THE LORD OF THE RINGTONES: THE ECOMMUNITY OF THE RINGTONE – CHAPTER TEN – SPEEDER

Pippin and Sam, noting Frodo's absence, caught the next elevator to the floor to which they hoped Frodo had gone. After knocking on several doors and interrupting several conversations, they found Speeder's room. As soon as the door opened, they demanded to know what he'd done with Frodo.

"He's right here," he said, gesturing to Frodo, who looked rather frightened but otherwise unharmed.

"What are you doing to him?" Pippin asked worriedly.

"I'm simply asking a few questions," Speeder replied.

"So... What did you want to talk about? Frodo asked.

"Several things." Speeder answered. "But it will cost you."

"Cost me... what?" Frodo queried. Much of his money he had left in his car that was now hopelessly ruined at the base of an irritated tree in the Old Forest.

"Nothing you can't afford," Speeder said as though he was reading Frodo's mind. "Just this: you must take me along with you until I wish to leave."

"Really?" Frodo said, startled. "Even if I did want another companion, I would not agree to you. Not until I have learned more about you, anyway."

"I don't trust him," Sam asserted to Frodo. "He's up to no good."

Speeder regarded Sam with amusement. "Well then, let me convince you." He pulled a DVD out of his pocket and inserted it into the player that was conveniently provided with the hotel room.

"Wasn't Butterbur supposed to give us that?" Pippin whispered to Sam.

"Poetic license?" Sam suggested.

The hobbits looked at the screen, which now displayed Gandalf's face.

"Hello, hobbits," Gandalf said. "I need to leave because I heard some distressing news. Leave Bag End soon and the Shire by July. I shall return ASAP and follow you if you have gone. You will meet a homie of mine at Bree who should give you this DVD. He is lean, dark, and tall. By some he is called Speeder. He knows our needs and will help all of you in any way he can (except, of course, for Merry. He has a few issues even Speeder cannot help)." The hobbits were glad that the hobbit was not around to hear Gandalf's comment, even though it may have been true. "Head for Rivendell. If I am not there, Elrond will advise you. Semper Fi, carry on!

"Gandalf

"By the way—Do not use IT again, no matter the reason! Do not travel by night.

"By the way again—Make sure it is the real Speeder. Bree's Happydale Asylum has loose security, and there are a few interesting characters on the roads. His real name is Aragorn."

Then, suddenly, without warning, etc., white letters appeared in the lower left-hand corner of the TV screen that read:

"Gandalf Greyhame
All Star
TehWizards Records"

Just as suddenly, Gandalf began to sing. And dance. He had to dance. I mean, c'mon. Picture Ian McKellan singing with and dancing to Smashmouth. You gotta admit—it's a funny mental image.

Hey now,
You're an all star,
Get your game on,
Go play.
Hey now,
You're a rock star
Get your game on,
Get paid.
All that glitters is gold,
Only shootin' stars break the mold.

"Wasn't the point of the poem supposed to be that not all that glitters is gold?" Pippin pointed out.

"Shh! Just watch the movie!" Sam hissed.

Unfortunately, it was too late, as the talented singing Gandalf was the last thing on the DVD. Speeder ejected it from the player and handed it to Frodo.

"Why didn't you tell us that you were Gandalf's friend from the beginning?" Frodo inquired.

"What fun would that have been?" Speeder retorted. "And anyway, would you have believed me?

Frodo thought for a moment. "Probably not," he admitted.

There was a protracted silence that took the place of an excrutiating amount of boring dialogue.

Pippin looked around confusedly. "Where's Merry?"

"Not here," Frodo astutely observed.

Right then, there was an impeccably-timed knock on the door. Speeder indicated that the hobbits move out of sight of the doorway (which they did) and opened the door a crack to an exhausted-looking Merry.

"Frodo!" Merry exclaimed, completely oblivious to the fact that the man in front of him was decidedly not Frodo.

"I think you have me confused with... anyone else," Speeder remarked.

"Oh, kovacs," Merry mumbled, moving to the next room. Speeder simply watched as Merry knocked and the unsuspecting guest answered.

"Ello-hay y-may iend-fray. Ou-yay Ay-may Enter-hay," a smooth and gentle voice answered.

"Merry!" Pippin cried, recognizing Merry's voice (which, suffice it to say, was not the pig-latin). Speeder, realizing that this hobbit was friends with the other three, leaped into the hall and grabbed Merry. "Orry-say. E's-hay a-hay it-bay onfused-cay."

Merry and Speeder arrived back at the room. "Frodo!" Merry cried.

"Yes," Frodo replied evenly.

Merry relaxed visibly. "About time."

"Where have you been?" Sam asked angrily.

The polite thing to do when asked a question, particularly an angry one, is to give a concise response that answers the question but does not offer a tedious explanation. Merry, apparently, had not been taught this as a young hobbitling. "Did you know," he announced, "that there are four hundred and thirty-seven rooms before this one, and Random Hobbit #50 is in every single one of them?!"

"Merry!" Sam snapped. "Where have you been?"

Merry looked at him strangely, wondering if he gathered that he had knocked on 439 doors and apologized to 437 Random Hobbit #50's, Speeder, and the occupant of the next room. He then cleared his throat and announced, "I have seen them!"

"Seen what?" Sam asked in exasperation.

"Seen a Black Driver!" Merry shrieked.

There was a pounding from the other side of the wall. "Iet-quay! I'm-hay ying-tray o-tay eep-slay!"

"Orry-say!" Speeder hollered back.

"What language is that?" Sam queried.

"It sounds like Elvish," Frodo observed.

"It is Elvish," Speeder confirmed.

"Is that what Elvis speaks?" Pippin piped up.

Speeder smacked him on the back of the head. "No!" He looked at Merry. "Have you seen a Black Driver?"

Merry, at this point, came to the realization that there was a strange burly man in the same room as his friends. "Frodo? Who is that?"

"A friend of Gandalf's. I will explain later," Frodo explained.

"Oh... Ok," Merry said good-naturedly before launching into the whole meopillah. "Anyways. I saw one in the village. I was in the function hall for quite some time. I wasn't sure where you guys were, so I went for a stroll."

"Didn't your mother ever teach you to not wander about when you were lost?" Speeder interjected.

"No," Merry stated mater-of-factly. "Anyhou, strolling a while, I came back. Then, I got bored again, so I decided to go for a stroll. I then realized tat I had no idea where I was going, so I came back. Then after having a bit of ice cream, I went for a stroll. Then I decided to come back. Then I went for a stroll again. Then I came back. Then I—"

"We get... the idea..." Speeder growled.

"But I strolled and came back a few more times!" He met four annoyed glares, sighed, and decided to continue. "Fine. Anyways, I was wandering around when I saw the Black Driver."

"Which way did it go?" Speeder asked.

"Into the woods. There was no car," Merry reported.

"I thought he was outside," Pippin remarked.

"No; he was strolling, remember?" Frodo prompted.

"Ah, yes... How could I forget?" Pippin replied, glaring at Merry.

"Anyways... Moving on..." a rather annoyed Speeder cut in.

"Right," Merry said, glaring back. "Anyways, I tried to follow it, but it disappeared into the woods. This sounds stupid, I know, but I just felt compelled to follow it. After a while, I heard a hissing sound behind me, so I followed it. The Black Driver turned around and showed me his cell phone. It was a Nextel, and he named it an awful, alliterated name I cannot bear to repeat. He actually referred to his phone by this name and held conversations with the phone itself! I couldn't stand it. I screamed, ran away, and fell over. I don't know what came over me. It was so off-the-wall. I can't explain it."

"You can certainly try," Sam remarked but was immediately shushed.

"I can explain it." Speeder announced ominously. "They name their electronic devices with sickening alliterated names as Merry mentioned. To any person with any traces of sanity, this seems utterly outlandish and sick to comprehend and his brain can't take it. The mind simply shuts down for a while. The worst of them can cause even the strongest of minds to shut down completely."

"That is just icky!" Frodo exclaimed.

"Will the Drivers attack the inn?" Merry's eyes were wide with fear.

"Not yet," Speeder assured. "But do not go to your hobbit-rooms. They can find you there too easily."

"What shall we do then?" Pippin was bouncing anxiously in his seat.

"Merry jerked as though he had been hit with something large, blunt, and heavy. "I know! I saw these cardboard cutouts down of these for dudes that look exactly like us!"


The four companions stole into the lobby. "Where were they, Merry?"

"In the function hall," Merry whispered. "Let's go."

"Nuh-uh," Frodo whispered back. "Nope. Not gunna do it. I've had enough of my family reunion, thank you very much."

"Come on!" the other three hobbits pulled him into the hall. Fortunately, the three hundred and seventy-one Overtheriver-Andthroughthewoodses were rather intoxicated, so they scarcely noticed Frodo's entrance. At the point they were at, they would have scarcely noticed anything. One of the cousins whose name Frodo had forgotten was having an animated discussion with a cutout that looked remarkably like Merry although it had the name "DOM" printed on the bottom.

"That's just creepy," Pippin whispered.

"How do we get it away from him?" Frodo asked.

"I know," Merry replied with certainty. "Watch."

He jogged into the room. "Cousin Omar!" He embraced the drunken hobbit. "So good to see you again!" He began to carry on a conversation.

"I think he wants us to go in and grab the cutouts," Sam whispered.

"Well, go!" Pippin shoved him in the general direction of that corner of the room.

Quickly the three hobbits grabbed their respective cutouts with Pippin grabbing Merry's as well. Once they had, Merry abandoned his conversation and speedily joined them. "Here." Pippin thrust the "DOM" cutout into his cousin's hands. "Let's go."

Omar Overtheriver-Andthroughthewoods turned continue his previous conversation. "Well, Elijah, like I was saying..." He trailed off. "Sean? Billy? Dom?" All for of his companions had abandoned him. "Mm, what a shame," he mused. "It was a scintillating conversation. They were such fine folk."


The four hobbits positioned their cutouts in the room they had rented and returned to Speeder's, where he had prepared four cots just for the hobbits.

And then all lapsed into REM cycles.