never wanted to be apart from him...
She wanted to kiss him... she wanted to tell him that she loved him...
Rei closed her eyes and breathed a heavy sigh, bringing her hands to her chest to steady her heartbeat. No... those last few things were things she couldn't do. Even if it was somewhat socially acceptable for them to... have that kind of relationship, it wasn't something she could allow herself. If she were to allow that to happen and Shinji were to find out about what she was and who she was made in part from he'd surely be disgusted. No, she couldn't risk that as much as she wanted to, and she really wanted to... but being near him again should be enough to satisfy, right?
...right?
No... the thought of one day watching him drift away, seeing him with someone else in a romantic sense made her feel so cold. She had to be honest with him and explain her feelings and her origins. Yes... she had to be honest with him even if the thought terrified her. It could very well ruin things between them but she had to try and hope that she was wrong, that he might be shocked in the initial but he'd still accept her. It was such a heart wrenching debate she was having in her mind... wanting more from him and knowing that could push him away forever.
"Phase two of operation commencing," the voice of some anonymous technician sounded overhead.
"Ego borderline remaining stable," another called out.
"Roger, keep pressing forward..." Ritsuko's voice rang nervously overhead.
Right now all of those feelings and worries didn't matter. Right now all that mattered was him returning from the void of nonexistence. Anything that came after that came secondary. In the initial, should everything go as it should, simply seeing him again and holding his hand, enjoying his smile... that would be enough... for now. She knew that so many things would be different when he came back but at least those things would remain the same.
Rei clasped her hand together and brought them to her chest to further steady herself. "Please..." she whispered aloud. "Please come back to me... Shinji..."
Shinji opened his eyes, his awareness beginning to manifest after who knew how much time had passed. The image ahead of him was one that seemed so familiar but also alien. It was the entry plug of Unit 01, an empty shirt and pair of pants floating in the LCL. Yes... he'd been stuck in there, living there and not living at all. Faintly, as if far off in the distance he could hear the voices of Misato, Ritsuko, Asuka, Touji, Kensuke, his father, and Rei all calling to him, speaking his name over and over again. A steady rhythm of Shinji, Shinji-kun, Pilot Ikari, Third Child, and other variations on that theme...
"They want you to return," that comforting disembodied voice he'd known since being trapped in this place spoke within his mind. "They want you to return to life outside..."
The thought was unsettling, one that filled him with anxiety and fear and regret. If he returned then he would have to face everyone again and live with the consequences of everything he'd done as a pilot. "Why?" he murmured. "I'll just make a mess of things again... eventually they'll just grow to hate me..."
The scene of the entry plug swirled like a vortex, changing to a vision of a green field with a large oak tree at the center. Beneath it was a small table and a pair of chairs one of which was occupied by a woman with bobbed brown hair. Shinji closed his eyes and felt the wind on his face, the warmth of the sunlight, and the feel of the earth beneath his bare feet. Yes... this was paradise, what the Christians might call Eden... He opened his eyes and walked slowly toward this idyllic vision. He knew it wasn't real but he just didn't care. Soon enough he stood across from the woman but for some strange reason her face was a blur even though he was standing right across from her
"If you want, you can stay," the woman spoke soothingly. "You can stay here in this place of bliss... with me... my son..."
That was right... he'd come to understand that his mother was trapped within the Eva just like him. That was why he'd always felt warm and protected when he synchronized... The thought of staying in this illusion was certainly appealing. He was tired and ashamed, completely burnt out from the visions he'd been experiencing ever since the fight with the last Angel when he'd returned to NERV. This place was so peaceful and calm... and this woman seemed so familiar... "Is it okay for me to be here?" he asked quietly, bowing his head.
"Of course, Shinji," his mother replied. "Of course you're welcome in this place, this world without pain or fear... This is a place where only the heart and mind exist... where you'll never be hurt again."
It was so alluring, the idea of never feeling pain again. He'd been hurt enough and he'd caused enough hurt. Why should he go back? He didn't have much reason to other than his friends, people that would inevitably abandon him... but... that was real and they made him happy... what was the right choice?
He cupped his head in his hands and closed his eyes. "What should I do?" he asked.
"What does your heart tell you?" his mother asked.
Shinji frowned. "I've done so much for everyone and all I've ever gotten was pain... all I ever caused them in the long run was pain... I don't like it..." he whimpered. "No one understands me. I just want to run away from it all... I want to give in..."
"Then what are your hands for?" his mother pressed.
Shinji pulled his hands away from his face and looked down at his hands. Hands... they were tools for enacting his will upon the world... but whenever he used them all he did was create more problems and get himself into situations he didn't understand. Then again that was because... "I don't understand myself," he replied. "So... what's the point in trying to understand others?"
"Then what are you alive for?" his mother pressed.
Shinji looked at her, still unable to fully make out her face even though they were so close. "I thought that piloting the Eva was my reason to live but all it did was cause me suffering," he returned.
"Do you need a reason to live in order to keep living?" she inquired.
Shinji's mouth fell open as those words rang in his ears and resonated through his soul. How did one live without a reason to live? Weren't people alive to fulfill a purpose even that purpose was set by themselves? Wasn't that why people had dreams and aspirations, strove for greater things? What his mother was suggesting shook him to his core. The concept of living just for the sake of living felt so alien...
An alarm began to sound on the bridge with a deafening pulse and Ritsuko's jaw fell open in horror at the sight of the readings on the central display. After all of her careful planning and correcting of her mother's original source code this was still the result. She didn't want to accept it but the writing was on the wall...
"It's no good!" Maya shouted. "The pilot's ego-borderline is frozen into a fixed loop!"
She grit her teeth. No! She wouldn't accept this! There had to be more that she could do! There was no way that she was going to let everyone down now, not when it was something this important at stake! "Try to alter the wave patterns in any direction! We need to break through!" she shouted, trying her best to keep the desperation out of her voice but that command was all she could think of, even if it would barely buy them time.
"No effect!" Maya shouted back. "I don't understand! The signal isn't getting through!"
Ritsuko's pulse accelerated. "These readings..." she gasped, leaning in over Maya's shoulder to see what was being displayed on her console. "They're in a feedback loop within Klein space..."
"What does that mean!" Misato barked behind her.
She turned around and faced her friend with a grim expression. She hated to admit it aloud but it was the situation at hand. "It means we've failed..." she replied softly before turning around to take another look at the signals on the central display.
This shouldn't be happening, she'd taken every precaution. Then again... she couldn't see what she was doing from Rei's memories. Perhaps this had happened before... maybe this was what had happened the last time, but it was too risky to keep pressing on. Maybe they could try again another day... hopefully. "Abort..." she heaved slowly before finding the strength to yell. "Abort the salvage! Reverse the tangent graph! Set the addition value to zero!"
"Right!" Maya affirmed, her fingers flying on her keyboard.
"Destrudo reaction intensifying!" Lt. Aoba called out. "Pattern is sepia!"
"I'm reading a change in the corporeal matrix!" Lt. Hyuga shouted. "It's fluctuating, we can't control it!"
"Maintaining current status is priority!" Ritsuko screamed. "Halt the back flow! Do everything you can!"
"Roger!" Maya yelped, typing away at her keyboard. "Plus point five... point eight! This is all wrong! I can't stop it!"
Ritsuko once again looked up at the central display showing the interior of the plug. The LCL was bubbling and boiling. How could this be happening? "Don't you want to come back, Shinji-kun?" she murmured under her breath. With everything and everyone he had around him that cared for him why was this happening?
"You're fucking useless!" Misato suddenly shouted.
Ritsuko whirled around to look at her estranged friend who was glaring daggers at her. Her expression was pained and on the verge of tears. It honestly tore her up seeing her like this... "We've done all we can..." she returned quietly. She didn't want to believe her own words but it was the truth. They had done everything in their power and it looked like it wouldn't be enough...
Misato snarled as tears began rolling down her cheeks. "Well what you're doing isn't enough! Fix this!" she exploded. "Bring him back!"
Ritsuko bit her lip. "It's beyond our control now," she replied, trying to remain calm. "We have to try again another day, if we can manage to regain control..."
"Then regain control!" Misato barked. "Do it! You're the chief of scientific operations aren't you? Fucking fix it dammit!"
If Misato was reacting like this she could only imagine how Rei was feeling down in the Eva bay witnessing everything up close... "We're doing everything we can!" Ritsuko cried. "I'm sorry..."
"The Eva is rejecting the signal!" Maya shouted.
"Pilot Ikari's ego matrix is disintegrating in the LCL!" Lt. Aoba called out from his station.
"Pressure in the plug is increasing!" Lt. Hyuga yelled.
Ritsuko's blood thundered in her ears and her stomach churned as the operation continued to unravel. "Abort all operations!" she cried. "Shut it down! Shut it all down!"
"No good! The plug is being ejected!" Maya shouted.
Her eyes fixed on the screen displaying the exterior of the entry plug as the mix of horror, disappointment, and sadness crashed over her. She watched as the sliding door at the top of the plug ruptured from the pressure and spilled LCL in all directions. "No..." she murmured softly as a collective hush befell the command center.
She'd failed... she'd done her best and still failed. She could only imagine what Rei was thinking at this moment. She was right there in front of Unit 01 watching all of this up close, seeing her closest friend, the person she cared about most, the person she loved... disappearing forever...
Then she heard the doors to the command deck whir open and turned around just in time to see them close behind Misato. No doubt she was going down to Unit 01 but it wouldn't do any good. Shinji was gone and he wasn't coming back...
Rei fought with every ounce of resolve she had left to remain standing, to resist the urge to collapse where she stood. Her whole body was shaking and her legs felt like melted rubber. This was exactly like how things had gone in the other world except this time she had no way of being sure it would work out in the same fashion. She wanted to have faith, she wanted so desperately to cling to hope, but the memory of how Shinji had left before the arrival of the last Angel weighed heavy.
She stared down at his empty clothes as the LCL pooled around her feet, the memory of their final conversation and his back turned to her as he walked away playing out over and over in her mind. He'd been so full of pain and guilt over what he'd had to do to Suzuhara, who would blame him if he did decide to stay in the Eva with Yui-sama...
Her eyes began to sting and her throat began to close up. Hot tears began to roll down her cheeks. "Please come back..." she murmured softly. "Please come back... Shinji..."
"Shinji!" a voice rang out down the walkway to her right.
Rei turned to see Misato rushing toward her with an expression of sorrow that mirrored her own. She came rushing forward, passing her and nearly bowling her over as she did. She watched as NERV's combat operations director knelt down in front of her and grasped at Shinji's empty white, shirt stained orange with LCL, her body convulsing with sobs. "What good is science when it can't even save one person!" Misato wailed. "Shinji... give my Shinji back!"
She couldn't stand any longer and fell to her knees just behind Misato, grabbing at her hair in big handfuls. It was all too much. The thought that he might be gone forever truly began to sink in. The though that she'd never speak with him again, hear him flatter her ever again, listen to his voice ever again was so very painful. If he didn't snap out of it and miraculously come back like he did before then she'd never get to hold his hand again, she'd never have the chance to feel his arms around her, ever feel what it was like to touch his lips with hers... "Shinji... please come back..." she whimpered, unable to keep the words at bay. "Please come back to me..."
Only silence met her words...
She grit her teeth. No. No! No, this couldn't be happening this way! There was no way that could give up like this! He had to come back, he had to! She raised her cloudy gaze to regard the exposed core of Unit 01. "Come back!" she cried, fighting back sobs. "Come back, Shinji!"
Misato turned to her, holding his empty shirt, tears steaming down her face. "He's gone, Rei..." she whimpered. "He's really gone..."
She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I won't accept that..." she sobbed. "He can't be gone... He can't be..."
Misato stood up and walked over to her, still holding on to his empty shirt. Rei grabbed at it as she fell to her knees beside her. "I'm sorry Rei..." she murmured. "We failed..."
Rei collapsed against the major, grabbing at her coat with one hand, clutching Shinji's empty shirt to her chest with the other. "Shinji..." she whimpered as hot tears continued rolling down her cheeks. "Shinji... please... please... come back..."
"Shinji... please... please... come back..."
Shinji lifted his head skyward, looking up into the infinite expanse of blue. That was Rei's voice, the voice of the girl he'd grown to love more than anyone else. She was calling him, asking him to return but... the idea of going back to the way things had been was so daunting. The question his mother had asked him still rang in his ears. The idea of living just for the sake of living was a concept that he'd never even conceived of until this point. What did that even mean? It was something that he had no compression of. The act of living was an exercise of suffering and futility, how could one find meaning in living for living's sake?
In his short time living he'd finally managed to make friends. He'd managed attain human connection. He'd been able to connect with other people and those people had connected with him in a genuine way. Still... the fear remained that they would leave him, that they would hurt him... but if he stayed in this place then he would never see them again, never know their kindness ever again. Then again, if he left this place he'd have to pilot the Eva again, he'd allow himself to be hurt once more... what was the right decision?
"What do you wish for?" his mother asked.
What did he want? What was the right thing to do? If he stayed here within the Eva then he'd never have to face hurt and pain and rejection ever again. He'd be able to have a peaceful world where he'd return to nothing, return to the womb even... where nothing would ever harm him or trouble him again. He'd be able to sit under this tree and feel this wind in his hair and bask under this sun...
But it would be a lie...
It wouldn't be real. None of it would be real, just a pale imitation of a pastoral life or whatever sheltered and aimless life he could choose to have. Thinking about it in that light... it was just the same as running away, something he'd told himself over and over again not to do. But... if he went back he'd just get hurt again eventually. That scared him, no, terrified him. He'd have to face the reality of what he'd done to Touji, how he'd acted like a coward, his father's potential dismissal, and possible rejection from his friends and Rei...
But it would be real... whatever that meant. "I still don't know what I want out of life..." he murmured in response. "But... this place... it isn't real, but... what even is reality?"
"Reality is a place at the end of a dream, and dreams exist within reality," his mother returned warmly. "We perceive a reflection of reality through our experiences, our hopes, and dreams."
It was a riddle but he somewhat grasped the concept. "So... one's own reality is the reflection of the things we've experienced while being alive?" he asked.
"Yes," his mother replied. "That is your reality."
That just made things even more difficult... "But my reality is painful..." he returned.
"But it doesn't have to be," his mother countered. "You can choose how you view it and you have a will to change it whatever way you can."
Those words slammed into him like a tsunami rolling through a harbor. She was right... he did have the power to change things, to enact his will upon the world and change what little he could. That was something he already knew. She was also right that he could change how he looked at things... but that was so hard. How did he change the way he looked at things when experience had taught him to view the world with cynicism and pessimism. "How can I change how I view the world?" he asked. "The pain I've experienced living has made me view it how I do..."
"Though the world is filled with pain, anywhere can be a paradise so long as you persevere. After all, you're alive," his mother replied.
He bit his lip, his mind moving a million kilometers a second. Perseverance was such a difficult thing to have in the face of such a cruel and unforgiving world. However... she was right. As long as he kept persevering then things could eventually get better as impossible as that sounded. Still... the people who he'd connected with and striven with, the ones who were calling him back, the feelings they shared were real...
He thought back on the moments that he'd shared with Asuka and Misato and how for the first time in his like he knew what a family life was supposed to be like. He thought over the times he'd spent with Touji and Kensuke and how for the first time in his life he'd known what it was like to have school friends. He remembered all of the time he'd spent with Rei and how for the only time in his life he'd truly felt accepted for who he really was.
No... no, he couldn't just throw all that away. He'd come so far and seen so much good amid the bad since he'd taken on the burden of piloting the Eva. He couldn't just leave them all behind. Even if he'd never share a friendly argument with Asuka again, a pleasant talk over dinner with Misato again, a game of shogi with his father again, a cup of warm tea in silence with Rei again... he still wanted to see them all again. Like his mother had said, as long as he was alive, he could keep trying. Besides... he'd made Rei a promise to stand by her. That was why he'd come back to NERV in the first place. If he cast that aside now then he'd be nothing more than a filthy coward giving into escapism...
With those thoughts filling his head and his heart he raised his gaze to face his mother once more. "If I go back I'll just keep getting hurt. Nothing will change, I'll still risk rejection and pain..." he returned slowly. "But I... I want to see all of them again."
"Why?" his mother asked.
"Because I know that the feelings I have for them are real," he replied. "Like you said... if I keep moving forward then I can always reconnect with people and try again, as hard as that might be..."
"So you're willing to live with your guilt and the shame you feel for the things you've done and the loathing you feel for yourself?" his mother pressed.
He nodded. "Yes," he replied, forcing a shaky smile. "I still don't like myself... Sometimes I hate myself... It may be hard and I might just end up alone in the end but... I have to try."
"That's what living is," his mother returned. "You may slip up, you may fall down, but the measure of one's self is not their mistakes but rather how they learn from them. So go forth and live, Shinji... I will be with you in your heart in the form of love and hope, and here as well, protecting you within the Eva, always..."
Before he could say a word, before he could thank her or ever let the beautiful feeling her words evoked in him settle, the world changed in another vortex. All was dark but a faint red light flickering in the darkness above his head. Suddenly he felt like the air in his lungs was gone and he couldn't breathe. He could hear the voices of his friends within his mind, clamoring for his return.
He grit his teeth. He couldn't give in! He wouldn't give in! Drowning in the void was not an option. He was going to fight and move toward that light. He willed his consciousness toward it even as things began to get fuzzy. He was going to see them all again and keep living because as long as he was alive things could eventually be alright. He wouldn't allow himself to disappear, not until he saw them all again, not until he saw Rei again...
He focused his thoughts and his willpower on that one goal, seeing Rei again. The thought of seeing her face again, seeing her smile again, actually getting a chance to be open with her and tell her how he felt kept him pushing forward. If he allowed himself to disappear now he'd never forgive himself. He was going to live! He had to keep going and live!
The light began to expand, turning from red to white, and Shinji stretched forth his hand as if to touch it...
Only silence had answered her plea for Shinji to return and Rei was about to give into despair when she heard a watery popping sound coming from the Eva. Instantly her eyes snapped upward and went wide, her mouth falling open at the sight before her...
The core of Unit 01 seemed to be glowing and rippling as if made of some sort of liquid material but that was not what made her gasp. Thrusting out from the center of the core was a human hand, reaching outward. That hand became an arm and then a face. Elation filled her soul as she watched it unfold. She watched as Shinji sprung forth from the core and fell in a heap, naked, on his stomach on the walkway a few meters away from her.
Instantly a huge wave of relief washed over her upon seeing him laying there motionless but she couldn't bring herself to move to him. She didn't have the strength, and before she could muster it Misato sprung into action, jumping forward to Shinji and nearly causing her to fall on her face in doing so. Rei wanted to move or speak but she couldn't muster the strength, her body was shaking too much to do so.
"Shinji!" Misato cried, turning him over as she did to look at his face and shaking him. "Shinji! Are you alright!? Hey! Wake up!"
Hearing Misato trying to communicate with him caused her strength to return. If she had the fortitude to act then why didn't she? She mustered the strength to pull herself back up to her feet and close the distance to Shinji and knelt by his side, grabbing his hand as soon as she reached him. It felt warm... she'd missed this warmth. It had been such a long and lonely matter of weeks since she'd held his hand... Her own hand slipped up his wrist and felt for a pulse. Sure enough she felt one and she let out a gasp of happiness, a smile of jubilation cresting on her lips. "He's alive..." she murmured softly and shakily. "He's going to be alright..."
Misato didn't miss a beat. "Medic!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Medic! I need a medic!"
There was a loud slamming sound coming from the far end of the room down the way from the catwalk and Rei could see a medical team rushing in with a stretcher. In seconds the medical team arrived at Shinji's position, lifted him from Misato's grasp, and placed him on the stretcher. The staff immediately hooked him up to electrodes and a fluid drip before rushing him toward the door. She watched as Misato shot up to follow him and the medical staff but it took a moment before her legs started working again so she too could follow. She wasn't about to let him out of her sight... not after how long he'd been away.
It was selfish but she wanted to be the first person he saw when he work up...
"Operation successful..." Dr. Akagi murmured. "Pilot of Unit 01 retrieved successfully..."
"Vital signs confirmed," Lt. Ibuki stated. "Pulse and breathing are normal."
Gendo breathed a sigh of relief as he watched his son's stretcher exit the Eva cages with Major Katsuragi and Rei accompanying the medical team. They had succeeded in recovering Shinji but clearly not through scientific means alone. Most likely it had something to do with Yui or Shinji himself. In all honesty, the way things had played out, with Shinji literally stepping out of the core, pretty much confirmed what Fuyutsuki had told him so many days ago, that Yui had chosen to stay within the Eva...
It was somewhat striking seeing Rei down in the cages, acting so attached to his son. Then again, he knew that the girl had become attached to his son. The depth of that attachment was what worried him. Perhaps he'd ask her about her intentions with his son but then again... that really didn't matter. It wasn't too unsavory if her intentions toward him were more than platonic friendship and knowing her she had no concept of such a thing as romance anyway. No... he was simply her closest friend, her only real and genuine connection besides himself. There was nothing to worry about in regards to that...
But seeing his son again... that was the real worry.
Considering the sorry state of NERV's combat operations, and the fact that he'd chosen to defy SEELE entirely though they had no way of knowing, he needed him. He needed Shinji to continue piloting Unit 01 but considering how things had stood before his son had returned he wouldn't be surprised if the boy wanted to leave once more. He couldn't let that happen from an operational standpoint and from the angle that he needed him to fight should SEELE attempt to attack NERV but he respected his son's will... if he chose to leave he'd have to respect that...
But he'd damn well do a good job trying to convince him to stay before that in a civilized and gentlemanly manner...
"You look tense," Fuyutsuki stated from where he stood beside him. "Then again, who could blame you after what we just witnessed..."
"Yes, sensei..." Gendo murmured quietly.
"Are you going to go see him?" Fuyutsuki inquired. "Are you going to visit your son before he's discharged?"
Gedno nodded softly. "Yes, sensei..." he replied.
"Will it be to convince him to remain a pilot or because you're genuinely concerned for him?" the older man asked.
"Both..." Gendo replied quietly, standing up from his seat and shoving his still trembling hands into his pockets before exiting the bridge. He already knew where his son would be treated and examined before being deemed fit for discharge...
Shinji's vision began to fade in and the quiet sounds of machines beeping and whirring filled his ears. He was laying in a bed, somewhere, in what looked like a hospital room... yes... it was clear now. He was in the medical ward at NERV meaning he must have escaped the Eva somehow. He could recognize the white ceiling and its wallboard tiles well enough, considering how many times he'd seen it...
The next thing he noticed was the sensations of all the things stuck to him and into him, from electrodes to intravenous drips and an oxygen mask stuck in his nose. Physical discomfort... he'd almost missed it for however long he'd been in that dream or fugue state or... whatever it was that he'd been experiencing within Unit 01 for however long it had been.
His eyes shot wide open. How long had it been? Was it hours? A day? A week? He didn't know, and that was worrisome. He didn't know about anything that had happened after he'd blacked out fighting that Angel with the ribbon arms. Most likely Unit 01 had gone berserk but... what after that? How had the people he cared about fared in the time that he'd been gone however long it was? How had Misato and Asuka, Touji and Kensuke, father and... Rei... how had they all been getting on without him? Did they miss him? Were they angry with him? Did Rei hate him for deciding to leave? Had his father grown cold and distant since he'd been trapped within the Eva?
"It seems you're awake," a gruff baritone voice he recognized well sounded a few meters away from him. "Are you alright?"
He turned his head and managed to sit up despite the massive amount of equipment he was attached to. His father was standing there in this hospital room, staring down at him with an expression he couldn't quite read. "I- I am... I think," he replied uneasily. "What happened?"
His father folded his arms behind his back and breathed deeply but it wasn't quite a sigh. "What do you remember?" he asked coolly.
The memories came whirling back to him. He remembered how he'd cried out for help from anyone and anything during the Angel battle and everything going blank. He remembered fragments of psychedelic dreams and the conversation he'd had with his mother... "I was fighting an Angel and then I woke up here..." he replied. There was no way he could explain the dreams and visions he'd experienced, no one would understand... "How long was I... how long was I in there?"
"Twenty four days," his father replied evenly.
His mouth fell open as his blood ran cold. "Wh- what?" he stammered in shock. Seriously, there was no way that more than three weeks had passed! How was that even possible? What had happened during all that time? "N- no way..."
"It is true," his father stated calmly, as if this admission was not shocking in the slightest to him. "Your actions to defeat the Angel resulted in your physical dissolution within the entry plug due to you attaining a four hundred percent sync ratio when Unit 01 went berserk. This morning, Dr. Akagi executed a salvage operation to reconstitute your physical body and return your consciousness to it. Welcome back... Shinji."
This was a lot to take in. His body had disappeared? It made little sense and the very concept of his mind floating free without a body was a little bit unnerving... "I see..." he murmured. "That's very strange..."
His father's lip twitched upward ever so slightly. "Indeed, I can only imagine what you experienced inside the Eva's core," he replied.
He nodded, thinking back on the conversation with his mother. "It was definitely an experience..." he murmured softly.
"I see..." his father replied. "Did you... experience anything of note that you remember during this your time in the core?"
He wasn't sure what to say but he was pretty sure that his father was prodding him to speak on whether or not he'd encountered his mother while absorbed within the plug. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to tell him or not... "I'm not... sure," he returned. "It's all a bit fuzzy..."
His father nodded and lost that ghost of a grin he'd taken on moments ago. "Understandable," he replied. "Now... on to other matters..."
Shinji's brow knit up. "What kind of matters?" he inquired nervously. He had a feeling about what his father was going to want to talk about...
His father reached up and adjusted his glasses. Shinji noted that they were no longer those orange tinted glasses he usually wore, they were clear. "Considering the ordeal you experienced in the days leading up to the last time you piloted the Eva, what do you wish to do in regards to your pilot status?" he asked in a thoughtful tone. "I would prefer if you remained a pilot but considering the events surrounding pilot Suzuhara I would understand if you still wish to leave."
Shinji was actually a little bit surprised that his father was leaving the proverbial door open like that. He looked down at the floor with an intense expression, knowing that after everything there was no way he could leave. As much as he didn't want to keep fighting it was his responsibility as one of the chosen few who could pilot an Eva. It was his responsibility to keep his promise to stand by Rei's side... and hopefully she'd forgive him for being such an idiot... "As much as I dislike being a pilot and pain it causes me I'll keep doing it," he replied softly. "I'll continue piloting Unit 01..."
"That is very noble of you," his father returned with a nod. "I'll reactivate your contract and have you officially reinstated in the combat roster. For now, rest up. The medical staff will be in shortly to examine your cognitive functions."
Shinji nodded. "Alright," he murmured in response.
His father shifted on his feet slightly before turning for the door. He paused with his back turned and spoke again, not bothering to look in his direction. "For what it's worth, we were all quite concerned for you," he stated quietly. "The salvage operation was nearly unsuccessful. I was... personally concerned."
Shinji's mouth fell open again. He'd never been spoken to like this by his father. When, if ever, had he expressed concern for him? "Y- you were?" he stammered.
His father nodded. "Yes," he replied. "I was."
With that, his father departed, shutting the door behind himself, leaving Shinji alone with his thoughts...
The disappointment Rei felt when Shinji was moved directly from the Eva cages directly to the intensive care ward on a quarantine order was immense. It had taken a while before she was allowed to visit him, only being able to do so after he'd awoken and properly evaluate him. She'd received news over and hour ago that he'd awoken and the staff had already begun running cognitive tests in order to ensure there had been no contamination resulting from his time dissolved within Unit 01. She understood this process and had somewhat expected it as annoying as it was to sit and wait. His mental health was paramount, and if she was remembering correctly, the medical staff did much the same thing during the course of these events in her original reality. Still... the disappointment was real. As selfish as it was, she'd wanted to be the first person he'd see upon awakening...
Presently she sat on a bench just outside the locked doors to the ward Shinji was being kept in, trying to calm her nerves and steady herself for what was to come. Perhaps the one blessing, or the biggest curse, depending on how she looked at it, of having to wait was that it gave her a bit more time to go over what she wanted to say to him when she was finally admitted past those doors. There was just so much she wanted to say that she didn't know where to begin. She wanted to tell him how worried she was, how much it had upset her that he'd left NERV, how elated she'd been when he'd returned, how full of despair she'd been when it had seemed like the salvage might fail. There was just too much to say that she doubted she'd be coherent. The one thing that she was certain of was that she wanted to hold his hand again...
It was then that the double doors that led into the ward opened and a nurse stepped out into the hall. "Pilot Ayanami, the Third Child has been cleared for visitation," she stated. "Follow me please."
Instantly Rei shot to her feet, her heart beginning to race. She was finally going to see Shinji again, the moment had finally arrived... "Yes ma'am..." she replied softly.
She followed the nurse down the hall and eventually reached the room that Shinji was recuperating in. "I'll leave you to it," the nurse stated. "You have thirty minutes before the next round of tests begin."
The nurse then continued down the hall, her footsteps clacking against the tile, fading into the distance even after she turned a corner into another hallway. Rei found herself hesitating, her palm hovering just above the door handle, trying to calm her breathing and her heartbeat before she entered his room. After a solid minute trying to accomplish this to no avail she concluded it was a lost cause. If she waited any longer she was going to fall apart. She grasped the handle and pushed open the door...
There he was, sitting up on the hospital bed in a medical gown, staring out the window with his back to her. Just the sight of him there in front of her in the flesh made her lips curve skyward and her eyes to become a little misty. It almost didn't feel real even though it was. He was back and only meters away from her and she desperately wanted to close the distance between the two of them... "Shinji..." she murmured softly, his name rolling off her lips before she could stop herself.
He turned his head and took sight of her before standing to his feet and facing her fully, a sheepish expression on his face. "Hey, Rei..." he murmured. "I'm back..."
The way he said that was enough to push her over the edge. She stepped forward and marched up to him as all the emotions she'd felt since he'd walked away from her roughly a month ago began pouring out. All the sadness, anger, and love she felt for him was boiling over. The tears began to fall in big wet droplets down her cheeks and before she could stop herself she wrapped her arms around him tightly as if to confirm he was real. "I'm so very glad..." she murmured softly, burying her face in the crook of his neck. "I'm so glad you've returned..."
She could feel him tensing up. "S- sorry..." he stammered quietly. "I- I c- can imagine I made you worry..."
The anger began to outweigh the relief at how casually he said that. Rei released him from her embrace but held on to his shoulders, glaring at him even as the tears kept rolling down her face, the involuntary sniffles continuing to come in waves. His cheeks were flush and he was looking at her with a wary expression as if he might bolt any second now. After a moment she couldn't maintain that glare any longer and bowed her head. She wasn't sure she could articulate everything that she wanted to say or even if she had the words to do so but she had to try. She needed to be open and honest with him and try to convey just how sad she'd been with him away for so long... "The way you left... watching you walk away hurt so very much..." she replied shakily, speaking through the tears. "I thought I might never see you again... and then you came back and fought but... you were still gone. I was so worried you'd never come back... it hurts even thinking about it now."
She felt his hands come up and gently rested on her forearms, causing her breath to hitch. Slowly she lifted her head to meet his gaze. Instantly she was struck by intensity in his eyes and the pained expression on his face. "I'm sorry..." he replied, bowing his head. "I won't leave again..."
Rei tightened her grasp on his shoulders as her lip quivered. Something about the way he said that made it difficult to stand. "Do you swear to that?" she whimpered.
Shinji nodded, looking at her with a lopsided smile. "I promised I'd stand by you and fight by your side, didn't I?" he replied looking way from her as his cheeks reddened, with each word sounding a bit more awkward. "I haven't forgotten my promise to you... I- I remembered and came back..."
Rei felt heat in her cheeks and let go of his shoulders, inching back slightly. "Y- you mean what you promised me after Operation Yashima?" she asked, a bit flustered. Why did he have to say things like that at a time like this? It made it so much harder not to tell him how she really felt about him...
He faced her again and nodded with a soft smile, that pink hue still flush on his face. "Yeah... that's what got me to come back and fight," Shinji replied. "That and a talk with Kaji-san..."
The embers of anger flared momentarily and she frowned in response. "If you didn't forget about that then why did you choose to leave to begin with?" she muttered softly.
Now it was Shinji's turn to frown, his dour expression mirroring hers as he let go of her shoulders and stepped back. "I... I didn't know how to handle it," he returned, running a hand through his hair and looking at the floor. "After what I did to Touji I... I just didn't know how to make peace with it. All I could think of doing was to just leave. I'm sorry... I was a coward..."
As upsetting as it was remembering those events she took more offense with him putting himself down like that than the fact he'd made a hurtful choice out of trauma. Besides... he did come back, and seeing him recoil from her right now was painful. She needed to reassure him, let him know she understood, that she forgave him... "But you did return," she stated softly, stepping closer to him. "You came back and saved us all. That isn't the action of a coward, Shinji. I understand that you were in pain and I forgive you for the actions you took. I just... want you to know that your friends are here for you when you're feeling low. I'm here for you... always..."
He raised his gaze to meet hers once more and nodded, those eyes of his brimming with tears. "Thanks Rei..." he returned with a smile. "I... I needed to hear that. I know I don't deserve it, your friendship, but... I'll never forget that promise I made, never again..."
She bit her lip seeing him like this, it caused her to start weeping anew. She took another step forward and embraced him again. She felt his hands ensnare her back and dig big handfuls into her school uniform. It felt so warm... "It is the truth," she whimpered softly into his shoulder, smiling in spite of the tears. "I'll always be here for you..."
"Yeah..." he murmured, sniffling. "I'll always be there for you too..."
The sincerity in the way he said that made her feel so light that it felt like she could fly. This warmth and sincerity... it reminded her of all the reasons she'd grown to love him. The smile on her face grew wider and she let out a little puff of laughter as she squeezed him tighter. "Really?" she asked, hoping her would say it again.
"Really..." he returned warmly, not letting go of her. "I'm not going anywhere, Rei... never again."
She released him from the hug but kept her arms planted on his shoulders, staring back at him with a smile. She noted how his hands lingered on her hips and how even while he still had a grin of his own he looked a bit nervous, like he wanted to say something and couldn't find the words. Did he... did he feel the same way she felt? Was the romantic attraction perhaps mutual? It was certainly a pleasant thought that stirred feelings even more pleasant... until the embarrassment and worry began to settle in.
Rei jolted backward, brought her hands to her chest, and turned away from him as fire burned in her cheeks, her heart pounding in her chest. The idea that they might have mutual feelings of romantic attraction excited her and terrified her in equal measure but considering her dark secrets... that made it even more stressful to think about her own feelings for him. It meant that sooner rather than later she'd have to let him know the truth about her, about who and what she was. The question of whether he would accept her secrets now that she was pondering the idea that he might share similar feelings to the ones she had for him wasn't one she felt prepared to answer, not yet at least...
Still though... it was exciting to think that maybe if he did accept those things about her that they might be able to pursue something closer than friendship, whatever that entailed. What even was romance or love or courtship? Up until recently those things hadn't even entered her mind other than passing curiosity, something she'd never even thought possible to indulge in. The idea that there was a slim chance that it might be possible made her heart race and her cheeks burn...
"I'm sorry..." Shinji spoke nervously, shaking her from her thoughts. "D- did I do something wrong?"
She turned around to face him, unable to fully rid her face of her luminescent blush. His brows were knit up and he looked a bit hurt or worried or both. "N- no," she stammered, trying to find anything to look at other than his eyes, trying desperately to think of an excuse for jumping away from him. "I just... I- it's just a little strange... being able to hug you like that."
He let out an awkward laugh and scratched at the back of his head, his own cheeks turning pink yet again. "R- right..." he stammered softly.
A strange tension filled silence enveloped the room. She could sense that he wanted to get closer to her and she felt the same but... her reservations were winning. She simply wasn't prepared to close that distance no matter how badly she wanted to. Still... there had to be something she could do for him to let him know she cared. "I can imagine you're hungry after being trapped inside Unit 01 for nearly a month," she replied. "Would you like me to bring you something from the cafeteria?"
He issued a fatigued smile and sighed. "I'd love that, but the nurses tell me that I can't eat anything until the next round of tests are finished," he returned.
Rei nodded and returned his smile. "I'll bring you something as soon as they've finished," she replied warmly.
His smile widened and his eyes seemed to brighten. "Thanks Rei," he replied. "You really do too much for me, you know that?"
She felt her cheeks getting warm again. He just had to say something like that at a time like this... "Y- you flatter me..." she murmured in response, hiding her eyes behind her bangs even as her grin expanded.
"Pilot Ikari?" a voice sounded from the doorway behind her.
Rei turned around to see a nurse standing in the doorway with a clipboard in their hands. "Yes?" she heard Shinji respond.
The nurse looked down at her clipboard. "The tests to examine your cranial nerves will begin in ten minutes time," she stated. "The doctors will be in shortly."
"Alright," Shinji replied. "Thank you for letting me know."
The nurse continued down the hall and Rei turned back around just in time to witness Shinji heave a sigh, a wry smile on his face. "Looks like I'm gonna be poked and prodded again..." he muttered. "Typical..."
Rei nodded, smiling to try and comfort him. "It would seem so," she replied. "I can imagine that your situation would warrant a wide range of tests."
"I guess so," he chuckled. "I guess this is goodbye for now..."
Rei's smile faltered for a moment as she flashing back to how she'd once told him goodbye and how upset he'd been so upset to hear it from her. "It's see you soon," she replied warmly. "I'll be back with some soup from the cafeteria when the tests are over."
His grin grew. "I'd like that," he returned. "See you soon, Rei,"
Rei nodded, smiling, her heart beating with a sweet feeling. "See you soon, Shinji," she replied. With that she turned and exited the room.
She marched down the hallway, her mind heavy with all kinds of thoughts, some pleasant and some uncomfortable, but she wasn't going to focus on the uncomfortable right now. Shinji was back. The boy she'd grown to love was back in her life, and for what it was worth she was going to enjoy that as much as she could for as long as she could.
She rounded the corner at the end of the corridor and saw Misato standing there. "Hey Rei," she greeted with a warm but somewhat playful smile. "Visiting Shinji?"
Rei nodded. "I was," she returned. "He has more tests scheduled so I left to fetch him food in the meantime."
Misato nodded with an expression Rei couldn't quite place. "I see," she replied. "Is he doing alright?"
"It would seem so," she stated softly.
Misato nodded again, a soft smile appearing on her lips. "Well... be on your way then," she replied. "I'm glad he's doing okay. I have to attend the debriefing for the salvage so... take care of him for me, alright?"
Rei nodded, a smile of her own taking shape. "I shall," she replied.
She would care for him always... that she knew in her heart.
Night had fallen and Ritsuko sat in the passenger seat of Misato's car as NERV's combat operations director drove her to her apartment. She was tired, exhausted even, but then again why wouldn't she be after the events of earlier in the day?
Though she'd known that things had gone very much the same in Rei's memories of the alternate reality the amount of panic she'd experienced when the salvage operation had appeared to go awry was immense. After all, memories of another timeline that weren't even hers weren't much to put faith in when it was time for action. Thankfully things had gone according to plan if only just. Most likely it was more thanks to Shinji himself than to her own actions considering how awry things had gone. Either way, the operation had been a success, that was enough...
Once the operation had concluded then came the analysis and subsequent debriefing with Vice Commander Fuyutsuki. There honestly hadn't been much to say during that meeting, all parties were simply glad that they'd found success, somehow. However, during that meeting, Fuyutsuki had let her in on some of the developments the committee were toying with, namely putting a suspension of operations order on Unit 01 for the foreseeable future. This too was in line with things Rei had explained to her. It made her wonder just how much she and her blue haired ally were able to actually change in the grand scheme of things.
Her thoughts drifted to her estranged friend who was driving her home. The atmosphere in the car was definitely tense, there was much still unresolved between the two of them, but now was a good time to try... "Shinji should be fully recovered and cleared for release within the next two or three days," she stated in an attempt to break the icy silence.
"That's a relief," Misato replied, sounding tired. "Either way I'm just glad he's gonna be okay."
"I think we all are," Ritsuko returned. "Did you go see him yet?"
"Yeah..." Misato murmured softly. "But I didn't actually see him if that makes sense. I poked my head in and saw that Rei was already there. It looked like the two of them were having a moment so I didn't want to interrupt. Then, before I had time to pop in after she left we had to attend the debrief."
Ritsuko nodded. "They are each other's closest friends," she stated quietly. "That's very kind of you to give them their space."
"Honestly from what I saw earlier in the evening I wouldn't be surprised if they were more than close friends," Misato replied. "That is, if they were anyone else..."
It was amazing how perceptive Misato could be at times and yet she had a point. As much as Rei might want it or Shinji might want it, his feelings for her young ally she had no knowledge of, the two of them just couldn't close the distance. It wasn't unlike herself and the object of her own affections... "Right..." Ritsuko murmured. "If they were anyone else..."
Another uncomfortable pause fell in the cabin of the car. The ice was thawing but it was still thick... "Unit 01's restoration should be finished by the middle of next week," Ritsuko continued.
Misato scowled. "So even when it attains the power of of a living god it's still going to be treated like it always has, a mere tool..." she muttered.
This was not going well at all... "You may have a point but I can't fully agree on that," Ritsuko replied. "For instance, the committee is contemplating keeping Unit 01's grounding order in place ever after it's repaired."
Misato's expression continued to darken. "The synthetic humanoids known as Evangelion..." she muttered. "They may be man made but who knows what horror still remains in that Pandora's box we've opened..."
Ritsuko frowned, knowing exactly what kinds of horrors were as yet unseen but most likely soon to be upon them all. "Yeah..." she replied softly.
Misato heaved a heavy sigh. "Like I said... right now I'm just grateful that Shinji's life was saved," she stated flatly.
"Not thanks to me," Ritsuko returned with a little laugh. "I'm sure that you and Rei had more to do with that than I. Then again... it was probably Shinji himself that made the biggest difference."
"Yeah..." Misato returned absently. "Maybe..."
Well... it seemed like the distance that had grown between herself and her own closest friend was unable to be closed either and yet she still wished to try. Going home and spending another lonely evening with her cats didn't sound too appealing. The car was only a few blocks away from her apartment so she had to think of something fast... "Hey, you want to go bar hopping tonight?" Ritsuko asked. "It's been a while and there is reason to celebrate..."
"Sorry..." Misato replied softly after a moment of pause. "I have somewhere I have to be tonight..."
Something in the way she said those words told her everything she needed to know. She'd already made plans with Kaji... typical for her at a time like this. Whenever something got stressful for her in college she'd immediately go running to him... "Right..." she returned softly, staring out the window as the car came to a halt outside her building. "See you later then."
"See ya, Ritsuko," Misato replied, an air of fake cheerfulness in her voice.
Ritsuko stepped out of the car and shut the door. Misato wasted no time in driving off. She watched her friend's car drift into the distance and shook her head. "Her ward has just been saved and she's already running off to her lover..." she muttered to herself. "Then again... I can't blame her..."
If she had someone, anyone, to cuddle up next to she'd probably be doing the same. The only person that she wanted to do that with though... the relationship and the feelings she had for him were too complex to act on. Commander Ikari was too distant and she didn't want to risk letting her feelings grow and get hurt. Besides, she still didn't trust him fully, even if it was obvious from earlier in the day that he'd turned over a new leaf. It was better to just be alone for now...
Wisps of cigarette smoke danced in the dim light of the love hotel he'd rented for the evening, drifting upwards from the ashtray sitting behind the headboard of the bed he lay naked under the covers of. It was a charming ambiance but tinged with a sense of melancholy that only one who'd attempted to heal emotional wounds via physical intimacy could fully understand. His lover, Misato, lay partially on top of him, her arm draped over his chest and her hand interlinked with his. Both of them were covered in sweat and bathing in the afterglow of their passion. It was something Kaji wished he could relish in forever... but there was still business to attend to. That was half the reason he'd agreed to meet her in this place and spend the night. He was certain that was part of the reason she'd agreed as well, considering some of the pillow talk they'd been having.
"Running to you so soon after what happened today..." Misato murmured into his chest. "Ristuko must think I'm pretty disgusting..."
"Giving into our sexual desires makes for a more realistic appearance..." he returned softly. "A good deception..."
"To deceive the intelligence department?" she asked. "Or the commander and Ritsuko... or me?"
His frown deepened, thinking about how all those things were true to some extent, but her assessment was missing the real heart of the matter. "No, no..." he replied. "I meant myself..."
"Yeah... I can see that," she returned quietly, squeezing his hand and shifting her body to embrace him more tightly, her legs rubbing against his own. "You never show interest in others but you want their attention... you really are just like my dad..."
He let her words sink in. Things really hadn't changed much between the two of them in their years apart. They were still the same two damaged people they'd always been and they still buried their struggles and pains in the same way, but at least now they were being honest with one another, for whatever that was worth. He glanced over at the ashtray where two cigarettes continued to smolder. "I didn't know you still smoked," he replied absently.
"I only smoke after this sort of thing, so nobody knows but you," Misato returned, reaching up and grabbing at one of them and putting it to her lips, taking a puff and letting it out over him. "Here's smoke in your eyes..."
"Really? I'm honored," he replied, his lip twitching upward. Some things truly never changed, but he supposed there was some comfort in that.
"And how is Instrumentality going?" she asked. "Adam could wipe out mankind, so why is it being kept here?"
He smirked, how typical of her... as soon as pleasure was over with it was back to business. "Did you come to see me just to learn that?" he inquired huskily, running his free hand through her hair.
"Yeah... but that's just one of the reasons..." she returned in a tone equally lusty, ending on a note of quiet laughter.
He snickered in reply. "It would be my honor to be used as my lady's cat's-paw but I'm sorry... I can't say," he replied. He still didn't know what the Human Instrumentality Project really entailed, he just knew the pieces that had been assembled to carry it out, whatever it was, and the interests backing it. That all was too much to discuss in one sitting, especially at a time like this... the thumb drive he'd brought for her would have to suffice.
"I just want you to know what I want," Misato continued. "What are NERV and Commander Ikari really planning?"
"I'd like to know that myself," he replied, running his hand over her back and leaning in to nibble at her ear. This might very well be the last time he'd get a chance to be with her like this... might as well make the most of it before giving her his gift.
"Hey, you can't dodge my questions by doing that!" she gasped. "Hey... what are you doing with your hands..."
He paid her protests no mind, instead continuing to run his hands over her body, kissing at her neck, breathing in her scent, relishing this moment for as long as it lasted. She shifted on top of him, straddling his waist after a moment and kissed him deeply, her hands on his cheeks. He wished that it would never end but he knew that it would. He knew that if they continued on that it would just make things more difficult for them too... He reached under pillow behind his head and clasped the thumb drive in his hand. He pulled her palm away from his face and gently enclosed it around the drive.
She looked down at him with a initially puzzled expression that began to shift in seconds. "What is this?" she inquired even as a look of comprehension dawned on her face.
"All of this is for you," he replied, looking up at her with a somber and serious expression. He knew that she would understand what was being given without him saying it aloud.
"All of this, huh?" she murmured softly, resting her head against his chest and engulfing him in her arms.
Something about giving her the information he had felt so freeing. Perhaps it was knowing that she'd carry on with it even if he met a sticky end. Perhaps it just felt good to be honest with her fully for once. Either way... he knew that this blissful moment would pass and when they awakened in the morning he'd have to return to the dangerous game he played and continue doing so until the bitter end, whatever that end would be... "It's the first time in eight years... and maybe the last as well..." he mused quietly, more to himself than to her.
"Let's hope it's not the last..." Misato replied, squeezing him tighter.
His frown deepened. "Yeah..." he returned quietly. "Let's hope..."
Author's notes
First of all, I am so terribly sorry that this one took so long. Numerous things in my personal and professional life caught up to me all at once in a way that I could not dismiss them. As such, finding time to actually write has been increasingly difficult. The holidays are kicking my ass at my day job and I've been experiencing quite a bit of fatigue/burnout in regards to that. Trust and believe though, I'm still highly motivated to finish this piece... I just don't know if I'll be able to sustain a chapter every two weeks or so until after the first of the year.
At least Shinji has finally gotten out of the robot though... so that's something.
The reunion between Rei and Shinji I'm sure has been anxiously awaited by many of you. I hope that their scene together after he finds his way out of Unit 01 and the pseudo Instrumentality thereof lived up to any and all expectations. Of course... I understand that many of you were hoping for a more explicitly romantic encounter but I shall remind you, this is Rei and Shinji we're talking about, two of the most emotionally guarded and skittish people in a cast of emotionally guarded and skittish people. However... good things come to those who wait and there is still a lot of story left to unpack, even with only four more episodes of the series proper to adapt.
Speaking of that, I'm super excited to write the next few chapters! The climax of the story as I've planned it is looming large and speeding toward the cast with the force of a freight train... we can only hope things will work out in everyone's favor, but Eva will be Eva...
If I had to pick a favorite scene of the chapter, it would probably be Shinji's encounter with his mother within the core or the final scene of the chapter between Misato and Kaji. I tried to do my best to keep the final scene PG-13 in order to maintain the T rating of this story but if it offends I'll begrudgingly re-categorize this fic as M. Then of course there were the Gendo scenes... nice Gendo is strange Gendo.
Please read and review! Thank you so much for your continuous support!
Regards,
A.F.
